"I won't do it," Amy's voice was weak but determined. "I won't. I can't."
"There must be another way," Robyn took her hand and held it.
"I do think that you need to deal with this urgently, and a week at the unit would offer you the intensive therapy that could help. There's something in your past, Amy, I think we all know that now. But you're resisting the memories."
"I'd have to stay?"
Dr Baker nodded.
"On my own? Without Rob?" Amy's breathing quickened, and she could feel the panic rising.
"That's right. I think daily therapy may help you to break through this barrier you've built up."
"No," Amy gasped, feeling light-headed. "I can't. It's too much. Without Rob...," she tried to force more air into her lungs.
"How about a compromise?" Robyn rubbed her back. "How about we come in every day. Here? Could you see us?"
Dr Baker looked doubtful. "I could make the time for you. But the residential facility..."
"We'll try the therapy first," Robyn said firmly. "If that doesn't help, we'll think about it, huh sweetheart?" she squeezed Amy's fingers.
Amy nodded, her panic receding a little as she realized she didn't have to be apart from her beloved girlfriend. She knew she was fucked up, she knew that she desperately needed help. But Robyn was the only thing grounding her, helping her keep her feet on the ground, even tenuously. Without her, she'd be floundering.
Dr Baker smiled. Amy had a huge mountain to climb, but at least she wasn't on her own. Her spiky girlfriend would be by her side every step of the way. She reached for her diary. "I'm pretty full the next couple of weeks. But I can make room for you after the clinic closes. Can you make 6pm, every day for the next fortnight?"
"We'll be there," Robyn answered for them both.
Dr Baker nodded. "I want to try some more hypnotherapy, along with some memory exercises. It's going to be tough on you, Amy, but you have to remember you're safe here. And it will help, in the end, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. And you're going to have to start taking the medication; I don't think there's a choice any longer."
Robyn supported Amy, and held her close as they waited for a cab. "You need to sit?" she asked her gently.
"M'okay," Amy was grateful for Robyn's strong arm around her waist.
Twenty minutes later, Amy was on the couch, a warm blanket around her, and her head in Robyn's lap. "I'm so sorry," she said weakly. "This isn't fair on you."
Robyn ran her hand through her brunette locks, her touch light and loving. "We'll get there," she said softly. "Together. And I'm not going anywhere. I know it's awful," she rubbed Amy's back lovingly. "I think she's right. Baker. You're coping with something awful, and the attack in the office has brought it all to the surface."
"Why can't I remember?" Amy's voice cracked. "Why am I so dumb?"
"You're not dumb. You've been protecting yourself for years. But it's not healthy to live like that. You'll get through this, and you'll be stronger once you've been able to face up to anything. And then," she smiled, "and then, we can start to enjoy ourselves. We've got our whole lives together, baby. Think of all the things we can do. Places we can go. Together."
"I'm still not gonna go skydiving," Amy forced herself to try and lighten the conversation. "I don't care what you say."
Robyn let out a small laugh.
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"You don't have to do this," Wheels said to Casey.
"I said that I would. I promised you I would," Casey sounded tense. "God, it's only the market. I don't know why I'm making such a fuss. I've been to the market a million times."
"But you haven't been out alone since...," Wheels tried to be tactful.
"Since that bastard raped me," Casey spat. She saw Wheels start almost imperceptibly. "Oh God, I'm sorry. What am I thinking? I shouldn't snap at you. I know you only want the best for me."
"I don't want you to do this for me," Wheels said. "You don't have to answer to me. I want this apartment to be somewhere you feel safe, not somewhere where you are forced to do things. I want you to be able to relax here."
"I love it here," Casey put her arms around her friend. "This is my haven," she sniffed. "Oh God, Wheels, why am I so scared?"
Wheels' heart broke for the traumatized girl. "How about I come with you to the market? Would that help?"
"Would you?"
"Of course," Wheels smiled. "We can take things slowly."
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Alex was getting pissed; most of her injuries were better, but she had to be careful with her ribs, and her hand still hurt like a bitch. To make matters worse, it was her right hand, so she hadn't yet been able to return to work, and it was nearly three weeks since the attack. She stomped into the doctor's office.
The doctor could see she was in the mood from hell, so she didn't waste time on idle chit-chat. She manipulated the thumb joint gently, causing Alex to hiss with pain. "Do you feel any improvement from last week?" she asked.
Alex shook her head. "Nope."
"I'd like to try a steroid injection. It'll hurt like hell while I'm doing it, but I'm hoping it will have a dramatic effect on your levels of pain, and should allow us to start thinking about physical therapy. How do you feel about that?"
"Do it," Alex said firmly. "I have to work. I can't just sit around all day. I'm driving my wife nuts."
The doctor smiled; Olivia was a patient of hers too, and she liked the couple immensely.
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"Mommy!" Maisie looked up in delight when she saw her blonde mother approaching. She toddled over to Alex and put her arms out.
Deftly, Alex lifted her up in one arm. "Hey, doodlebug. I've missed you today."
Maisie grinned.
"Shall we get you signed out, and then we can go see Mama before we get Lily from school?" Alex smiled as one of the women who worked at the daycare center brought over the book for her to sign. "Thanks, Elaine," Alex said. "Tell me, has Maisie Moo been good today?"
"She's been a peach," Elaine answered. "She always is. She's always so happy, it makes my day to see that smile."
Alex settled Maisie in her stroller, deciding to walk to the 16th Precinct; it was a warm afternoon in late August, and she loved to be out in the city.
Olivia was bored of paperwork, so when she heard her youngest daughter's voice, she looked up in delight. Alex freed Maisie from the stroller, and she pelted across the squadroom floor and flung herself at her mother. Olivia laughed as she caught her and swung her into her arms, kissing her noisily on the cheek. "Hi baby girl. Gosh, am I pleased to see you!"
Elliott laughed. "She's not kidding Alex," he turned to the blonde beauty. "Your wife is real antsy today."
"Well, if you would do your own fives," Olivia muttered darkly.
Elliott grinned. "Too busy on the streets, partner," he teased, knowing just how much Olivia was missing active duty. "Somebody's gotta keep this city safe." He ducked as she threw a pencil at his head.
Alex leant down and kissed Olivia tenderly. "You feeling okay?" she thought she looked a little pale.
"I'm great," Olivia said. "I've been feeling good today. Apart from all this," she gestured grumpily to the paperwork on her desk.
"Unca Don!" Maisie called, seeing Cragen emerge from his office. He smiled widely at her, and happily took her from Olivia.
"Well hello, Maisie," Cragen smiled. "Have you come to visit us?"
Maisie nodded. "I did you a drawing of a dog," she said proudly.
Alex grinned, and withdrew the piece of paper from the bag on the back of the stroller. "She's very proud of this," she said, as she passed it over to him.
Cragen's smile lit up his whole face. "This is for me?"
Maisie nodded, proudly.
"Well, it's beautiful. How about you come with me into my office, and we'll find somewhere to pin it up?" he lowered Maisie to the floor.
She held on to his finger, and allowed him to lead her into the office.
Alex looked more closely at Olivia. "You're really okay?" she said quietly.
"I really am," Olivia said smiling. She was so happy to see her wife and daughter.
"You look beautiful," Alex said.
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Amy was just existing, her only solace was Robyn, who was doing everything for her; telling her where she had to be and when, cooking, cleaning. And holding her. Amy hated that she was so dependent, but she knew that, without Robyn, nothing would make any sense. So she took the hated pills that Robyn held out to her, and swallowed them without question. She got her reward when Robyn joined her on the couch and pulled her into her arms.
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Caryn smiled as Abbie pushed Daniel on the swing. Her back was aching, and she felt like a cow. Just in the last week, her belly seemed to have doubled in size. At the check-up that morning, Abbie had just grinned like a lunatic at the sight of their babies on the screen. Although she was feeling generally well, and had no cause for concern, Caryn had still been greatly relieved to get a clean bill of health at the check-up. She and Abbie had not been able to agree about whether on not to learn the sex, or sexes, of the babies. Abbie really wanted to know, while Caryn wanted a surprise. So they still didn't know, and she could tell Abbie was sulking.
"You can watch the game when we get home," Caryn called to her lover, in the hope of mollifying her.
Abbie pretended to ignore her as she pushed the swing.
"You can drive my car," Caryn knew that Abbie loved to drive her sporty Mercedes.
Abbie grinned, and blew her a kiss. "I knew it was worth holding out," she laughed. "I get to take it to work tomorrow too," she insisted.
Caryn laughed. "You drive a hard bargain, Carmichael."
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Dr Baker looked at Amy. "I know," she said softly. "It doesn't feel like progress to you. But you've been coming every day for nearly a month, and I can tell you, objectively, that I've seen a major improvement."
"Why am I still not remembering?" Amy wanted to know.
"You've had a major trauma; something that has blighted you for years. That's the way we cope, sometimes, by shutting ourselves off from the truth. And, who knows, if you hadn't been attacked in the office, you may have gone on like that for many more years. But you're confident in your relationship with Robyn, right?"
Amy nodded. She wished that Robyn were sitting next to her right now, but she had been coming in alone for the past ten days, and she was coping without her. And she knew that she was waiting for her in the waiting room just outside. She nodded.
"So maybe you'll get the confidence to face what's troubling you," Baker said. "I'm going to try another session of the hypnotherapy, is that okay?"
Amy took a deep breath. She nodded again.
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"Benson," Alex snapped, as she snatched up the phone. She had been back at work for two weeks now, but still she felt she wasn't catching up. And she wanted to get everything in order, as Casey was returning the following day, and she didn't want her to have to face chaos.
"Hey, sexpot," Olivia purred, and burst out laughing at Alex's shocked silence. "What?" she asked innocently.
"You know you can't do that to me in the office," Alex spoke at last. "You know how quickly I can lose focus."
"Now I know you are kidding me," Olivia said. "You are the most focused person I know."
"Not when I'm thinking about you," Alex smiled, hating to admit how easily Olivia could distract her. "What in the hell do you want, Detective?" Alex tried to sound pissed, but Olivia knew that she was in jest.
"I want to make an appointment with my wife," Olivia said. "Tonight. I know, I know. You're working. That's why I'm coming to your office at 7pm, and taking you out to dinner. And then, Mrs Benson," Olivia's voice softened, "we're gonna go dancing. I haven't seen you dance for so long. And don't worry," she said, before Alex could say anything. "I'll bring all you need. I have the perfect dress for you right here."
"What about...?"
"And shoes," Olivia smiled. "Relax, Counselor. It's all in hand."
"So I can assume you've got the babysitting organized?"
"Joe and Vanessa are coming over. They're spending the afternoon with the girls and Tommy, and then they've volunteered to spend the evening with our girls."
"Have I told you recently I love you?" Alex said softly.
"Not since this morning," Olivia teased.
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"Grandpa Joe?" Tommy asked.
"Yes Tom?"
"Are you very sad you can't walk any more?"
Joe smiled at the small boy, who stood in front of him, leaning on one crutch. He reached down and lifted him easily into his lap. He laughed. "I swear, you've grown just in the last week," he said. "I'm lucky; I can still stand for a minute or two, and even move around a little. I've gotten used to it, Tommy, being in this chair. And thanks to your Mama, who put up all those handles in my house and in the coffee shop, I can still do pretty much whatever I need to."
Tommy nodded, thoughtfully. He let out a big yawn, and snuggled unwittingly into his grandpa's strong arms.
"It's remarkable, how we can adapt," Joe said to him. "When bad things happen. I gotta be honest with you. I was real upset to start with. Real upset. And I used to get angry a lot. But then, once I calmed down, I started to think what I still had. Most importantly," he gestured over to Jay, who was helping Sarah take all their used plates into the kitchen. "Most importantly, I still had my beautiful daughter. And she brought so much light into my life, it seemed kinda … churlish … to keep complaining. So I took a decision. I decided that I'd make my life as good as it possibly could be. And, do you know, since that day, wonderful things keep happening to me!"
Tommy smiled. "What things?" he wanted to know.
"Well, first your Mama met your Mommy, and I was so pleased that she became part of our family. And she brought her wonderful family with her. And then I became the luckiest man in the world when I met your Grandma Ness, though don't tell her I said that," he said, in a stage whisper. "I don't want her to get all cocky."
"I can hear every word, Joseph Kazinsky," Vanessa drawled, in a mock-threatening tone. "Don't you go corrupting that innocent child."
Tommy giggled. He loved the way that his grandparents teased each other. "And then what?" he asked.
"Well then, the best thing of all happened," Joe felt tears pricking his eyes. He had always been an emotional man, who wept openly at his daughter's successes, and wept even more when things went badly for her. He hugged the boy. "Then I became a grandpa. And that's gotta be the best feeling in the world."
Tommy grinned. "I never had a grandpa before, or a grandma," he said.
"Well, you'd better get used to it, kid," Joe told him. "'cos we're here to stay."
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Sarah faced Jay in their big bed in their newly expanded apartment. She kissed her softly. "He was thinking about his leg, wasn't he?" she asked her wife.
Jay nodded. "I think so," she said.
"Your dad was so good with him. Tommy loves them both so much, doesn't he? We're so lucky."
"Let's hope Children's Services think so," Jay sounded nervous. They knew that they were due a visit soon, to check on things after their first three months together. They still attended appointments regularly, but this visit would be unannounced, and she was worried that the place might be untidy, or Tommy would have a messy shirt, something that happened with predictable regularity.
"If they don't, they're idiots," Sarah said bluntly.
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Olivia couldn't keep her eyes off Alex as she led her to the dance floor. She was radiant. The elegant white dress Olivia had chosen for her fitted her like a glove; classy, understated yet incredibly sexy, affording Olivia a tantalising glimpse of her cleavage. "You're so beautiful," she whispered.
"You're the beautiful one," Alex said, her heart beating faster as Olivia held her close. She let her hand slide to Olivia's belly, and caressed it tenderly. "Fourteen weeks today," she said softly.
"How do you know that?" Olivia was shocked.
"I know everything about this pregnancy," Alex smiled. "You're fourteen weeks today. You're due on 10 March. You're showing a little more than when you were carrying Lily, 'cos your body's had a little practice in making babies. And," she let her fingers ghost over a full breast, "your magnificent boobs are feeling real tender right now. And they've gone up a cup size already. Am I right, Detective?" she asked, allowing Olivia to guide her expertly around the dance floor.
"You're always right, Lex, surely you know that?" Olivia was overwhelmed by the love, and protectiveness, in her wife's eyes.
Alex laughed, burying her head in Olivia's neck. She inhaled deeply. Olivia's natural scent drove her wild.
Olivia danced with her for over an hour, spinning and dipping her, loving the fire in her eyes. She felt so proud of her beautiful wife, and enjoyed every envious glance that came her way. Alex was hers, and hers alone.
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"What are you doing?" Alex asked, as Olivia told the cab driver to stop by one of the entrances to Central Park.
Olivia smiled, and got out the cab, opening Alex's door. She held out a hand to her, and helped her out of the car. She shrugged off her own jacket, and draped it around Alex's shoulders.
"You'll get cold," Alex protest.
"Shh," Olivia said. She held out her hand, smiling when Alex took it. Wordlessly, she led her into the park, where one of the horse-drawn carriages awaited them.
"Oh you are kidding me," Alex laughed.
"Too corny?" Olivia asked, a grin on her face.
"It's perfect, Liv," Alex allowed Olivia to guide her into the carriage. There was a basket at their feet. Olivia joined her wife, and leant forward, withdrawing a thick blanket from the basket, which she draped over them both. The carriage lurched forward.
"How long have we got?" Alex asked, snuggling into Olivia. She never wanted this moment to end.
"Ninety minutes," Olivia told her.
"This must have cost you a fortune," Alex said.
"Yep," Olivia smiled happily. She leant forward, and withdrew two crystal flute glasses from the basket, as well as a chilled half bottle of Krug champagne. She filled one glass to the brim, and passed it to Alex. She put the smallest amount into the second glass, and held it aloft. "To you, Alexandra Benson. My wife, my lover, the mother of our children."
Alex's eyes filled with emotion. "What's this in aid of?" she croaked.
"I love you," Olivia said, simply. "I wanted to show you how much."
"You show me all the time," Alex said. "You make me happier than anyone deserves to be."
Olivia kissed her tenderly, her own ardor rising as she felt her respond.
"We should tell them," Alex said. "The girls. And everyone else. It's going to be real obvious soon anyway," she rested her hand lovingly on Olivia's belly.
Olivia nodded. "We should. We'll do it on the weekend, huh?"
Alex smiled, and drew her back into the embrace.
When they finally broke apart, Alex snuggled into Olivia's arms. She always felt so safe, so loved, when Olivia held her.
Olivia reached into her pocket. "I nearly forgot," she said softly. "This is for you." She held out a long, velvet box.
Alex sat up a little. "What?" she didn't understand.
"If you open it, you'll see," Olivia smiled.
With shaking hands, Alex opened the box. Nestled in the box was a gold pendant in the shape of a heart, with the finest gold necklace. She lifted the pendant.
"Turn it over," Olivia's voice shook.
Alex did as instructed. On the back of the pendant, the initials O and A were intertwined, and a single word was written underneath, in Olivia's handwriting. She had no idea how Olivia had achieved that. The word read 'Forever'.
Alex started to cry.
Very gently, Olivia took the necklace from her, and undid the clasp. With one hand, she swept Alex's golden hair to one side, and carefully put the necklace on her. She took Alex's face in both hands, and kissed her softly and lovingly. "I mean it," she whispered. "You and me, for ever."