Chapter 10
"When I stood there on that bomb all I could think about was you. The last moments that I stood there alone all I could think about was I never told you how I feel about you. Really feel about you." Olivia says.
Alex's heart is suddenly beating a lot faster. She's getting hopeful. Hoping that what Olivia tries to tell is is that she feels the same way about her as she feels for Olivia.
"Liv, what are you trying to say? What do you mean with how you really feel?" Alex asks softly.
"I got Cragen recording a video for you. Just in case I... I wouldn't...make it. I wanted you to know how much you mean to me. We know each other for 12 years. We've been trough a lot together and apart trough the same. After you were shot and they told me you died, I died too. I thought I lost the person that means the most to me. That is the most important woman in the world for me. And I couldn't handle it well. I hadn't slept in days and almost didn't eat. When Hammond left a message for us that he had some loose ends he wanted to tie I was so angry with him. When we got to the place he asked us to come to he said 'This one is a real pain in the ass. Wouldn't take no for an answer.'. And we didn't get it. That was until the door of that SUV opened and you came out. I was stunned. One side I was relieved and happy that you were alive. On the other side I was pissed off. Pissed off that they let us believe you were dead. Then I asked you 'How long?' and you couldn't answer. You said 'Until he is extradited or otherwise dealt with.'. My whole world crashed down. I had the feeling I had lost you twice in a few days. I buried myself in work. All I did was working. I avoided my apartment as much as I could. Avoided to be there alone. I worked so much that I was slowly killing myself. But I didn't care." Olivia says.
Olivia was now crying. The normally strong brunette almost broke down. Alex was shocked. She never knew that her supposed dead and being in WPP had hurt the Detective so much.
"Oh Liv, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I didn't know that all of this effected you so much." Alex says.
"It was not your fold Alex. I failed you. I didn't protect you when I needed to. It is my fault you needed to go into WPP." Olivia answers.
"Olivia Benson! None of this was your fault. You didn't failed me either. If anything you saved my life. Without you pushing on the gunshot wound I would have died. I own my life to you." Alex says sternly.
"I don't see it that way. But that is not what I want to say to you. What I want to say to you, to tell you is the reason why I was devastated. When I was standing there today I thought to myself I never told you that I love you. I love you Alexandra Cabot." Olivia almost whispers the last part. But Alex heard her.
"I love you too, Olivia Benson." Alex says with tears in her eyes.
"I think you don't understand. I love you as in I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for a long time. I'm sorry to drop this in your lap like this. But after today I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I know you probably don't feel the same way. Although I hope you do. But I had to tell this. I'm sorry." Olivia replies.
Olivia doesn't dare to look at Alex. Afraid she sees the rejection in her eyes.
"Liv, look at me?" Alex asks.
When Olivia doesn't look up to her, Alex puts her finger gently under Olivia's chin and pulls her head up.
"Olivia Benson, you've just made me the happiest woman in the world. I'm so incredibly, head over heels in love with you. I'm in love with you for many years. I was attracted to you the first time I saw you. I never had met a woman so beautiful as you are. How long are you in love with me?" Alex asks.
"Alex, I'm the luckiest woman in the world. You are intelligent, strong, compassionate,humorous and stunningly beautiful. From all the women you can choose you've chosen me. I found you attractive, drop dead gorgeous the first time I saw you. I almost forgot my own name. It was after I saw how driven you are that I started falling for you. I didn't allow myself those feelings. But after a while I couldn't do that anymore. Every time I heard you walking into the squad room my heart started beating faster. Every time you looked at me with those cerulean eyes I melted inside. But I thought you were straight so I kept hiding my feelings. Better to have you as a friend or best friend then nothing at all. In the last seconds that I stood there just before the Lieutenant counted to three I said it out loud that I love you. In case I wouldn't make it at least I said it out loud once."
Alex looks at Olivia like she's gone nuts. She can't believe that Olivia thinks she's not worth it.
" Of course I've chosen you. Olivia I don't know any woman that is as caring,strong,helpful, powerful, protective and intelligent as you. Not to mention how beautiful you are. Have you any idea how beautiful and sexy you are? Why wouldn't I choose you. Everyone with eyes and a pulse is drawn to you."
"You're kidding right? You are the one that is beautiful and sexy. I've seen people drooling over you and I can't say they're wrong. When you walk into a room everybody stops doing what they are doing to look at you. When people see you walk they see a powerful, stunningly beautiful and equally sexy woman. You turn every head wherever you walk in. Besides that I see this incredibly intelligent, caring woman. Who deserve so much more than me. Alex, you deserve the best and nothing less then that."
"Exactly and that is what you are. To me you are the best, Olivia. Al those things you say about me, you are. You turn heads in every room you enter only you don't see it yourself. I've seen men and women walking against doors because they were looking at you. Your body is so powerful and well shaped. That I have to stop myself for not drooling over you. So you are equally to me at least. You know I accept nothing less then the best. Why should I make an exception with choosing the woman I love, the woman I'm in love with. You, Olivia Benson, you are the best. There is no one more precious or important for me than you."
"You really mean that?" Olivia asks softly, almost whispers.
Alex takes Olivia's head in her hands.
"Yes, I really mean that." Alex answers softly.
Olivia pulls Alex against her body and softly and tenderly kisses Alex on her lips. She kisses her for a few seconds and pulls back her head a little to rest her head against Alex's. This kiss feels like coming home. Coming home to the person they belong to. It was not hot or demanding but still it was electrifying. Olivia is the first one to speak.
"Wow, that was amazing. I've never been kissed like this, Lex."
"You can say that again. Feeling your lips on mine. Liv, it was perfect."
"Yes, it was. Maybe this is a little fast but I'm still gonna ask it. Alexandra Cabot will you do me the honor to be my girlfriend and go out on a date with me when we are out of here?"
"Yes. Yes, Olivia Benson I want to be your girlfriend. And yes I would like to go out on a date with you very much."
Olivia claims Alex's lips with her own and puts everything she feels in the kiss. Alex puts everything she feels for Olivia in this kiss. Olivia let her tongue glide against Alex's lips requesting access to her mouth. Alex opens her mouth and Olivia deepens their kiss. Alex moans in Olivia's mouth. Her fingers roaming in Olivia's hair. Olivia's fingers ran up and down at the sides of Alex's body and rest on her hips. They are kissing until they need to breath. Letting go they both are gasping for air. Trying to breath normal and slowing their heartbeats, their for heads are resting against each other. Brown eyes almost drowning in cerulean ones. And cerulean eyes almost drowning in brown ones. Seeing the feelings the have for each other in their eyes. As they pull their heads back, Alex and Olivia keeps staying in each others arms.
"Alex, I want to do this right. I want to take this slow for now. When we make love for the first time it has to be perfect. Now that's not possible. Is that alright for you? I want to woo you. I want to treat you right. "
"I want what you want. So if you want to take it slow for now, we take it slow. I want to do this right too, Olivia. If you want to woo me. I'm not stopping you. But I have one question. If it is ok with you I would like to sleep in the same bed tonight. I want to sleep in arms. Curled up against you. Would that be ok?"
"Yes. I would like that too. I need you close to me. I need you to be safe and to feel safe. Today we almost lost each other and I need you, Alex. I need you to feel safe myself."
"Liv, I always feel safe when I'm with you. Even now, with one arm broken, I feel safe. Because I know that even you are injured you will do anything to keep me safe. That alone makes me feel safe."
"Then we sleep together tonight. And any other night you need. I know I scared you to death today. I want you to know I'm alive and that I'm alright. So as many night as it takes to get that feeling back you get it."
"How do you always know what to say? Knows what I need?" Alex asks.
"I know you, Counselor. I know you for almost 12 years. The same goes for you. You know what I need. You know when I need to talk or when I need my space. Nobody gets me like you, Alex."
"I never have felt this way like I feel with you. Most people wants me because my looks or money. Some want me because it's politically the best. You are the only one that wants me for me. For who I am."
"That's right. I want you for who you are. And only for who you are. I don't give a damn about your money. You would mean the same for me without it. And I don't care for politics but I know it is important for your career. I will support you, wherever I can and whatever choices you make, as long as it doesn't put you in danger."
"I know you are. I know you are an independent woman. I like that about you, that you don't care how much money I have. The opposite, I think you feel uncomfortable with all the money I have. I know you will support me in my career if needed. And more importantly I know you will always protect me with everything you have."
"Just so you know, Counselor. You are right. I am independent. I only had myself to lean on. I had only myself to trust. Handle things on my own. I promise you that I will do everything I need to do, to change that. I know I can trust you. And frankly I think I already do. You have my heart, Alex. Be careful with it. Because this time if it gets broken it won't be able to heal." Olivia says being vulnerable.
"I will be, Liv. I will be. I know what it cost you to let yourself be so vulnerable. I promise you I will never break your heart. Breaking your heart means breaking my own. But the same goes for you, Detective. You have my heart in your hands. If it gets broken I know I will not survive it this time. I'm not used to be vulnerable too. But I do know for sure you will never break my heart." Alex answers.
That's right, Lex. I rather kill myself then break your heart. If you don't mind, I would like to stop talking about heavy subjects like this. For now. We need to eat and I need to take my medication because I promised and I never break a promise. And I'm kinda tired too."
"Sure, no problem. I'm hungry too. It's been a long day. An traumatic day. And we both need to rest. You certainly need rest. So what do you want to eat?"
"You choose. I'm not picky, you know that. Besides you know what I like. Right know I want what you want. As long as it food, I don't care."
"Let's look what we have here now."
"Ok. Do you mind if I lay down on the sofa. My arm really hurts now."
"Did I hear that right? Detective Bad ass Benson admits she is in pain?" Alex jokes.
"Yes, you heard that right. Don't get used to it, Counselor. I have a reputation to keep up high." Olivia jokes back.
"Don't worry, Detective. Your secret is safe with me. Seriously, how much pain do you have, Liv? And no bravery." Alex asks.
"Truthfully, it hurts like hell." Olivia answers.
"That's what I thought. You go lay down on the sofa and I go and see if I can make something to eat. After dinner you take your meds and we go to bed. How does that sounds?"
"Sounds like a good idea to me."
"Let me fuzz about, Liv. I want to take care of you. You're always there for me, taking care of me, let me take care of you, please?" Alex asks with puppy dog eyes.
"Ok, Cabot. You know I can't refuse you anything if you look at me like that. I let you take care of me. Just don't push it. I'm not used to let someone take care of me."
" You can't refuse me anything huh, I have to remember that. Thank you, Liv. I know it is a big deal for you. I'll try not to push it. Tell me if I do."
"I will. Now make us something to eat, woman. I'm starving. Oh and Alex, try not to put the stove on fire."
"Olivia Benson! I did that only once. Well twice if you count the microwave too. I have a question. How do you it? Eating like you do and still be in an excellent shape? You are a goddess."
"I work hard to keep this body in shape. Thank you very much. Ya think it gets this way on it's self? Hell no, you have to do something for it. I have to be in shape, chasing after perps. And I'm not getting younger. I'm getting old."
"You are not getting old! You have a body to drool over. You are in a great shape. I hear the stories about you chasing perps. They have trouble to follow you. You are faster, faster then all of them, honey. Do you think I don't know that you chase down the perps for 6 blocks climbing over gates and lord knows what else? You have them cuffed before they arrive. So you getting old is bull. They all wish they have a body like you and be as fit as you are. Nick said the other night that he doesn't get it, how you do it. He said that he doesn't even get close to keep it up with you. That he is out of breath by the time he gets to you. That your stamina is exceptional. So don't try the 'I'm getting old excuse' on me babe, because I know it is far from the truth. And I don't care if it was true, which it isn't, you are the most beautiful and sexy woman to me."
" You are talking about yourself you mean. Alex, you are stunningly beautiful. And with those damn glasses you are sinfully sexy. You can't get it any hotter then you wearing your glasses."
"So, you like my glasses huh, Detective."
"Hell yeah, you are drop dead gorgeous without them. But when you wear them you are so incredibly beautiful and sexy it should be illegal. It gives you something extra. You are intelligently sexy when you wear them and impossible to resist, Counselor."
"Good to know, Detective. Good to know. Now get your perfect toned ass on that sofa and lay down."
"Perfect huh? I think I like that, Counselor."
Olivia walks to the sofa and lay down on it. Alex walks to the kitchen and looks what there is to make a meal. Since there isn't much there she decides to make some grilled cheese sandwiches.
As soon as Olivia laid down on the sofa she fell asleep. She was exhausted of everything that happened that day and the conversation she had with Alex. Unfortunately talking about Alex's shooting brought everything back to the surface. Olivia still had nightmares about it. Not every night as she used to have but they were still there. It didn't take long before Olivia was trapped in an other nightmare. Alex was in the kitchen making grilled cheese sandwiches when she heard Olivia screaming. She ran into the living room and saw Olivia curled up in the fetus position. Rocking and shaking.
"Alex, stay with me. No no no. Don't die, Alex." Olivia sobbed. Crying in here sleep.
It broke Alex's heart to see her girlfriend in so much pain. Trapped in a nightmare. Knowing about what the brunette was dreaming. She sat down on the sofa and takes Olivia in her arms.
"Liv, wake up honey. You're safe. I'm safe. It's just a nightmare. Wake up honey." Alex says trying to wake Olivia up.
"Alex, don't die. Please don''t die. I need you. Come on Alex, stay with me."
Olivia wouldn't wake up. She starts yanking away from Alex but the blond ADA don't let go. She keep on holding Olivia in her arms. She starts drawing circles on Olivia's back. Knowing that it used to calm Olivia down.
"You're lying, she can't be dead. You're lying. NOOOO."
Olivia wakes up from the sound of her own screaming. She looks around not completely awake.
"Lex?" Olivia whispers.
"I'm here, Liv. It's was a nightmare. I'm alright, I'm safe. You are safe. It's ok now, honey." Alex says softly.
"I'm sorry, Lex." Olivia says.
"You don't have to be sorry, Liv. There is nothing to be sorry about. Do you have them often? Nightmares about it?" Alex asks.
"Yes, I do. Not every night anymore. But I still have them frequently. You?" Olivia asks.
"Yes, I have them too. Just like you, not every night. The worst are when you die instead of me." Alex answers.
"The worst for me are seeing you lying on the pavement and I can't reach you. I can't save you."
"But you did reach me and you saved me. I know you are still feeling guilty. You probably always will. Like I always will. But the most important thing is that we are here together. We survived it. And we don't blame each other for what happened."
"I could never blame you, Alex. I already loved you then." Olivia kisses Alex's for head.
"Thank you, Alex for being here. For understanding me, this." Olivia says.
"You too. Thank you for using your head today. For coming back to me." Alex answers.
"I always will do the best I can to come back to you. From now on I will try not to take any risks if it's not necessary. I know you are worried when I'm in the field, on the streets. But I promise you I to be more careful. I'm not alone anymore. I have to think about you too. Even though we just started being a couple. I know it's different now. Being worried for a friend or for your girlfriend are two different things. And I realize that."
"That's all I can ask of you. To be more careful. I don't wanna change you, Liv. I know what it means to be a detective for you. And you are a very good detective. It's a part of who you are. A part of you that I love too. Yes I'm worried when you have to follow a warrant or make an arrest. But I trust you. I know you will be more careful now. We have been working together for a long time. I know what it means to be involved with a cop, or in this case a damn good detective. I was worried as your friend and now I will be worried as your girlfriend. Just as you will be worried for me."
"Yes I will. How about we are gonna eat now, Counselor?"
"Oh, crap. The sandwiches." Alex says, running to the kitchen.
Olivia stands up and walks to the kitchen.
"Are they burned?" Olivia asks.
"No. They're not. They are crispy though." Alex answers.
"That's ok. I like crispy. Let's eat them, Counselor."
"Ok, Detective. Where do you want to eat them. Here in the kitchen or on the sofa in the living room?"
"On the sofa if you don't mind?"
"No. Fine by me. Let's go then." Alex says.
She picks up their plates and walks to the living room. She puts the plates on the coffee table in front of the sofa and wait for Olivia to take a seat before she takes a seat herself. Olivia picks up her plate and settle it in her lap and takes a bite of her sandwich.
"Mmmm, perfect. Taste really good, Alex." Olivia says after swallowing her bite.
"Thanks Liv, I think they are tasty too."
They eat the sandwiches in a comfortable silence. After they are done they bring the plates to the kitchen. Alex cleans everything up before they are going upstairs to the master bedroom.
"Do you need me to help you getting your clothes off? I know we don't have any yammies here. But I don't think you want to sleep in your clothes." Alex says.
"If you don't mind. I don't want to impose." Olivia answers.
"I wouldn't ask it if I don't want to do it."
"Ok. Then yes, please."
Olivia pulls of her badge and gun and lays them down on the night stand. Alex helps Olivia out of her clothes until she only wears her undershirt, her bra and boy shorts. She helps Olivia lay down on the bed and puts an pillow under her left arm. Olivia lays on the left side of the bed close to the door. Even with an broken arm she insisted to lay close to the door just in case.
"I just get your meds and a glass of water, I be right back." Alex says.
"Ok. Thank you for helping me, Alex."
"No need to thank me, Olivia. I told you I like to take care of you. I'll be back in a minute." Alex says.
Alex walks downstairs to get Olivia's medication and a glass of water and returns back to the bedroom.
"Here you go, Liv." Alex says handing over the medication and the glass of water.
"Thank you." Olivia answers.
While Olivia takes her medication, Alex undresses herself. Since she was wearing her suit she undresses herself until she is in her bra and panties. Olivia looked at Alex undressing herself and chokes on her water at the sight of Alex only wearing her bra and panties.
"Wow Lex, your are stunningly beautiful." Olivia says after getting her breath back.
Alex blushes at Olivia's words.
"Thank you, Liv. You are very beautiful too." Alex says.
Now it is Olivia who blushes. Alex walks around the bed and slides in next to Olivia. She turns her head to look Olivia in her eyes.
" May I lay down against you?" Alex asks.
"I would like that very much, Lex. I would like to fall asleep with you in my arms." Olivia answers.
Alex snuggles into Olivia and lays down her head on Olivia's chest. Olivia puts her right arm around Alex's waist and pulls her as close as she can against her. She let's her hand rest possessively on Alex's waist. The both let out at sigh. Feeling safe lying down in each others arms.
"You know we have to talk about us with the Captain tomorrow, right? I know we are just getting together. But after our conversation with him today, I don't think we can wait." Olivia says.
"I know. And I'm ready for it when you are. I know we agreed to take it slow. But I don't want to hide it. I know by telling him and Liz later there will be consequences but you are right we need to talk with them as soon as possible."
"I don't want to hide it either. But I'm not ready to get it out in the open. If you understand what I mean. I'm ok if the guys know it though."
"Me too. I would like to have you all to myself for now. I'm ok with the guys to know it. I don't want it out in the open too, not yet. I don't want us in the spotlights right now and that's gonna happen when we are out in the open."
"It's gonna be a freaking media circus. I'm not ready for that too. I'm a very private person as are you. So keeping you all to myself for now is perfect for me."
"Yeah, for me too. Ok, so we're gonna talk with Cragen tomorrow and we need to talk with Liz when we get back."
"Ok."
"I think we should try to sleep. Tomorrow will be busy."
"Yeah, you're right. And with the meds I think I'll be out pretty soon. Not that I like it. Those stupid meds always makes me feel like I have a hangover the next morning."
"Poor baby, being drugged up by meds." Alex teases.
"Bite me, Cabot." Olivia answers.
5 seconds later...
"Ow, why did you do that" Olivia yelps.
A/N I know Liz isn't Alex's boss anymore but I like her more. So that's why I've chosen her to be Alex's boss. Please R+R.