Chapter 3: I'm Your Venus
A/N: For those who were shocked, horrified, dismayed, disgusted or appalled by the first two chapters of this story… Thank you for taking the time to let us know. Alas, Thorntons and I had written the story in its entirety before publishing the first chapter so the die is cast, the wheels in motion. As it was written, so it must be!
Please look away now (or at worst peek between your fingers). Here goes...
Long resigned to a solitary existence, it was surprising how readily Jane adapted to communal living. Although he half expected to get his marching orders the first time he upset Lisbon, she was surprisingly forbearing. Somehow or another the trio found an equilibrium that seemed to suit them all and incrementally, over several weeks, Jane's belongings migrated from the Silver Bucket into his new home.
Naturally he was on his very best behaviour to start with, which completely threw Lisbon. Who was this man and what had he done with Patrick Jane? Finding she quite liked this new iteration of the old model, Lisbon bided her time to see when and if the fault lines would start to appear. Surely Jane couldn't keep this up for ever - did leopards ever change their spots? Hell he'd even been more helpful at work of late, perhaps wary of incurring Lisbon's wrath at this stage.
Oddly enough their ambiguous arrangement continued to work well. Carol and Jane's shared love of opera allowed them to indulge their interest without dragging a disinterested Lisbon along. Though not a complete philistine she agreed with the humorist who said 'Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.'
Jane revelled in being able to impress his young companion with his superior knowledge, although he was slightly taken aback when she had the temerity to disagree with his opinion on the relative merits of La Traviata as opposed to La Bohème. On reflection Lisbon was hardly going to fall for someone without some spark about them, it made him cherish his friendship with Carol all the more.
In their absence Lisbon took the opportunity to indulge in her own guilty pleasures. A mindless action movie or soppy cinema classic was a pleasant break from Jane and Carol's highfalutin ways. She could also indulge in her taste for cheesy 90s pop music without suffering the scandalised side glances of the two culture vultures.
After years of being a lone wolf who survived on the occasional back handed compliment from Jane, it was hard to cope with Carol's full on adulation at times. Quite apart from enjoying Jane's company, Lisbon knew that he helped balance out some of Carol's more obsessive qualities. The younger woman shared several traits with her older lover. She was intense and particular and suffered through a childhood devoid of affection. Those circumstances had taken her in a radically different direction, however, and where Lisbon was a loner, Carol craved the company of others.
As a couple, this emotional need wouldn't have taken long to trigger Lisbon's latent commitment issues (never far from the surface in any case). Jane provided a much needed release valve. Carol enjoyed fussing over him and he was more than happy to lap up the attention. When Carol's flights of fancy became too much even for him, it was something he and Lisbon could commiserate over. Over time Lisbon conceded that Jane was the missing piece in their jigsaw puzzle.
And so they settled into a comfortable domesticity. Jane was curiously content, just like Lisbon he was having the best of both worlds. He was genuinely happy that Lisbon's needs were being met without the threat of her being taken away from him. It left him free to enjoy her company without having to endanger his fragile post Red John equilibrium by putting his heart at risk through stepping outside his comfort zone.
Revelling in the pleasures of middle aged bachelorhood, he settled into the elder statesman role, benignly letting proceedings wash over him and indulging his tendency for fogeyism. Needless to say Lisbon pilloried him mercilessly the morning he emerged in his neatly laundered pyjamas and a Paisley dressing gown. The snorts of derision rang out as Lisbon was doubled over with laughter, and Jane soon learned there were some things best not shared.
Letting the white noise of the girl's chatter wash over him, he could wile hours away buried in his latest novel filtering out anything that interfered with his concentration. Occasionally glancing up to see what was going on around him he could dive in and out of the domestic scenes according to the degree of entertainment on offer.
On one notable day Carol decided to give Lisbon a makeover. Ignoring her victim's pleas to adjourn to the bedroom Carol insisted the light was better in the lounge area.
It was strangely addictive watching Lisbon in this newly submissive role, a million miles away from the tough FBI agent. Lisbon averted her eyes in embarrassment the first time Jane caught her eyes. A half smile crossed his face and he affected to return to his reading. The appeal of his book was now replaced by a curiosity in seeing Lisbon being transformed before him.
Long suffering, and uncharacteristically patient, Lisbon just sat there with a hangdog expression, like the family mutt enduring a bath. Oblivious to her suffering, Carol happily worked on her test subject for perfecting the art of natural makeup.
A little insensitive to the age difference, Carol insisted the key to a perfect finish was to moisturise those little fine lines around the eyes. Lisbon forced a smile through gritted teeth. Although he was apparently engrossed in his book, Lisbon swore she saw Jane smirking at this point.
The moisturiser was slathered liberally over the offending areas, and Carol peered in closely to check the desired effect had been achieved. Not entirely satisfied with the results, Carol guilelessly ventured to ask whether Lisbon had ever considered bleaching that little tache above her top lip.
Jane suddenly started coughing and rushed to the kitchen for a glass of water, from where he could watch proceedings from a safe distance. Lisbon's eyes narrowed when he returned, just daring him to say something, which just induced a paroxysm of silent sniggering.
Adding layer upon layer of gunk until she was satisfied that Lisbon looked completely natural, Carol turned to Jane for his approval. Taking pity on Lisbon, who apart from a few missing freckles looked exactly the same as she had an hour earlier, Jane grandly pronounced. "She looks like nature's child - a veritable picture of pulchritude."
Seemingly dissatisfied with this answer, after all pulchritude sounded like an affliction, Carol continued her quest for perfection. Jane just shrugged sympathetically in Lisbon's direction. What more could he do?
Marginally irritated on Lisbon's behalf, Jane had to admit that Carol could be a tad overbearing with his partner at times. It was a strange dynamic because Lisbon would never tolerate that from a man. Perhaps the very fact Carol was a woman freed Lisbon from her baggage of having to look after damaged men while simultaneously recalling happier themes when she'd been cared for by her mother. Even rationalised to that point, however, Jane couldn't help feeling a smidgeon of jealousy. If only Lisbon was as responsive when he got a little authoritarian!
To Jane's straight forward world view a square-up was occasionally required, which he would exact by playing on Carol's tendency to OCD by fractionally adjusting the straightness of the pictures or by messing with the alphabetically ordered foodstuffs in the cupboards. In fairness to Carol, the imperfections would elicit little more than a gentle huff of exasperation, and a flurry of activity until perfect order was restored.
There was no suppressing Carol's excitement on the day of her birthday, for so long birthdays had been tinged with regret at the estrangement from her surviving family, who struggled to come to terms with her coming out of the closet. At last she was among people who accepted her for what she was and genuinely cared for her, anything on top of that was just the icing on the cake.
Carol wasn't stupid, she knew Lisbon struggled with commitment and guessed jewellery wasn't on the cards - perhaps next year she thought wistfully? Besides it was impossible not to be delighted with the personalised gift Lisbon had chosen for her, clearly Lisbon had put a lot of thought into it.
Recalling the story about Jane presenting Lisbon with a pony one birthday, Carol opened the gift card from Jane with some trepidation. Carol dubiously weighed up the possibilities, unsure of what to expect. There was no need to worry as Jane had chosen the perfect gift, Carol's face broke into a smile when she saw the spa break for two.
Knowing that she belonged was the greatest gift of all, surrounded by people who genuinely cared for her. Carol gave Jane the biggest hug before passing the card over to Lisbon. "Thank you – it's just perfect." Carol said breathlessly, quite overcome by their generosity. Jane's eyes crinkled in satisfaction of a gift well chosen; in truth he was just as pleased by Lisbon's more subtle nod of appreciation as by Carol's gushing thanks.
With a look at Felix, Jane added. "Guess it's just us boys then, better not wreck the place while they're away." Both Carol and Lisbon knew that he was more likely to take advantage of a rare solitary weekend by getting lost in some new Russian novel, rather than painting the town red.
By good fortune Carol's birthday had fallen on the weekend, so they could really push the boat out and celebrate in style. A party had been arranged for a select group of Carol's friends from outside work. Jane always viewed such events with some trepidation as he inevitably garnered unwelcome attention. Still it was Carol's big day, and he didn't want to rain on her parade. They'd ordered food in for a buffet, no point making hard work of it, allowing everyone plenty of time to get ready.
Carol looked radiant in her party dress which fitted her perfectly in all the right places. Jane gave her a quick peck on the cheek and told her she looked beautiful. It hadn't escaped his notice that Lisbon was hanging in the background, standing gawkily in her own finery. Looking over Carol's shoulder as he hugged her, Jane's eyes lingered slightly longer than necessary as he appreciatively drank in the vision in front of him.
Lisbon had legs and pretty damned good ones at that. Though her attire was more muted than Carol's, Lisbon's soft curls and above the knee dress affected him more than he liked to admit. Knowing Lisbon wouldn't want to take attention from Carol, he silently mouthed a wow in Lisbon's direction, and was amused to see a pink flush sweep across her face.
Gathering one of them on either side, he put his arms around their shoulders before proudly proclaiming that he was the luckiest man in the world. Carol lapped it all up, loving being the centre of attention, but Lisbon was strangely reticent after Jane's less than subtle taking in of her appearance.
The party was a great success; the girls danced away and got pleasantly buzzed on the sparkling wine. Jane was the convivial host as he sallied forth among the guests keeping the conversation going and topping up everyone's glasses. He took care not to spend time with anyone in particular to avoid putting himself in anyone's sights. Nevertheless it was impossible to miss the striking brunette of indeterminate gender who was following his every move. Jane made a mental note to steer well clear of his/her presence.
Too late, he noticed they'd latched on to the group he was with. Jane wrapped up the conversation with a pithy quotation, hoping to make a fast retreat "The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."
"Not to mention something to look forward to as well, Patrick..." The brunette gave Jane a hungry smile.
"Well there is that way of looking at it." Jane conceded, treading warily.
Before long he ended up in an animated discussion with the he-lady, who matched his witticisms with sly innuendo. Lisbon watched with some trepidation; Jane was playing with fire. His sparring partner was a spiritedly gender-fluid person who liked to alternate between their Venus and Venis personas. They'd eaten better men, or women for that matter, before breakfast and weren't going to let Jane's assumed gay status deter them. Jane's superficial flirting would be taken as a come on and his card was definitely marked.
In the end Jane was rescued by a slightly tipsy Carol, demanding a dance with him. Happy to oblige he twirled and dipped her in time to the music. As she tottered away a bit unsteadily to find somewhere to sit down, Jane caught Lisbon's eye from the other side of the room. By pure chance Lisbon's favourite song had come on, he raised an eyebrow and held his hand out to Lisbon. "I know no monkey business." He whispered into her ear as she rested her head on his shoulder.
Their slow dance for old time's sake was raising some eyebrows, as each had closed their eyes. Feeling Lisbon sigh deeply into his shoulder, Jane realised they were getting carried away in the moment. Gently disentangling himself from Lisbon, Jane lead her over to Carol to finish off the rest of the dance with her. Jane didn't miss Lisbon's wistful look over Carol's shoulder. He turned away berating himself for his unexpected lapse, wondering what had brought it on. Their fragile ecosystem suited them all, and it was dangerous to start tinkering with its delicate balance.
The party started to break up, and in the comings and goings they hadn't kept track of everyone, but eventually they collapsed in some chairs relieved at being alone at last. Wanting to give the girls some time alone together, Jane bade them farewell and retired to his room. Seeing his door slightly ajar and the soft light from the bedside lamp, Jane assumed one of the girls had popped in there at some stage.
On opening the door he swallowed convulsively as the sight of Venis reclining on his bed. She/he fixed him with a hungry smile and twitched the strategically placed sheet aside...
"Lisbon!" When in trouble he knew where to turn.
Seeing Jane's look of panic as he hid behind her, Lisbon couldn't help but smile. No change on that score, she consoled herself.
A few stern words and a hastily thrown towel had the he-siren stalking unapologetically from the room.
Ashen faced, Jane collapsed onto his bed.
Lisbon's amusement grew. "C'mon Jane, I'm sure you've see a naked woman before..."
Jane stared off into space for second before sending her a look filled with horror. "Venis has a shenis… !"
The room was barely recognisable, where had all those throws and cushions come from? Lisbon's rather utilitarian home had been transformed into a bohemian palace in preparation for Carol's soirée. Knowing she had a get out jail card as she was meeting Cho down the shooting range, Lisbon smiled indulgently. Carol was busily floating around the house making tiny adjustments to perfect the ambiance. It was a minor miracle she didn't set herself on fire as the long sleeves of her wafty garments breezed dangerously close to the artfully arranged scented candles. Felix and Jane glared at Lisbon accusingly, neither of them had been so lucky as to obtain a leave pass.
Lisbon made her escape plans without a modicum of guilt. After all, it was Jane's own fault. If he hadn't been so pretentious he wouldn't have been roped into to this. Keen as always to wow and impress his young protégé, he couldn't resist his ability to recite several poems he'd committed to memory. An impassioned recital of Dylan Thomas was enough to seal his fate. He was a prize recruit for the Austin chapter of the Dead Poets Society.
For all his skill at reading people, he'd been helpless under the onslaught of Carol's baby blues. The arch manipulator had well and truly met his Achilles heel. Lisbon had a fair idea what was coming and couldn't get out of there quick enough, ignoring Jane's plaintive 'help me' look she left him to the mercy of pseuds corner, having a good chuckle on her way to the car. She'd barely reached the range when the first text arrived.
They're wearing cravats.
A smile formed as Lisbon envisaged the scene, looking forward to an ongoing commentary. She just hoped Jane didn't disgrace himself; Carol took these things very seriously.
It was good to spend some time with Cho, they didn't fraternise outside of work much these days. Whatever Cho knew of their living arrangements he kept those thoughts to himself, neither wanting nor needing to delve deeper into his colleague's private lives. Not that Lisbon had any complaints about her life, but it was good to hang out with someone as uncomplicated and undemanding as Cho for a change. Both Jane and Carol could be divas at times.
Cho quirked an eyebrow when Lisbon's phone buzzed again.
"Poetry club" Lisbon said without further explanation. She put her phone down after an amused glance at the text.
Cho just smirked, just knowing how Jane was likely to perform in that setting. He wouldn't be able to help himself.
The vegan canapés had been consumed, and the lights were lowered as the ensemble took turns to read their favourite poems. After the twelfth heartfelt rendering, Jane was starting to drop off. A sharp dig in the ribs roused him. Carol had been quick to pick that habit up from Lisbon, Jane reflected as he rubbed his side ruefully.
Not wishing to bare his soul in front of a bunch of strangers, when Jane's turn came he chose a short piece by William Carlos Williams.
Lisbon's phone buzzed again, she started to laugh and showed Cho the text.
Aagh! They've moved on to their own works now. No one said anything about that!
Unsympathetically Lisbon typed out a quick response.
Better get composing then Paddy Boy - this could be your big chance.
Carol had opened proceedings to polite applause with a contemplative and mercifully short piece about the passage of time. Various turgid offerings followed, until a self styled prince of poetry took centre stage. Demanding everyone's complete attention he pronounced "The Silence." Assuming a nobly tragic pose, he stood there commanding attention for the best part of five minutes without saying a word.
The silence was only interrupted by the faint buzz of Jane's phone indicating a reply from Lisbon. Carol glared at him reprovingly and put her finger to her lips. Jane fought back an overwhelming desire to start giggling. The prince of poetry ended his performance by voicing his thanks and the group applauded rapturously and a deep discussion of his work ensued. Jane just shook his head in amusement. He could spot a fellow fraud from a mile away.
As Lisbon took off her ear defenders, Cho glanced in the direction of her phone to alert her of a new missive.
Beam me up Scottie
A terse Behave! Was sent back in response.
At the poetry soiree, the spotlight suddenly fell on Jane and everyone looked at him expectantly. "Your turn Patrick," Carol said encouragingly.
Despite his protestations that he hadn't prepared anything, people thought he was just being modest and it was clear he'd have to think of something quick. Throwing caution to the wind, he decided to follow wherever his stream of consciousness flowed
"The emperor has new clothes
I fear the scent of candle rose
The cushions of ignorance, sweetly stifle my temperance
As yet another fool declaims
I feel heat rise in my veins
I may do someone violence if they dare recite Silen..."
Jane's eyes watered as a carefully placed stiletto heel pressed down on his foot before he could impart his final barb.
Swiftly changing tack he reeled off the first thing that came into his head, an old carney ditty.
"Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantelpiece
To see if they would..."
Anticipating the crude finish, a rather flustered Carol took no chances and cut the performance short. "Oh my, look at the time. Let's move things onto our next meeting..."
Lisbon rolled her eyes when her phone bleeped again, Cho looked up expectantly. It was Carol
A limerick! He recited a goddamned limerick!
Lisbon bit her lip in a vain attempt to suppress a smile
"What's he done now?" It didn't take a genius to work out Jane had misbehaved, Cho knew him too well.
Lisbon just showed him the text and they both started giggling. Though Lisbon knew it was no laughing matter, she was the one who was going to have to smooth the troubled waters. She needed to get her mirth out of her system before she got home, the faintest trace of amusement and Carol would be in a huff.