Title: Coping
Rating: T
Author: Singing Violin
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
Summary: Chakotay suspects something terrible has happened to the captain, and he wants to help, but when he tries, he only makes things worse. Very dark, but not graphic.
Disclaimer: The Star Trek characters and universe are not mine.
Author's Notes (Chapter 9): Thank you once again to Lia Harkness, who valiantly looked this over and provided her support. I have, however, altered it considerably since she saw it, so anything that you don't like, or that's in error, is my doing. (As usual, feel free to point out typos and other easily-fixable errors, and I will fix them promptly. I do my best to proofread, but everyone misses stuff occasionally.) Also, thank you to all who continue to read, review, fave, and follow this work! This is for you. :)

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Chakotay's heart leapt in his chest and began pounding vigorously, alerting him to something...he wasn't sure what...and telling him something...that he figured out quickly...to stall. "Stop," he heard himself say before he was actually conscious of forming the word. "Don't answer that, Doctor."

The hologram looked over at him questioningly, but then nodded.

Chakotay continued, looking directly into the blonde's holographic eyes. "May I speak with you in private?"

He didn't need to glance at the captain to know he was being affixed with the infamous 'death glare,' but right now, anything was better than the obvious response to her current issues...wasn't it?

Voyager's CMO and first officer ducked into the medic's office, and the photonic doctor crossed her arms. "I trust this is important. I don't suppose the captain is too happy about our talking about her behind her back." She shot a look over her shoulder as if to emphasize the point.

"Yes," Chakotay confirmed. "I assume you were about to relieve her of duty, and I don't think that's a good idea."

An audible sigh escaped through holographic lips. "Glad to know you can make my medical decisions for me, Commander, but just for laughs, why don't you tell me why you know better than I do, starting with the assumption that I was about to relieve the captain of duty."

The commander gaped. "You weren't? I thought..."

"You thought what?" she spat out, unfolding her arms and using them to gesticulate wildly as she spoke. "That I was unaware of what she said to you while I was deactivated? That I would just discard her and let her fend for herself, when she's currently in serious condition, at least psychologically?"

Chakotay blinked, speechless.

"Everything that happens in here is recorded," explained the blonde, dropping her arms to her sides as she seemed to calm slightly, "and I am specifically informed if what occurs indicates a physical or psychological risk to any of my patients or their guests. It's not any of your business, and I'm vaguely violating Doctor/patient privilege by telling you this, but under the circumstances, I see no other choice, since you don't seem to trust me to do my duty otherwise, and you seem to be privy to most of what's going on anyway. In any case, I am as troubled by her attitude as you are, and you might be surprised to know that I don't believe relieving her of duty is going to be productive either. "

"Good," the commander finally got out, ignoring the pang of guilt ignited in his chest at the reminder that he was blatantly violating his captain's privacy. "I'm glad we're on the same page."

She raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms once again. "Are we? What are your thoughts on the matter?"

"Uh," Chakotay started, not sure of exactly where to begin. "Well, you know what she said. She blames herself for what happened, even though she doesn't even know what happened. She's isolated herself, and relieving her of duty will only allow her to isolate herself further. And without responsibilities, she might..." He paused for a moment, thinking, then raised a hand to his chin and stroked his stubble slightly before dropping it again. "I'm not sure what, but I don't think I want to know."

"I believe what you are attempting to express," said the hologram, her voice full of annoyance, "is that the captain is depressed, and that currently, her duties as captain are the only thing motivating her to continue living."

"You believe she's suicidal?" Chakotay practically squeaked.

The blonde doctor sighed. "I didn't say that. I said that you implied it. It is what you fear, is it not?"

"I don't know," Chakotay admitted. "I'm just worried. I don't think she'd go that far; it's against everything she stands for." He realized with alarm that he was mostly trying to convince himself of what he was saying. "She'd rather suffer than die. And maybe that's worse."

"Brilliant, Commander. I am impressed with your powers of deduction," said the hologram, her voice anything but sincere. "Now, as long as we're here, there is an important matter that I'd like to address with you."

Chakotay nodded. "What's going on?"

"Well, as you know, I have now been both male and female. While Lieutenant Torres has helped me with my program, I have been 'tested' on several crewmembers to see if I can 'pass' as female. I am quite disturbed to report that I am treated differently depending on my gender."

"What?!" Chakotay responded, astonished. "Are you sure it isn't just that they're used to the male version of you, and this one is new and unfamiliar?"

"You tell me," she responded. "I'm pretty sure that, had I been my usual self, you would not have questioned my medical judgment and stopped me from prescribing treatment to my patient. Is that just because you don't trust the 'new' me, because it's not the 'old' me?"

"I hadn't thought about it," Chakotay admitted, raising one arm and rubbing his forehead, and placing the other on his hip. "I just...wanted to make sure you didn't make a mistake. The captain's well-being is important to me."

"Which is exactly why you ought to entrust her care to her chief medical officer!" she responded angrily. "Yet you didn't trust me. You stopped me. You expected I was going to make a mistake." The last word was spoken with venom.

"I..." Once again, the commander was at a loss for words as he dropped his arms once more to his sides, where they swung uncertainly.

The hologram continued her rant. "I thought it was bad when I was first activated. When people treated me like a piece of medical equipment: ignoring me, de-prioritizing me when my program was malfunctioning, leaving me on with nothing to do...but this is different. They acknowledge me as a person, and think of me as unreliable. My medical decisions are constantly questioned. My patients don't follow my directions. They — not to mention their guests —," she directed that word squarely at Chakotay, "argue with me constantly. It's ridiculous!"

"I'm sorry," was all Chakotay could say. Then, "What should we do about it?"

"I'd like to go back to my 'old' self," she told him. "I prefer being male, all the time. At least I get some semblance of respect. Besides, I can't really explain it but it doesn't feel right to be a woman. It's not me. Not even with my personality subroutines altered. And please don't tell me that Ms. Torres could try altering my program further; she's tried a number of different variations and none of them have been even close to comfortable for me."

The commander gulped, wondering now if perhaps the holographic doctor's own discomfort was what led to people treating her...him?...differently, but decided not to press the matter further, as he was well out of his depth. Instead, he chose to focus on the other complication with changing the EMH back permanently. "What about the captain? I gather that you took this form initially for her comfort."

"I will maintain female form around the captain, as long as she needs me to, but only if you allow me to do my job," she insisted. "Don't forget that I am still the Doctor you know, still your CMO."

Chakotay nodded. "I got it. So, if you're not going to relieve the captain of duty, what are we going to do to treat her?"

"Again, not that it is any of your business, but under the circumstances..." She sighed, then continued. "I will start," she began again, emphasizing the pronoun, "by explaining to her why it is essential that she regain her memories before we make any other decisions. And you will assist me in whatever way I deem appropriate, after consulting my patient to make sure it is all right with her that you are participating in her care."

"I'd like to be there for her, especially if she regains her memories," Chakotay insisted.

"When she regains them," the EMH 1.1 insisted, "she will be given a choice of whether to have you there. If she allows it, you may stay for the procedure."

"Okay," Chakotay conceded, desperately hoping that Kathryn would agree to his presence, though now he was forced to question whether the only reason he wanted to be there was because he didn't trust the lady doctor to treat her properly. No, he resolved, I'd want to be there regardless. She's my friend...and... He couldn't bring himself to complete the thought.

"Now, I believe I have a patient to treat," said the photonic doctor tersely. "You may accompany me if you wish, but if, at any moment, she does not want you there, you need to leave." She then walked back out into the main room, where the captain sat on the biobed, looking positively irate.

Chakotay jogged after the hologram, ready for the captain's wrath.

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