Characters: Kira Yamato, Athrun Zala
Pairings: None
Time frame: GS post ep 29 pre Tolle's death
Slight Warning: This is not optimistic.
Note: Thoughts like this must have crossed Kira's mind at some point. Before Tolle was killed.
Spiral to destruction
Kira has reached a point where he looks up and sees a wall in front of him. Where he sees that which has -somehow- become reality and has been for some time.
At this point, he doesn't even have it in him anymore to deny the realization that Athrun is an enemy. Enemies, who are those that fight till either side is dead.
He remembers the shock and horror in Athrun's voice. The name of the friend that Kira killed crackling over the lines.
Athrun is an enemy.
And Kira is supposed to destroy him. Like Commander Waldfeld, like Athrun's friend.
It swims before his eyes, now more than ever, that day in space when they have said they'd destroy the other. It has been like a promise. Kira doesn't know what he has been thinking then. It can't be the same he is thinking of now. He has been so naïve. If he had known it would come to this, then he would have never agreed.
...he has not followed up on it, today, and as a result …
...it would have been better to just end it. Kira should have. Athrun would have preferred it. Probably? For sure Kira knows that their promise has ever only been meant to be between the two of them. No others have been supposed to be involved. To kill Athrun or be killed by Athrun. (Or have they already known, somewhere in their hearts, even back then, that if they continue to fight, some day it would come to this?)
Bit by bit the rift between Athrun and him has been growing. More and more, deeper and deeper and no matter how much Kira clings, his friendship with Athrun has been falling to pieces around him. Little things. Big things. And yet somehow faith has been the last thing to go.
Now there is nothing left. Now even if the fighting ends, he'll never be Athrun's friend again. Athrun will never be his friend again. Athrun is...gone...from Kira's life forever.
All those times and memories will never come real again... and nothing can change it. The past doesn't return, no matter what...
And now it is Athurn who wants to kill him.
Athrun, not someone nameless, faceless.
It hurts. It hurts far more than Kira has expected.
He has thought nothing could be worse than already shooting at his friend.
But this...
-this is worse. So much worse.
And yet, though Athrun is the enemy, Kira still can't stop thinking of him as the best friend he has, has ever had-
Abruptly, he shakes his head stubbornly, trying to return from the past to the present.
To a present where Kira is wondering if it might not be better to just let it all end...(and how to go about it...)
Maybe if Athrun can get to strike back for what Kira has done to him, it will make his hurt less...And it will be at Athrun's hand that it ends.
Because Kira is starting to realize can't finish it.
He has hurt Athrun so much, now, he isn't sure he can find the strength to pull the trigger again. Not with the Archangel needing him less and less with the closer they get to the safety of Alaska. Less reason for him to fight...
He doesn't want to shoot at Athrun anymore and his fingers move less every time. ...because even if he tires he probably can't keep this up for much longer.
It would be so easy. Just letting it happen. No price, no effort, no more pain, no more anguish. It would be as easy as doing nothing. And Kira deserves it.
But for now...
When Kira thinks about it, it isn't that simple after all. It'd be so easy, the best solution for all the problems Kira can see, but maybe, honestly, despite it all, Kira doesn't want to die yet. Not with things like this between them now; in the midst of grieving for the friendship they have shared, hoping that maybe their bond isn't dead after all, and despairing that it may. Not without speaking to his parents again. Not with Cagalli asking him not to die.
Kira doesn't want to hurt her. But he doesn't want to hurt anyone else either, doesn't want to hurt anyone else ever again. Doesn't want to hurt Athrun more.
...he just feels so tired. He just wishes it all to end. And Kira can't see a way.
He can't see the line that draws an end. To this, to the war. To the dying, to the killing. To the anguish. Except one. Kill Athrun or be killed by Athrun.
Athrun...Cagalli...Tolle, Miri...Sai, Kuzzey...Flay...Mom, Dad...everyone on the ship...
...But soon, they won't need me anymore, right?
Kira doesn't know anymore; what to do, what to feel. There are so few things still clear in his mind. Even the easiest things have become so mixed up.
Yet despite it all, he still thinks of Athrun as a friend. Their friendship and time on the moon are the happiest memory he still has, even though just thinking of them now is anguish.
Kira doesn't want to lose Athrun, too. However, what Kira has done, killing Athrun's friend...it's so heavy. With the weight of that life, Kira has already lost Athrun.
And when he thinks about pulling the trigger, the impulse just won't come. His finger just won't move.
Am I going to kill Athrun...?