Thanks Sri, for prereading.

Thanks Iris, for Beta'ing this mess and the omg emails.

The ride back to the library was quiet and awkward. Bella was filled with remorse over her behavior toward Edward. She didn't know how to explain how she felt around him, and she'd done her best to ignore it when they weren't together.

Why did she jump on his bed?

Why did she think he'd been with someone else?

Why did that idea hurt her so much?

"Thank you for bringing me by your house. It's nice to see you so happy. Sorry if I took away from that."

"Nah." He shrugged it off. He'd been quiet on the drive, because he was trying to think of a way to get Bella to understand his feelings. He hoped that might be the key to getting her to examine her own.

"You're so different..." She said it so quietly, he wondered if she meant to say it out loud. "I'm really proud of you." That sentiment came out confidently. She smiled at him and nodded her head a few times.

"You keep saying I'm different. How?"

She thought about it for a moment. "I don't know... It's like you've grown up. You don't fly off the handle anymore. You ask me how I feel about things... Watching you at work... I can't explain that. You're just so confident without being cocky."

There it was. She said 'cock.' He was glad he'd be going to his own house tonight.

They drifted back into silence, each lost to their own thoughts. Bella continued to repent over her behavior, and Edward continued to ponder how to induce Bella's affections.

"Did you ever look under the floor of your old room?" He wondered if this would help to remind her.

"No. Why?"

"I put something there when I left. I was wondering if it was still there."

"I don't know. I sold the house when I got married."

"Do you know who bought it?" He thought of his plans to gut his new home to make it feel like his. The idea that someone else could have discovered his hidden cache made him ill. "Do you know if they renovated?"

"I know they redid the kitchen. They had a big dumpster out last year. The old cabinets were in it. I don't know if they did anything else."

They fell back into silence. Edward decided he needed to break into Charlie Swan's house one last time.

Bella was surprised at how normally the weekend passed. She split the weekend work, as usual, with Mike. They each took a morning and a close shift, overlapping for a few hours in the middle of the day. If one was on the floor, the other completed paperwork upstairs. Bills needed to be paid, and stock needed to be ordered. There was nothing different about what they did this weekend. But how they did it was so much more detached. If any of their staff had been working with them, they would've noticed it. Mike certainly did.

He knew he'd acted like a child but couldn't bring himself to apologize. He was starting to realize he may not know his wife as well as he'd thought. She was keeping things from him. He'd received a text from Angela as he headed back into town Monday evening. Bella had met Alice for lunch, and they seemed awfully cozy. He didn't know what to make of that. When had Bella embraced the Cullen family again? Why wouldn't she tell him?

At home, they were polite but formal with each other. Neither one had made a move to improve things. The nights were the worst. He'd started going to bed after her, waiting until he thought she'd be asleep. He'd watch her and long to touch her, but he never did. It was in the dark of his room at night that his insecurities would catch up to him. He knew his wife was keeping secrets. His imagination worked overtime guessing at what they were.

Edward couldn't wait. As soon as the occupants of the house went to bed, he was through her old window. The room was practically empty except for a few old boxes pushed against the wall. They had repainted, but that was all. He retrieved the items he'd left behind so long ago and departed.

He held on to them through the week. He couldn't bring them to her at work. It was nearly another week before he had the opportunity to return them to her.

So far, the spring had been a typical one for Forks; rain and overcast every day. But this morning, the sun illuminated the clear sky. It was a complication, because they had a lot to do before the weekend. The first clinic had run yesterday afternoon, and they were starting an outreach program for seniors and others who may not be able to get out of their house to visit the library.

He was still wondering how he was going to get his work done when his phone beeped. It was a message from Bella.

It's a beautiful day, but we've got work to do, and you have documents to sign. Should I come by your house?

Perfect.

It really was. He was going to show her what he'd left years ago.

They'd focused on work all morning. They sat on his new leather couch, facing each other, passing papers back and forth, their fingers needlessly brushing against each other. Occasionally, she'd work on her laptop, and one of them would adjust so they were sitting side by side, close enough that her elbow would graze his arm as she typed.

They took a break so Bella could eat lunch, and Edward couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I went back to your old room." He got up and went to the bedroom. When he came back, he had a small box with him. "When I left, I took nearly everything that would remind you of me."

"That was cruel." She put her lunch down, her appetite gone.

"It was. I didn't take them, though. I hid them. I don't know why. I guess I hoped that you would find them eventually. It was naive and stupid." He handed the box over.

She blinked away tears as she looked through its contents. Finally, she pulled up the photograph of him and held it next to his face. "I'm not imagining it. You look different."

"Esme thinks so, too. She thinks my heartache's taken a physical toll."

She smiled sadly and put the photograph in the box. She put it down on the floor by her feet. "You left one thing behind, though. I'd forgotten about it until you came back." She reached into her purse and pulled out her copy of Wuthering Heights. "You wrote a note to me in here."

"I did." He shifted, moving closer to her, and took the book from her hands. He opened to the page. "You wrote back."

"I did." She waited a moment before she reached over, took the book from his hands, and placed it on the floor with the other items. "You need to stop beating yourself up over leaving. The truth is, eventually, that was going to happen. If it wasn't you, it would have been me."

"You mentioned that before."

"Edward." She sighed his name and turned in her seat so that she was facing him. "I don't think you realize just how much I wanted you. Physically. And you kept turning me down. You kept me at arm's length. Always. Our kisses were starting to feel like they were barely kisses, and I needed so much more. I was so insecure about us, and no matter what you said to me, that physical barrier you kept between us didn't help."

"I touched you the day we wrote in that book."

"A little touch of side boob may have been enough for you," she scoffed. "But I felt like I was dying, that I was just going to spontaneously combust from want." He knew the feeling. It had been the same for him then. It was even worse now. "When you were hunting, when you were looking to satisfy that thirst I left you with... I hated being apart from you, but I secretly looked forward to those times, too."

"I hated being away from you," he replied. "But as you said, I needed to deal with the thirst. Being near you was always such a temptation, always a risk. Was it that you enjoyed those few nights of security? Was it frightening falling asleep and never being sure I'd make it through the night without... indulging?"

His choice of words tickled Bella, and a small giggle escaped, followed by an exasperated sigh.

"What? I can't tell if you're amused or frustrated."

"Both."

"Tell me why."

"Are you sure?"

Now it was Edward's turn to be amused. "What could you possibly say that I wouldn't want to hear?"

At that Bella, raised her eyes to meet his. She held them as she began to tell him that very thing. "When you left to satisfy your thirst, it left me to satisfy mine."

Edward swallowed once, needlessly, but remained silent. His inner masochist hoped she would continue. Bella knew him well enough to understand this. "While you were gone, I would leave the window open and wait. While I knew for certain you weren't coming, it allowed a chill to enter the room. And once I felt cool enough, I would take my hands and put them where you wouldn't. I would close my eyes and imagine that you were the one bringing me pleasure. When I was done, the thirst would be slackened but never quenched. It was then that I would pull the blankets up and cry and cry, because as hard as it was always feeling like I was not enough for you, as hard as that was, in those moments, I feared you wouldn't be enough for me."

Edward took Bella's right hand in both of his, resting it on his turned up palm, while the other hand gently caressed her fingers. He took a moment to compose his thoughts before he whispered, "This hand." He continued to watch his fingers play over hers, feeling the slight quickening of her pulse, the gentle rise of her blush, as she realized what he was referring to. He took her cooperation as a positive sign and continued, his fingertips slowly making their way down her index and middle finger, turning her hand palm up when he reached the end. "These fingers," he whispered as he touched the pads. He heard the slight hitch in her breath. "Did you never notice how much more attention they would receive? The extra touches? Kisses? Each and every one was meant for that time. It was my way of touching you when I couldn't. But make no mistake that each and every touch, every kiss, every taste was meant as a message for these tips to deliver."

The room was silent, except for the sounds of Bella's deep breathing and racing heart.

"But now I'm ready. The blood lust is gone. When I'm with you, the monster I'd always fought is gone. In his place is just a man ‒ a man who loves you and wants to be with you with every fiber of who he is." He'd meant to give Bella a push, but instead, he jumped over the cliff himself.

"Edward," Bella hesitantly interrupted.

"Please, let me finish." Edward smiled shyly. "I realize I'm ten years too late. I do. I just wanted you to know how I feel. You need to know what you have always been to me. You're my mate. My heart. My soul. While we were apart, I was nothing. Regret doesn't even begin to describe my feelings about leaving you. I know what I lost now. I know that I was a coward. I couldn't see the man you saw in me. It was only when we were apart I saw what I'd lost in myself. I'm not going to say that leaving you wasn't a mistake, but I'm not sure if I would've ever come to discover this without it. I was always secure in my love for you. I always thought, though, that one day you'd see the real me and you'd be gone. I didn't understand I was only the real me when I was with you."

Edward took a moment to compose himself. The biological urge to sob was momentarily overwhelming.

Bella said nothing. He didn't know if he'd pushed too far. But now that he'd started, he couldn't stop.

"Be my first." He blurted out the request, clutching at straws.

"What?" Bella blinked slowly in disbelief.

"Be my first... Be my first lover. I need to be with you, even if it's just once."

Bella laughed humorously. This was suddenly too much. She needed to stop this before things were said that would ruin their delicate friendship. "Oh, you're late. Where were you ten years ago?"

"Ten years ago, I was a fool. I had no idea what I stood to lose. I know I've lost it, but please, just give me this, and I'll leave you alone. I'll do what you ask, but please just give me this... Please." Edward had leaned toward Bella, gently caressing her cheek as he begged her. "Please just let me love you… if only just once."

"My God. You're serious, aren't you?"

Edward moved closer still. "Deadly." Bella watched as his other hand cupped her face. Her eyes darted to his lips and back to his eyes. She felt like it was the first time he'd kissed her. He moved toward her with such aching slowness.

His lips were just millimeters from her when she whispered, "Edward."

He sighed her name as his reply and moved forward to close the distance.

Bella brought her hand to his chest as she pulled her head away. Her lips weren't sensitive enough to feel Edward's brush against them, but his were. "Edward. Stop." He had been advancing even as she retreated. "Edward, stop. Please."

Her 'please' had always been his undoing.

"I can't." She spoke what his mind thought; only she was referring to the act, and he was referring to stopping it. "Do you hear yourself? What you're asking me to do? You're asking me to cheat on my husband."

"He would never know. I'd disappear. I swear to you I would leave and never return."

"But I would know. And I couldn't bear it."

Edward assumed Bella's last sentence modified the first; that she would know she betrayed Mike, and she wouldn't be able to bear the guilt. But Bella wasn't sure in that moment what she meant ‒ if what she was really saying was she couldn't bear the guilt or if she couldn't bear the separation.

"I didn't make promises to Mike to walk away from if you came back into my life." She only made them when she thought there was no chance he would come back, but she didn't say that part out loud. It was the first time she'd allowed herself to consciously think it.