Runaway Chapter 19, a law and order: svu fanfic

A/N I like to warn you all for the violence and assault that is written in this chapter. In this chapter will be explained at some point what happened to Olivia in Sealview. Season 9 epi 15 "undercover". I know it can be hard and difficult for some of you. That's why I report it before the start of this chapter.

Back to the story... how will Olivia react, what will she do? To find that out you have to read this chapter...

Chapter 19

Are you two cheating on me?

Casey and Olivia look at Alex like she suddenly has grown a second head. Both stunned by the blonde's question. Casey is the first one able to respond and she sees Olivia's eyes changing from stunned to hurt and anger.

'Oh shit, this about to blow up.' Casey things before she answers Alex quickly.

"What? How could you even think that? Alex..." Casey starts answering only to be interrupted by Olivia.

"Get out!" Olivia whispers to Alex.

Alex looks confused at Olivia. She missed the look of hurt and anger in her girlfriends eyes. Now there is only anger in them.

"What?Why? Liv?" Alex asks. Not knowing what has gotten into her girlfriend.

"I said, get out! How could you even think for one moment that I would betray you. Now get out! Before I let them call security. We are DONE. Now get the hell out of my room!" Olivia almost yells.

"Liv, I don't get it. What's wrong?" Alex asks panicked.

" Don't you Liv, me. You just lost the right to call me that. If you don't even know what's wrong with asking that, you need to think about what you just did. Either way, we are done. Now get out! Casey, get her out of my room, now please. And leave me alone after that." Olivia says.

Closing her eyes and turns her head away from two stunned ADA's.

"Liv, what are you doing? Do you really want to do this? Think about it, please." Casey asks almost begs.

"Do want to come back in this room, some time, later?" Olivia asks, not turning around.

"Yes, of course." Casey answers.

"Then get her out of here. Tell her what ever you think she should or need to know. And I let them call you if you can come back inside. Now go." Olivia answers.

Casey sighs and gets up. Looking at Alex and nodding to the door.

"Come on, Cabot. I walk you out. I'm sorry. But I know Liv will let them call security if we don't leave her alone now. Don't make this any worse then it already is." Casey says softly to Alex.

Alex looks like she's gonna break down any moment now. She doesn't understand what the hell just happened. What the hell went wrong, that Olivia wants her out of her room. And by the look the Detective had, out of her life. She knows she made a mistake by asking that. But she didn't aspect it would blow up in her face like this.

"I love you, Olivia Benson. I will always love you." Alex whispers before she gets up and silently leaves the room.

Casey had put her arm around Alex and guides her out of the room. Closing the door behind her. They make it to the bench a few feet away from the elevator before Alex breaks down. Casey pulls Alex in and holds the broken blonde attorney in her arms, just letting her cry. After a few minutes the heartbreaking crying stops and Alex just sobs.

"I just made the biggest mistake of my life. How am I gonna fix this, Casey?" Alex asks.

"I don't know. And truthfully I don't know if you can. Alex, we need to talk, now. Not here of course, let's go to the park." Casey answers carefully.

"What do you mean, you don't know if I can?"Alex asks worried.

Casey walks with Alex to the elevator and goes inside pushing on the button for the main floor. She turns to Alex.

"Because Liv said that I tell you everything that you should or need to know, that I think you need to know. That means she's giving me permission to tell you something that she didn't want you to know. That's why we need to talk. But like I said, we can't do that here. That why I said let's go to the park." Casey explains.

"Ok. Let's go to the park then." Alex answers.

Alex and Casey walked the few minutes it takes to park. Once the get there they walk into it and sit down on a bench.

"Alex, what do you know about Olivia's past? Do you know why she joined SVU?" Casey asks.

"I know why she joined SVU. I know her mother was raped when she was in college and that Liv is the product of that rape. I know that her mother became an alcoholic and that she had a bad childhood. Her mother died when she felt down the stairs of the subway, drunk. She wants justice for victims like her mother and give them and children the help she never got. That's why she joined SVU." Alex answers.

"Ok. That's good. That you know it I mean. Not what happened of course. Do you know anything of the cases when I was with SVU when you were in Witsec?" Casey asks.

"Some of them. She told me about a few. Why?" Alex asks.

"Do you know the case about a girl that was raped and her mother being raped by a CO at Sealview?" Casey asks.

"Yes. Liv told me that CO also raped inmates at Sealview. That she went undercover with Fin and that the got the asshole. Why?" Alex answers

"Is that all that she told you?" Casey asks.

"Yes. Was there more then?" Alex asks. Getting the feeling that Olivia didn't tell her everything about that specific case.

"Damn it. Yes Alex, there is more. And that is what we were 'talking' about. I said something that I shouldn't have said. It remembered her about it. She didn't want you to know it because she thinks that you will think she is or was weak. And that is what she meant with tell you what ever I think you should or need to know. So I'm gonna tell you what happened but I warn you. You're gonna feel like shit more then you already do about your moment of insanity by asking if Olivia and I were cheating on you. Because she let me tell you, that means that you hurt so much that she doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. Otherwise she wouldn't allow me to tell you about it. I'm sorry Alex, but right now if Olivia won't change her mind, your relationship with her is really over."

"Oh my God, what did I do? What the hell happened with that case that it is so worse she doesn't want me to know about it earlier? And that now it's ok?" Alex asks softly almost whispers.

"It's not what happened with the case but what happened to her, Alex. There is a reason why she hates it to being cuffed. And I shouldn't have said in there that I know she doesn't like it. I torpedoed your relationship with saying that, I think. Because you asked if there was something you needed to know. I knew Olivia wouldn't want you to know it. So I said no. But you kept asking. Knowing that there was something. But I couldn't betray her trust. So that's why I kept silent. And she didn't know what to say, so she kept silent. That's why you asked that question. Which blew up in your face. I think to know you that well that you never actually believed what you were asking. But Olivia was already hurt by the memory I cost. And then you actually indirectly told her that you didn't trust her. You and I both know that's the worst thing you can say to Liv. I'm so sorry Alex. I really am. I certainly didn't want this to happen." Casey apologizes.

"Casey, what happened is not your fault. I never should have asked that. I know Liv would never cheat on me. And you would never do that to me. I screwed it up myself. Not you. So what happened to Liv? How bad was it? Tell me, please." Alex asks.

"They couldn't find out who the CO was. So they decided to go undercover. Liv went undercover as an inmate and Fin as an CO. But things went wrong. They already picked on her when things went down. There was an outbreak of TB. And everybody got tested. There was a break down. At first Harris wasn't in the same area but when things got heated he showed up and asked an other guard who cost it. He told him that it was Liv. She was cuffed. He told the guard he would take her to the hole. But he didn't instead he took her to the basement. When they got there Liv saw the mattress and she knew what was going to happen, she screamed for help but nobody heard her. He threw her on the mattress and took his baton and beat her with it. He beat the crap out of her but she fought back and somehow got out of his grip. She run to the other side of the basement and hided there but he found her. He hit her again and he cuffed her to the door of the basement. That's when he sexually assaulted her. Liv begged him not to do it and kept screaming for help. There was nothing she could do she was trapped. She still blames herself for going down with him, that she didn't fought him when they walked the wrong direction for the hole." Casey finishes.

Alex is crying her eyes out in Casey's arms. Horrified with what Casey just told her. Feeling so sorry for what happened to Liv. There is one thing she doesn't know. She doesn't know if the bastard raped her, if she became a victim exactly like her mother.

"Casey, was she... did he..?" Alex tries but she couldn't say it.

Casey knows what she is trying to ask.

"No, he didn't. But he would have if Fin didn't show up the moment he did. He had his pants open and took 'it' out. Told her he would kill her if she bite him. Thank God, Fin came down right in time. He would have raped her if he was 5 minutes later. Nobody except Fin and I know about it. She never told anyone else. Let Fin swear he never would say a thing and never let anyone read the file. Not even Elliot or Cragen. Fin, now you and I are the only that knows. Fighting back is what saved her life. But she doesn't she it that way. She convinced herself that she was weak. That she was a cop, that she could have stopped him, should have. She thinks of it as she was a weak stupid cop. Not the strong and brave Detective she was. That's why she didn't want you to know it. Because she thinks that now you know it you think she was weak too. And she doesn't know how to face you again if you knew. I think the only reason she told me was because I was assaulted in my office and she saved me and stood by me in the hospital. If that never happened I don't think she would ever have told me. She did everything she could to stop him, she fought back and kept him from raping her until Fin came and saved her. But like I said, she doesn't see or feel it that way." Casey says.

"I wished Liv wasn't so hard to herself. I would never see her as weak. She is the strongest woman I've ever met. And knowing she went trough this is killing me. I don't want anyone to have to go trough this. So do you, that's why we are so devoted. We want justice. But Liv going trough this is extra hard. She gets trough everything life is throwing at her. I just want her to be happy. Not needing to fight for so much. And now I only made it worse for her. And I don't now how to make it up. I need her in my life. She's my better half. She completes me. She protects me when I'm in danger and holds me when I'm scared. She makes me happy and she makes me laugh. And I love her more then life itself. More then anyone else. Somehow I need to let her see how much she loves me too. If I want a chance to make it up. I need her to see how much we mean to each other." Alex says.

"I know. But that is easier said then done, Alex." Casey answers.

Alex is thinking for a few minutes when something came up in her mind.

"Casey, I think I now a way. But I need to ask you to do two favors for me. Will you help me, please?" Alex asks.

"Yes of course. What do you need me to do?" Casey asks.

"Liv told me she has Cragen taking a recording from her for me. She had it made in case she wouldn't survive the bomb in her apartment. She told me that she that she said in that video that she love me. I need you to call Cragen. Ask him if he can send that video to your phone. Then I need you to record a video from me for Liv. And show them both to Liv. Can you do that?" Alex asks.

"Yes. I will call Cragen right now. Maybe your idea will work." Casey answers.

"I hope so. But right now I think it the best chance I have." Alex says.

"I think it is too. If I can make her watch her own video and then yours, you might have a chance. But your video has to be as good as your closing statements. If you can make it that good I think maybe you can save your relationship. I'll gonna call Cragen now. You think about what you are gonna say in that video." Casey says.

"Ok. But try not to release to many details if that's possible." Alex answers.

"You've got it." Casey says, walking away to the next bench 50 feet away.

Casey pulls out her cellphone and speed dials Cragen.

"Cragen."

"Don, it's Casey." Casey says.

"Hello Counselor, what can I do for you? How is Olivia doing?"

"Physically she is doing ok. Mentally not. She is being her usual self and surprised and freaked out the Doctor and nurses by waking up. She is awake and clear. She is of the monitors and only has the IV left. They will transfer her back to her own room. How important this news is, it's not the reason I'm calling. I need your help. Olivia and I were joking and I made a wrong comment. I realized it. And Liv and I made a silent agreement not to tell Alex about it. It was obvious that Alex didn't know about it. Now I'm not going into details, not of the conversation and not of the issue. But Alex being an excellent observer noticed that there was something. Olivia told her that it was nothing she need to know and I wisely kept my mouth shut. Alex how ever made a huge mistake in a moment of let's say insanity. Which let to the current situation. Long story short, Liv threw Alex out of her room. Here is why I need your help. Olivia told Alex she had a video made that you recorded. In case she didn't survive the bomb. I need you to send that video to my cellphone. Could you do that for me? Well for Alex and Liv actually. But that's clear for you, I assume." Casey explains.

"Well that is good news. That she is awake I mean. One question. Shouldn't she be in a drug induced coma?" Cragen asks.

"Yes that's correct. She should be, how ever somehow Liv managed to get out of it. They don't know how yet. Her Doctor wants to wait for the Professor. Let her find it out." Casey answers.

"That sounds like Olivia. As for the situation you call about. How bad is it. Did Alex screwed it up?" Cragen asks.

"Without going in details, very bad. And she screwed it up big time. But you have to keep this to yourself. I don't want Liv to know that you know about this. And I also don't want you to give Alex the riot speech about this. It was my fault she got in this situation in the first place. Ok?" Casey says.

"Yes. Fine. I won't talk about it with anyone. And I won't lecture Alex. But if this is your fault you better make it right. Those two belong to each other. All of our lives will be hell if you don't fix this." Cragen answers.

"That's what I'm gonna try to do. And therefore I need that video. The plan is to let Liv watch her own video to Alex and after that to let her watch a video Alex will make. Hoping that will change Liv's mind, remembering her about the love she has for Alex. I'm gonna do everything I can to fix this. I told Alex she need to make a video as good as her closing statements. That should help her." Casey says.

"I hope you are right and it will work. I send you that video right now. Although I don't think you should let Alex watch it. Or maybe you should. She need the best closing statement she ever made or will make. Don't watch it yourself. Olivia will kill both of us if she finds out you watched it. And you know she will know if we are lying about it. That woman is better then Alexandra Cabot on her game to know when somebody is lying." Cragen says.

Casey snickers at his last comment.

"That she is. I don't know how she does it. Even Huang said she was better then anyone he ever met. And he has an education for it. Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate this." Casey answers.

"Yeah well it's about time those two get and stay together. They've be dancing around each other and driving us crazy for over a decade. It's about time they found it out. Take care of them Casey. I know they both are stubborn and hard headed. So, good luck, Counselor. Let me know if it worked." Cragen says.

"I will. Talk to you later. Goodbye." Casey says.

"Goodbye, Novak." Cragen says.

Casey waits on the bench for the video. Two minutes later she has a message. She looks and sees that it's the video. She walks back to the bench Alex is sitting on.

"And? Do you get it?" Alex asks.

"Already have it. Cragen wasn't sure if you should see it. Then he said that maybe you should see it. Getting you on your game for the best closing statement you ever made or will make. His words not mine. Although I have to agree with him. So it's your choice what do you want? See it or not?" Casey asks.

"I want to see it. I think it will do me good to know what she said the last moment before she thought she could die. Do you gonna watch it with me?" Alex answers.

"No. Cragen was right about that. He said that Liv will kill us both if she finds out I saw it. And you know too that she will find out. So I'm gonna sit over that bench again. Let me know when you are done." Casey says.

Casey puts the video on the screen and paused it. Then she hands her phone over to Alex and walks back to the other bench. Alex takes a deep breath and hits the play button.

" Hi Lex. If you see this video it means I didn't make it. I want you to know that my thoughts were with you the last moments of my live. I hope you can forgive me for getting you out of the building so fast. But I couldn't bare the thought you were here and not be safe. You are the most important person in my life, Lex. Now I know at least you are safe. You know Lex? We didn't continued our conversation. The one we were having in my apartment before we left to your office? I tell you now how I feel about you so that you know how I feel about you. I love you Alexandra Cabot. I love you with all my heart. I wished I told you that earlier. But I didn't and now this is the only way you will know. I love you more then life itself. You are the smartest, most intelligent, most cunning, most humorous and most beautiful woman I've ever met. You are sexy as hell. And with your black glasses on you are drop dead gorgeous. You are the best prosecutor New York has. Hell you are the best damn prosecutor this country has. And don't let anyone make believe you otherwise. I know you will be devastated when I'm gone. But just remember. I died as a happy woman. Because I've had you in my life. Take care of yourself Counselor. That's the only thing I wish. I love you Alexandra Cabot! Don't you ever forget that! Goodbye my love."

Alex is overwhelmed with the words Olivia spoke to her. She hits the play button again to hear and see it again. Tears are streaming over her face. After seeing it again, Alex places the cellphone next to her on the bench. Seeing the love deceleration of Olivia makes her regretting asking that question even more. How broken she feels right now she is determined to win Olivia back. She will do anything she needs to do, to win back the brunette. She picks up the cellphone and switch it on video recorder. She takes a deep breath and hits the record button pouring her hear out.

"Hey Liv, I just watched your video. I'm really touched by your words. I love you with all my heart and soul. I fell for you the moment I looked into your eyes for the very first time. You truly are the strongest, most caring, most dedicated, most honest, most devoted, most intelligent, most sexy, most protective and stunningly beautiful woman I've ever met. You think you are way out of my league but the truth is, it's the other way around. You are way out of my league. You are everything I wished I could be. You are so beautiful inside and outside. I don't know what to do without you in my live. You ruined me for everyone else. Because there is nobody on this planet that could be equal to you. Not even close. You are my everything. Without you in my life it's meaningless. I don't know why I did it. I trust you with my life, my heart and my soul. And I know you would never do something to hurt me. I did the worst thing I could do and I will regret it and pay for it the rest of my life. Because you are the most important person in my life. I know that from now on every time I think about you or see you I die a little inside, because I lost the most precious person, most precious thing there is on this planet, in this world and that is YOU. I know there is nothing I can do to erase this. That can make it up. But I have try it. Try to make it up to in every way I can. I need to hope that I get a chance some day. I hope that some day you will be able to forgive me, even if it is a small part. Without you I'm lost. I will never be the same. I will never be complete. To be complete I need the better part of me and that is you. I will always love you till the day I die. Goodbye my everything. Goodbye my love."

Alex stops recording and saves the video on Casey's cellphone. She places it back on the bench again. Pulling her legs under her chin, Alex stares in front of her. Without actually seeing something. She hopes this will be enough to get a chance but she isn't sure. Right now Alexandra Cabot isn't sure about anything. From the other bench Casey is keeping an eye on the blonde ADA. Giving her some space. They sit like that for about 15 minutes. Alex staring in front of her and Casey keeping an eye on her. After 15 minutes Casey decides it's time to go back and sit next to blonde. She walks back to the bench Alex is sitting on and sit down next to her. She says nothing. She's just waiting for Alex being ready to talk. After a few minutes Alex looks up and looks at Casey.

"Are you ok?" Casey asks softly.

"No I'm not. I don't think I will be soon. Not without Liv." Alex whispers back.

"I know you are hurt. If and I say IF Liv don't change her mind it's gonna take a while before you will feeling better. But that's not what I think will happen. Liv is stubborn and hard headed but she loves you Alex. She needs some time to think this over. But I'm sure that when she comes to her senses she will be just as miserable as you are. You are her whole world. She is gonna blame herself for hurting you. She probable is trying to make herself believing that she doesn't deserve you. Give her some time, after she's seen the video's she will get thinking about all of this. Now what do you say if you make that video now?" Casey answers.

"I already did that. I saved it on your cellphone. I made it after I played Liv's video twice." Alex answers.

"If you did it after watching hers then I doubt Liv won't change her mind. It probably is heartbreaking because it come right out your heart. Now what do you say if we go back to the hospital, we can wait there for Liv to call me. I suggest you stick around, because after she sees your video, she probably wants to get up and look for you. And there is nothing I can do to stop her if she does. So are we going back, Counselor?" Casey asks.

"Yes let go back. Even if I can't be inside Liv's room I want to be close to her. As close as I can be for now." Alex answers.

Casey takes her cellphone and puts it back in her pocket. Both ladies get up and they start walking back to the hospital. They are back to Olivia's room 10 minutes later. They ask a nurse who is walking by for two chairs. The nurse is back after a minute with to chairs. Alex and Casey take a seat and are waiting for Olivia to call Casey. Hoping that it won't take to long before the Detective calls for her. As more times goes by Alex is getting more restless and she is pacing in the corridor. After 15 minutes Casey has enough of it. Alex starts getting on her nerves.

"Cabot, sit down. You are burning holes in the floor pacing around like this." Casey says.

"What is taking so long?" Alex asks impatient.

"Maybe she is asleep. She is on medication. She has had two major surgeries in two days. She must be exhausted." Casey answers.

"I know she has. But knowing Liv she isn't asleep. She is to stubborn for that after what happened. Can't you go to her? Knock on the door and ask of you may come inside?" Alex asks almost whines.

"I can do that. If you stop pacing around, you are making me nervous with it." Casey answers.

"Ok. I promise I stop pacing in front of you if you ask her. But if she let's you inside you can't make me stop doing it." Alex says.

"Fine. Now get your ass in that chair, Cabot." Casey says.

Alex sits down in her chair. Casey knock on Olivia's door.

"Who is there?" Olivia asks.

"It's me, Casey. May I come inside?" Casey asks.

"Yes. Come inside, Counselor." Olivia answers.

Casey looks at Alex.

"Good luck, Novak." Alex says.

"Thanks, Cabot. I think I'm gonna need it. I'll come back as soon as I can." Casey answers and opens the door and goes inside Olivia's room.

"Hey." Olivia says.

"Hey yourself. How are feeling? Physically." Casey asks.

"Like I almost got blowing up and shot twice." Olivia answers sarcastically.

"You remember that?" Casey asks enthusiastically.

"Yes. I remember it now. I remember everything again. Thanks to Alex." Olivia answers.

"What has Alex to do with it?" Casey asks.

She is getting some hope. Olivia wasn't sarcastic when she answered. So hat makes Casey think that at least Alex is not a forbidden topic.

"The look in her eyes when she asked me what was wrong. She had that same panicked look in her eyes when that car exploded with the Velez case. Remembering that explosion made me remember the explosion when that bomb went of in my apartment. And the rest followed after that" Olivia explains.

"Oh Liv. That's amazing news. I'm so happy that you remember it. I know you will recover completely now." Casey answers.

"Yes I think that too. It will be a long road I think. Mostly mentally." Olivia says, opening a door for Casey without knowing it.

"Liv, I've got something I want you to look at. No I need you to look at. But I want you not to react until you've seen it all. Ok?" Casey asks.

Olivia raises an eyebrow questioningly.

"What do you have on your sleeves, Novak?" Olivia asks.

"Do you trust me?" Casey asks.

"Yes of course do I trust you. You know that I trust you." Olivia answers.

"Trust me too now." Casey answers.

"Ok. But only because it's you who's asking. Now show me what you want me to look at." Olivia says.

Casey pulls out her cellphone and searches for the video that Cragen has send to her. When she found it she gives Olivia her phone she pulls out a headset from her pocket and pulls the plug in then she hands them too to Olivia, she waits until the Detective has put the headset in and touches the play button. Olivia wants to react but one glare from Casey stops her from doing it. She watches the whole video and then hands back the cellphone to Casey.

"I have something else I want you to look at. The only thing I'm gonna say is that you might think differently about your recovering after that. Now again don't say a word before you have seen it." Casey says.

"That's a lot you are asking here, Counselor. And a lot of trust you are asking from me." Olivia answers.

"I know. Just do it. Humor me and just do it. For the record I haven't seen what I'm about to show you. Nor have I seen the video you just watched." Casey replies.

"Fine. I don't say anything until I'm done with what ever it is you want me to look at. And thank you for not watching it." Olivia agrees.

Casey now searches for Alex's video. When she has found it she gives the phone back at Olivia and hits the play button again. Olivia looks back at the screen and sees Alex.

The video stopped and Olivia plays it again. Wanting to see Alex again. She regretted what she has done. Sending the blonde out of room. Now she is angry and happy at the same time. Angry at herself for what she said and had done to Alex. And happy with the video Alex made for her. She is crying but doesn't care about. Doesn't care that Casey can see her crying. All she wants is seeing Alex again. She watches the video again. When it's finished she pulls the headset out and gives both items back at Casey. She takes a moment to get herself back together and then she looks at Casey.

"She still loves me? After how I treated her, she still loves me? Does she still wants to be with me? Pursuing a relationship?" Olivia asks, surprised and hopeful.

"Yes she does. She loves you and she wants you. Now I know you blame yourself for what you did, as she is blaming herself for what she has done. There is nothing you can do about that. You can't turn back the time. What you can do is forgive yourself and each other. Go further were you left off. Love each other and be together." Casey answers.

The words Casey just said spurs Olivia in action. She throws of the blankets and tries to get up and out of her bed.

"Olivia Benson, what the hell do you think you are doing? You need to stay in bed, Detective. You've been shot twice, almost blew up and you have had two major surgeries." Casey says.

"I'm going to look for Alex. I know she didn't left this hospital. I know she is here somewhere. I'm going to get her back in this room. That's what's I'm doing. And in order to do that I need to get out of this bed." Olivia answers, sitting at the edge of her bed and standing up.

"Stay here. I'm gonna get her here." Casey says.

"No, you're not. She was, correct, is MY girlfriend and I'm gonna look for her myself." Olivia answers.

"BENSON, GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THAT BED. ALEX IS RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR ROOM." Casey yells, hoping that it will causing Alex to get in the room.

Olivia doesn't listen, of course, and is being her usually stubborn self. She pushes herself of her bed and starts walking to the door of her room, when she hears Casey yelling that Alex is right outside. She keeps walking and yells herself.

"ALEX! ALEX! LEX, COME BACK HERE, PLEASE." Olivia yells.

Just when Olivia reaches the door, Alex burst inside.