Characters: Meer Cambell
Pairings: None
Time Frame: post GSD ep 37
Relevance of truth
"He only has use for people that play the roles he has assigned them!"
Meer has not believed Athrun. Or maybe she has, but only she has chosen not to let it matter. Because all her life she has wanted to be like Lacus and now she is Lacus herself. After all, Meer is living her dream.
But Athrun is -has been- different. And Meer does not understand why; what is so bad about playing a role? How can it be that just to protest it, Athrun has risked and lost his life?
"If you can't do that anymore, he'll kill you!"
Like Athrun has been killed.
Has he spoken the truth?
But Meer is Lacus. She does everything Lacus does, she is everything Lacus is. Giving hope, giving reason, giving direction and signing for peace. That is who Meer (Lady Lacus) is, right?
Yet Athrun has called her Lacus only once and that has been in a way that almost makes her wish he hadn't. It has not been directed at her, it has not been a compliment or an acknowledgment. Instead the name has left his lips as if he did not have the energy to waste on his usual avoidance. He has hardly even looked at her, ill-hidden anger directed at the Chairman.
There are far too many things she doesn't know.
In truth, what does she know?
She is Lacus, yet she doesn't know who that Kira Yamato, who she is supposed to be close enough to so that it can be said he has 'left' her, is. Meer has never heard that name before, yet Athrun has moved as if stabbed. His face, so removed, so hard, has slipped and, Meer thinks, the crushing anguish that has flashed through has been the truest and most horrible expression she has ever seen.
Has that person been a friend? Has Athrun been grieving for someone who has been killed by the people around him? By the Chairman, by that kid, by Meer herself for the support she gives, by ZAFT?
And, is that the only real expression she has ever seen on his face?
Meer is Lacus and yet she can't tell, she doesn't know. How can she not know? He is her finacè and she can't even tell!
Is it because she does not need to know it to be Lacus?
But that-
How much more does she not know?
...and it is with a sinking feeling that she recalls that Lady Lacus has fought side by side with the Archangel. Meer is supposed to know them, too, they ought to be her allies. Meer has never even thought twice about it until now. What if the Archangel has been as important to Lady Lacus as it seems to have been to Athrun? Then what should she be doing, thinking, feeling?
Meer sees an unconquerable wall grow between her and what she has determined to have lived through. All the thoughts and assumptions, the stories and pictures she has imagined to fill that past she does not have are falling and crumbling to dust.
Until now, she has thought Athrun has betrayed his father to be with Lacus. For her sake and for her cause, but now she finds herself doubting.
Isn't it that Athrun has changed sides away from Lacus, before the Eternal has even been ready to leave PLANT?
What, she dreads to consider, if Athrun's reasons for defecting have not been tied to his fiancèe?
Then the person Meer has thought Athrun to be isn't really him. Who is Athurn? (Who is Lady Lacus?) What if Athrun has betrayed ZAFT for the Archangel, for those on board that ship – Kira Yamato? Someone or something else? - once already, then...
What is Meer doing, then? She is his fiancèe and doesn't that mean she is supposed to support him and help him and be with him? Meer has brought Athrun that picture of him and others because of it.
(Should Meer have known those people? Are they dead now?)
But now Athrun is dead, the Archangel is gone, what is Meer supposed to do?
Lady Lacus guides the people towards peace and Meer does that. It is the most important and Lady Lacus has given up a lot for the goal once already; surely old comrades and the death of her fiancè could not change that?
But what if it does, like it has done for Athrun?
Meer does not know, at all.
But she is Lacus!
How can she be Lacus if she doesn't know anything about her or around her at all?
Then, has she known Athrun at all?
If only she had spoken to Athurn more. If only she had gotten to know him. Maybe if she had, Athrun would still be alive, now.
The only thing she still knows is the most important thing: speaking for peace and giving the world hope. So long as she can do that, fill her role, she is right, she is Lacus.
Beyond that, more and more, Lacus (her) identity is slipping away from her.
"Please do not be deceived by the appearance of that person. My name is Lacus Clyne."