Time frame: 5 years before the outbreak

POV: Ellis

Main event: Keith tries to outdo the internet

Did I ever tell you about the time Keith thought he was better than everyone on the internet? We were at my house, lookin for some shit on Amazon...I can't for the life of me remember what we were lookin for, but for some reason, an unexpected item turns up in my recommeded section. It's these damn Haribo gummy bears. I don't even particularly like gummy bears so I don't know what that was about, but Keith liked them and thought the huge bag was a great deal so I clicked on the page.

I noticed this particular item had real bad reviews and we started readin them. They were hilarious to me (great read if you ever need a laugh) but Keith thought everyone that wrote a bad review about intestinal distress was just a delicate moron so he insisted that he wanted to take advantage of that great deal and bought the damn 5lb bag of gummy bears.

Well, three days later, I decide to give Keith a call because I'm bored to death and I want to go do somethin later. He doesn't pick up his phone so I think, "No problem, I'll just drop by his house and see what's up." The whole gummy bear thing was already forgotten. I go to his house and I knock on the door, but no one answers. The TV is on kinda loud so I figure Keith is home and just can't hear me over the sound of the TV so I just walked in.

...and walked right back out again as fast as I could. The front door didn't even have time to close before I was out. The smell...man I can't even describe it besides sayin it was the nastiest thing I ever smelled in my life. I've smelled zombies that smell better than the crimes against nature that Keith committed in his bathroom. The whole house had an awful sugary shit haze cast over it. It about knocked me clean out when I opened the door.

So I turned and jumped off the steps, then stood in the grass and laughed and laughed. I laughed so hard I couldn't stand and went to my hands and knees. Even then, I laughed. I laughed so damn hard there were tears pouring down my face and someone passing by woulda not been sure if I was crying in agony or laughing in hysterics.

Paul came over for somethin or other and saw me in my state in the front lawn and he panicked. He yells, "Aww shit, is my dad dead?!" Since I'm too out of myself to answer him, he bolts into the house, only to scream as loud as he could and run back out to throw up all over the driveway.

That just made me laugh more and I felt like I was gonna either pass out or pee myself. Paul was groaning because he puked his guts out and then he was askin me if anyone was left in the house and I said I thought Keith was in there. Paul looked back at the house and says, "He's probably dead. I'm not goin back for him, and I was never here." And he was gonna get in his car and drive away, but...

Just then, Keith comes out the front door, real slow and not too steady. He looks like he actually is dead. He's sweaty and breathing in short gasps like he's tryin not to throw up too. It wasn't just the house that smelled awful. Keith smelled like Satan used him as a thong bikini. Good god, the memory still makes my eyes burn. See, I know now that he spent the whole night on the toilet and then took a shower five minutes before I came home just to put some heat on his burnt up backside. But the steam from the shower made the crap smell extra penetrating all over the house.

We turned the hose on him, me and Paul and made him lay there in the yard and wash himself off with rosemary soap. He took forever on account of how weak he was and how much he said his ass hurt, but I wasn't about to get down on the ground and give my best friend a scrub when he wasn't even drunk. Especially not in front of nobody.