When I opened my eyes, I realized I was lying down, clad in one of Bruce's trademark purple shirts. I reached to my side and discovered I was on a couch. I groaned. How did I get here? Please do not tell me that I had another night out on the town with Clint and Tony at a bar. Why am I in Bruce's shirt? Dear God, this could only be bad. "You know, I appreciate the sentiment, Bruce, but I just don't feel that way about you," I muttered, my voice sounding exhausted. I turned my head to the side and saw Bruce sitting on the side table, staring at me. I jolted back into the couch and something fell off my head and landed beside me; a compress. Tony and Pepper were standing behind Bruce and looking at me like I was some sort of a zoo animal. "What the hell is going on?" Then it all came flooding back into my mind. I'd knocked the lamp into the tub and gotten electrocuted and passed out.
"Are you alright?" asked Pepper.
"We didn't wanna take you to the medical facility in case they took you off training for a while and Bruce ran some tests while Pepper got a compress for you," said Tony and I doubted he'd taken a breath in that amount of time.
"I do believe you were worried, Tony," I said.
"He's the one who got you in here," said Bruce.
"I'm never not gonna owe you a debt at this rate due to you saving my life repeatedly." Tony only shrugged.
"What can I say? They don't call me Iron Man for nothing," he responded. Pepper rolled her eyes.
"Seriously, Charlotte, do you feel okay?" she asked. I nodded slowly, sitting up.
"I don't feel any different or anything. In fact, I barely feel woozy," I replied. "It's just like I was sleeping and not knocked out."
"Well, don't stress yourself right now," said Bruce. "I'd feel better about it if we ran a few more tests in the lab upstairs." Bruce wasn't a medical doctor but he was still good at things concerning it so I trusted him.
"Anything you want. You didn't find anything the first time?" He shook his head.
"Pepper noticed that a strand of your hair is completely straight," said Tony. That was odd but things having to do with hair weren't necessarily weird to hear about concerning a shock like the one I had.
"Well, let's go to the labs and get this over with. I need to go to bed." Pepper nodded.
"Just let me know if you need anything," she said.
"Well, now that you mention it-" began Tony.
"Not you." She cut him off before walking down the hallway. Tony moved away from standing over me and walked around a bit.
"Seriously, Charlotte, you are such a klutz. Like you deserve an award mounted on my wall. Biggest Country Klutz, that's you," he said.
"It's real cute how you keep mentioning that I'm Southern, Tony. Real cute," I said, moving to get off the couch. When I stood midway though, my head felt light and I thought I might stumble. Bruce reached for me on instinct and I grabbed his wrist.
Then something flashed in my mind. I was in Calcutta where Natasha had recruited Bruce but I saw through his eyes. I felt it. His animosity, almost curiosity, and his total wariness of her. Then I felt a snap within my mind that felt like genuine anger and I flipped on her. Natasha pulled a gun. I let go of Bruce's wrist with a gasp.
"What is it? Are you alright?" Bruce demanded, his eyes wide. I choked instead of responding. When he moved to touch me again, I moved back. There was some charge in our physical touch. "What's wrong?"
"I saw something," I replied, my voice almost at a whisper. Bruce looked confused but kept his gaze on me.
"What?! Out on the balcony? Should I get my suit?" said Tony. I shook my head.
"I saw something when I touched you," I said, pointing to Bruce. Then my head snapped from the realization of what had happened; I'd seen a memory. When Tony approached, I turned to the both of them and tried to franticly explain it. "You know when in movies or TV shows or something, a character will pick something up or touch someone and have a flashback and they show that. That's what just happened. I touched Bruce and I saw something through his eyes. I think it was a memory." Tony and Bruce looked at each other like they thought I was criminally insane.
"Stranger things have happened," said Tony.
"What did you see?" asked Bruce.
"Natasha pulling a gun on you in Calcutta. But I felt you get angry at her first and when you sort of threatened her, she made like she was going to shoot you," I said. Bruce's face showed recognition at what I said.
"Are you sure you weren't having some kind of waking dream or some sort of side effect from the shock?" Oh God, that's exactly what this was. I got some sort of freaky ability from being electrocuted in ice water. Normally, I would find that strange but I worked with a band of superfreaks regularly.
"Tony, let me touch you," I begged, reaching for him. He made a face but extended his hand toward me and reluctantly, I grabbed it. It was almost immediate. I felt an intense pain in my chest, like where my heart was supposed to be located, and it was dark wherever I was. Suddenly, it was light and I realized I'd had a bag over my head. Then I was staring into a camera with several Middle Eastern mercenaries surrounding me. The pain in my chest pulsed and I let go of Tony with another pounding gasp.
"What was it?" Tony asked, reaching for me again. I shook my head and made a gesture at my chest.
"It was when you were kidnapped and they'd just done this to you." I pointed to my heart. "I felt it."
"We're definitely going to have to do tests on you now," said Bruce.
"Yeah, I completely agree," I said.
"God, the only normal one of us now has some freaky power," said Tony, running his fingers through his hair. "I need a drink."
"Fix me one when I get back," I said, following Bruce out into the hallway. I hesitantly touched the button on the elevator, fully expecting to be whisked away into some fantasy touch memory it had. I sighed when nothing happened.
I rolled the sleeves up on Bruce's shirt and stared over at him on the other side of the elevator. "I'm sure it's nothing. I'm sure it's some small side effect. It didn't hurt you or anything, did it?" he asked. I shrugged.
"I felt Tony's chest hurting and I felt that you were angry. I mean, it was like I was you, but no, now that I know it's not real, there's not pain."
"I can't promise it will go away but maybe these tests will tell me scientifically what happened to you." I nodded before we got off the elevator.
What seemed like hours passed as I went through various machines, most examining my head. Bruce pricked my finger and looked at my cells through a microscope but I doubted that would wield any answers. All the same, I did everything he asked of me. Finally, while the results were finishing, Bruce resorted to asking me questions.
"Do you feel any different? I mean are there potentially more side effects than this one?" he asked. I shook my head.
"Like I said before, I don't even feel like I've been shocked. Maybe I wouldn't notice a difference anyway. It's not like I've been electrocuted before," I responded. He scribbled something on a notepad and I rolled my eyes. It wasn't like I was turning into a supervillain and for all we both knew, those tests would show that my vitals are totally fine.
"And you described the ability as seeing someone's memory when you touched their skin?" I nodded.
"That's the only way I know how to describe it aside from alluding to stuff in movies like I did earlier. It really felt like a flashback and it was totally real. I thought I was there, I thought I was really feeling those things, when in reality, it was you the entire time." He made a noise and took another note while I slouched in my wheely chair.
Bruce got up and found his tablet that allowed him to look at my final test results. The tablets Tony had were simply ingenious and I was wondering when he'd give me one. "To be quite honest, Charlotte, it could've been worse." He stared down at the high tech (and see-through) tablet. "There are all sorts of things that can result from electrocution, most notably, death but you've escaped without any sort of scar. The only thing abnormal about you physically is the strand of hair Pepper noticed."
"I thought stuff with hair was fairly normal with a shock like the one I had. Don't some people have a strand go totally white?" He nodded.
"Really, you've been lucky." I scoffed. If there was one thing on Earth I wasn't, it was lucky. "And the test results are showing your vitals as normal. Nothing's wrong with your brain, nothing with any of your organs as far as I can tell which is great news. But there's one bad thing about that; now we have no clue how you got this memory thing. If I don't have some result of it, I can't study it and if you're burdened with something that happens every time you have physical contact…" I got the drift. I could tell by the look in Bruce's eyes that he felt sorry that he couldn't help me. I was sorry too. But he was right; this wasn't the worst that could've come of it.
"At least it's not something that would totally impair me." He nodded.
"You're right and I can work with you on exercising it. For all we know, it may go away on it's own. Things that happen like this are very temperamental. My best guess is that isn't permanent. But I promise you that I will do all the research on it that I can. You can't be the only case of something like this. But if you are, there's no reason it can't work."
"I know that I'm not the only one with something weird," I said. "Honestly, what's happened to me isn't even a blip on the radar of weird concerning some people in the files that I've read." That was very true and I wasn't just saying it to make myself feel better. S.H.I.E.L.D. had come into contact with more odd people than just the Avengers and their respective counterparts.
"Good. And look, this might be an entirely strange idea but hear me out. You once talked to me about the other guy, the Hulk, and you explained that he is sort of an enhancement of me and that he's a part of my personality." I nodded. "What if this is just an enhancement of you?" I raised my eyebrows. "You were always great at figuring people out, at getting into their heads. That was your job." I still wasn't quite catching on. "This new ability for you means you literally get to be inside someone's head and see something through their eyes. You told me you feel what they were feeling. The shock took something you were already good at and made you an expert." I wasn't sure how to react.
"I'm sorry, because that was a wonderful explanation and all, but where exactly are you getting this from, Bruce?" He shrugged.
"It's mostly just some crackpot theory that popped into my head while you were letting me test you. It's only verified by the fact that your test results didn't show anything abnormal. It's all in your head. It's not physical." I made my hand cover my mouth while I thought about it. He very well may have a point. "And you're not exactly freaking out about it anymore. It's like you're already used to it." I nodded.
"You could be right. I mean, that really makes sense."
"And if it was simply an enhancer, other abilities you had may increase." He smiled at me knowingly and I grinned back. I was already good at sneaking around and good with my knives; if those abilities were increased, I may as well start running S.H.I.E.L.D. "This gift of seeing memories could really help you in your job. You may be able to find out if someone is good or bad, whether you can trust them. It's a good trait."
"So you think I should be happy about this?" I asked. I was but I felt like I needed validation. Even though it would be hard to adjust to, I was incredibly adaptable. When Loki had chopped my hair off, I'd barely blinked.
"I think it evens out the playing field for you." He was right about that too. Along with the training I'd been doing, I was almost on the same level as Clint and that was something to be proud of. But it also reminded me of what I was doing tomorrow.
"Thank you so much for this, Bruce, but while I've got you here, there's something I've gotta tell you." He leaned back in his chair, waiting curiously. "Do you remember the Winter Soldier?" He looked as shocked as I had been. "He's been staying in Brooklyn and tomorrow I have to try to recruit him to S.H.I.E.L.D. He's been avoiding service ever since they found Steve in the ice and even Natasha couldn't convince him to come in." That caught his attention.
"Natasha couldn't convince the guy to come in? He must be crazy."
"I don't know that he's crazy so much as he's done bad things while he was working for the Russians. I'm gonna have to be mean about it."
"From what I heard about your interrogation of Loki, you do manipulating well. If you could fool that guy for even a few seconds, you'll have no problem convincing the Winter Soldier." I certainly hoped he was right.
Bruce and I returned to the apartment, Bruce clutching a tablet so that he could do more research for me. I sat at the bar, staring at my hands like they weren't even a part of my body anymore. I downed the glass of scotch that Tony had poured for me and immediately felt the burn. "I called Coulson while you two were in the labs because I have a couple of new designs for your knives that they should have done in time for your assignment tomorrow," said Tony. I looked over at him hesitantly.
"You got me new ones? What's wrong with the ones you already made?" I asked, staring at my hands again. They started shaking involuntarily and I moved them under the bar.
"You can never have too many," he said with a wink. "Besides, I made these a little more your style with Bruce's help." A little more my style? I raised my eyebrows. "Just wait and see. I'm sure you'll be pleased with them." I didn't doubt I would be. Tony had made some impressive products for S.H.I.E.L.D. lately.
Bruce spoke from over on the couch. "I've been doing more research on this, Charlotte, and I think it's temporary. A lot of odd things occur after electrocution but not many last longer than a few weeks. If it's something you want to take advantage of, use it quickly."
I breathed a sigh of relief. Even if I could learn to control something like that, chances were it would still obstruct me. I didn't want it to take over my life. There was something refreshing about being the only regular human in a group of superheroes. But if this was temporary, I probably should use it while I could. I could touch Bucky's hand by accident tomorrow and see something that happened while he was brainwashed. That was actually terrifying to think about. I would be seeing something that could be intensely personal. What if I saw something like someone having sex or someone brutally killing another? I couldn't play that off at all.
The ringing of my phone jolted me out of my thoughts. "Who the hell is calling me right now?" I asked. Tony shrugged. It was midnight. I sure hoped it wasn't my mom with another horror story from the news. I didn't recognize the number but I answered anyway. "Hello?"
"Charlotte?" My breath sucked in and I started grinning. I would recognize that voice anywhere.
"Steve! Oh gosh, how are you?" Tony made a kissing face at me and I flipped him off.
"I'm fine. How are you?"
"I'm really great now. Gosh, it's been such a long time since I've heard from you. When are you coming home?" I saw Tony teasing me from across the room but I didn't care.
"Two weeks from today," he responded. I put my hand over my mouth. Two weeks wasn't a long time at all.
"I can't wait. You better not go on another assignment before I get to see you." I was actually jittery with excitement. My hands were shaking.
"I won't, I promise. I miss you." I covered my face with my hand again and my happiness was palpable.
"I miss you too." Tony groaned.
"Cheeeeeesy," he said from across the room. Bruce smacked him on the arm.
"I can't talk for long," Steve said, sort of regretfully.
"Where are you this time? Or can you not tell me?" I asked. I heard him make a noise on the other end of the line.
"It's better you don't know. I'm sorry." I shook my head like he could see.
"It doesn't matter. But hey, I've got something really important to talk to you about when you get back. I doubt I'll forget but nevertheless, remind me. It's really important." Bucky was what I needed to talk to him about and this hand ability if that wasn't gone by that time.
"Uh, could you give me a hint?" I could almost sense how nervous he was through the phone.
"If I hinted, it would be totally clear so no. Don't worry about it. It's good or at least, I think you'll think it is." He gave me a laugh.
"Are you sure about that?" I laughed back.
"I'm just making it worse. I'm sorry."
"Well, I wanted to talk to you too." My heart felt like it stopped.
"About what?"
"Just remind me." I could almost hear him smirking at me. Two could play this game.
"What about a hint?"
"It would be totally clear so no. But it's good or at least, I think it is." He tried to say the entire thing like I had and I laughed at him.
"Cute. But I'll let you go. I know how these connections get sometimes." A lot of the time the connection would drop out before we'd even gotten halfway into a conversation. It's why I didn't bother anymore.
"Alright but I'll see you soon and I miss you." My heart pounded unnaturally.
"Yeah, I miss you too." I hung up the phone slowly. I rubbed my hands over my face like I needed to keep myself from falling asleep. This had been an incredibly surreal night. I hadn't counted on talking to Steve anytime soon, let alone that he'd be coming back so soon. I felt like doing jumping jacks.
"How is the star spangled man?" asked Tony slyly. I rolled my eyes.
"He said he was fine and that he would be here two weeks from today." I couldn't keep a smile off my face. Tony faked a gag.
"Mark your calendars. We have two weeks before you're suckered into going dancing and awkward dates. It's been great having you single, Charlotte. God, I'll miss you." I laughed.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Don't even lie to me. You're ecstatic about seeing Steve and talking to him. To be honest, I'm excited to watch the train wreck that will be him trying to date you. Gosh, can you imagine? It will be so awkward." I opened my mouth in some kind of shock but I laughed anyway.
"You're terrible." I actually hadn't even begun to think about dating Steve. Wow, that was weird. I hadn't begun to think about how I should start approaching things with him. Thor and Steve both had told me that I needed time on my own to get in my head and understand my feelings. By now, I should have a decision but of course, I didn't. I blocked all thoughts of anything romantic at all. I tried to forget about Loki altogether. If I thought of Steve, it was in a friendly context. Mostly, I was just worried about him being out on missions by himself. Going out on dates, kissing someone, going dancing, none of it had vaguely crossed my mind in three months. I had been brokenhearted and throwing myself into training but there was a huge difference between that and thinking about wanting to be with somebody romantically. Hell, hadn't I been lectured early on that letting emotions get in the way of my job was dangerous? I couldn't think of all the possibilities right now. I'd let myself decide when the time came and I was actually talking to Steve.
"You've got a meeting with that therapist in the morning, by the way," said Tony. My eyes widened. Shit, I had totally forgotten about that. In order to become a field agent at S.H.I.E.L.D., there were several things I had to agree to do; a skydiving class and going to a therapy session once a week were only a couple of them. The therapist had talked with just about all of the agents that I had been in contact with, aside from Steve who had been gone during the course of my training. Even Tony had consented to talking to the guy about me and our time in the field. The therapist may be what I consider a total quack but he seriously enjoyed talking to me. I was probably his favorite case.
"I really don't have the time to talk to him about my 'feelings' tomorrow morning. I have to get ready to go to Bucky's." Or where he was squatting. The house in Brooklyn where he was staying wasn't leased to him.
"You cancelled on him last week and you tried to get out of it the week before. Don't you think he's noticed?" I shrugged. I didn't really care whether he'd noticed.
The first couple of sessions had only been bad because of my mindset at the time, which was just plain depressing. I missed Loki, I missed Steve, I missed Thor, and the therapist had capitalized on it by wanting me to relive certain memories in the field. Coulson had told me that the doctor's job was just to gauge certain behavior and in the end, his input would be vital in what kinds of assignments I got. I bitched about going there to Darcy and Jane constantly. Recently was when I'd decided I didn't want to put up with it period because he had decided that now was the time to start talking to me about actual emotions and how I felt during fights. I knew he wanted a real discussion on my love life. Loki was intriguing and terrifying to the man and I didn't blame him for finding him that way but I didn't like talking about my time with Loki with anyone, let alone someone who had the power to certify someone as insane.
"He wants me to talk about how conflicted I felt when ya'll took down Loki. Last time I was there, he asked whether I was mad at Bruce for hurting him. He asks the stupidest questions sometimes. I honestly don't know how the man got his doctorate," I responded.
"I have to start seeing him next week," said Bruce. My mouth dropped open a little.
"Really? What the hell for?" Bruce shrugged.
"Same reason as you, I guess. They just want to talk to me about control. Everyone seems to still handle me with kid gloves aside from the two of you and Clint." He had really freaked out Natasha when Loki had broken out of the facility and Steve was wary of him only because he thought he should be. Thor and the Hulk had some sort of rivalry but Thor wasn't around and Bruce didn't want to set me off.
"You handle me with kid gloves, Bruce. So do a lot of people," I said. Tony shrugged. "I know both of you are worried that I'm going to lose it."
"Charlotte, you have been so depressing to be around sometimes," moaned Tony. "It's like it puts you out to be happy. You throw yourself into physical training, you don't wanna talk about anything, how are we supposed to not be worried that you'll snap?" Bruce nodded in agreement.
"It's been rough," I responded, coming off tartly.
"And that's exactly why you need a therapist. What the hell is so hard about talking? The man is under jurisdiction to not say anything you say in his office." I leaned onto the bar.
"They're worried about me losing control is what it is. If that's the case, why don't they lecture me and be done with it? It's exhausting to rant to a therapist about memories of fighting over and over. I don't want to talk about Loki with anyone, let alone someone who works for S.H.I.E.L.D."
"And there we have it! You still don't trust S.H.I.E.L.D. Why didn't you just say so? It's not like they fully trust you either." I raised my eyebrows. "It's for the same reason they send you to a therapist; they're worried about control issues."
"Well, what exactly does that mean, 'control issues?' No offense, Bruce, but it's not like I turn into a rage monster."
"None taken," Bruce responded monotonously.
"Like I said, you've been a mood killer and they've responded to it," said Tony.
"I'm getting seriously tired of you calling me that," I said, even though it was totally true. I sucked fun out of every event. Without Steve or Thor around, I felt messy around the Avengers, like I didn't belong. That was strange on it's own because Clint and Tony had always been my friends and now I was close to Bruce. Natasha had helped train me. I would consider every one of them my friends. But it was tough knowing that I may never see Loki again, that I may not get to see Thor for years. For the most part, both of those things had sunk in for me. It had happened slowly and over time and yes, I did throw myself into training to get my mind off of it but training was far more efficient than laying in bed and crying over it. I couldn't change the fact that they were in Asgard. But I did sincerely hope that being around Steve again would change my attitude.
"It's like you don't have any emotions at all except when Steve calls you." I closed my eyes and breathed out. Was he being serious? "I'm just saying it's weird when you used to wear your heart on your sleeve and talk to Clint about what you should do romantically. Bruce and I would totally be here for you." Bruce nodded.
"We're just wondering whether you've accepted it yet," said Bruce. I made a face.
"Of course I've accepted it. There's nothing I can do to change anything," I said. "I don't know that I would change anything even if I could. I know that it had to happen, that they had to leave and that Steve has to go on missions. I know I have to go on missions now. It's not happily ever after for me and I understand that."
"I don't think you can fully accept it until you talk about it and if you won't talk about it with us, the least you could do is help S.H.I.E.L.D. out and actually speak to the therapist." Bruce did have a point but that didn't mean it would be easy for me. Talking about things that happened before three months ago made me want to be sick. But Bruce was right. It might actually be therapeutic and it might force me to look forward to these meetings.
"If I promise I'll talk about it tomorrow, will the two of you get off my back?" Tony threw his hands up in the air as if in a fake standoff and Bruce only nodded again.
As I got up to finally get some sleep, Tony stopped me. "Although in your heart-to-heart tomorrow, you probably won't wanna mention your new mutant ability." I shook my head at him. I wasn't crazy.
"There's no point if it's temporary. I'll make a point to tell them if I find out something that I can't explain any other way."
"Get some rest then. Sounds like you have a long day tomorrow." I shrugged. He didn't know the half of it. I wondered if Bruce had filled him in on Bucky's history. I felt sick knowing I had kept him and his file a secret from Steve for this long. At least, if I did recruit Bucky, there would be no reason not to tell Steve when he got back in a couple of weeks. Maybe I could brace Bucky for everything and it could be sanctioned without Bruce and I having to say we'd known for a long time. It wasn't fair that we'd known at all. The Winter Soldier had been in the back of my mind since I'd glimpsed the name in the back of the file cabinet.
I slouched into my Iron Man colored sheets and leaned my head against the pillow. Maybe this ability wouldn't distract me at all. I mean, how many times a day does a normal person have physical contact with another? I'm not in a romantic relationship, I barely even hug my friends. The fact of the matter was, I could avoid using it until it was null. Either it would be gone completely or the lack of use would lessen it's strength. I was inclined to believe Bruce in that it was short-term. Things like this happened all the time in movies and for exactly the reasons Bruce said; the power seems to be an extension of what I'm already good at. It could be here to make me learn about myself.
When I turned the light out, the brightness of the red sheets dulled and I pulled the covers over my head. Sleep hadn't been easy for me since the last Chitauri fight. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to get comfortable but mostly, my mind ran amuck. Things would flashback in my head the way people's memories now seemed to do when I touched them. I would remember being on the balcony (which wasn't even that far from my room) and Loki grabbing me when I went through the glass fence. Then I would jolt and feel the way I felt when Steve and I finally kissed each other. I couldn't sleep for being so swarmed with memories. And then if I was so tired, I finally slipped into some semblance of sleep, I would dream about them. Sometimes it would be nice, like Thor and Tony and I watching some movie. But more likely as not, they were almost nightmarish quality and they would involve Loki and Steve.
I shook my head to make myself stop remembering those. It wouldn't do to have them in my head before I went to sleep. Like everything else, my sleep schedule had started going back to normal. Now sometimes, I wouldn't have a dream at all.
When I closed my eyes, it was almost immediate. The next thing I knew, I was rolling over and noticing a lump in my bed; a lump curiously the size of a man. I didn't say anything but rubbed my face with my hand and tried to sit up. My head felt heavier so I ran my hands through my hair and found that it was long again. When I looked down, I noticed the sheets had changed color and turned a deep green. When I looked over at the lump again, it moved. I wasn't frightened or even shocked at this point; the sheets turning color had proved that this was a dream.
I was even less surprised when I saw a tuft of dark hair poke out of the covers. I sunk back down into the bed and closed my eyes. This was a normal dream and one I was relatively familiar with. I would lay in bed here for a little while then Loki would speak to me and eventually Steve would enter the room and they'd take turns trying to convince me to stay away from the other. I practically had both of their arguments memorized. It was thinking about what they said in my waking hours that got hard.
My eyes opened when I felt the bed move against me and I saw Loki stretching his pale arms out around him. Did he really used to look like that? Was he really that lanky? My brain fuzzed out the image of the rest of the room and I pressed my face into my pillow after staring at Loki's tousled hair. He looked like he'd been out in the wind somewhere.
His arm crossed over me and tugged at my body so I moved and grabbed his hand. His skin was a normal cool temperature, wonderful to feel in the humid night air of summer. His skin relayed some memory of the two of us in the grocery store in Puente Antiquo and I started smiling. He did too and I moved closer to him, wrapping my arms around him, touching the bare skin on his back. I grinned as the memory that flashed to me then was one where he had pushed me against the wall and started kissing me furiously. So the ability had transferred into dream world?
"I need your help," he whispered, as he methodically pushed his head into the nape of my neck and the memories stopped flashing at this contact.
"With what?" I breathed.
"I need you to help me." His hands had moved to cupping my face and I only nodded at him. Help him with what? This wasn't even real.
He smiled one of those mischievous smiles that I had loved so much about him. He touched my long hair and looked at it with some sort of lust before bending down and kissing me. He moved from my mouth to my collarbone to between my breasts and onto my stomach. Had I been naked the entire time?
My hands curled on the skin of his back and then I heard something. My eyes closed and opened fast and once they were opened, I noticed my hands were only gripping the pillow beside me. My hair was short again and the sheets were back to the regular red. I turned my head and saw Tony standing in the doorframe.
"It's time for you to get a move on," he said. "You have an appointment with Dr. Chandler in an hour. I made you a mimosa!" Slowly, I nodded and I pushed myself out of bed. I had almost had a sex dream. I was half glad that Tony had woken me up and half angry.
My hair was sticking out on all sides and I decided I needed the mimosa before trying to take a brush to it. Tony handed it to me and another Poptart, even though the combination seemed abysmal, before I followed him out onto the balcony. When it had been remodeled, Pepper had convinced Tony to get some furniture out there. Now Bruce and I could lay out and tan and read magazines with each other like a couple of girlfriends.
I took a seat on a lounge chair, still in my pajamas, which were Iron Man themed today, and took a long sip of the mimosa. If there was one thing Tony truly shone at, it was making drinks. I took a bite out of the Poptart and tried not to look so glum. At least, the day appeared like it wouldn't be so hot. It might even storm later on.
"You said you had new knives for me today?" I asked Tony. He nodded from a chair on the other side of the balcony. His skin looked tan in the early morning sun.
"They're waiting for you at headquarters. They're awesome, hopefully more fitted to you than the earlier prototypes were. Bruce actually gave me a few ideas concerning them. Each one is unique and then you have a set of regular ones. But they all have a green stone in the hilt. I thought it would make them more your signature," he responded.
"They sound great. Hopefully, I won't have to use them this afternoon." But I knew that I'd have to. It didn't sound like Bucky was really into the idea of working with S.H.I.E.L.D. and if Natasha couldn't convince him, I had to fall back on something. They'd said that violence wouldn't work though. But with the blades (and I had several different kinds), I could certainly show him that I was worth talking to.
"Don't be afraid to use them. And Happy is ready when you are." I rolled my eyes. He was having Happy drive me again. This was ridiculous.
I got up and walked over to him, curious. "I wanna see if I've still got this thing. Let me touch you." Tony held out his hand and I took it, immediately falling into being in the Iron Man suit and flying over New York, telling Pepper to turn on the lights at Stark Tower. I let go. "It's still there."
I went inside and got dressed in a burgundy tank top and jeans, pulling on combat boots. Who cares if it was summer? I might need to run and these were reliable shoes. I grabbed my huge purse and walked out, locking the door to the apartment behind me. I arrived at headquarters in a matter of minutes, shrugging out of the backseat of an ambiguous black car. I gave Happy my thanks and walked inside, sliding my ID card to get me access into the building. I nodded at Agent Hill before turning down a hallway and entering a holding room that served as Dr. Chandler's office at S.H.I.E.L.D. He had begun to make the place look a little homier but it was still a holding room.
"Nice changes, Doc. The new table looks awesome," I said as I sat in front of his desk. Dr. Chandler nodded at me and almost gave me a smile. He was really a nervous wreck around me or maybe he was excited, what did I know? He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and got out a notepad. "Bruce said he's gonna start seeing you next week."
"Indeed he is," the therapist responded. He had a clipped accent that I could never quite place. "Director Fury seemed to think he'd benefit from a few meetings, much like you have." I almost openly rolled my eyes. "Don't make faces, Ms. Kent. I know you hate it and I'm sorry that you do. These meetings are meant to help you feel better, help you get back on your feet as it were."
"Well, seeing as I hadn't quite been knocked down, I'm curious as to how this is supposed to put me back on my feet. What's helped me the most is being on my own. I have helped myself more than anything else has."
"You knew these conditions when you signed on for a field agent position, Ms. Kent. This is one of the requirements for you. It's meant to be therapeutic, it's meant to help you and everyone around you. Are you trying to tell me that Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner haven't been of help to you?" I grimaced. That's not what I was saying at all. I watched as Dr. Chandler braced himself to start writing maniacally on that notepad.
"I'm close to Tony and Bruce and yes, they have helped distract me but it's not like I talk to them about what's going on." He scribbled something down even though I couldn't fathom what he'd gotten out of that sentence.
"Do you talk to anyone about the way you've been feeling?" I shook my head. "Why is that, Ms. Kent? You have several avenues regarding that. You have your friends on the team, you have an ally in myself, you are surrounded by people who care. Why don't you want to talk?" I smiled grimly.
"I know they care but I just don't feel like talking about stuff like that anymore."
"Talking about your emotions can only serve to better you, Ms. Kent. You're rolling your eyes but you know it's true. Talking it out can only make you feel better."
"Well, if you're so curious, why don't you ask some questions?" My voice sounded bland, the way it usually did nowadays, and Dr. Chandler almost seemed frightened of me.
"Have you heard from Captain Rogers lately?" That wasn't a new question. He asked it nearly every week and when I hadn't heard from Steve, it only made me more depressed that I hadn't.
"Last night before I went to bed as a matter of fact." He nodded, wanting me to go on. "He'll be home in two weeks. I'm… excited." I almost couldn't keep a smile from crawling onto my face. The shrink noticed it, writing fast.
"As I understand it, your mission today somewhat involves him. How do you feel about that?"
"Guilty," I said. It was the first word that came to mind. "It has to do with a friend he's thought dead for a long time. In fact, I think for a while he blamed himself for the guy's death. I feel bad that I've known for a long time and never told him. But when he gets back, there'll be no reason to keep it a secret anymore."
"And you're happy for them to reunite?"
"If they're both up for it, of course. I can imagine how good it would feel."
"Because you've been there?"
"Because I've imagined seeing Thor again and I know it would be wonderful." It was out before I'd thought about it and I saw him write something down.
"You miss Thor?"
"All the time," I responded, feeling a weight on my chest. It made my heart hurt to think about it.
"This causes you a great deal of pain." It wasn't a question so I only nodded.
"It could be years before I see him again and that's very hard to accept."
"And Loki? Do you miss him as well?" My hands started shaking uncontrollably at the mention of his name and I knew the therapist noticed. He'd been informed of that tic. My mind reminded me of the dream I'd had that Tony had interrupted and I felt my face flush.
"It doesn't do to dwell on things I can't change and shouldn't change. I'll never see Loki again and I've accepted it." I said it after I'd finally gained some presence of mind again.
"It makes you angry." Dr. Chandler had said that so calmly that I clasped my hands together. Again, it wasn't a question but this one I had to think on.
"Not in so many words," I responded, my voice almost a whisper. His eyes seemed to light up. He was getting me to talk, which was all he'd ever wanted.
"Were you angry at Loki before he left?" I nodded.
"I was angry at him a lot. He was mean and vicious and I thought he'd threatened Steve's life one too many times." I'd never said that aloud or even really to myself.
"But still, you went out of your way to protect him when he had done these terrible things. What good did that serve you other than to get you in trouble?" I shook my head. He didn't understand. No one could. Even if I explained everything, no one would understand the way I felt for Loki. It was an otherworldly connection I had with him. We understood each other and for Loki, that was really unusual.
"I loved him, Doc," I said. It came off dry and sultry but most of all it came off honest. "Everyone here judges him harshly and hates him for things that could've been prevented. He was put in a bad situation and reacted the way we all say we wouldn't but what do we know? We've never really been there. He's kind of the perfect character study in what happens when someone grows up in the shadow of greatness. Thwarted ambition is a great motivator, Doc. If I had been in Loki's shoes, chances are I would've acted very similarly." He had stared at me the whole time as if mesmerized by the way I looked but I knew that wasn't what it was. His eyes were wide with wonder and I instinctively knew he was scared of me. "I think what S.H.I.E.L.D. and everyone else on this close minded planet needs to realize is that Asgardians are no different than we are. Sure, they heal faster and are more gifted fighters but they feel the way we do, maybe even more intensely."
"Loki was no Asgardian." It was the only sentence my therapist had offered up in a while and I flinched the minute he said it. My lips clenched together tightly. "He was a monster, Ms. Kent… and he got what he deserved."
"People like you are the reason the Chitauri invasion happened at all. You're so quick to judge him and me that you don't give either of us a chance. Why don't you tell me something, Dr. Chandler? Did you believe I should've been locked up after those events? Are you scared that I'll turn on everyone?" He made a face that confirmed it. I only smiled at him. "Why?"
"Ms. Kent, you're my patient-"
"And I'm patiently waiting." I smiled again.
"You broke several laws, Ms. Kent. You were dangerous and now you're even more so. Your attitude went from being a normal, happy one to this state of depression you're in now. You stopped talking about any sort of emotion. I'm not sure you feel anything other than pain or betrayal. Believe me, I am not the only one who is worried about you."
"Is that why we have these meetings?" I asked dryly. "People are upset that I don't talk about my feelings anymore, that I don't act like a sap anymore. You think I'm heartless now."
"Ms. Kent," he began calmly, "those who are heartless, once cared too much. You and Loki have an incredible amount in common, especially now." I gave him a laugh.
"You think by studying me you can find a way into his head? Good luck." I got up out of the chair and moved to leave the makeshift office but I paused when I heard his voice.
"You took it personally when I called Loki a monster. That says a lot about you but that's not what I want to say. I wasn't talking about what he is scientifically. Wounds create monsters and you are wounded, Ms. Kent, much in the way he was."
Okay, so yes, the power is totally temporary so don't get weirded out by it. I actually had a dream about doing it and it worked out well so hopefully, it will in here too. It will just be interesting. Sorry for the long wait on this as well. I tried to divide up events accordingly but it just ended up being a longer wait. But I can promise you that you will see Bucky in the next chapter and a familiar face.