Chapter 4 : Hoo Ha at the Shangri-La

As chance would have it their next case involved an undercover operation at the Shangri-La Club; hedonistic and high energy, it was the jewel in the crown of Austin's reputation as the LGBT capital of Texas.

A stream of prominent people had been entrapped by rent boys traced back to the Shangri-La, and in the last week one of the young men had been found murdered after agreeing to turn State's evidence. It was organised extortion whichever way you looked at it, and the team were going undercover to try and mingle with the party goers to establish who was behind it.

The operation was an opportunity for desk bound Carol to finally play a part in Jane and Lisbon's professional lives. Despite their protests she appointed herself chief fashion consultant. In truth her victims had no grounds for argument. Lisbon had only just joined the home team while Jane had always played with a straight bat, at least when he played at all.

After bringing out a succession of outfits which she held up behind Lisbon's back to get Jane's opinion, Carol finally found one which met with his vigorous approval. Despite her better judgement Lisbon turned round to see what had won such keen endorsement. She rolled her eyes. "Forget it. I'm not wearing goddamned sequined hot pants for anyone."

Carol and Jane shrugged in unison; both already had that vision firmly ensconced in their respective memory palaces. Clucking her tongue in irritation, Lisbon steered Carol into their bedroom. She was resigned to letting her lover have some input but damned if she was doing it front of an audience.

When she finally emerged the transformation was complete. With bed hair, heavy black eye makeup and matching black lipstick, Lisbon scowled belligerently, just daring Jane to laugh. Far from it his pulse raced slightly, feeling stirrings of a nature he hadn't felt for a while. Lisbon really rocked the bondage look.

"Why Lisbon It's just perfect." Jane declared, hiding a smile as her chains clunked whenever she moved. Far from looking butch and scary, her pout made her downright adorable. Self preservation made Jane resist swooping in for a hug but it was a close run thing. Making first claim on her, Felix rubbed against her legs possessively and stared Jane out.

Jane's complements did nothing to lift Lisbon's spirits. "I look like an extra from the Blue Oyster Bar," she groused. Oblivious to the reference, Carol trained her fashionista gaze on Jane. "OK Patrick, now it's your turn."

Jane's visibly slumped as bondage Lisbon finally perked up on seeing the bright side to their undercover operation. Carol breezed out of the room, only to return with a rainbow coloured shopping bag that she dropped at Jane's feet.

With great trepidation Jane reached in to find a gold lamé vest. He shrugged philosophically. It was a little on the small side, and he'd have to suck his gut in for most of the evening, but it could have been far worse. When the next item he pulled out was a pair of black leather pants, he blanched and started to protest.

Disappointed with how lightly he'd gotten off Lisbon was quick to interject. "C'mon Jane, man up. A vest and pants is hardly a big departure for you."

Jane just looked at her sadly and flipped them over to reveal their true nature; assless chaps.

Lisbon's unladylike wheeze of delight earned her a furious glare from Jane. "You're walking in front of me at all times Miss Pervy Perv Perv!" He hissed.

Oblivious to the angst she was causing, Carol fairly bristled with pride when she sent them out on their mission. Her joy was intensified when Lisbon leaned in and unusually for her, initiated a smooching kiss. Whatever happened that night, Carol had ensured a win for the sisterhood. Lisbon imperiously gestured for Jane to go ahead while she enjoyed the view. The moon was rising early in Austin that night.

The FBI crew made their rendezvous outside the club. Cho had done the bare minimum to fit the part. Tight black jeans, an even tighter designer t-shirt and mirror shades. If he didn't look gay, he at least looked like the personal trainer of someone who was. When he whipped off his glasses Lisbon did a double take. Was he really wearing eyeliner? She appraised his sartorial choices critically; he really needed longer trousers with those platform heels.

Fischer had taken a different tack. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man had an entire chapter on assertive dating wear. After a careful perusal of her spare copy, Fischer elected for a tight pencil skirt, purple shirt with padded shoulders like a pro footballer and aggressively blushed cheeks.

Lisbon was as Carol had left her, which drew a low chuckle from Kim. Jane was hunched miserably in a disposable raincoat. Kim raised an eyebrow in challenge causing Jane to discard the garment with a flourish. At bottom, Jane would always be a showman. Kim's eyebrows shot up. After a considered and overlong appraisal, she gave a grudging nod of approval. There was a squeal of brakes and the honking of horns behind them as a female driver nearly ran up the curb while trying to get a better good look.

Trying to get the evening back on track, Lisbon got down to business. "Where's Wylie?"

Cho crossed his arms. There were several women walking conspicuously slowly past their little gathering and he wanted out of the public eye as soon as possible. "He said he'd meet us inside, he already knows the brief."

Kim took command. "Let's go in but remember, blend in at all costs or our cover is blown."

The team split up and did their best to mingle but without great success. They might look the part but they didn't know the scene and their awkwardness told.

Seeing Jane accosted by a statuesque blonde in a spray on dress, Lisbon hurried over proprietorially. As she got closer, Jane's new friend turned and waved at her excitedly. "What d'ya think Lisbon? Fischer chose this for me. Personally I wasn't so sure about the leopard print."

"Give us a twirl Wylie." Jane said encouragingly, chuckling at the look of horror that engulfed Lisbon.

Wylie's cherubic looks had been transformed to make him look like a cross between an albino drag queen and Lady Gaga - he teetered uncertainly on his killer heels.

"Very nice." Lisbon muttered, wondering what the hell Wylie had done to upset Fischer.

Jane's amusement was short lived when a large hairy man gave him a resounding smack on his exposed buttock as he walked past.

Not normally a violent man, Jane had to be restrained from going after the grabby Hells Angel. Lisbon steered them into a nearby booth. Jane sighed in relief as the cool leather soothed his offended cheek.

"I'm too old for this." Lisbon muttered, wondering why the hell they always landed these gigs.

"Tell me about it." Jane whined, feeling his nether regions tenderly. "My ass'll be black and blue tomorrow."

A sardonic smile crossed Lisbon's lips. Those chaps were the gift that kept on giving. Even before the final indignity, she'd seen him flinch numerous times as passers by checked his peaches for ripeness. God knew she'd been tempted to cop a feel.

"It's not safe to go back out there, I think I'll orchestrate events from here." Jane looked up just in time to acknowledge the drink sent over by a lantern jawed hunk. At this rate Jane could open his own bar; the drinks were stacking up nicely.

"At least you're not having to deal with every S&M freak." Lisbon grumbled; she hadn't been short of offers herself.

A babble of voices heralded the arrival of a new party; the husky voice of their leader was unmistakable. "Why girls look who we've found here, the delectable Patrick Jane, and if I'm not mistaken, the decidedly limber Agent Lisbon." Glenda called the rest of the troupe over. "Nice outfit." Glenda eyed Lisbon approvingly before settling her eyes on Jane. Fanning herself as if about to swoon. "Oh my, he stops my heart every time."

"Sssh we're undercover." Lisbon hissed.

Jane immediately saw the possibilities. "Hey Glenda, you owe us one. How about helping us out, we're not exactly in with this scene." Anything was better than braving the dance floor again.

"Why Patrick sweetheart, anything for you." Glenda listened as Jane and Lisbon outlined the task. Glenda marshalled the girls, leaving a few of the burlier ladies to form a praetorian guard around Jane, sending out the signal that people could look, but there were no free samples.

Like a giraffe drunk on fermented fruit, Wylie was tottering about the nightclub with his head in the clouds. Already a formidably tall man, the addition of four inch heels saw him in danger of getting altitude sickness. While the leopard print was a trifle vulgaire the tightly coiffed natural blonde curls, guileless demeanour and legs that literally went on forever appealed to a certain jaded mindset.

Wylie's infrequent sojourns to popular nightspots in Austin invariably saw him gravitate against a wall from where he watched the female population pay him no regard whatsoever as they danced the night away.

At the Shangri La it was a different story. Wherever he turned (usually accompanied by a lurch as he tripped over his heels) there was a steadying hand to keep him on his feet. Everyone was interested to know his name and whether he lived nearby. Someone even bought him a drink! Examining the tall glass he wasn't sure what to make of the layers of luridly coloured liquid but he had no doubt it was expensive. And it had a tiny little miniature umbrella that actually opened and closed!

One thing was for sure. No matter how this operation turned out, Wylie was definitely coming back.

Kim leant against the bar and fumed. She'd just received her third compliment on how feminine she looked and the realisation dawned she'd been taken for a transvestite. She glared at her shoulder pads. Honestly, she just been following the book's advice "Go big and go home with the big one". Worse, her attempts at finding potential rent boys had fizzled out to nothing. Clearly no-one thought she was the right market. There was nothing for it but to see if the others had more luck.

Spying Jane's blond curls she made her way over to his booth, only to be brought up short by two hefty transvestites.

"Where do you think you're going?" The towering blond with the huge Adam's apple said with an authoritarian lisp.

Kim reared up to her full height. "Who's asking?"

The blonde mountain was unimpressed. "Ivory Towers, that's who. Now run along and leave dear Patrick alone. He's had quite enough manhandling from the likes of you!"

Kim lost it. "For Christ's sake I'm special agent Kim Fischer and I need to speak with my consultant!"

The other crossdresser stepped forward. "Sure you are honey, and my name really is Ivana Goodtime. Scram Tootsie."

"Fine, let's do it the hard way!" Kim snapped. A series of eye popping contortions produced her FBI laminate which was waved under the drag security's noses.

"Damn!" Ivory Towers whistled. "That girl could wrassle a python with those thighs…"

Ivana Goodtime could only agree. "I knew she was packing something down there."

Giving the two the fish eye, Fischer slid gracelessly besides Jane to get the latest update.

With Glenda and her cohort on-board, it largely became a problem of logistics as to how to update each other on progress. Rather than route everything through Jane's command centre where, judging by the increasing number of drinks he was already commanding enough attention, the dance floor became the de-briefing centre.

Lisbon was taking a breather at Jane's table when Glenda bore down on her with a rose clenched between her teeth. As Lisbon clomped after her graceful companion she took a moment to reflect on just how bizarre life had turned. She was living with Jane, but sleeping with Carol, dressed very butch and following a man to the dance floor, who wore heels with a panache she would never achieve.

Who was expected to lead in this scenario? She wondered frantically. Her few high school dance classes (wasted at the time thanks to Woody Squire) felt a long way away. She wondered what Sister Agnes would say if she saw how her star pupil was putting her lessons to use.

All scattered thoughts ended when the sound system blasted out the opening chords to the El Bimbo Tango. A rose stem was thrust between her teeth and she was bent over backwards and skilfully pushed through the crowd. Glenda might be a lady but she packed the punch of a linebacker and had no problems manoeuvring Lisbon around.

A set of luscious scarlet lips came to rest against Lisbon's ear. "The girls have found a few likely types who could be the honey traps for the operation. I've got them sharing some 'girl talk', see if any of them is ready to spill."

Lisbon was raised upright and took the opportunity to transfer the rose. "I hope they know what they're doing"

A series of whiplash head turns left Lisbon with a crick in her neck and the rose in her mouth.

"Don't worry honey. In our line of work you have to get very good reading the intentions of men."

Glenda paced forward, forcing Lisbon to retreat. They came chest to chest (more like chest to belly) and in the blink of an eye the rose was clamped between Glenda's strong teeth.

Lisbon still wasn't convinced. "What if they don't want to talk?" She looked to her companion only to realise the rose prevented a reply. With a weary sigh she obediently popped her mouth open to receive the increasingly chewed and sodden stem.

A chuckle rumbled from her partner's chest. "Oh my girls are just laying the groundwork, so to speak. Once our suspects are primed I'll swoop in for the kill. Believe me honey, when Glenda gets her hand on a man, he always spills."

Lisbon swallowed heavily. Despite appearances there was a lot to be said for being swept around the dance floor by a strong set of male arms. All sorts of strange possibilities passed fleetingly through her mind.

Almost as if to belay the thought Glenda changed tack. "A little bird tells me you've started playing for the other team?"

Tiring of the game Lisbon spat out the rose. A sense of loyalty to Carol prevented her from denying the insinuation. "She's very good to me. I can't say I ever imagined a possibility like that but it just felt right."

"Hmm, an enlightened view I wish more people shared." Glenda glanced at Jane's booth and saw him down a drink in one swallow as he watched them dance. There was no question his gaze was fixed on the pert little Goth in the drag queen's arms. "What does Jane think?"

Uncomfortable with the road the conversation was taking Lisbon looked to disengage. "Jane's fine with it. Why wouldn't he be?" She pressed a cheeky kiss to the back of Glenda's hand. "Thanks for the dance." A wicked thought stirred her. "You can give the next update to Agent Cho."

Glenda watched Lisbon stomp back to her booth. Jane had rebuilt his mask and was watching the room with detached interest. On seeing Glenda he flashed a warm smile. Still, the drag queen had been round the block a few times and wasn't so easily convinced.

Making the most of his safe haven, Jane had been steadily working his way through his drinks until a happy buzz set in. The jangling of approaching chains alerted Jane to pretend to be working. Grabbing one of his shots, Lisbon knocked it back in one. "Jeez, I've lost Cho now. Where the hell is everyone?"

The agent in question was slow dancing with Cher Noble, a member of Glenda's troupe who was giving him an update. Much like everything he did, the agent's dancing could be described as cool, competent and with a minimum of emotion. He steered his partner expertly through the gyrating throng, posture rigidly erect and hands placed in perfect position against hip and lower back, fingers pressed seamlessly together.

Cher fluttered her eyelids as she gazed adoringly at her handler. "I like a man who knows how to lead."

"What's the update." Discussing dancing preferences with a transvestite was not a conversation Cho was prepared to have.

His partner made a moue of disappointment. "Ok fine. Glenda's got one of the rent boys to spill. They're in the powder room."

Cho considered for a second. "OK. I'll see if we can get Jane to help out."

Cher paused briefly, throwing the agent out of step. "I don't think that's a good idea. We don't want to spook the boy. When Glenda's got what you need she'll go direct to Jane."

Cho nodded. "Understood." He looked to move away but was brought up short when Cher Noble didn't let go of him.

"What's the hurry," she breathed.

While Cho's expression didn't change his discomfort was palpable. "I don't like dancing."

"Sure you do. Let's just finish this number. Go on, dip me.

"No."

Using a move he'd learnt in the Rangers Cho disengaged and was heading for the edge of the dance floor when the track changed. After a two second electronic intro the song opened with a siren call no man of Korean heritage could ignore.

OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!

Almost against his will Cho found himself in the middle of the dance floor. Whipping out his mirror shades, he got into the groove and immaculately 'rode the pony' as if he were the incarnation of PSY. Cher Noble could only gape in surprise. While Cho was competent at the slow dance, he could cut some serious moves to a modern beat.

Before long he was flanked on either side by a line of drag queens giving it their all while the club went berserk. Jane and Lisbon watched in awe as Cho galloped left and right without breaking rhythm or even a sweat. His backup dancers copied him as best they could, though the vigorous riding motion caused various bits of anatomy to jiggle that put serious lie to their advertised gender.

Jane clunked a nameless cocktail against Lisbon's domestic beer. "Cho and his bro's eh Lisbon?"

Teresa snorted in appreciation. "I wish Rigsby could see this, it would make his year."

Glenda's unsubtle interrogation of the rent boy soon revealed the lynchpin of the operation and she updated Jane and Lisbon directly. Spotting the suspect about to leave, Lisbon searched for team. Seeing Wylie mince across the dance floor cocktail in hand, it was obvious he wasn't going anywhere fast in that dress, and darn it if Cho hadn't progressed to throwing some moves to Tainted Love. Was this really the time to audition for dancing with the stars? A glance in the other direction revealed a couple of powerfully built women in comfortable shoes ejecting a furiously protesting Kim Fischer from the ladies bathroom.

With a disparaging look at Jane, who would be no help even if sober, Lisbon realised she was going to have to do this herself. Like a miniature Terminator, she cornered her suspect before he reached the exit. Tugging a firearm from her ankle holster she shouted "FBI. Put your hands in the airaaahh..."

The short chains on the cuff of her jacket had snagged on something. Lisbon was left hopping helplessly as she tried to free her arm from her boot. Who the hell thought this costume was a good idea?

A slow smile crossed the suspect's face, as his fortune turned. He'd kill the bitch and move onto greener pastures.

With a sense of dread Lisbon looked down the barrel of the very large gun now pointed at her, wondering at the injustice of being shot by a weapon decorated with bright rainbows and a sparkling unicorn. The new life she'd embraced was going to be the death of her.

Lisbon watched the trigger finger tighten, only to be reprieved by a stranger who appeared from nowhere, and cracked a bottle over the suspect's head. He folded like a cheap deck of cards.

Lisbon looked up with relief to see Archie Bloom; he'd blossomed from a winsome young thing into a fine specimen of a man albeit currently in an eye bending Geoffrey Mac number.

"I think we're even now Agent Lisbon." Archie said softly, he had indeed paid his debt in full.

Glenda breezed in like a mother hen to collect Archie. "I'm sure you'll understand why we won't be hanging around." She flashed a quick look in Archie's direction. Lisbon nodded understandingly. It wouldn't do for anyone to ask too many questions; they were all complicit in that cover up.

Glenda sashayed away taking one last mischievous look at Lisbon. "Say goodbye to Patrick, and when he comes round just tell him he wasn't dreaming."

When Lisbon finally got back to Jane, she found him passed out in the booth and plastered in lipstick kisses of every conceivable shade of pink. The troupe had taken a down payment before they left. Given he'd been less than helpful on the case, Lisbon didn't feel at all sympathetic. She pulled out her phone and captured the evidence on his posterior for posterity. It might be useful next time he played up (or she got bored).

The takedown was over and the nightclub largely cleared. Wylie and Cho were sprawled carelessly against the back wall of the dance floor. The younger agent was at his ease, legs spread carelessly and dress hiked halfway up his waist. After the heat of the action the cool breeze it facilitated was refreshing.

Kim walked by and on catching sight of what was on display, did a double take and tripped over her heels, catching the edge of a cocktail table on the way down. A half dozen empty and half empty glasses rained on her head to complete an absolutely hellish night.

Wylie didn't even notice. "This was such an awesome place! I met a bunch of killer girls who gave me all sorts of fashion tips. One of them even told me to see Glenda if I wanted to join the show!"

Cho looked upwards for inspiration. He'd gotten plenty of offers as well after his Gangnam Style exploits, the only difference being he didn't have any illusions about the gender of his admirers and the nature of their interest. He wondered if even Rigsby could ever have been this clueless. Looking across at his guileless companion he wondered how to let him down easily. "Those chicks were dudes."

Wylie's head jerked in surprise. "No way! Plenty of women go to these sorts of clubs, for the music. They were the real deal, I could tell." He started digging through his silver clutch to find his phone. "Look at all the numbers I got. There's Wilma Fingerdu, Anita Bump, Sue De Nim, Latrine Kleen…" He frowned. "They do look kinda funny when you see them written down."

He brightened again after a moment's reflection. "One of them even downloaded this app up on my phone so we could stay in touch. I think it was called Grindr…" Mistaking Cho's sour look for jealously Wylie's voice turned conciliatory. "With all these numbers there's plenty to go around. We could double date!"

Jane and Lisbon were curiously uneasy with each other on the cab ride home. The journey passed largely in silence as each looked out of the window deep in thought. When their legs accidentally touched after a tight corner they both jumped nervously, as if struck by a bolt of electricity. Though hyper aware of each other's presence, they resolutely tried to ignore it.

Lisbon's mind was awash with conflicting emotions which only intensified when she saw Carol's apprehensive face waiting to greet them. What she had with her lover was real but there was no denying her latent feelings for Jane or the fact her body still responded to the touch of a man. Not one for introspection, she whisked Carol away, and proceeded to ravish her, as much for soothing her troubled mind as for partner's pleasure.

Felix followed Jane to the kitchen, both seemed slightly put out. "Hey Felix, how about some milk, we're definitely not needed in there…"