Title: Coping
Rating: T
Author: Singing Violin
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
Summary: Chakotay suspects something terrible has happened to the captain, and he wants to help, but when he tries, he only makes things worse. Very dark, but not graphic.
Disclaimer: The Star Trek characters and universe are not mine.
Author's Note (Chapter 12): Still self-beta'ed, so feel free to let me know what you really think, if I can fix it quickly here or in an upcoming chapter. *Waves towards the ocean at my beta, who is missed!* Apologies for the short chapter, but I wanted to get something up before things get even busier (is that even possible?) Also, huge thank you to all the people who have been reviewing, following, and faving! It definitely encourages me to write faster when I know people are enthusiastic about the story!

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Janeway pursed her lips, raised her eyes, and regarded her first officer stonily before speaking. "I've asked you to trust me before, Chakotay, and I'm asking you again now. You don't want or need to know. You just need to trust my judgment."

Chakotay shook his head sadly. "I can't trust your judgment to not trust your judgment. It doesn't make any sense to me. I can't. I need something more in order to make a decision that's going to affect everyone on this ship."

She sighed, looking down at her lap once more. "Another reason why you will make a great captain, Chakotay."

"Someday, perhaps," he replied coldly, "but not today, unless you tell me something I can't possibly imagine."

She fiddled with her fingers as she replied softly. "You already know some things I've done, that ought to disqualify me from this position. Starting with wiping the Doctor's memory for my own personal comfort."

He wasn't willing to accept that. "Is that why you did it, Kathryn? For your personal comfort? Because I've never known you to do anything for your personal comfort, except perhaps securing an extra cup of coffee."

There was silence for a moment, while Chakotay glanced at the aforementioned doctor, who was not speaking, but was regarding the two of them intently as she observed the conversation. "No, I suppose I didn't," Janeway finally admitted. "I thought that, if I couldn't remember it, that it would be as if it hadn't happened, and that I could go on as before. I thought I could erase history. It was arrogant of me, and it didn't even work. I was still affected, and worse, I couldn't even explain why. Which put the ship in even more danger than if I had just accepted it at first."

Once again, the commander shook his head. "You were trying to protect Voyager, to continue doing your job. Maybe it turned out badly, but it wasn't selfish: you were doing what you thought was best for all of us. We're human, Kathryn. All of us. Including you. We make mistakes. And who's to say the mistakes I'd make as captain wouldn't be as bad, if not worse, than yours? Nobody got hurt here, except you."

"This time," she conceded, then looked up at him briefly, allowing him to glimpse the tears beginning to collect in her eyes. "But what about next time?"

"Nobody can predict the future," he pointed out. "Next time is yet to be determined, and there's no reason to believe that we have a better chance if I'm captain than if you are. Besides, what would you do if I took over? Clean the plasma manifolds and stay out of everyone's business, as if the crew would even accept that? Or would you have me drop you at the nearest inhabitable planet, to live out your life in solitude or among the natives?"

"Maybe. At least then I couldn't get myself — or anyone else — into any more trouble," she pointed out bitterly, holding his gaze as she spoke, but then lowering her eyes afterwards, seemingly exhausted by the momentary eye contact.

Growing exasperated, Chakotay grabbed at the biobed behind him, clenching his hands around the edge and leaning back slightly. "You haven't gotten anyone into trouble," he argued.

"We're still here, in the Delta Quadrant, instead of home with our families," she retorted, raising her eyes again but this time looking past him, at the Sickbay wall. "And I'm a wreck. That's trouble enough for me."

The commander tried a different tack. "We've met new species, explored a part of the galaxy no other humans have seen, formed bonds among an unlikely crew. We've had invaluable experiences we wouldn't have had at home with our families. And we're still alive. We may yet return to our families, but only with your help."

"I disagree," she stated simply, glancing up briefly at him before returning her eyes to her hands. "It's not worth it. And it's my fault. I'm deeply grateful for your loyalty, but I don't deserve it."

Now Chakotay looked over pleadingly at the EMH 1.1, who had yet to speak a word since he'd asked the captain to confess. Help, he begged her silently, hoping her program would allow her to interpret.

She seemed to understand. "Captain," the lady hologram interjected, drawing Janeway's focus, "I could diagnose you with various psychological ailments to explain this guilt complex of yours, but ultimately, we're not going to get anywhere unless you tell one of us exactly what happened that led you to these feelings of inadequacy, or at least, about the memories you chose to suppress. If you can't share with Commander Chakotay, I will dismiss him so that you may speak privately with me. You know I will keep our conversation confidential. But I don't believe you will feel better until we speak of facts, rather than judgments. And I promise you, if after we have spoken I agree with your assessment, I will relieve you of duty and let Chakotay take over. But you're going to have to do better than asking us to 'trust your judgment' that you're unfit for duty, because you've earned the respect and admiration of everyone aboard this ship and we believe it is well-deserved."

Staring directly into holographic eyes, the captain gave her reply. "All right." Chakotay wondered briefly if she were considering erasing the conversation from the photonic doctor's memory again, if she didn't like how it went, but it didn't really matter...he wasn't going to pass up what seemed like the best shot at helping her. He steeled himself for what he predicted was coming.

"Chakotay," the captain addressed him, speaking his name carefully and clearly, but remaining visually focused on the lady hologram. She took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm asking you to leave now. I appreciate your candor and support, but..." Her voice trailed off.

"I understand," Chakotay replied with what he hoped would be construed as sympathy, rather than the growing frustration that was threatening to explode out of him. "I'll see you later."

As he turned to leave, he glanced back, and caught a tear trickling down Kathryn's cheek. Just another time I'm walking out on a crying woman, he thought to himself. At least this time she asked me to leave. He began to contemplate what it said about him that he was so eager to leave the room when there were female emotions at play. No, he reminded himself. I'd stay if she hadn't told me to go.

And then he remembered that B'Elanna, years ago, had not asked him to leave, but he'd left anyway. But this is different, he tried to convince himself unsuccessfully as he walked out the doors, feeling wholly conflicted.

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Supplementary Author's Note: There was some confusion, so I ought to clarify: the mention in this chapter and Chapter 11 of Chakotay walking out on B'Elanna is a reference to the scene in Sickbay at the end of the episode "Faces" (Season 1, Episode 14).