After all too long...the long awaited sixteenth chapter... (I hit a rut, thanks for sticking with me.) This chapter is for you, special shout out to Bonnie, Irene, Whitney, and Fran, you're tremendous friends and always welcome critics.

A very very special thank you to tumblr user peetastay for sending me the message that got to me write this chapter...albeit much slower than I intended it to. I can't thank you enough.

Deep in the meadow, under the willow

A bed of grass, a soft green pillow

Lay down your head, and close your eyes

And when they open, the sun will rise

Here's it's safe, here it's warm

Here the daisies guard, you from every harm

Here your dreams are sweet, and tomorrow brings them true

Here is the place, where I love you

Katniss sings, rocking her infant to sleep. Her regrets from the trip to District 12 are so intense that she was finding it hard to breathe, more often than not. It's not that she thought Peeta was back to his usual self, she knew he wasn't, but she didn't think that he was still so very volatile. That fact alone had knocked all the wind out of her lungs. It was her fault, she had no one else to blame. Of course she could blame someone not responsible, but the guilt was all consuming and there was nothing she could say to anyone, and nothing anyone could say to her, that would make that guilt go away or ease the ache in her heart. Peeta had an episode and no one else was responsible for the consequences.

Deep in the meadow

Hidden far away

A cloak of leaves

A moonbeam ray

Forget your woes

And let your troubles lay

And when again it's morning

They'll wash away

Silent tears began to fall from her eyes as her baby sleepily opened her eyes. The blonde hair of her father, impossible to imagine away, the gray eyes of her mother, impossible to not see. Though she knew it wasn't even possible, she felt a sense of judgment from her daughter, perhaps that was all purely because of how completely inadequate she felt, but she wouldn't be surprised if her baby was upset with her as well. Peeta had been refused access to her for the time being and was not taking it very well. His anger at Katniss was astronomical. Katniss couldn't blame him, she had essentially taken away his rights, taken away his one thing that really started to help him heal. He was angry and she agreed he should be, because she would be if the situations had been reversed.

Here it's safe

Here it's warm

Here the daisies guard

You from every harm

And here your dreams are sweet

And tomorrow brings them true

Here is the place where I love you

Lily closed her eyes again and leaned her head against her mother's chest. Katniss couldn't help being struck by the new baby smell that so frequently accompanied her daughter. Katniss never thought that anything besides the meadow - smell wise - would ever have this same debilitating and completely relaxing smell about it. She could sit here forever with her daughter in her arms, but that was unrealistic, there was a war going on and whether she liked it or not she was the symbol. Whether she liked it or not, she had a role to play, even if that role wasn't chosen by her..it had certainly been chosen for her. It all goes back to Rue, to the first Hunger Games, to the song she was now singing to Lily. Her first act of rebellion. Refusing to be a part of their game. Refusing to succumb to the heartless and careless letting go of allies. She had reminded Katniss so much of Prim that she naturally strove to protect her, and she had failed, and now here she stood with someone in her arms who she was more responsible for than herself. Lily was what was important now. Lily was her number one priority. Everyone and everything else simply came after that.

Here is the place where I love you

As the last of the lyrics left Katniss' lips she slowly rose from the rocking chair and placed her daughter into the crib. It would be difficult, she was sure, but she had to get some sleep. Needed a breather, needed rest, especially because she was still so worn out from the trip to District 12. So many gone, so many dead, so many her fault. The guilt of the last several months lain heavily on her heart, and at the thought her time in the Capitol came roaring back to her and she could hear Peeta's screams, his torture. Whether she had liked it or not, and she surely hadn't, she had heard every bit of it, and nothing regarding that was of comfort to her. There's nothing like hearing the person you love, who you've yolked your life to together for as long as you might live - and in this time, who really knew how long that would be - scream in protest about memories, about pieces of himself. Snow had taken the very essence of what and who Peeta was.

Who Peeta was at his core, was someone who cared, even when caring wasn't the most logical or sensible thing to do. If you meant anything to Peeta, you knew it, no false pretenses. He was only ever honest, caring, and good. No one could really think poorly of Peeta. Katniss was sure that, though he disliked him, there was little fault Gale could have found with Peeta, because though he was mostly jealous of him, Peeta had always put her first.

Just as she starts to feel sorry for herself again, Johanna enters the room, immediately glaring at Katniss. Katniss affronted by Johanna's hostility, wiggles uncomfortably. She'd thought they had come to a point where they were - well somewhat - friends. Staring at her Katniss stood from the chair and carefully laid Lily back in her crib. Johanna's face doesn't soften in the slightest. Katniss nods out of the room and Johanna angrily follows her to the hall, Katniss grabbing the monitor on her way.

"What. The. Hell. Were you thinking Katniss?" Johanna screams the second the door shuts behind her. "Taking Peeta to District 12...what exactly did you think was going to happen? That he was so miraculously recovered that the mere sight of his home would snap everything right back into place? That he would suddenly remember everything? JUST because you took him home?"

Katniss stares at her, mute with shock.

"You weren't thinking." Johanna folded her arms across her chest and begins pacing. "That - I can't even begin to describe just how stupid that was. Something you - of all people - should have known. I just can't believe how irresponsible that was. What the fuck, Katniss? In what context was that going to be a good idea?" At this question she stops directly in front of Katniss, so close their noses were almost touching.

"Of course it was stupid!" Katniss bursts into tears and then quickly recovers. "I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what I thought it would accomplish." She sighs heavily and whimpers before continuing, "I just want Peeta back. My Peeta. The one that protected me in the arena." She straightens up, pulls back from Johanna, and leaning against the wall slides down to the floor. "I don't know what I was thinking. I can't justify any of my actions."

"No. You can't."

The two women sit in silence for several minutes, neither looking at each other, and both angry at Katniss. Johanna was sick of hiding her anger with Katniss. Yes, she pitied her and felt bad for her, but she couldn't reconcile her detest with Katniss for subjecting Peeta to what happened in District 12. How she thought it wouldn't end up that way, she had no idea. It had been a stupid move on the part of Katniss, and Johanna wanted to make sure that she knew that.

"Katniss," comes the sing-song voice of Finnick as he slumps down the wall beside her. "We all know what you did was reckless, and ill-conceived, but you thought you might be able to help him...even though it had horrendous results, you did try to help him." He glances around her to Johanna, "and you need to lay off her a bit."

"Why Finnick?" snaps Johanna. "You weren't in the Capitol with us, you don't know what happened there, what we had to listen to, the things that we saw. You can certainly feel for us, but you don't know what it was like."

Finnick shakes his head and continues in a scolding voice, "However honorable the intentions you think you're acting on," he pauses, "making her feel worse than she already does, isn't going to help anyone at all." Johanna leans her head back against the wall. "There's only a handful of us left Johanna. Victors. No one knows what we've been through. We can't go and turn on each other now. We need each other, and we're going to keep needing each other for the rest of our lives, because no one else understands what we've been through." He twists around so he can see them both. "We are all in this together. We have to stick together. This war that we're fighting, ladies, shouldn't be fought with us alone."

"Finnick-" Johanna tries to speak but he waves her off.

"Johanna." She stops talking and hmph's. "We all care about Peeta. None of us like seeing him like this. It's not easy for any of us, especially us, but Katniss is his wife...the mother of his child, she holds the monopoly for pain in this situation. She's at fault here for what happened, but we didn't go, we didn't see his break down ... that's a whole other kind of guilt that we can't understand. We might try, but we'll never understand it, and really there's no reason to try."

"Finnick," Katniss says placing a hand gently over his, "I appreciate everything you're saying...but Johanna is right, this is all my fault. I have no one else to blame."

"I'm not denying your fault in it, Katniss," he nods. "We both - we all - knew it was risky and a bit reckless, but ultimately it was your choice...but on the other hand, did Peeta object? Was he concerned that things might go the other way? Did he think he was recovered enough too? I have to think that if he really thought it would go so horribly that he would have told you no right away. But did he?" Katniss shakes her head. "Did Gale object?" She nods guiltily. "We all objected, but we did nothing to stop it. We're all at fault here, to some extent."

"Well, we all know why you ignored Gale's caution," snaps Johanna. "He hasn't exactly been the embodiment of what a friend is lately. His jealousy of Peeta is stifling. God, and his self-righteousness makes him unbearable. I don't know how you've put up with him all these years, he really is terrible."

Finnick looks at her questioningly. "What was the point of that tirade?"

"Just that I get it. Gale's a dope."

"Unnecessary," replies Finnick, "but okay."

"Well, what did he say when you told him you were going to marry Peeta?" Johanna twists around to face Katniss. "I imagine that he was pretty solidly against it. Ya know, thinking he owned you because you'd been friends for a few years. Thinking that what happened with Peeta in that arena didn't change the dynamic of your friendship forever. That he never really had a shot with you, even before Peeta. That he still doesn't have one now."

"It hasn't been easy, that's for sure." Katniss fiddles with the monitor in her hand and listens to the sound of her sleeping baby. "Things were always good with us...until the arena. Until Peeta. Until I chose Peeta. It's not like I was ever in love with Gale, he was there, we'd been friends for years...being with Gale would have been easy. But-"

"That's not what you wanted," interrupts Johanna. "I mean I can't fault you. Bread boy sure is more appealing. Muscular. Those blue eyes…"

"Is this helping anyone?" drawls Finnick. Shaking his head he makes eye contact with Katniss. "Listen, we all know it was reckless, and we all know that even though we objected, none of us actually stopped you. You can't blame yourself forever, Katniss. I mean I'm not condoning it, but I'm not going to crucify you for it either. We all make mistakes, and sure, poor Peeta has suffered more for your mistakes than anyone else, but it all goes back to the fact that that boy would follow you into a fire, if he meant he wouldn't have to lose you."

"And now he hates me again…"

"Not the point I was going to make...but okay."

"'You are going back in, that is unavoidable, but I'll be damned if you go in there without me.'"

"What?" wonders Johanna. Raising an eyebrow at Katniss. "Back in where?"

"The arena." She inhales and exhales sharply. "Peeta told me that once. He wouldn't let me go in without him, and look at what that did to him. He's been hijacked, I sleep alone, my daughter is kept away from her father. All of this is a mess. Nothing I can do will make any difference. We're far past messed up. Peeta...my Peeta...is gone."

"Katniss," says Finnick slowly, "that was Peeta's choice. He didn't have to volunteer, but he did."

"I think they rigged the Reaping…"

"What makes you say that?" Johanna ponders while crossing her arms. "What do you think they rigged it? Why would they do that?"

"We were the problem, Jo." Katniss shrugs. "We both lived through the first arena because we wouldn't kill each other. We shouldn't have both made it through there, and we wouldn't have made it out if it weren't for Seneca Crane. He got sentimental and we lived. Snow hated us, me especially, because I went against everything in the Games. I allied with Rue, tried to protect her - failed - but tried nonetheless, and then I put flowers around her, to shame them. We're still people, and I wanted to remind them of that fact. And then I wouldn't kill Peeta. It was just the two of us left, and I wouldn't do it. In that respect, I think I did care for him, a great deal more than I fully understood at the time." She gestures around her, "I mean look at this. I'm eighteen. I am married. I have a daughter. I'm this accursed symbol of the rebellion. Everyone is looking to me to lead them, and I'd rather crawl into the past, into my nursery, with Peeta at my side. But that won't ever happen, we're forever changed because of what's happened in our lives. Peeta and I might not even make it out of this war, and then what do we have for our daughter? The Games will never exist again, I won't allow it. I'm not going to give Snow any monopoly over my daughter's future."

"That's a pretty bold statement, Catnip."

Katniss, startled by his voice, jerks her head up. "Gale."

"Peeta's asking for Lily."

She shudders. "Do you think he's up to it? Do you think he'll hurt her?"

"He never did before…" Gale mumbles.

"But do you think he will now?" she wraps her arms more securely around her center.

"Katniss," he shakes his head, "I think if anyone is safe from his anger, it's Lily."

"Why?"

"Because she's the only thing left in his world," he sighs, "that is completely his."

"What exactly do you mean by 'completely his'?" she snaps at him.

"Did he ever question how you felt about me?" There's an air of cockiness in his response.

Katniss, taken aback by the question hesitates before answering, "Well I suppose so, yes." She shrugs. "But I thought we'd gotten past that. I thought he understood that...that it was always him, from the beginning." A look of hurt registers on Gale's face. "Doesn't he know that?" Her eyes pleading. "I thought he knew that…" her shoulders slump and she crumbles against the wall. "He used to know that."

"Well now he doesn't," came Gale's loutish response.

"You know what-" Just as Katniss is about to berate Gale, Lily began crying from inside the room. "Save by the baby." She stands, glaring at him. "Of course she can see him, but I want to hand her to him."

"I don't think that's a good idea…" cautions Gale, reproachfully.

"Gale."

"Katniss."

The two stare at each other until Katniss remembers her screaming baby and spins, darting into the room, Johanna follows.

"Hey brainless," Johanna says remorseful. "Sorry about-" she gestures out the door. "I just-"

"It's okay," Katniss smiles faintly at her as she picks up Lily. "You just said what I was too afraid to say, even though you're right."

"It's not like I want to be right-" Katniss raises her eyebrow, "Well, it's not like I wanted to be right about, this...thing in particular. You guys were the couple. Everyone hated you. You got lucky. Except it wasn't luck. It was sheer stupidity and defiance, and yet you didn't get penalized for it."

"Really?" chastises Katniss, rocking Lily back and forth until she settles. "The whole Quarter Quell thing isn't my fault? Because everyone knows it is. Through no one else's fault. I challenged them and they had to retaliate...we didn't have to, but I went against them, and they were compelled to launch a counterattack on my rebellious ways."

Gale knocks on the door, "want to take her to see Peeta now?"

Katniss nods, "Sure." Pulling the door open she walks out past Gale and Finnick. "Let's do this." Katniss makes a beeline for the hospital and Gale, Finnick, and Johanna, follow closely behind her. Finnick anxious to see how Peeta was doing, and to keep an eye on Katniss. Johanna, to keep an eye on Katniss and Lily. Gale, because even though he knew things were changing for him and Katniss, he still felt compelled to follow, not out of concern - though there was some of that there - but because his jealousy was unrelenting. Even with all the time that had passed, and everything they'd been through, he knew his jealousy was irrelevant, but that didn't stop it.

Reaching the Hospital and the door to Peeta's room, Haymitch steps in front of Katniss. "I know what you're thinking Katniss, and you can't do that. It's not a good idea."

"Haymitch," Katniss snarls at him. "Move."

"I'll go in with her-" Gale starts.

"You cause more problems when you go in there!" Haymitch bellows. "He's already angry and suspicious of you. Why on earth would I send you in there? Or let you in there, for that matter?" His eyes narrow. "Why should I?"

"Protection."

Haymitch guffaws. "I don't approve, but I am curious as to how angry Peeta is going to get at you always being around Katniss and his baby. He doesn't like you, he tolerates you, but he doesn't like you. And you always being around his only remaining family doesn't help any either."

"I don't really care, Haymitch," Gale says shoving the cackling man to the side. Stepping forward Gale shoves the door open. Peeta immediately looks up and his eyes narrow and his face hardens.

"What do you want?" Peeta snaps.

"I come baring gifts," Gale steps aside as Katniss walks in carrying a sleeping Lily.

Peeta perks up and sits anxiously on the edge of the bed. "I can hold her?"

"Of course you can," mutters Katniss as her voice cracks.

"But I think you can understand our caution," Gale turns around and extends his arms to Katniss. "I'll take her to him."

"What?" Katniss and Peeta holler together.

"I'll take her to him," Gale reiterates.

"No," the parents agree resolutely.

"Katniss," says Peeta evenly. "I won't hurt you."

"I know," she mutters. Stepping around Gale she walks straight to Peeta and gently puts the sleeping infant into his arms. Backing up she notices the way that he looks at her and she is overcome with emotions. "I'm sorry Peeta!" She bellows. "Taking you to District 12 was irresponsible and I shouldn't have done it. You're back in here because of a stupid judgment call that I shouldn't have made. I guess I just wanted you to be better so bad that I didn't think the potential consequences through very well."

"Katniss…" Peeta utters softly. "I know you aren't trying to kill me...and if memory serves...I didn't object." He sighs as he looks down at his daughter then back at Katniss. "We made this. She's all ours and no one can take her away from us. We're victors...we've killed people. They wouldn't dare." Gale scoffs. Katniss and Peeta both turn to look at him. "What exactly is your problem, Hawthorne?" Katniss folds her arms over her chest and stares at him along with Peeta. "Jealous much?"

Gale glares back at him, "of course not."

"You're lying," eggs Peeta.

"What gives you the right to say anything? You just attacked her, very recently!"

"And thank you - all -" he glares at the glass that he knows is one way, "for chiding her so much about this. I forgot that we're all human and we all make mistakes. I didn't realize that we would be chastised for every little thing we do wrong."

"You could have killed her!" shouts Gale.

Lily stirs and Peeta shh's her back to sleep. "Gale."

"Peeta."

The two boys full of testosterone and aggression are glaring at each other with such intensity that Katniss is so caught off guard when Peeta offers her a spot next to him on the bed. "I don't want to provoke anything, Peeta. I think maybe I should just stay over here."

"Do you honestly think I would do anything with her in my arms?" he nods down at Lily.

"Well, no," Katniss laments. "No, I don't think you would."

"So please," he pleads, "sit down."

"Katniss…" Gale objects.

The door opens and in waltzes Finnick. Tapping Gale on the shoulder and winking. "Tag. You're out, I'm in."

"What?" Gale spins and glares at him. "Says who?"

"Says me," Haymitch's voice comes from a speaker.

Gale huffs and begrudgingly leaves the room, but not before shooting an angry glance at each person, and a rueful sneer at the baby in Peeta's arms. Muttering vehemently under his breath as the door shuts behind him, "He's living my life. This is supposed to be my life. He loses his mind and she still loves him." Clenching his fists he turns the corner to the observation room and runs right into Haymitch.

"Gale," says Haymitch moaned. "Sooner or later you're going to need to accept this as a fact, and I'm hanging on the sooner rather than the later. We need her in this war, we need her to be every bit of the Mockingjay as they want her to be or she's expendable. Why get upset with her now, if her discontent results in her death. I get that you don't like Peeta, I do. I see how it makes you upset, but come on man, you've known how she's really felt about him since you saw them in that first arena. Sure you hunted together, but your lives were never in danger, and sure you relied on each other to get food, but they relied on each other to live. Did you even know you loved her before Peeta was a contender? Or did Peeta being a contender make you love her?"

"What kind of a question is that?" spews Gale.

"One with merit." The two stand silently unwavering in their resolve to stare one another down.

"Who exactly do you think you are Haymitch?"

"I'm their mentor. Outside of the arena, it is my goal to protect them," he gestures around them. "Inside the arena," he points at the door Gale has just come from, "is to make sure that nothing happens to then there so that they make it back here. Understand what I'm saying?" He shifts his position. "Don't knock what's working for them because it's not working for you."

"Haymitch-"

"No, Gale. No."

"Fine! But if anything happens to her, on your head be it."

Haymitch chuckles, "It's always been on my head, and I think they've done alright. Hijacking and teenage pregnancy aside. They've experienced enough, been through enough, lost enough, that they're relatively experts on the subject." Haymitch spins Gale around and gives him a rough shove. "Now go, before I show you why I'm a Victor too." Gale stalks from the room.

"Harsh," comments Johanna stepping up beside Haymitch. "I fucking love it."