Four days after she woke up, Jay was still spending most of the time asleep. Whenever she awoke, Sarah was there at her side, often accompanied by Carolyn or by Joe. She was still out of it, and her brain couldn't quite get round where she was or what was happening, or why she still felt so awful. But every time she started to get agitated, Sarah was at her side, soothing her, telling her it was all going to be okay.
"Wanna sit up," Jay struggled to enunciate. But she knew that she had had enough of lying still. She wanted to rejoin the conversation, get back into the real world. And if she couldn't get out of this damned bed, she wanted at least to be more upright.
"Okay, honey," Sarah was calm. "The nurses said that would be okay, if you feel up to it. Here," she took the bed controller and pressed a button. She supported Jay carefully as the head of the bed raised up, and settled her once it came to a halt. She looked anguished when Jay tried to move her hand and grimaced in pain. "Try to keep that still, sweetheart," she touched her shoulder gently.
Jay was staring at her hand, a confused look on her face. "Wha's wrong?" she asked. "Broken?"
Sarah's heart sank. She knew that she could delay this moment no longer. She pulled up her chair next to the bed and sat in it, taking Jay's unhurt hand between both of her own. "You got real sick, Jay. Meningitis," even as she said the word, she felt sick. "I thought I might lose you," she whispered, as tears gathered in her eyes.
Jay hated seeing Sarah so upset. She squeezed her hand. "M'okay," she said. "All okay now." She knew her words weren't clear, but she was desperate to offer comfort to her wife.
Sarah kissed her fingers. "I know you're okay. Or at least you will be. You just need to finish healing, and you'll be as good as new."
Jay tried to smile.
"But some things are going to be a little different," Sarah was trying hard to phrase her words carefully. "You were dangerously ill. Your fever was so high. And then," she gulped. "Then, some of your tissue started to die. You had septicaemia. They had to operate, sweetheart," she could see the look of confusion on Jay's face. "It's not life changing. Not really. You're going to be fine. More than fine. But," a solitary tear tracked down her face. "You lost a couple of fingers. And you lost some toes on your right foot too."
"How many?"
"Two fingers. Well, two and a bit. But it's a real small bit."
"Toes?"
"All of them from that foot," Sarah looked deep into her eyes, seeing a lack of comprehension. "Your left foot's fine. And they've put pins in the other one. The doctor says you can learn to walk on it. It'll be pain-free, eventually."
Jay nodded. She looked at her bandaged hand. She lifted it carefully, and turned it around. It was too heavily bandaged to reveal anything to her.
"It was your little finger and ring finger. You'll still be able to grip," Sarah reassured her.
Jay realized something. "My rings?"
Sarah had forgotten. She smiled, and withdrew the leather cord from around her neck. "I've been keeping these for you," she said. She untied the leather cord and released Jay's engagement and wedding rings. "You're just going to have get used to wearing them on your right hand," she slid them on her finger.
Jay stared at her hand, turning the rings to catch the light. "You … want me? Still? Even though..."
"Stop," Sarah's voice was firm. She stood up, and caressed Jay's cheek lovingly. She leant down and kissed her passionately, reveling in the sensations caused by her wife's mouth and tongue. By the time she pulled back, they were both gasping slightly. "You don't get to do this," Sarah said. "I'm not listening to any of your shit. You, Jane Kazinsky, are my wife. My wife. But you are so much more than that. You are my soulmate. You're my reason for … my reason for everything. Nothing makes any sense at all without you. Nothing. You make me laugh. You make me cry. And you turn me on more than you could ever believe. God, I can't wait until I can touch you properly again. And if you think that a few fingers and toes make me feel any differently about you, then you're a damned fool."
"But …," Jay was frustrated as she struggled to speak. "I'm … not the same. I'm not. Can't talk clearly. Can't … out … bed."
"But you will. You'll be out of bed real soon. And we'll get you some physio, and a bit of speech therapy. It's very common, my darling. It's hard for a lot of meningitis patients to talk to start with. But we'll get you better. Together. We're a team. We're the Kazinskys."
"Team," Jay said, pensively.
"The best team in the world," Sarah's voice was softer. "If I've learned anything from all this, Jay, it's that I couldn't survive without you. I love you. More now than ever before."
Jay nodded, her eyes filling with tears.
Sarah made a decision. "Move over," she said.
Jay stared at her, then realized what she wanted. Carefully, she edged across the bed, making sure not to dislodge her IV or jar her foot and hand.
Sarah kicked off her shoes and climbed carefully on to the bed, and her heart filled with joy as Jay snuggled into to her.
"Sor'," Jay said.
"You don't have to be sorry, Jay. You just have to promise me we're going to do this as a team. Together. Always."
"'gether," Jay's energy was sapped.
"Everything together," Sarah kissed her softly. She moved Jay's pajama top gently to one side and slid one hand in, cupping a soft, small breast. Her fingers circled the nipple, and she smiled as it stiffened in her hand. "We'll put your jewelry back in here later," she said, kissing her languidly, smiling as Jay whimpered with pleasure.
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After locking the door at the clinic, Alex had hung her shirt carefully on the back of one of the chairs, so that Olivia could get the full benefit of her new bra. She knew how much Olivia hated the insemination process. She had felt the same way. When they made love at home, where there was no pressure to climax, they could both come again and again in the same night. But here, in this most unromantic of environments, where everyone on the other side of the wall knew what they were doing, it seemed almost impossible.
But Olivia was trying so hard to relax. As Alex worked her center, she could tell that she was a little aroused, though nothing like she was when they were in the privacy of their own home. "Try not to think too much, Liv," Alex said softly, as her talented fingers did their work. "I know this is not ideal. Here," she helped Olivia to sit up a little so that she could hold her in one arm while the other was busy.
Olivia was gasping, trying to let herself go as Alex did everything she could. And Alex had tried so hard to make everything right. She was wearing Olivia's favorite perfume, her hair was loose, and she wore a light make-up, making her look about 19. Olivia let her hand ghost over Alex's breast, whimpered as she felt the soft flesh through the silk material. When her fingers found the hard nub of her nipple, she lost all self-control and pulled desperately at the bra, hauling down Alex's shoulder and freeing one breast. As her mouth closed around the perfect flesh, Olivia moaned.
"Good girl," Alex said encouragingly, her own concentration shot as she felt Olivia's tongue swirl. "There you go. You're so close. Just forget about everything else," she felt rather than heard Olivia moaning into her breast.
Olivia pulled back briefly, panting.
Alex smiled. "And just where do you think you're going?" she teased, as she pulled her back into her, smiling as Olivia latched on once more.
Minutes later, she felt Olivia clenching against her fingers, and then fall into her arms.
"I knew you could do it," Alex said gently. "My clever girl."
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"It hasn't been a week," Abbie tried to keep her voice calm. Caryn's temper was frayed, and the slightest thing set her off. "It's been three days. And you were in no fit state to make love. Well, I didn't want to then. Whatever. Yes, of course tonight. I want you too baby. I'll be home by 7pm. Yes, if you want me to, I'll wear it. Whatever you want baby. But only if you're feeling okay. I don't want you to do anything to keep me happy. Believe me, if you throw up in the middle, it's not going to be fun for either of us. Don't forget, I know how it feels. I've been pregnant too. And I can wait. Or not. I'm in your hands. I love you, CW. I'll see you later."
She looked up, to see Casey grinning at her.
"It's no fun, living with pregnant ladies," Abbie laughed. "I know I was a nightmare too. But another six-and-a-half months of this is going to drive me crazy. Tell me," she poked at her salad, and waved over the waiter. "Fries," she demanded. "I need fries," she gave a winning smile, and the waiter exited smiling. She returned her attention to Casey. "So. What about you? Have you and Charlie ever considered kids?"
Casey's smiled faded. She looked down at her pasta. "It's not … I mean … I know he wants … but," she was furious to find herself tearing up.
Abbie was appalled; she hadn't meant to upset her. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to touch on a sore subject. It's okay. Let's talk about something else."
"Like the weather?" Casey tried to tease.
"If you want. God, Novak, I'm sorry. Ignore me. I just blunder in. Hey, I've just remembered. Caryn keeps telling me to invite you over for dinner. Either on your own and with Charlie. And I have got the most fantastic wine I need to share with somebody, and Caryn's no fun in that department at the moment. I was given a crate after the Biddell case, turns out the victim's father runs a wine estate. Why don't you come over on your own, we can get totaled, and then have a Twister tournament. What do you say?"
"I think that sounds like fun. But … maybe in a couple of weeks? Charlie's going to visit his Mom in Montana weekend after next. It's kinda easier when he's away."
Abbie got out her diary. "Okay, that's it. You're coming over on Friday 18th. Deal?"
"Deal," Casey said, happily.
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"Are you ready for this?" the nurse spoke kindly.
Jay nodded. In truth, she would never be ready to see her disfigured hand, but she knew this was something she had to do – and something she had to get over. Sarah was right, if they swapped places, she would still want Sarah. So now she had a responsibility to make sure that she worked as hard as she could at her recovery – physically and emotionally – so that Sarah didn't have to go through any more pain.
She tried to imagine what it had been like for her wife, when she was lying there, and nobody knew whether she would live or die, and she just couldn't imagine anything more painful to endure. Certainly it was 100 times worse than what she was going through now. So, for Sarah's sake, she would cope.
She looked down as the bandages came off, trying not to wince. She didn't know what she had expected, but somehow her hand still looked like an alien's. Sarah had always loved her hands; she had told her so on countless occasions. She could see Sarah watching her closely, so she forced a small smile onto her face. "Could … be … worse," she spoke slowly. She had discovered that she could enunciate much more clearly if she spoke slowly and carefully. She held up her hand. "I can still flip you the bird," she teased.
Sarah couldn't believe how brave Jay was being. She knew she was tortured by what was happening.
The doctor came in and examined Jay's hand. Neither Jay nor Sarah remembered having seen that doctor before, but there had been so many it was hard to remember. It didn't matter to them. "That's looking good," he said, curtly, nodding at the nurse, before leaving again.
The nurse waited until he had gone, before whispering very quietly to Jay. "We call him Cathy," she confided. "For Chatty Cathy. I don't think anyone's ever heard more than half a sentence from him."
Jay looked at her face, and saw the twinkle of humor in her eyes. She started to laugh. "Chatty … Cathy." The ridiculousness of the situation became apparent to her, and her laughter grew. "Did you hear … S'ah?" she asked. "Chatty Cathy," tears started to roll down her face.
Sarah looked concerned, but then realized that Jay's tears were of laughter. She guessed that her wife was also releasing a huge amount of tension. She started to laugh too. Before long, all three of them were convulsed.
"Good to know you haven't lost your sense of humor," the nurse said, with a smile as she started to re-bandage her hand.
"She'll never lose that," Sarah was wreathed in smiles. It was a small step, but still an important one in Jay's recovery.
Jay smiled at her, and winked. Sarah felt her heart swell, with pleasure and with love.