Mass Effect 2

FemShep/Zaeed M.

A/N:Had this idea while shuffling through my music library.

"Can we get this bitch to shut up?" Jack raised her shotgun and sent the mercenary nearest to her flying. "I've had enough of her fucking 'pep talks'."

Shepard had to agree with her. Jedora and her loudspeaker had an unhealthy relationship. The mercenary leader hadn't stopped screaming into the device since Shepard and her crew had landed. Even her own men were telling her to shut her damn mouth and let them fight in peace.

Hell, if Shepard had known she would had to listen to this shit all day she would have brought her headphones.

Wait.

Ducking down behind a raised stone formation, Shepard opened up her omni-tool and started a hacking program. She was no engineer so it took more than a few minutes to successfully hack into her intended target. Zaeed shouted at her from behind his own cover. "What the hell are you doing, Shepard? We need some goddamn cover fire!"

In response Shepard popped out long enough to send a shock wave of biotics across the battlefield before she bunkered back down again. She could hear Zaeed grind his jaw in irritation, even from her current hiding spot. Before he could complain again, Shepard shouted in triumph and rolled out of cover. "I'm done!"

"It's about damn time!" Jack yelled, slamming a Heavy merc to the ground. Zaeed was less enthusiastic.

"What were you doing that was so damned important?" he asked her accusingly.

She held up a single, gloved finger. "Give it a minute. Listen."

Zaeed scowled, waiting for a ceasefire and then jogging over to Shepard's position. "Listen for what?" He ducked down to share her cover.

"This."

Using Jedora's own sound system, Shepard had hooked the loudspeaker up to her virtual music library. Instead of Jedora's obnoxious radio chatter, the whole planet could hear one of her most played songs.

Zaeed squinted when he caught the sound. "Is that an electric guitar?"

Shepard pulled out her sniper rifle with a grin. "That, Massani, is AC/DC. You're welcome." She nodded along with the music and even used her rifle as a pretend guitar.

Massani rolled his eyes and grunted. "Shepard, get your shit together."

Ignoring him and continued to hum along with the song, Shepard took a few choice shots until Jack shouted, "There's another wave of them, Shepard!"

Meanwhile the music continued. Jedora cut in once, only once, screaming, "Who the hell's messing with my-", before she was locked out of the system for good. AC/DC's rocking lyrics could be heard even through the gunfire and explosions.

Thunder.

"Hell, yeah!" Shepard jumped out of cover and charged the nearest mercenary. In time with the music, she punched the merc as the next "thunder" was heard.

Deciding to just go along with it, Zaeed went to take out his share of the mercenaries. Shepard had run ahead with her shotgun, using her biotics to knock down any who got in her way. And she was still screaming along to the lyrics of 'Thunderstruck'. When Zaeed advised her to 'shut the hell up so he could think', Jack answered him with, 'just be glad she's not dancing'.

Shepard told them all to suck certain parts of her anatomy that she didn't actually have, being a female human being.

Sound of the drums.

Another group of Jerdora's lackeys found Shepard and her team. She ducked behind the cover Zaeed was currently using.

Beatin' in my heart.

Shepard looked down at her shotgun and cursed. She was out of thermal clips. Her sniper rifle was empty, too. Zaeed saw what she was doing and showed her his empty gun. She cursed a second time.

The thunder of guns.

Jack's biotics were keeping the mercs at bay. For now. But even Jack had her limits.

Tore me apart

"What now, Shepard?" Zaeed waited for a response. Shepard paused for a moment before she realized she had one weapon that was still fully loaded. She reached for her grenade launcher. Zaeed smirked.

You've been—

Rolling out of cover, Shepard made it to her knees and steadied the grenade launcher. She aimed it carefully at the approaching mercenaries before firing.

Thunderstruck.

As the explosion and angry shouts subsided, Shepard turned to her crew and asked them, grinning like an idiot, "Do I have great taste in music or what?"

Before Zaeed or Jack could tell her to shut up and lead, the current song changed. It changed to perhaps the most annoying song ever created in the entire universe.

Jack's biotics flared up. "Okay, Shepard, this song makes me want to kill people."

Hey, I just met you

And this is crazy

"What the fuck, Shepard? Turn this shit off." Zaeed growled as Shepard brought up her omni-tool in a panic.

"I didn't buy this song! I don't know why I even have it!" She brought up several screens and searched for a way to choose a new song. "I think Kaidan bought this. I swear it wasn't me."

"It was me, Commander. You're welcome." Joker was laughing over the comm.

So here's my number

Call me maybe

"JOKER! IF YOU THINK I WON'T KICK YOUR CRIPPLED ASS YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG."

"Uh, EDI helped, too, Commander." Joker was backpedaling now.

EDI's voice came over the comm as well. "Mr. Moreau informed me that playing "Call Me Maybe" by artist Carly Rae Jepsen would induce laughs. It seems to have backfired."

Shepard covered her ears to block out the horrific pop music. "EDI, for the love of God, change the song. Before I order Joker shot out the damn airlock."

"I will try to find something sufficient, Commander," EDI replied agreeably.

The crew suffered a few more moments of Carly Jepsen until...

Buddy, you're a boy

Make a big noise

Playin' in the street

Gonna be a big man someday

Shepard cracked her knuckles. "Thank you, EDI. This is more than sufficient." She motioned for Zaeed and Jack to move out.

You got mud on your face

Big disgrace

Kicking your can all over the place

Singin'

We will rock you

When Zaeed got close to her, Shepard elbowed him in the side. "Queen? You're a fan, right? If you say no I swear I'll leave you here with fucking Jedora."

He didn't answer for a moment. Then, "Sorry, Shepard, but I've got that goddamn pop song stuck in my head. As soon as we get back to the Normandy I'm going to have a 'talk' with our pilot."

"Only if I can watch. And I'll make sure you get a pay bonus if you get Joker to piss himself."

"Done."