A/N: Thank you to everyone for sticking it out with me on this one so far. You're amazing and your reviews always make me smile. Thank you for the follows and the favorites as well! You keep me writing and I am eternally grateful to you for that. Much love until next chapter...
"Mockingjay - Katniss, is it possible for you to go anywhere without your infant?" Coin asks narrowing her eyes and crossing her arms. "What we're doing here is actually important and I would like your undivided attention at this time."
"I'd be distracted without her," states Katniss. "So she's staying."
"No," Coin says shaking her head. "You will take her somewhere else and come back here immediately."
"If you're so sure Peeta won't hurt her," snaps Gale. "Just bring her to Peeta to watch. That way we all get what we want." She pauses and narrows her eyes at him, weighing the options set before her, but slowly she begins to nod and turns to leave the room. "Hurry back, Katniss." Gale's final words before the door shuts behind her.
"They just don't understand, Lily," she sighs and bounces the infant gently as she walks. "They don't see how terrified I am to leave you anywhere I can't see you, or with anyone I can't trust, they just don't understand how good you are...and how desperately I need that goodness right now. We don't really know much about what happened to your father, and as much as I'd like to believe he's back to normal...I know he's not." Lily fusses and Katniss shifts her upward so that her head is leaning against her shoulder.
"He's not back to normal. As much as I would love to deny that fact…" she shrugs as she turns down a terminal. "Even the last couple of nights. I'm afraid something is going to happen and he's going to snap...try to kill me again. Oh sweetheart, I don't want to believe that, but in light of things it seems impossible for him to not be so wholly affected. Try as I might to ignore it...I can't." Katniss stops talking as she walks past several standing officials of District 13. She nods politely and passes by them. When she finally makes it to the hospital wing - where Peeta is still technically living - she sees Prim. "Prim!"
"Katniss?" Her sister says sounding surprised. "What are you doing here? Why is Lily here?"
"They don't want her in the meeting," she says and Prim nods in understanding. "So I figured she could spend some time with Peeta, and you, maybe just keep an eye on her...and him. I want so much for everything to be alright…"
"But you don't want to get your hopes up?"
"No," she shakes her head profusely, "I don't."
"I'm on a break," admits her sister. "I can take her to Peeta. I'll even spend the rest of my break there."
"Thanks Prim," she gently hands the infant over to her aunt. "Do not let her out of your sight."
"I won't, I promise."
"Thank you," Katniss inhales sharply and then hastily leaves the room. Making her way back to the conference room turns out to be harder than she had anticipated. The farther the distance became between her and Lily - and Peeta for that matter - the higher her anxiety grew. The fear of one or both of them being taken away from her became so strong that she found herself collapsing against a wall, not until she sees a pair of feet near her own does she come to some sort of awareness. She looks up slowly.
"You okay, Katniss?" Asks Johanna Mason in concern. "You're very pale."
"It's all my fault," she squeaks out.
"What?" Johanna wonders, squatting down in front of Katniss. "What is going on?"
"They didn't want Lily in the meeting," Katniss begins to hyperventilate. "So I had Prim bring her to Peeta...but I don't know if-"
Johanna reaches out a cautious hand and places it on Katniss' knee. "You want me to go over and keep an eye on both of them? I don't mind. Just make sure if anything of vital importance happens in that meeting, that you tell me, okay?" Katniss nods and with a quick pat to her knee, Johanna jumps to her feet and heads back the way Katniss came. "I won't let anything happen to that little girl. That's a promise."
Apprehensively Katniss gets to her feet and continues walking to the conference room. Knowing that what Johanna said was true. If there was one person Katniss never wanted to cross - ever - it would be her. The girl who played herself off as a weakling in her Games and then came out the victor...no, there were certain people Katniss would much rather be allied with were it ever to come to something like that. If Johanna said she won't let anything happen, then she won't let anything happen. With a newfound strength Katniss picks up her pace and makes it back to the room.
"Thank you, Mockingjay," says Coin, motioning to Katniss to take a seat between Gale and Finnick. "Now that we're all here, I'd like to thank you all for your help with the propo's. They have been a huge success around Panem and have won over numerous districts. However, we still seem to be having issues with District 2. The Peacekeepers are stationed there and are in an impenetrable fortress that we can not figure a way into it yet that would not result in a great loss of life."
"Tough nut to crack?" Katniss says jokingly but Boggs nods.
"Perfect, we'll call it the Nut."
"Oh," Katniss mutters, barely audible. Finnick hears her and smiles. She certainly didn't think that her saying anything would have any real merit. So far most of her opinions and ideas had been shot down. Why take advice or counsel from the girl who lost so much, who had so much taken from her, who had every reason to not want to help. Oh, no, that would be useless, no one wanted to hear her anyways. She was convinced even Gale would brush her off. A sentiment that rubbed her the wrong way to begin with.
As hunting partners, there was no one better, no one more capable...but he was different somehow and Katniss couldn't place what it was that changed him, and she was beginning to doubt if the Gale she met in the woods four years ago, would ever return to the one sitting beside her. He was so callous, what had happened that caused him to have more hatred for the Games than Peeta, than even she did. Gale never witnessed first hand - like she did - what it was like in an arena, never felt that need for self preservation being separated from you, when the only thing you want is someone else to survive...because you can't imagine what a life without that other person would be like, or even how hard it would be with them being so self-sacrificing and ready to die to defend you, to make sure you live a long life - a long life without that person. A long life absolutely alone.
"Katniss?" Coin's voice brings her back to her senses.
"Sorry," she apologizes. "What did you say?"
"I said, we'd like to send you to District 2," she's nodding, agreeing with herself. "We think that you could be very useful in that capacity. We need to do whatever we can to get them fully on our side. You are a beacon of hope and we want you to utilize that influence to get them to join us, with the hopes that your mere presence will cause the change that we so desperately need. People are looking to you, and we need to take full advantage of that." Her mouth begins to curve into a smile, but not a normal smile; halfway between a grimace and a grin.
"Why?" She responds with her first thought before clearing her head and trying that again. "Sorry. I understand why you would want that, but what makes you think that me going there will do anything, why is that going to help? Why would that help?"
"Katniss you have a great deal more influence than you yet realize," Coin says, sounding more irritated with Katniss by the moment. "We really need your participation on this one. It would mean a lot to all of us. To Panem. We may be able to encourage more loyalist to come out of the shadows in District 2 with your help." She pauses and when Katniss doesn't seem to get it she continues, "we really need your cooperation on this Katniss. I could just send you to District 2 without asking, but I'm here, asking you to please help us."
Katniss mulls it over for a moment. "I'll go. But I have some conditions."
"Citizens do not make demands," Coin says confidently, shaking her head.
"Why should I do all of this without getting something in return?" Katniss mumbles. "I am doing all of this for you, for the rebellion, for Panem. If you want this to succeed, I have some conditions."
"This rebellion is not contingent on your cooperation, Mockingjay."
"No," says Katniss shaking her head. "But you do need me." No one disagrees with her so she continues. "I have four conditions. I want to see District 12 for myself, I have to know what the Capitol did to it." Gale starts to object but Katniss waves him off. "I want to hunt. And I could use Gale's help. He's always been good at that. Peeta and the other victors here will be pardoned for anything they said against the Capitol."
"No."
"It's not their fault you left us all in the arena. And they shouldn't be held accountable for anything they might have been forced to say." She stops at this, not sure if she should say the final one or not, especially since she's actually thought about this before.
"What is the final one?" Says Plutarch, amused.
"I kill Snow."
There is such an intense silence in the room that you could hear a pin drop. The silence is only broken by Finnick bursting into laughter. The rest of the group remains silent and unchanged. Finnick spins to face Katniss and speaks, "I'm all for that." Haymitch begins to shake his head. "I fully support that request." The group stays silent even still. No one else speaks for several minutes. When Finnick has had enough of the silence he states resolutely, "There. She's made her demands and nobody died."
"I want you to announce this in front of all of District 13," Katniss continues, looking directly at Coin. "I want assurances that you are going to keep your word. Not that I think you would intentionally break it, but I want everyone to know." There was no truth in that statement, because she didn't trust Coin to keep her word. However, a united front was important, there was far too much at risk."
"Very well," says Coin, finally speaking. "We'll make the announcement this afternoon. But in return you are going to go to District 2 like we've said. Your demands is your agreement, and the announcement your contract. Is that understood?"
"Yes," Katniss nods in assent.
The rest of the meeting goes by quickly, only at the end does Coin announce that Katniss will be visiting District 12 today, because it seems to be clear and safe. She remarks how the Mockingjay is too valuable that they wouldn't be able to let her go if it wasn't going to be safe. They've given her the option to take Peeta, she agrees against the wishes of both Finnick and Haymitch as they are not quite comfortable with Peeta's recovery, not wanting to trigger him into a relapse. Katniss, however, believes that he is well enough, so in a matter of an hour they're waiting at the hovercraft.
"I don't think this is a good idea, Katniss," Gale says cautiously, when she glares at him he throws his hands up in front of him in defense. "I'm not saying this to make you angry. I just have a bad feeling about this whole thing. I don't think you can handle seeing 12. I don't think he can handle it. It's worse than you can imagine Katniss, and I just don't think it's a good idea."
"I hate to say this," interjects Haymitch. "But I agree with string boy."
"String boy?" Gale looks at him offended.
"You're so stringy," Haymitch guffaws.
Gale doesn't say anything but walks straight up into the hovercraft. Haymitch turns and winks at Katniss before following. As Katniss starts to walk up she notices that Peeta isn't following her, stopping she turns to face him, his face white as a sheet. She reaches out a cautious hand and pulls him forward. There's some resistance but he manages to make it into the hovercraft, sit down, and buckle in. He lets go of Katniss hand almost instantly to wring his hands together repeatedly. Katniss is so distracted by this that Haymitch nearly yells to get her attention.
"What?" She hisses at him.
"I'm not sure this is a good idea," he's glancing around her at Peeta as he speaks. "You don't know what it's going to be like down there, or what it's going to be like for him down there. I just don't think it's a good idea."
"Whose side are you on exactly?" She says through tightly gritted teeth.
"I'm not on any side, Katniss," he says defensively. "I'm just telling you to be cautious. Don't expect too much out of him. We still don't know what he's capable of. No offense Peeta," he leans around and looks at him pensively, "I'm just concerned."
"It's okay," mutters Peeta. "I'm sure I would be too. Had my head not been messed with."
"Well that's not your fault, Peeta," Haymitch says apologetically.
Peeta shrugs, "Maybe not, but everything I've done since then has been. You always have a choice. I keep making bad ones it seems. I can't control my actions, it's like I'm sleepwalking sometimes. I don't know how else to explain it, sometimes I'm aware of what I'm doing and sometimes I'm not." He looks around at the group before resting his gaze on Katniss, "Lily helps, but there are still urges to kill you. They're so intense sometimes it's suffocating."
"It's okay, Peeta," posits Katniss.
"Somewhere inside," he shakes his head harshly, "I know it's not." He leans back in the chair and begins to repeatedly hit the back of his head against the chair. "I know it's not okay. I appreciate the optimism Katniss, but I know it's not okay."
Katniss looks on as he continues to try to hang on to reality, her heart breaking over and over again with every hit of his head to the chair. Helpless, that's how she was feeling. Completely and utterly helpless. Here he was slipping and she couldn't do anything to help, anything to keep him attached to reality, sure he'd been okay the last few days, but she had to admit...he wasn't okay. He was right, it's not. But her pessimism was so intense lately that she was struggling to breathe herself.
Mesmerized Katniss continued to watch Peeta the whole way to District 12. Haymitch and Gale both spoke with her at different times, but she wouldn't be able to remember anything they said because she was so preoccupied with Peeta's mental state. It takes several calling of her name from Haymitch for her to understand that they were finally here and they needed to get off the hovercraft. Katniss nods slowly and gets to her feet. Peeta hesitantly follow after her and Gale follows closely behind them. Haymitch doesn't move, however.
"Aren't you coming with us?" Katniss asks, spinning to face him.
"No," he vehemently shakes his head back and forth. "I've seen something like it before. I certainly don't need to see it again." Katniss steps forward to ask him but he brushes her away. "Better get out there before I change my mind and force you all to go back to District 13." They nod. Peeta and Gale step out of the Hovercraft but Haymitch catches Katniss wrist. "I'm going to advise you again, to be cautious. I know Peeta seems to be doing alright, but we don't know what might set him off, if anything. We made a deal to protect him, remember?" She nods in assent and he continues. "Right now, I'm asking you to apply that to yourself. Be careful."
"Okay…" she is upset by the intensity at which he spoke. "I'll be careful."
"If anything feels wrong, or off, come right back. You understand me?"
"Yes," she ascerts. His gaze becomes even more ardent. "I understand. If something seems off we'll come right back, I promise." He looks hesitant. "Haymitch. If you're this concerned, why aren't you coming with us?"
"Because if something is wrong," Haymitch grumbles. "I don't want to be forced to do anything to Peeta. If he needs to be knocked unconscious, Gale's the perfect person to do that. He's completely apathetic to the boy. You're in good hands. Mine would hesitate and you need someone that won't."
"How do you know he wouldn't just shoot him?" Katniss folds her arms over her chest in protest.
"I guess I don't," he chuckles. "So you might want to make that aware."
"He shoots Peeta, I shoot him?"
"Sounds good to me," Haymitch's smile widens. "Now get going."
"Okay," she says disembarking from the hovercraft. The sight of the Victors Villiage completely intact throws her for a loop. "Uh," she searches all of the houses for damage and instead finds none. "Nothing was hit here." Gale shakes his head and Katniss steps through the gate. "I wonder why they left our home alone. I'd have thought they would take that out. Show us something specific."
"Maybe," Peeta says slowly stepping beside her. "To show us that we're responsible for this being all that's left." Gale nods and Peeta continues. "You blowing out the arena really messed things up Katniss." The harshness at which he speaks the words throw Katniss for a loop. This is the first time in the past two weeks that he's said anything remotely abrasive.
"That's a bit harsh, Peeta," Gale stares at him in disbelief.
"Am I wrong?" He snaps, taking several steps in the direction of town.
"Don't you want to look at the house?" She points in the direction of their long since abandoned home.
"Not really," he shrugs. "It's just a painful reminder."
"About what?" Katniss looks at him in alarm.
"Whatever life we used to have," he quickens his pace and Katniss and Gale have to jog to catch up to him. The walk to town has never felt longer or harder, in their entire lives. Everywhere they looked they could see burnt skeletons. So many people had died as a result of her shooting the arrow into the force field. So many people…
Tears begin to form in Katniss eyes as they pass where the mayor's home had once been situated, now it was just a pile of ash. Madge. Her only real friend besides Gale for the past several years. She hadn't made it to District 13...probably never even made it out of her house. The decimation of the town was making Katniss nauseous. The farther they walked into the town the more unsettled she became.
Peeta's anger at what they were seeing continued to rise, but it wasn't until his eyes rested on where the bakery had once stood that his back when straight and rigid. "My family didn't make it." His hands ball into fists. "My family burnt down with the rest of the town. My father, who only ever treated me with compassion, and genuinely cared what happened to you, still held a candle to your mother. My horrible mother who had more faith in you winning the Games than me, and was disappointed when I did, who thought I should have died. That you should have just let me die. My idiot older brothers, who only cared for me when they wanted food, or when they needed someone to push around. For all their faults, they were still my family, and they're still all dead."
Slowly, he turns to face Katniss and Gale, who had stopped several feet behind him when his body began to tense up. "This is all your fault!" He spits fiercely at her. "None of this would have happened if you hadn't taken out those berries! I'd be dead, my family wouldn't care, you and your mother and sister would be taken care of for life, and I would be dead!" The intensity placed on the word "dead" was so forceful that it nearly knocked the wind right out of Katniss. "It's all your fault!" He screams and charges in her direction, thrusting her to the ground, knocking her unconscious. Gale leaps forward and punches him so hard that he collapses to the ground beside her.
"Really?!" He shouts to the unconscious Peeta laying at his feet. "And she chose you?" He taps a button in his ear and speaks directly to Haymitch. "Good idea telling her to be cautious."
"He freaked out?" Haymitch asks with a sigh.
"Charged at her and knocked her to the ground," he says matter-of-factly.
"Need help getting them back?"
"Yeah, wanna bring the hovercraft 'round by the bakery?"
"Yeah, we'll be there momentarily," Haymitch disconnects.
"Why couldn't you have just eaten those damn berries?" Gale kicks Peeta's foot. Within a couple of minutes the hovercraft comes to rest beside Gale on the ground and the unconscious Mellark's. "She really has too much faith in him. You should have seen him Haymitch, he just freaked out."
"If your whole family - however horrible - had all been burnt to a crisp, because your wife, and the mother of your child, went against your government, made them look weak, and caused mass genocide to you District; resulting in thousands of death...you're really telling me that wouldn't make you at least a little bit angry with her?" Haymitch's words hold truth, so Gale does not object.
"But he attacked her Haymitch," Gale mumbles.
"At least he waited until she wasn't pregnant anymore," Haymitch says hoisting Peeta over his shoulder and walking him up the ramp to the hovercraft. "He would have done so much more damage under those circumstances, and if he caused her to lose the baby...well, we're all glad that didn't happen, aren't we?"
"I suppose," Gale says under his breath.
"Yes," says Haymitch as he rolls his eyes, "The answer to that question is yes."
Gale picks Katniss up gingerly and walks into the hovercraft. He rests her carefully in the seat beside him. Haymitch sets Peeta in another seating area entirely and makes sure that he is fastened into his chair and cannot get out without extreme force and power of will.
"She trusts in him so blindly," Gale utters finally, after the hovercraft has been in motion for nearly an hour. "She believes so unswervingly in his goodness, in the goodness he used to have, but he's changed and she just refuses to see that. She's always believing that he's in there somewhere, but Haymitch, what if he's not? What if he's just hopelessly lost forever. Is she going to hold a candle to him forever?"
"Gale," Haymitch says with a laugh. "You watched their Games as much as I did. She had his baby. You really think that she would give up on him so utterly and completely, so resolutely that she wouldn't believe in his goodness anymore? He's always been the better of them, the one who would sacrifice a beating for her, who cared for her when no one else would." Haymitch leans forward in his seat and points at Katniss. "The emotions scare her to death, so much so that I'm sure the words have never left her mouth, but she loves that boy. There's an all consuming love there. One that time, famine, Snow, and hell itself cannot completely destroy." Haymitch rests his head back against the chair once again. "She won't say it, Gale. But that doesn't mean the love isn't there. Emotions aren't her thing, they're not my thing, the caring for anyone besides her family always scared her." He laughs heartily, "but that's the thing. Peeta is her family now. They have a daughter. She can love him now, but just because she feels comfortable with the emotions, doesn't mean she's comfortable with the words."
"But why does she love him?" Gale leans forward to stare at the restrained Peeta.
"What is it about him, that I can't compete with? Why did she fall in love with him? She never even spoke to him before their Games."
"Sometimes," says Haymitch, smiling ear to ear. "Sometimes it's not in the loud open spoken moments that we fall in love. Sometimes it's in the little things. The little moments. The knowledge that if you were dying of starvation, they would extend what little they could to give you some food. I didn't pay attention to anyone until they came along Gale, and I still hate people as a whole, and on principle. But there was one thing that came through, as soon as the Quell was announced…never have I seen two individuals more worried about the other than I saw with them. And let's be honest Gale," Haymitch shakes his head in agitation. "You watched the Quell. You saw what I saw. You saw that kiss. You saw that goodbye. You can pretend all you want that she doesn't love him, if it makes you feel better - if it helps you sleep at night - but morning will come, the sun will rise, and she'll love Peeta just as much waking up as she did going to bed."
"It's not fair," Gale grumbles. "I've spent the last several years hunting with her, spending all this one on one time with her. Why couldn't it be me?"
"Because it never was," Haymitch speaks with so much finality that Gale doesn't reply. What would he say anyways?
When they make it back to 13, Peeta is rushed away just as Katniss is waking up. "Wait! Where are you taking him?"
"Away for right now sweetheart," Haymitch explains. "We're taking him away."