Author's Note: Expanding on the 1st chapter because let's be honest it's unrealistic. Thank you to JustAnotherPseudonym for pushing me to not give a bullshit happy ending. Honestly-yes, fanfiction is nice because it gives people creativity and enjoyable endings when life doesn't do that as much as we'd like, but I didn't even like my ending so it's time for it to meet my standards. Also its very short.
Softness and warmth was contrasting how she felt. They were in towels and about to lay in bed, but Quinn couldn't bring herself to sit down. She felt like pacing, like leaving, and trying her best to not look back.
The walk from the bathroom to their bedroom gave her clarity even as Juniper licked her hand to console her heavy mood. It was strange that her dog could pick up on her poor mood. Maybe it wasn't too weird since she'd usually be calling her pretty girl and weirdo in a happy tone. Juniper trotted in and laid in her bed in the corner, her eyes going back and forth between Rachel and Quinn.
"Are you going to get in bed?" Rachel asked gently as she pulled back the covers.
Quinn shivered and was brought back to reality that she was nearly naked and more vulnerable than she wanted to be. Walking to her closet she was already thinking in her mind what clothes she wanted to grab.
"I can't" she said into her closet and she took her sweater off the hanger.
"You can't?" Rachel tried. "I thought we were going to talk..or you were going to talk." Rachel said as her shoulders slumped. Hope being taken from her sails a little.
"I don't think I can..do this," Quinn finally said after a few minutes of silence after putting on her bra and underwear. She didn't want to step into the bedroom without clothes. It felt odd for some reason. Too bare, too much. Also she knew when she would put her pants on Juniper would always get anxious and know they were going out. She wanted a few seconds to herself without any anxiety. She breathed deeply, trying to live in the fleeting moment as much as she could. She was fleeting, they were fleeting.
"What do you mean?" Rachel asked in a shaky voice, already feeling the build-up and her fear being confirmed that she came too late. But she felt that Quinn was already pulling away. She didn't want the confirmation that she was right.
"I mean..I don't trust you. I can love you and will continue to love you, but I can't trust you after this. I don't want to give you the chance…we…I should have had this conversation before the shower." She said tensely and without emotion because it was easier to steel herself and put up those barriers than go back and forth. She'd done that for days. Wanted Rachel to be there, wanted a conversation, and maybe that's why she emotionally vomited in the shower, just offered up her thoughts to Rachel. She didn't regret it, but it was an overdue conversation. But the truth isn't always necessary. She had once told Rachel she felt beautiful. She explained she of course knew beauty was usually associated with visuals but she felt it and it threw her off. You're unexpected. It was another step in their relationship when they were first starting to date and Rachel was still surprised by how different Quinn was now that they were in college.
"Quinn…" Rachel started but was at a loss of how to continue.
"…you once said I made you feel whole. That the stage could only give you so much, but that we had potential to grow and be better because we're experiencing something together that's…so..pure and rare that the difficulties in life would be less heavy with being next to you." She said sadly, replying the words they shared. "But I can't. I hoped I could…fucking hope" She mumbled the last part. It was over a week ago she realized she would try to be with Rachel, but right now it wasn't possible. She didn't want to give anymore, she didn't want to be generous and write her letters, and she knew that'd be naturally denying something she'd want to do. The reaction Rachel would have was worth it, the hours she'd spend towards making something personalized and now she'd have to find creative freedom somewhere else…possibly for someone else.
Rachel swallowed and tried to ready herself as much as she could. "What are you saying?"
Quinn bit her bottom lip, thinking and weighing if she should be honest. She reasoned life was too short to hold back, but that didn't meant she had to keep giving Rachel fourth, fifth and sixth chances. "There were days…when I thought… if I had minutes with you I'd feel more alive." She took a deep breath. Rachel watched her chest rise and the muscles around her neck look strained. Quinn shrugged and tried to appear nonchalant. "… I can't fabricate a happy ending. I won't fake it. YOU weren't fucking here." She finished as she stretched out her hand and pushed down on the air, as though trying to push down her anger. She hated to curse. The only place she would was in the car alone...or in the car with Rachel. But anger took too much energy and she had to organize her thoughts, her next steps and rework her life. Rachel wasn't going to be in it anymore.
Even as Quinn was leaving Rachel thought she was graceful. More beautiful than most people easily said. It was in her actions, the smallest ones that composed Quinn of who she was. Like her mother she'd move her thumb over her index finger in subtle circles when she was feeling anxious like she was doing now. Rachel had noticed they did this years ago and had smiled when they were candidly talking to one another.
She knew she wouldn't get a chance to hold her hand again, to make her calm down, to give her a gentle squeeze as a reminder they were together because for weeks she hadn't been there. And now she was paying the price. A far higher one than she anticipated.
"I'm leaving. Santana and Brittany can come get my things or I'll get them when you're out." Quinn stated almost robotically, wanting to avoid drama as much as she could. A core part of her felt Rachel didn't deserve another opportunity with her to talk, that she'd missed her window and a door wasn't about to open as this one shut. She tapped the side of her thigh twice to call Juniper over. Her dog looked at Rachel and slowly got up.
"Where are you going?" Rachel asked with a frown and edged on desperation as she took a step towards Quinn because she knew. She wasn't dense, she simply didn't realize her life had become reminiscent of drama. She thought their lives were more of a romantic comedy with their banter and laughter. But that was then. That had past. "Where are you going to go?" She rephrased and watched Quinn's every move not fully believing what she was seeing. The blonde hung up her towel on the back of the door, ocd getting the best of her as she considered Rachel's schedule and when she could come back to get her things.
For a second Quinn wanted to say-anywhere but here, but refrained. The reflex was there to be a little cruel and she didn't want to lower to that level. They could have a long, drawn out conversation but what would be the point? Rachel trying to prove she cared, and no doubt she did, but trust was very different from love. They intertwined but they weren't synonymous. The taller woman took a step back from Rachel. It was still too surreal, but Quinn was a tactile person. She loved when Rachel would run her fingers over her arm, kiss her cheek, rest her hand on her thigh as she was driving, held her hand and felt the blonde's engagement ring being as a reminder of their solidity.
Rachel closed her eyes and willed the right words to come to her. All the lyrics, every previous statement they've said to each other wasn't enough and she took in a deep breath, trying to prepare herself for the impact. In that moment she heard the distinct clink of metal dropping into glass. She knew what it was.
Quinn grabbed Juniper's leash that for once wasn't near the front door and took a step out of the bedroom.
In college Rachel would send her a lot of inspirational quotes and pictures that Quinn ended up memorizing. With another deep breath she restated one Rachel had shared-an arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming.
Return to sender she thought cynically with a sigh as she shut the front door. She refused to look back.
Rachel opened her eyes when she heard Quinn's footsteps had left the apartment. She should have went after her, she knew that. Her gaze when right to a bowl that was on their…the dresser. She didn't have to squint her eyes. The engagement ring was resting at a tilt, its diamond facing her.
The End.
Hate it? I like it. It's realistic. Side note: I have amazing friends. Convo with a friend who is more like my sister: I firmly think you'll find a nice guy but you're great so he has to be great. I'll find you the straight Jessie St. James.
Only a true friend would say that and know that is truly the man I would be looking for. Give yourself some credit beautiful petite big sister. I will find you the gay Anna Kendrick mixed with Dianna Agron.
You're brilliant, freaking great.
Goodnight sister.
Goodnight blonde/we look nothing alike sister ;)
We have the same soul and elitist values.
Ha but we're weirdly down to earth #complexwomen#realisticfeminists. Night!
Makes the day better.