A/N: So not quite finished yet, but wanted to post this as I said I'd get it up 12/22. Hope I can manage the end tomorrow. Thank you for the reviews and support. Merry Christmas!
….
With the recent turn of events –rather, the downward out of control tailspin that Regina's reality and know life had just become, it was hard for her to muster up enthusiasm about waking up in a cozy B&B next to her blossoming crush. If the circumstances were different, and she wasn't so paralyzed with fear and guilt maybe she'd feel some sense of joy and wonder.
No. Instead, her back ached from residual soreness, and it didn't help that she had twisted herself up like a pretzel; her thigh was asleep, wedged in the crevice between the mattress and the wall.
She sat up in bed, un-lodging her leg to stretch out. She glanced immediately over to her roommate's side. Emma had her eyes closed and looked incredible: a real life sleeping beauty. Her hair framed her face like an angelic halo of curls and her sleep-smoothed face looked so peaceful.
As Regina indulged herself in a quick reprieve of simply watching Emma sleep it was short-lived. Those long eyelashes fluttered open revealing Regina's favorite feature: her sea-green eyes. She looked so relaxed and tranquil as she stretched her arms up over her head lazily. Regina frowned at her out of sheer sadness.
"Merry Christmas," Emma breathed and Regina's heart clenched. She felt short of breath with a sense of loss for what could have been. Some people would call it unresolved sexual tension, because it definitely was not Christmas magic.
The tension continued throughout the morning.
The Warden greeted the pair as they came down the stairs of the Slammer Inn, with the scent of sizzling bacon and a plate of eggs and waffles with butter and maple syrup.
"Irma, thank you for your hospitality, how much do we owe?" Regina asked as she gratefully sipped from a cup of earthy dark roast coffee, which perked her up momentarily from her night of unrest. The hot coffee was almost too hot, but the slight burn in her throat was like adding up extra heat to store in case of another brush with the detrimental cold.
Emma glanced around nervously and pinched Regina's leg under the table. She leaned in close and whispered in a way that made her neck tingle, "Hey, I don't have much money, um…my dad will pay you back when we get home, okay?"
Regina stiffened and shook her head at Emma to relieve her concerns. The money was nothing and her parents had always taught her to be discreet about her wealth. Mother always noted with a prideful smile that she had raised her daughter well, since she did not act like a spoiled rich kid.
Irma interrupted as she turned away from the stove, "Honestly girls, I'm glad to have helped out, we don't have any tourists this time of year, seeing how the leaf peepers are long gone by Christmas."
Regina shook her head, "we must pay you something; I insist. You put us up, fed us two wonderful meals…" Made me realize I was gay for my gal pal. She only thought that last part, and was really confused on whether or not her realization was heaven or hell. Either way a big rainbow veil had been lifted from her eyes and she was forever changed thus.
Changed, yes, but for better or worse remained to be seen. When breakfast was finished the question of money had still not been resolved. When Emma fixed her beanie, and slid on her coat and gloves, Regina hung back and watched as she stepped out into the cold daylight.
With one last remaining glance at the bed and breakfast, she turned and warmly shook Irma's hand, wishing her a merry Christmas once more. She pressed two crisp folded one-hundred dollar bills into her palm and ran out the door after her companion before the Warden had the chance to decline.
Emma turned and smiled at her with her hands on her hips, waiting for Regina to catch up. The gas station- which today, promised actual gas, was already within view. It really was a shockingly small town, especially when compared to the vastness and huge population of Boston.
"Hey, Regina, can we talk?" Emma quirked her lip, her eyes looked sad and Regina never wanted Emma to look at her with that hesitant undefined sadness ever again.
And no, Regina really did not want to talk, but how could she tell Emma that? She could never say no to that slightly quivering pink lip, or those big sad eyes, and the way her apple cheeks pulled tight just a hint to betray her cool was just too much.
"Yes," Regina inhaled through her nostrils and steeled herself to hear some painful truth bombs. She fully realized she hadn't been accessible and her temperament had changed. She needed to snap out of it, and she needed Emma to stop being so…enticing. It was driving her mad even on a short Christmas morning walk to the gas station.
When Emma didn't immediately start talking Regina craned her head toward her and asked softly, even though she knew the answer, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Did I make you uncomfortable? Like did I do something bad?" Emma bit her lip and looked near tears. "I'm sorry about the short cut and I just—," she cut off altogether and when Regina tried to touch her shoulder out of pain and sympathy, Emma shrugged off her hand. "Don't say anything."
Then she turned and ran past the gas station.
Great, Regina had really fucked up.
…
Emma just needed a minute, Regina nodded to convince herself. She pushed the smeary glass door that was covered in old adhesive and random signs, far too hard and caused the little bell to ring and ring and ring.
She fidgeted with her coat, unzipping and zipping- alternating from feeling stifled and hot to a strange and oppressive chilly feeling. "Did the gas truck come?" Regina asked the attendant, who was not the same one as the man the day before. Today it was a woman, who looked bored and sullen.
"Yep, we got gas…" she answered looking out the window, her attention distracted by something outside.
"Good," Regina said cheerily. She had learned many times over that negativity bred negativity and if she didn't like the way events were headed, then it just took some creative and a conscious deliberate choice to change things around.
As she walked up and down the aisles of the small store, passing the shelf of candy and the three random loaves of white bread, she forced her breathing rate to remain normal and her heart to stop racing. The truth was that she was in pain because she'd caused Emma pain. It was unlikely to get any better until the two found a way to communicate better. The thing standing in the way was fear. Emma waltzed into the station and Regina tried to pretend to ignore her, except she was laughing and talking with a strange looking man.
This was not how Regina had envisioned Christmas morning.
It was only a few minutes later that Regina found herself sitting on Emma's lap with five gallons of gas, the strange looking man, (Buck) and a dog named Spit, all squashed together in the front of a pickup truck that puttered along down the road.
Emma had come across Buck and Spit and his old truck, which also randomly had a name (Betty), when she was 'clearing her head' as she so kindly put it. While Regina was still of the opinion that Buck was either a kindly saint or a serial killer/pervert she was in no position to argue. It was a ride back to the bug. The back of the pickup was so full of junk that there was not room for the large gas can or Spit.
Not wanting to leave Emma alone, and not feeling like walking Regina had lost the argument and that's how she currently found herself in her most uncomfortable and on the other hand comfortable position she'd been in yet.
Emma had her hands hooked safely and warmly around Regina's waist, she had somehow sort of pleasantly melted against her and she was enjoying each vibration of the rattily old vehicle and bump in the road.
Her cheeks were heated and she was unwittingly aroused by the proximity. It was embarrassing and she felt guilty for thinking that Buck was the pervert in the truck. Clearly, Regina was the dirty old man: enjoying their predicament and all but grinding her ass on innocent Emma, who was so upset with her that she couldn't look her in the eye or speak candidly.
They came around the winding curve and Regina spotted the bug and felt a sense of dismay. Back to the cold car, and a very awkward alone time with Emma. She reminded herself that this would be over very soon and she'd be warm and safe surrounded by her parents and her sister in a couple hours.
She'd drink horchata and decorate the stockings, string garlands of popcorn and cranberries around the tree, and sit by the fire reading and certainly not think about kissing Emma naked on a bear skin rug… because… because…Regina didn't have a bear skin rug. That was how Regina had started to envision Christmas morning- naked, kissing…lost in those wet and glistening lips and she keeps licking them… She had to stop her trail of thought dead in its tracks. Deliberate choices, Regina...she heard her mother's voice in her head, chastising her for her unnatural and unrequited thoughts.
The car was just how they'd left it alone on the side of the road just over 3 miles of Agrabah or whatever the hell the town was called. Regina practically leapt out of the truck and off Emma's lap before it had even come to a full grinding stop. With the 5 gallons of fuel rejuvenating the engine, and a quick nod and a thanks to Buck and Spit, Emma let out a content sigh. She rounded the back of the car and made sure everything was in place.
Regina watched her carefully before sliding into the passenger seat, and wringing her hands together nervously. Emma hadn't spoken to her properly after practically having a breakdown on the street just prior.
Thankfully the car started on the first try, after letting it warm up, and Emma letting out a loud "Yes!" Regina smiled despite herself. they went back to town, filled up the whole tank and headed out on the highway. This time driving in the correct direction: toward Storybrooke. Now they had just under two hours of awkward silence to fill.
Emma fidgeted with the radio, occasionally Regina noticed her glancing her way out of her periphery. Still she didn't say anything.
She felt like she was going to crawl out of her skin. She waited until her anxiety grew unbearable, trying to summon up the courage to possibly tell Emma what was really going on. When she finally spoke, her voice cracked and her thoughts were not nearly as organized as she would like. She was well practiced in keeping her composure during debate and mock trial even when an opponent got the best of her, Regina's cool never cracked.
But Emma Swan wasn't an opponent. She was so much more, and Regina hoped they were both on the same side (in more ways than one)
"Emma, I want to apologize. I didn't mean to…" Regina paused, inhaling sharply as she realizes that she doesn't know exactly what she should be apologize for. She can't put words to it at all.
"Look, I just want to get home. We don't have to be friends, Regina. You needed a ride and I was going this way…whatever happened, let's just drop it," Emma kept her eyes firmly fixed on the road. Her hands gripped the steering wheel so hard her knuckles were white.
Regina couldn't drop it, and she couldn't admit her feelings either. It was a conundrum: whatever she said, if Emma didn't feel the same, she would surely alienate her and reject her. Except she didn't even know where to start.
"I'm sorry you have to spending most of Christmas day in my poor company. I really am, Emma. You don't deserve my bad mood. You really don't."
"I just—I just don't get it, Regina. We were having a great time… or at least I thought we were, until you just like froze up. Are you missing your family really bad or is it something else?" Emma was quite insightful for a blonde, Regina thought. She pressed her lips into a thin line and grew more and more frustrated with each passing mile marker.
"I miss my family," she finally said and Emma raised an eyebrow. "There are things that I want to tell my parents, but I'm afraid that I'll let them down if I do. Have you ever felt like that?"
"Ha" Emma grunted and Regina made a face. Was she about to laugh at her? "Like last night – well, honestly throughout the entire semester, my mom. You'd hate her, by the way, but my mom is so nosy and weird. Last night she kept asking me if I met someone special and if I was going to bring her home for Christmas."
Her? Regina's mouth went dry and her stomach did a big flip, while blood rushed in her ears. Could Emma be outing herself? A strange fluttery feeling, something like hope whooshed into Regina's head like ocean waves crashing hard on the beach and then receding with a splash.
"Why would you say that I'd hate your mom?"
Okay, so that was not the most pressing question that Regina had for Emma now, but it was the safest.
"Oh, she's just opposite your personality. She'd all touchy feely, kind of flighty, droning on about stupid stuff. You'd have no patience for her, it's a Christmas miracle you have had any patience for me…" Emma turned her head and lifted her eyebrows teasingly. Christmas miracle, Regina thought smugly.
"I'd have more patience if you didn't get us lost and drive us halfway to Canada, dear," Regina couldn't help but relax around Emma. Her smile was so warm, her real teasing one, and her energy was so bright. She didn't possibly think she could hate Emma's mother.
"So back to your mother, why did she think you would bring home a friend at Christmas?" She kept her voice light and even, looking out the window to act as though the scenery was far more interesting than the current topic of conversation. Her palms were sweating and she wanted to splash a bucket of cold water on her face.
Emma shook her head, but continued to look out at the horizon, "My mom is kind of obsessed with the idea of true love and that kind of fairytale bullshit. She met my dad her first semester of college, and is hoping I'll find someone too. She says she had a dream about my future true love. But anyway, tell me more about your family."
"Oh," Regina said taking a breath. Nothing earthshattering was revealed except that Emma's mom is kind of a nutter butter. "Not much to tell, my mom is the mayor and my dad was kind of a free spirit hippy. I really don't know how they ended up together, but I wouldn't call their specific partnership one of true love."
"Wait, your mom is the evil demanding mayor of Storybrooke?" Emma laughed, covering her mouth at the absurdity of it. "My dad really does not like her. That's so funny."
"I'm sure," Regina failed to see the humor. She was still preoccupied with arriving home. Despite her families flaws and the likelihood that her sister would be mopey and jealous of Regina's gifts, she couldn't wait to see them.
…
The pair had continued to talk about life for the remainder of the drive home: their families, the difficulties and demands of school, and gossip about other girls on the field hockey game. It was a rare indulgence for Regina to speak with someone so freely who had a lot of the same experiences in life that she had.
Most of the relief came by the fact that Regina felt relaxed and Emma had forgiven her for her strange moodiness that had manifested (still mysteriously in Emma's opinion) during their road trip extension, (which is what they were calling the short cut that never was.)
It was late afternoon when the bug screeched over the town line and sputtered the last few miles into Storybrooke. "So where's your house? Keep in mind I've never been here before, I don't even know where my house is."
"Two blocks down from the center," Regina was radiating with excitement when Emma made the final turn and Regina spotted the hedges in front of her home decorated with big red bows. "This one."
Something wasn't right. There were no vehicles in the driveway, which was common- as the cars could all be in the garage, but there also wasn't a single light on in any of the many rooms facing the street. The house looked dark and cold.
"Did you ever end up calling your parents to tell them you were on your way?" Emma must have had the same thought as Regina.
"No…I wanted it to be a surprise…Perhaps everyone is out at dinner," Regina licked her lips and blinked hopefully, but a sinking feeling resonated deep in her stomach.
"Do you want me to come check it out with you?" Emma asked, but Regina couldn't tell if her tone was pitying or one of discomfort.
"Um…that won't be necessary."
"Okay, but still…like we've been driving for 2 hours, and I drank about a gallon of coffee, could I use your bathroom really quick?" Emma grimaced until Regina smiled.
"Yes, of course. Come in. I'm sure my parents will want to thank you for delivering me in one piece," Regina got out of the car, and grabbed her luggage from the back. When she walked up the path she noticed something alarming.
FedEx had delivered the gifts that Regina had sent and no one had picked them up from the step. Usually, the housekeeper would have brought in packages, but perhaps she was off work for Christmas.
Regina rang the doorbell, and heard it echo inside the house. No response. Emma was making her more nervous as she danced from foot to foot behind her. Regina shot her a glare.
"What? I really have to go," Emma blushed, but stopped her little pee dance. "If no one is home no one is going to answer. This is your house, right? Like you shouldn't have to knock."
"I know, I have a key…I was just…" Regina cleared her throat out of nervous habit, furrowed her brow, and thumbed her hair back behind her ears. She walked around to the garage and punched in the code she had memorized. The garage door made a mechanical whizzing noise as it opened and Regina moved past her Mercedes and entered the house. She disarmed the alarm and pointed Emma to the bathroom.
"It's really dark in here," Emma commented as she ran down the hall and left Regina standing dejected at the entrance from the garage. Where the hell was her family? They hadn't simply gone out to dinner. First, her mom always cooked on Christmas, and if they had just gone out, some lights would be on, the thermostat would be set on such a cold temperature.
Regina walked around the cold, dark house noticing things. The Christmas lights weren't even on. The big tree in the formal living room just sat there: decorated but useless. What the hell was going on?
The surprise was on her because she did not expect no one to be home on Christmas day. Emma emerged from the bathroom and found Regina standing in the kitchen. "Your house is really beautiful! It's so big and empty. Did you figure out where your family is?"
"I'm going to call," Regina picked up the phone and dialed her mom's cell. It went to voicemail. She called her dad, who answered with a hearty "Merry Christmas."
"Daddy?"
"Hola corazón. Te echamos mucho de menos. Estaba esperando tu llamada," Regina's father said, as her eyes welled up in tears at the sound of his voice. It was surreal to hear him and be at home, but not have him with her. "Um…where are you?" Regina asked softly, fear heated her body and she glanced nervously at Emma.
"Canada," her father said in a serious tone. A tone that seemed as though it should be a secret, but he didn't have the heart to lie.
"Canada?" Regina repeated in confusion, Emma made a crazy face. "I don't understand. It's Christmas."
Her father sighed, "Here's Cora, dear. Speak with your mother." And like that Regina got handed off to her mom.
"Merry Christmas, sweetheart. We miss you very much, and I hope you found something decent to eat today," Cora started the conversation sincerely.
"Daddy says you're all in Canada…Zelena too?"
"Why yes, dear at our favorite ski resort. We didn't want to tell you of course, since you couldn't make it home. I didn't want you to be disappointed, but don't' worry we will take you next year."
The puzzle pieces were starting to click.
"You were giving us a family Ski trip for Christmas and when my flights got canceled, you went along without me."
"I checked with the airport and flights were probably going to be grounded through the 27th, but if you can come home for New Year's we will make it up to you," Cora continued apologetically.
"Mom, I made it home. I'm standing in the kitchen right now. I was worried that no one was here on Christmas."
"What? How did you get home? Did you take the Amtrak?!" Cora exploded at her, and Regina pulled the phone away from her ear and hung her head in her hands.
"My friend gave me a ride, and I wanted it to be a surprise," Regina couldn't control her emotions. She rarely cried in front of anyone, but this was an epic backfire and here she had worked to get home. She was already amid an emotional crisis, and now her mom was yelling at her from the top of a ski mountain about Amtrak.
She squeezed her eyes shut, "Merry Christmas, mom…I'll-I'll talk to you later. Tell Zelena I said 'hi'."
Regina punched the button on her cell and ended the conversation after her mother crooned a sickeningly sweet goodbye. Drops of salt water fell onto the marble kitchen counter and her shoulders shook from the strain. The more she tried to hold it in, the more the tears rolled out. A beat passed and Regina had forgotten she wasn't alone, until she felt Emma's comforting presence from behind.
Emma placed her chin on Regina's shoulder and gingerly wrapped her up in a tight hug, linking her fingers around Regina's waist and holding her. "I'm sorry your family isn't here; I hate seeing you feel sad."
Regina tensed up momentarily at the physical intrusion, but Emma's breath rustling against the wisps of hair at her temple caused her to feel an exhilarating rush. Emma was so warm, soft and sweet as she kept holding Regina and ever so slowly swaying side to side to lull her into feeling better.
"Thank you, Emma…" Regina twisted around so she could look at her, and she expected the hug to end, but in some cuddly martial arts ninja move, Emma stayed close and now they continued to hug the traditional way: front to front. But Regina felt nothing traditional about this hug as Emma petted her hair gently and remarked how silky and soft it felt under her fingertips, and Regina allowed it.
She even wrapped her own arms around Emma and gently kept their bodies pressed together. The rest of the world melted away and all Regina could feel was their hearts beating to the same rhythm.
Emma let go and brought her hands to Regina's shoulders. Regina was hyperaware of her touch burning hot through her shirt and the rare intimacy of the moment. She was sure she was about to kiss her, but she looked at her sweetly through hooded eyes and squeezed her shoulders.
"It's going to be okay, you are not going to be alone," Emma set her jaw and looked her straight in the eye. Emma's intense sense of conviction sent another crazy feeling rush through Regina and she had to break out of the bubble to get control of her emotions.
Emma stepped back and pulled her phone out of her pocket. "Hey, mom. Yeah, I'm in Storybrooke. Great! Mom, could you please set another place at the table. I am bringing a friend home for dinner, okay?"
Regina stared at her stunned and in no place to argue. She ran to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face to freshen up.
Emma knocked on the door a few minutes later. "Regina? Are you okay? I'm bringing you home for dinner, no arguments."
"I'm okay, thank you. Just give me a moment to change clothes, and I'd be happy to come along with you," Regina said as she caught her breath. She really didn't want to be alone on Christmas and Emma was set and determined that she wouldn't. Regina believe that Emma had made her a promise.
….
The Swan's abode was how Regina would politely describe as 'humble' or 'Charming'. She had helped Emma drive to the loft apartment that was a few blocks from Main Street. She knew Emma was on scholarship, and a small-town Sheriff didn't earn much money. Emma's mom, Snow, was currently a substitute teacher at the local elementary, but didn't get much work and when she did, it almost cost more for Emma's brother's daycare than it was worth for Snow to work.
The Swan Family was truly the opposite of Regina's own. Their small apartment was not neat and orderly, but it was full of light, warmth and noise. Emma's little brother was adorable, and her parents both hugged Regina before she could even properly get inside the door. It was a whirlwind of compliments and then they turned the full force of their attention on Emma and swarmed her like parental hummingbirds doling out Christmas love.
"I'm so glad you're home honey! Let me show you and your lovely friend around," Snow took Regina by the hand and then nudged Emma forward by the small of her back. She scooped up her little brother and smiled in his face, giving him smooches as she placed him on her hip.
"Hey, buddy, look how big you are!" Emma bounced the tot up and down and he let out a string of high pitched giggles. Regina felt like her heart just expanded by ten sizes like a big gay Grinch.
The loft was small as Regina had noted earlier, and Emma didn't exactly have her own space in the home. The upstairs attic had been converted to the baby's nursery and even her parents didn't have their own bedroom as it appeared that their actual bed was against the wall on the side of the living room.
It looked like Emma would have to take the couch, and suddenly the wheels were turning in Regina's mind.
She imagined how pleasant it would be to hang out with Emma on a couch and watch a movie. Regina was sadly aware that she'd had that very opportunity the previous night and had blown it because she was afraid. She was afraid to be herself.
When they sat down for dinner, Snow buzzed around making sure everyone had enough food on his or her plate and Regina made polite conversation with Emma's father, David. She explained who she was and he was a bit impressed and a bit surprised to find out that Regina was Cora Mills daughter.
"Wow, Emma, nice score."
He smiled, reaching across the table to pat his daughter on the back and a share a high five. Regina didn't really understand what was going on. Her family was a bit more reserved, and less harried, but still affectionate. They didn't get very personal unless her mother was asking her ad nauseum about finding a rich and powerful husband.
The Christmas dinner was kind of bland, but Regina could tell that Snow had worked very hard on making it. Also, that it had unfortunately been prepared hours in advance. The potatoes were sticky and meat was dry, but Regina kind of blamed herself for Emma not getting home earlier.
After the meal, Regina offered to help do the dishes and though Snow protested politely, Regina insisted that it was the least she could do after crashing Christmas at the last minute.
So, while Emma, her father and brother went to the living room to rough house and watch football, Regina and Snow headed into the small kitchen. It seemed comfortable at first, but Regina started to understand why Emma had warned her that she wouldn't get along with her mom. She was everything that Emma had described and probably spent her free time birdwatching.
The conversation was pleasant enough, and Snow pressed Regina for details on the field hockey team and how she knew Emma. As the pile of dirty dishes diminished, Regina started to get the sinking suspicion that something else was happening below the surface. She felt like Snow was interviewing her for a job, and she didn't know if she was passing her little test.
She had this mysterious smile on her lips and then leaned over as she passed another plate over to Regina to dry, and whispered like she was sharing a secret, "I always had this feeling that Emma would meet her true love during her first semester of college, just like her father and me. Now, there's no pressure, but I'm so glad that Emma brought you home to meet us, Regina. You already feel like family!"