"Power up the Death Star!"
The technician started flipping buttons in the required sequence. Checking to make sure all lights were go, he turned and gave the thumbs up to the next technician who pulled a series of levers, bringing juice to the massive turbo laser.
Vader knew the Emperor would be pleased. Before the command to fire could be given, however, the lights in the station flickered suddenly before going dark. Someone tripped in the dark and started cursing loudly.
Red emergency lighting lit up a few moments later.
"It's okay! I think we blew a fuse! I'll go chang…urk…."
The technician never finished that statement as Vader shoved his head into a consol before stalking off the bridge.
"Thank you for calling the Death Star technical hotline. Your call is important to us. Please listen carefully as this menu has changed."
For Galactic basic press or say "One." Para español oprima o diga "Dos." For all other languages press or say "Three."
Vader, Sith Lord and commander of the supreme battle station, was not happy. He exhaled a breath through his ventilator, wishing he could smash the hologram in front of him.
I'm sorry. There seems to be static on your line and I did not understand you. For Galactic basic press or say "One." Para español oprima o diga "Dos." For all other languages press or say "Three."
"One."
Thank you for your interest in our service. If this is a true technical emergency, please hang up and dial the number on the upper left-hand corner of your Death Star technical manual. Otherwise, please stay on the line and all calls will be answered in the order in which they were received.
Remember, your call is very important to us, so please stay on the line.
All right, let's get started. For technical assistance for shuttle bay doors, press or say "Two." For technical assistance for the Death Star Super Turbo Laser™, press or say "Three." For Sith Lord forgiveness programs, press or say "Four." For Super Star Destroyer expansion pack technical assistance, press or say "Five." For all other assistance needs, press or say "Six."
I guess...Er...Super laser — three. Three. [3]
I think you said, "Two." Is this correct?
No.
I think you said, "No." Is this correct?
Yes.
O.K., let's try that again. For shuttle bay doors, press or say "Two." For technical assistance for the Death Star Super Turbo Laser™, press or say "Three."
Three.
— of forgiveness —
Three! [3] [3]
— For Super Star Destroyer expansion pack technical assistance, press or say "Five." For all other assistance needs, press or say "Six."
Three.
I think you said, "Three." Is this correct?
Yes. Correct. Yes.
All right, let me see if I can help you. Please say the category of Super turbo laser for which you require technical help. For example, if you are the laser isn't firing at maximum capacity, say "Problem." If the laser color isn't a deep, vibrant green, say "color."
Uh.
I'm sorry. I didn't understand your answer. Please repeat your answer slowly and clearly.
The menu didn't even begin to make sense.
I think you said, "Vengeance." Is this correct?
No.
Good, because Vengeance is mine. Please repeat your answer slowly and clearly.
Prob. Lem.
I think you said, "Problem." Is this correct?
Yes. Correct.
Thank you. Let me connect you to that department.
[Hold music: Pachelbel, "Canon in D" — tenor sax version (Kenny G)]
Please stay on the line. Your prayer is important to us. Your wait time is approximately seven minutes.
[Hold music]
We're sorry you are still on hold. We appreciate your patience and look forward to being of service.
[Hold music]
Thank you for holding. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please state the problem for which you would like help. For example, if you would like help healing someone who is sick, you could say, "Illness." If you would like help in making a woman who barely knows that you exist become interested in you romantically, you could say, "Wingman."
No more menus.
I'm sorry. I didn't understand your answer. Please state the problem for which you would like help.
I want help without having to go through six levels of options.
I think you said you would like help with sexual dysfunction. Is this correct?
No.
I think you said, "No." Is this correct?
Yes.
O.K, please restate your problem. Speak slowly and clearly —
I'm sick of these menus.
I think you said you would like help curing a sickness. Is this correct?
No, no, these menus are driving me crazy.
I think you said you would like help dealing with a mental illness. Is this correct?
No. No, no!
I'm having difficulty understanding the problem for which you are seeking help. Please state your problem slowly and clearly.
My problem is ... I ... forgot why I called.
I think you said you no longer recall your problem. Is this correct?
I guess. I don't know. Yes.
Excellent. We are pleased to have been of service. How else can we provide you with a wonderful day?