Chapter Fourteen – Misconception
Title: Through the Window Came the Wind
Author : lifelesslyndsey
Disclaimer: It might not mah sandbox, but I'm building castles. But I'm not profiting from them.
Pairing: SamxBella
Rating: NC-17
Warning: language, and adult concepts in probably graphic citrusy detail.
Summary: He fought to do what was expected of him and she did the opposite. If love was less about finding that perfect someone, and more about finding that someone who makes you perfect, you never know who you might find. Love might bring out the best in us, but first, it brings out the worst.
A/N Spanked this one out myself, so all mistakes are mine. PM me if you see an GLARING ERRORS. Please let me know in a pm, if you could, and I'll get on fixing them.
A/N Pay attention to Red's reaction to everything in this chapter, because this might be what you were waiting for.
Stupidity is a talent for misconception.
Edgar Allan Poe
"Damn Sam," Embry said on Thursday, discolored plastic Tupperware heavy with food in his hand. It smelled familiar, which meant this wasn't just a friendly mission. He was here on orders from my mother, and as it was Embry specifically, there was little doubt my momma knew I was...pinning, for lack of a better word.
Add to the fact that my mother and I had yet to talk since the day after the solstice festival, making for our longest standing fight to date, there was no wonder she'd called on him to storm the proverbial gates. Embry was the go-to-man for all things profoundly unmanly and uncomfortably emotional. It probably made him a bigger asset to the pack then Paul and his protective streak. As a pack of over muscled werewolves with anger problems, we certainly had more emotional issues then ass-kicking ones. "You look like shit."
"And they call you charming," I castigated, grunting roughly as I scratched at three days worth of stubble on my chin. It was exiting stubble territory and entering the land of homeless-man beard. Sleeping on a bed of sticks didn't make for the most productive mornings; I'd been camping on the edge of Red's back yard for days now. "You taking orders from my Momma now?" I asked, peeling this lid off of what looked like an entire meatloaf. I couldn't remember the last time I ate; my stomach clenched at the sight of food.
While I had expected some reaction to Red's distance, it hadn't been in the realm of anything this extreme. I felt immobilized by her absence, as if I'd be frozen till she returned. Apparently, I required closer contact then she did she'd gone a little crazy yes, but I was crippled this time. It felt like fear but it wasn't, and yet it paralyzed me all the same. It was terrifying, to lose my control. I desperately wanted her to come back to the Rez; I hadn't said shecouldn't, only suggested that she shouldn't. But she never came; apparently this was a lesson she wanted to learn.
"Dude," Embry said, tossing a fork at me. I caught it with ease, spearing the still warm virtual brick of slightly undercooked meat; just the way I liked it. "That thing you still don't want to talk about that starts with 'im' and ends with 'print'?" I had to appreciate that he had the courtesy to ask, even though we both full well knew this was about Red. "Is it really worth all this suffering?"
He didn't understand, having not imprinted himself. She was worth any amount of suffering. I'd do almost anything for her to be better, to feel better. I wanted it more then I wanted to breathe; the need was stiffling. I'd do anything for her; forcing us both to suffer for her betterment not withstanding. In the end, I could only hope that the means justified the ends; was the journey worth the destination, was the juice worth the squeeze? Picturing a happy Red, with or without me, made me believe that it would.
Tearing myself from my endless pathetic navel-gazing I humphed, shoving a forkful of potatoes in my mouth. They were instant, and I figured that was my punishment for not having come to my mother with whatever had me in a funk sooner. I made a face but ate them anyway, taking my time before swallowing. "It's necessary." I just wanted her to think, to realize what was important to her and why it was so important. With that realization came respect, not for me but for herself.
"Is it?" Embry asked, giving me a shrewd look. "Cause' from what I hear, that thing we're not going to talk about, she ain't doing so hot right now either."
"Necessary," I repeated more firmly, stabbing the meat loaf with a somewhat vicious jab. "It's not like I can just...just come out and say it. Not with the way things are. An imprint is pretty much the last thing she needs right now."
"I get that," Embry said, and I didn't doubt that he did. "With the way things are, it would just blow up. Ten steps backwards for every two steps fore. I know what your doing; easing into things. You're giving her something besides yourself, something before yourself. But I don't get the separation. What good is it doing?"
Ignoring him, I pushed all the green beans to one end of the square tuppaware, as if they'd contaminate the rest of my dinner. I hated greenbeans; this was just another tiny punishment via the mother. Twenty-four years old and she was still trying to enforce the eat-your-vegetables rule.
He sighed, a loud and grating sound in the quiet kitchen. It reminded me of Red, and I had to suppress the urge to stab him. "So, you're giving her time to...miss you."
"I'm giving her time to miss the Rez," I argued, taking a pointed bite. He didn't look like he believed it. It wasn't as if it wasn't true, but there were whole-truths and then there were halves. In this case, I was more particular to the latter. The whole truth made me look like the desperate little fool I was.
Emby nodded eventually. "It's bigger then you and her in your eyes, isn't it? It's not just about her being your imprint, being the cheifs wife or whatever," he asked eventually. "Because she's different. Because she's...acclimated. She'll never just be your imprint,or your wife."
At the rate shit was going, she'd probably never be the latter.
"Because she's broken," I snapped. "And what does that mean for me, Em? That I would imprint on some one so fucking bitter and impossible? Why did I deserve that? She's so hurt, and she's so childish, and I am doing every thing I can, everything that feels right. I push when she needs it, I'm there even when she doesn't, but she's pulling me in so many directions and I can only bend so much before breaking. She needs so much; a protector, a guardian, a second-opinion, a voice of reason, a friend, a foe, and a some serious fucking anger management! I can only do so much, but I'd do anything for her, even if it fucking kills me, because...imprint aside, Red has so much potential. She could be so happy, but...instead she's this...this angry little shrew, to be frank. What the hell did I do wrong to earn this?"
"She's not a punishment, Sam." Embry seemed about as taken aback by my outburst as I did. Red had that effect; she brought out the worst in me. "I think...that it isn't a matter what you did to deserve her, as it is a matter of...what you need, and what she needs?"
"And what could I possibly get from the little harpy? I've had a lot of problems but a bitch was never one," I asked, cocking a brow,and Embry sent me a look that was anything but amused. "Okay, that was unnecessarily mean, but she is a bitch, Em. If it wasn't true, I don't think I could say it. She's been nothing but impossible from the moment I picked her up on the side of that fucking road, sopping wet and bitching a mile a minute. And I'm not saying I don't deserve some of it but... She badmouths me, my people, my tribe, my land, my life. I can't be expected to just stand there while she takes a shit on everything important to me, including herself. She just... just comes into my life and upends everything, Embry! Everything! I was happy as I was, I was content!"
"You were a doormat."
"What?" I stopped short, fork bent in my hand where I had clenched too hard.
"You heard me," Embry said with a shrug. "You were a doormat, Sam. Every one walked all over you. This tribe is yours, but you won't take it. You let the Elders walk all over you. You let every one walk all over you. But since you've met her...things have changed. You're willing to say what needs to be said, and do what needs to be done for her. To her even, if that's what she needs. You've always been strong Sam, but now you're... you'er a damn beast."
"And that's what she deserves, then?" I asked after a long pause. "An ass hole?"
"It's not about deserving anything!" Embry snarled throwing up his hands in a rare moment of frustration. "It's about need. You need to grow a fucking back bone and she needs to grow the fuck up. And you're doing that...together. You told High Councilmen Altera to shove it up his ass Sam, when he wanted to ban Bella from the Rez. You didn't even point out that he couldn't because as an Imprint, she's tribe. You simply told him no, as is your right as chief."
"It wasn't right of me to call him out like I did," I argued, embarrassed. "They deserve more respect then that."
"You deserve more respect then that!" Embry snapped. "You didn't just put your life on pause like the rest of the pack has, managing school and a life outside of our duties. You set your life aside for it; for us, for the tribe. You're our Leader, and you deserve more respect then those ancient fucking ass-clowns give you. They don't know what you've sacrificed. They never considered your dreams or goals or plans. They might know the stories, but they have never lived being a wolf. You're not a solider to fall in line, Sam. They don't get to tell you what to do."
I stared at him, mouth dry as my heart hammered in my chest. "And Red, she's going to... to help me grow a back bone then?" I asked, mustering up as much sarcasm as I could. Talking about her made me miss her. It wasn't easy being so hard on her when half of me just wanted to love her and let that be the end of it. Nothing, however, was ever that easy. Big bad wolves aside, this wasn't a fairy tale.
Embry shrugged off my sudden awkwardness and raked his hand through his hair. "You're the first to tell her to sit down and shut up. You're the only one she listens too."
"She doesn't listen to me," I laughed, rolling my eyes. If she listened to me, I was the Queen of fucking France.
"She does when it matters," Embry replied quietly. "We've all seen it. You tell her to get in the house, she goes. You tell her to shut up, she shuts up. You askher not to come here till Friday, and she doesn't. Whats that say to you?"
~000~
Friday breezed in with a bitter wind but remained surprisingly dry. I'd been up since four when I left Red's back yard, staring at the door over cooling cups of coffee. I was prepared for her hostility; I wasn't prepared for anything else, in fact. So when she knocked politely on my door, I was taken by surprise.
"Door's open," I called back, taking a sip from my luke warm cup. She stepped in, shivering in her red hoodie and I frowned. She looked unmistakably good. Her hair was shiny and clean, pinned back at the sides and falling down her back in smooth, natural curls I'd never seen free. Her face was bright, cheeks bitten pink by the wind outside; she looked pale, but less tired.
She looked better.
It made me angry. I'd hardly slept since Sunday, and I'd only bothered to shower this morning, but here she stood looking better then I'd ever seen her. Even her clothes were different. Well not so different, but clean and better-fitted. She peeled of her jacket, hanging it on one of the high hooks, and tugged awkwardly at the hem of her thin, cream colored t-shirt. It looked new and that just made me more mad for reasons I couldn't even comprehend.
She looked great.
"Morning," she said congenially, toe scuffing the floor in a irritatingly demure motion. Demure. My Red, demure.
I seethed, rather irrationally.
"Morning," I replied in monotone, swallowing back my ridiculous outrage. Had she felt nothing at all? I had thought she'd at least miss La Push; she seemed to be attached to it. But she looked better for the time spent away and I hated that.
"So...whats the plan?"
I looked out the window just in time to see the Pack trudging through my mothers back yard, book-bags slung over their shoulders. "You're going to be tutoring the boys," I said without any preamble, and she frowned. "Jake, Embry, and Quill have home work for summer school. Right now I think the main focus is on English and geography. Jared is studying for his GED, and Paul is studying for his construction licensing. Pay close attention to Paul, if you could. He's dyslexic, not stupid, so be patient. He'll just need help going through the practice exams."
"How long do I have to help?" she asked, her tone turning slightly pissy, as I had expected.
"Till one," I replied shortly.
"No I mean, like...how many days?" she said, brown eyes rolling so hard she should have fell over.
"Just today." I stared at the spot behind her ear, my shoulders tense. The punishment was also a test and not even an unusual one for Quiluete custom, but that outcome was yet to be seen. It was up to her.
"My punishment is four hours of tutoring?" She asked flatly, hands on her hips. She reminded me of my momma like that, if only for a moment, but I shook the thought aside. "You're not taking this serious, Sam. Harry said I had to give back two-fold."
Pride niggled, tainting my anger. Perhaps she'd had a moment of clarity while she was gone after all, although clearly not the one I had been expecting. Still, I supposed it was something.
But like everything else, it wasn't what I wanted. It was never what I fucking wanted. I could live with that, as I did with every thing else. I'd push on, keep going; if I stopped, I'd be forced to really feel what was pushing in on the edges of my tight control and that never did any one good.
"This is Billy's reparation," I explained. "He asked that you apologize to the people for taking from their history. By tutoring the boys, you're helping to promise a better future to the Rez."
"Four hours?"
Nodding, I took another drink from my cup, tasting pure bitterness that had nothing to do with the coffee. "Yep," I said, just as the Pack pushed their way into the kitchen, bleary eyed and irritable. "Morning boys," I greeted, without giving Red a sideways glance. "Breakfast is in the living room. Make sure the girl gets some."
It shouldn't have hurt so bad, the way she flinched when I said girl, but it did. No vindication without pain, apparently.
Embry caught my soft hostility and frowned. "You hanging around, Sam?" He asked, dropping his bag on the couch.
"I'll be out front chopping wood for Momma," I said, walking past Red, feeling every pair of eyes snap me. I didn't need to chop wood; the breeze was cool, but the air was warm. Chopping wood was my personal standard euphemism for 'leave me the hell alone', and every one of my wolves knew it.