Life, Her Hell that Holds Love
Word count: 1798
A/N: Surprise! I'm actually having a semester break from National Service. So I decide to update another chapter to keep my readers entertained (and also to kill time because I'm rotting in boredom).
Who Am I to Say is performed by Hope. I've only quoted a line from the lyrics, but do listen to the whole song! It's heartbreaking, especially where she sings, "colour me blue, I'm lost in you."
I had a hard time writing this because it's kind of depressing, not to mention it's writing from Haibara's POV.
Review to tell me what you think. Thanks!
Chapter 7: Who Am I to Say
"Wake up;" a familiar voice calls softly, "you've been sleeping for too long."
I flinch. The ground is so soft, so comfortable; the air is filled with a special, fresh scent. I blink a few times, seeing the green that cushion the ground and giving out sweet fragrance. I'm lying on grass.
A shadow blocks the faint sunlight. I lift my head up to see, though only the silhouette, I can immediately recognize the face.
"Ran-san," I call, surprised to see her smiling at me. "Where are we?" I feel the ache in my head as I try to recall what happened. I sit up from the ground.
"Shh," she blinks playfully, "You'll be fine."
"What about you?" Am I too sensitive? It doesn't feel right when she says 'you' instead of 'we'.
"Me?" her bright blue eyes blink in confusion and sadness, "I don't know."
The innocence in her triggers my emotions; I feel my heart aches as tears roll down for some reason that I can't be sure of.
"Don't cry, beautiful," she gives me her best smile, holding my cold, weak hands, "take care of Shinichi on behalf of me."
"No..." I choke out the word looking into her sincere eyes, "you take care of him yourself."
"Sorry," she says as she wipes away the tears on my cheeks, "but I don't think I'm able to do so..." As she speaks, she stands up and walks away. Slowly, she gets further away from me.
"No, don't go!" I beg. I try to get up but I can't feel the strength of my legs. "Ran-san!" All that left for me is my hoarse voice crying her name, but she never look back...
oOoOoOoOo
"Ai-chan! Ai-chan!" I hear someone calling as I force my eyes open. In blurred vision, I see Professor Agasa holding my arms, while Jodie, Akai and the Detective Kids standing beside, close to me, looking at me full of concern.
I see myself in white pajamas, covered in white blanket, lying on a white bed, surrounded by white walls. The word 'hospital' comes across my mind immediately, and the irritating smell of medicine confirms my thought.
"Where's Ran-san?!" I cry as I sit up, can't help of it, before I have time to remember what happened. I feel wetness from my eyes conquering every inch of the skin of my cheeks, and I hastily wipe it off.
Everyone who stands in front of me stares to the ground, if not, to each other, but there's no one to answer my question.
"Where's RAN-SAN?!" I scream with all the strength I manage, feeling my throat being tore apart. More tears stream down from my eyes, and no matter how hard I wipe my face, it can never be dried off.
"I heard she's been calling another patient's name since a while ago," a strange male voice sounds from far, together with sounds of footsteps, getting louder as the owner gets closer, "is she awake now?"
A young man in white suit, whom I assume as a doctor, appears from behind the door together with two nurses. Apparently he's the one who owns the voice, as well as my doctor in charged.
"WHERE IS RAN-SAN?!" I shout my lungs out, knowing that he's the only one who's willing to answer my question.
"Calm down!" he demands in a cool voice, instructing one of his nurses to stand by, "If you don't, I'll have to let her inject tranquilizer into your body." He isn't as inexperienced as his appearance.
I gulp, hoping to stop the sob, but fail; tears are still flowing like waterfalls. "Where," I take a deep breath to regain the strength to speak, "tell me, where is Ran-san?"
"Don't worry, she's alive," the doctor says with a flat voice. I look at Professor Agasa for assurance, and he nods. "Unfortunately," my heart sinks as I listen, "she suffers from a large amount of blood loss and serious concussion, that I'm afraid, she can only regain consciousness by miracle."
"No..." the word escapes my lips, "no... No... No..." I repeat it like a mantra; I have totally no control over the tears that overflow, "It's my fault! My fault!" My head aches as fragments of flashback play in my mind, repeating, torturing me.
"No, it's not. It's Vermouth's fault. You can do nothing about it," Jodie finally speaks, holding me in her arms though I struggle.
"It is! She is now like this because of me! I do nothing but let her in danger because of me!" I cried, louder, harder, more tired, and more intense.
The doctor seems to be helpless, and as the last resort, he orders the nurse to do injection for me.
I fall asleep involuntarily, sobbing, as I feel the needle enters my skin.
oOoOoOoOo
"Ran-san!" I cry out loud as she collapses in front of me. I grab her body that is already covered in blood with my trembling hands, trying to preserve the heat of her body that I'm afraid will be gone at any time.
"Ah... Ugh!" Vermouth's groan is heard, which I'm sure is caused by Shinichi; but it doesn't matter now.
Why would it matter?
All I want is Ran to be all right.
All I want is the two of them living happy ever after.
If I could, I'd rather I'm the one who's bleeding, instead of her.
Why should it ever turn out this way?
"Run!" I hear Shinichi demands.
Bomb...
Counting down...
Run...
I do my best to put myself together and carry Ran out of the freaking factory that will be blasted in no time. Her weight that is beyond my power causes my steps to be slowed down, but there's no time to waste.
Shinichi, initially dealing with Vermouth and finally causing her unconsciousness, takes Ran from me and carries her out. We run with all our might, it feels as if my pair of legs is sprinting beyond its limit...
It all ends, when an enormous exploding sound is heard from behind, milliseconds later it followed by dazzling glare, then blazing heat. Our bodies are thrown forward by an invisible thrust.
I see Shinichi tries to protect Ran with his own body by holding her.
I see the fear of losing her in his expression.
I see the two being separated by the force of the explosion.
I see their bodies being thrown to different places...
The world in front of my eyes becomes shaky, vague, diminished... And finally disappears.
Shinichi...
Ran...
My heart cries silently as my mind goes black...
oOoOoOoOo
Horror takes over, as I find myself sitting up from where I lie, gasping for air. The piercing heartbeat of mine is too much for my feeble chest, not to mention my lungs are seeking for comfort by greedily taking in air.
Helplessly, I cover my eyes with my hands. I feel the cold sweat that drenches my face, and the coarse feeling that suggests my forehead is bandaged. In a sluggish pace, I remove my hands from my eyes, at the same time fixing my anxious breathing.
As my fingers are slowly removed, I see darkness that's adorned with the slightest light from outside the door and the window. There's no one around, probably the doctor suggested them to go.
Feeling the dryness in my throat, I decide to get myself some water. While filling my glass with water, I glance at the clock. With the help of the dim light, I see it shows 2:35.
I swallow the water bit by bit, wondering how long I have gone unconscious.
And how are you, Shinichi?
Do you hate me?
Would you still love me, or had you ever love me?
But who am I to say you love me?
The cracking sound of the door breaks the silence in the ward, as well as my effortless thoughts. Through the glass of the door, I see the features of him.
The glass in my hand suddenly feels so heavy as my heart aches. I tardily put the glass down while I fix my gaze on the man who's moving in.
He tries hard not to drag his feet.
He tries hard not to look onto the floor.
He tries hard not to clench his fists.
But the dark circle under his eyes that can be seen even in the dark betrays his acting.
"Oh," he sees me staring blankly at him, "you're awake." There's no surprise in his voice, probably he had learnt that I had regained consciousness.
I nod, noticing his wellness other than the tiny scratches on his face. I decide to avoid speaking of Ran.
I feel ashamed even just to think about how she sacrificed for me.
"Well," Shinichi locks his gaze to mine, which makes me feel weak, "you don't have to take the blame for what happened to Ran. She wouldn't like you to feel this way."
"But," I hate myself for seeking the truth, "do you? Do you hate me for this?"
"No," he answers after seconds of hesitation, followed by a sigh, "I've lost Ran, somehow. I don't want to lose you too, just because I let you suffer in guilt and regret. To be fair, it's not your fault from the beginning."
"So," I gulp, refuse to give in to my sanity, continue asking the question I shouldn't ask, "with Ran being like this now, would it make it easier or harder to love me?"
"Wha..." The exhausted pair of eyes glows in surprise.
"You don't have to answer," I say, "I think I know the answer." Looking at his dumbfounded and confused expression, I end the conversation that will lead to no way good, "Please leave. You don't have to pretend. You don't have to suffer seeing me."
"Why wouldn't you believe me right from the start?" he questions, frowning, sounding fucked up, "I've told you, my feelings to Ran is just feelings to a sister, a childhood friend. I had false feelings to Ran before, yes, I admit. But I need you to know, and be sure of it, YOU ARE THE ONE I LOVE."
None of us is sane enough to realize before now, his face is so close to mine, because he was too frustrated that he moves closer as he speaks. One of his hands is resting on my bed, while the other on the bed frame.
I feel his impatient breath against my skin. Listen to his words obediently, I struggle to hold myself so that I don't cry.
No, I don't want to seem so weak.
I close my eyes when I see him approaching, just to feel the eagerness and wrath in his lips that I know is coming.
Reply to dear guest reviewers:
Someone else, can't agree more... And do tell me if this is in your prediction. National Service is... Well, I have no idea how to define it. Google it, I would say, if you are interested, but I think you're probably not. I'll continue to the very end of this fic!
Comet32, arigato! I'll do my best.