My Hatred, My Obsession

Chapter 2: How I Move Forward

For an unknown span of time, Kagome stared up at the ceiling above her, seeing but not seeing. She floated somewhere between sleep and awareness, disoriented and uncertain of whether she really was alive or if the afterlife sported rows upon rows of straw and eroding wood. Her eyes examined the dented frail panels holding the ceiling together, and she wondered how nothing more than straw and dried clay could possibly keep the aging thing from falling apart.

When her thoughts grew more coherent, she noted that she'd never seen this ceiling before, and that realization set fire to a prickly tumbleweed of panic that forced her to sit up and examine her surroundings. Immediately, her arm and shoulder exploded in a rash of agony. She doubled over instinctively, but the movement only made things worse. Biting the inside of her mouth to keep quiet, Kagome flinched at the taste of blood.

Images assailed her senses, memories of red frigid water sloshing into her mouth and of wood and stone breaking her body. She examined the carefully wrapped splint on on her arm and unwrapped the bandaging to take a look at how bad the damage was. A sharp gasp followed suit, and she hurried to put the gauze and linen back in place. She didn't want to face the horror of what she saw just then, and the implications that came with it.

Instead, she staggered to her feet and limped towards the entrance of the hut, wanting to get her bearings and understand where she was. The interior of this place reminded her a bit of Kaede's home, but the structural style of the hut was quite different. A part of her hoped that Inuyasha had found her somehow, though she knew the chances of that were slim to none. The night of the storm — however long ago that was — she'd wandered far from camp before the creature attacked her. And the river had been moving so fast. For all she knew, she could have been washed downstream half way to another province.

Parting the bead curtain that served as a door to the hut, Kagome flinched away from the bright warm rays of sunlight. Before her, a village sprawled out, wrecked and ripped apart. Though most of the houses were built on stilts to keep them higher up off the ground, the flood had broken them. It looked like a scene out of one of Kagome's history books: gray and devoid of color, surrounded by an atmosphere of sadness and loss.

Despite the carnage, the cloudless blue sky and gently swaying trees made up a perfect picture of blissful ignorance. Birds flew in the sky, courting each other in flight and chirping singsong melodies of cheer and excitement. How unfair that nature could recover so quickly after throwing such a deadly tantrum. How cruel that such a painfully happy and peaceful picture could be a backdrop to destruction and suffering.

Between the dancing trees, people milled about, gathering up what was left of their livelihood. Men carried bundles of broken wood and shattered stone, covered head to toe in mud as they tried to salvage what they could of ruined homes and broken fences. Fields of crops as far as the eye could see were flooded, disfigured into cesspools of destroyed vegetables and plants. Women talked amongst themselves, carrying large baskets of mud-covered kimonos, linens, and futons.

Wherever this place was, the floods and landslides had taken their toll. Kagome frowned, picking at the ragged edges of her bandages. At home, she'd only seen a flood of this magnitude happen once, but things hadn't been this serious. The future had technology and a system of support in place to help people in these kinds of situations. She thought of her broken well and shuddered, wondering if she was doomed to stay in this world where people died so easily to the whims of nature.

"You're awake, priestess," a voice said from her right. Kagome turned to see an older frail looking woman approach her. She was dressed in a plain blue yukata. Once brown eyes were whitened with age, grey hair braided into a long rope that hung down past her hips. Her smile melted away Kagome's initial wariness, though the girl kept her guard up just in case. She let the woman take her hand, feeling how rough and calloused her skin was from long years of manual labor.

"Are you the one who saved me?" Kagome asked.

"Well," the woman smiled, "it was my husband who found you, but I am the one who tended to your wounds." She nodded towards Kagome's splint.

"Thank you." Kagome did her best to smile. "How long have I been here? And…" she glanced around again, "where is here, exactly?"

"Before we talk of anything else, please come and eat something. Your body needs strength to heal."

Kagome wanted to protest. She didn't like not knowing where she was. If there was anything the Feudal Era had taught her, it was to always analyze every situation for danger and possible pitfalls. The absence of the comforting weight of her bow made her heart beat sluggishly in her chest. The slightest sound caught her attention, and she regularly looked over her shoulder as though looking for a threat. No spiritual power came to her hand when she called for it, and all of that put together left Kagome feeling as helpless as a rabbit in a snare.

The woman led her into a different hut, where Kagome was surprised to see a set of futons laid out all across the floor. People lay in them, their breathing slow and ragged. Kagome wrinkled her nose, smelling healing salves and sickness. Holes in the ceiling dripped water onto the ground, releasing click clack clinks that echoed in the silence.

"So many injured," Kagome murmured. "Did all of this happen in the storm?"

"Yes," the old woman nodded. "It is unfortunate, but we will recover as we always have."

"Always?"

"Floods and storms hit our village often."

Kagome was taken aback. "This sort of thing happens a lot?"

"It does."

"Then…why haven't you moved?"

"This village has been our home for generations. It holds a sacred power, a spark of the divine. We protect the shrines on the borders. If we left, they would be destroyed or defiled."

Kagome's frown deepened, but she didn't say anything. She knew how superstitious and religious people were in this era. Not that superstition was completely unfounded. The things and creatures she'd encountered here were beyond her wildest imagination, but clinging to something possibly intangible at the cost of innocent lives was foolish. Still, she didn't want to offend the person who'd saved her life.

The woman led her into a separate room in the hut, where she motioned for Kagome to sit on a small mat. She set a tray of food in front of her. Not much — some rice and a bit of fish —but a simple meal had never looked so divine as it did in that moment.

"You have been asleep for almost two weeks, priestess. Your injuries were grave." The woman's eyes flickered to Kagome's shoulder. "I assume that you are a priestess. Your clothes suggested it, as did the bow you carried."

"The bow?" Kagome's interest was piqued. She finished munching on a bite of fish and blinked at the woman. "You found my bow?"

For a moment, the old woman's eyes lowered to the ground. She stood up and walked out of the room, returning promptly with an object in her hands. Kagome's stomach dropped, a wave of nausea sapping her strength.

"I'm sorry," the woman said in a low respectful tone.

Kagome shook her head, standing up and taking the now shattered bow into her hands. Kikyo's legacy. The final mission she'd entrusted to Kagome on her deathbed. This was the weapon meant to help them defeat Naraku. And now, on top of her losing her spiritual powers, the sacred bow was broken. Once, she'd looked upon it in reverence, feeling unworthy of even carrying such a thing. After all, what could a high school girl from the future do with a weapon meant for a powerful priestess?

Now, the wood looked frail and old. The string hung like a tattered ribbon on a hundred-year-old antique decoration, the once powerful and sacred carvings etched into the limbs now resembled scratches and tears in dying tree branches. Tears stung Kagome's eyes, but she held them back with iron will. Embarrassing herself in front of strangers would only make her feel more pathetic. Later, when she was alone, she could mourn her terrible losses.

"I can sense how this affects you," the woman said. "For now, worry only about getting well. Not all is lost, priestess." She placed a gentle hand on the side of Kagome's face and urged her to look into her eyes. "I am called Rika. May I know your name?"

"Kagome…Higurashi…"

"I am old, and in my life, I have seen and learned many things. The most important lesson, I have found, is to take small steps forward when faced with obstacles so that we do not fall backwards." She gestured to Kagome's tray of unfinished food. "Recovering is the first step. Then, we will see what can be done about your bow."

"It isn't just a bow," Kagome protested. "You can't just put it back together with superglue and hope it works…"

"Please, sit. Let me tell you everything I can about what's happened to you first. Small steps, child."

Still worried and unreasured by Rika's words, Kagome nevertheless sat down to finish her meal. While she ate, Rika told her more about the floods and landslides in the area. Her husband, Shinjiro, was out inspecting the damage to the fields closer to the river banks when he came across Kagome's body. He rushed to the village to try and save her. Though Rika did everything she could, Kagome's injuries were severe enough that she feared the girl would never be able to recover.

"I am not one to hide the truth from anyone, so I will tell you this now. The chances of your shoulder ever healing properly are very small."

Kagome paused mid-bite.

"You need to take great care in caring for those bones, or you will never be able to lift your arm higher than your waist. I'm sure you understand what that means…"

"Yes," Kagome said, her voice scratchy from the sudden lump in her throat. "It means I'll never be able to use a bow again."

"Nothing is certain, but I wanted to impress upon you the importance of the next few weeks. You must rest, and you must focus only on getting well. This is for your future, Kagome."

With those ominous words out in the open, Rika stood and left Kagome alone with her gloomy thoughts. With a sigh, Kagome put down her chopsticks and pushed the tray of food away from her. She couldn't taste anything, and if she ate any more, she might vomit. Why was all of this happening now, at the most crucial of moments in all of their lives?

First, her powers vanished. And now, she couldn't even wield her weapon. Not to mention, she still had no idea what the dark creature possessing her was or if it would return. It probably thought she was dead, and that's why she hadn't seen it so far. But, what if it found out she was alive? What if it possessed her again? Would she be a danger to the innocents in this village, too?

A sudden thought made her peel away her kimono from her left shoulder. There, like a traitorous brand, a violet crescent moon marked her pale skin. So, that hadn't been a dream. She'd cast some sort of subduing spell on Sesshoumaru, their most fragile and volatile of allies. Fear and remorse filled her at once, fighting for dominance. What would he do to her if he came across her again? What would happen if her weakness in fighting against the creature would end with him turning into their enemy once more?

There had to be a way out of this. All this time fighting Naraku, she'd promised to herself she would become as strong as she needed to be to fight on equal ground with her friends. She'd promised to stay by Inuyasha's side and complete the Jewel to take responsibility for what she'd done. All of that would be null and void if she gave up now.

Running a frustrated hand through her hair, Kagome made her way outside. She walked among the villagers, watching as they worked hard to piece their lives back together. When something caught her attention, she walked over to a group of men gathering broken pieces of wood together and molding them with clay back into the walls of their home.

"Lady Priestess," one of them greeted her with a bright smile she wouldn't have expected from a man who'd just lost so much. "All of us were so happy t'hear you'd woken up from your sleep. Are ya feelin' better now?"

Touched by his sincerity, Kagome smiled back. "I'm alright, thanks to Rika's care." She pointed to the wall. "You're using broken pieces? Won't that make the wall weaker? Shouldn't you throw the old stuff away and use new wood?"

"Oh no," the man shook his head. "It's the opposite. We've learned o'er the years this clay sticks better to wood that isn't cut fresh. If we gather smaller pieces of broken wood, the jagged edges help the clay. The walls get stronger that way."

His cheerfulness grated on her. "Aren't you upset that you've lost your home?"

"Of course we are," the man answered, his face showing no sign of anger. "But e'ry flood or landslide teaches us something' new. The village comes out stronger, just like these walls." He patted the mud with his hand.

"You don't think it's a burden, living here? You don't feel helpless? Rika said you were protecting something. Are you staying because she asks you to?"

The man pursed his lips outward, scratching his chin and smearing mud all over it. "Helpless? Maybe sometimes. But, in the end, we know we can't control nature and all. All we can do is get stronger. Build stronger walls, higher stilts. It's just the way o' life here. Suppose we all got different reasons. Lady Rika saved all o' us one way or another. We lose crops and houses, but aren't all o' those things just…things? Guess for me, what I found 'ere makes it worth it."

He nodded with his head toward a crowd of women, pointing out a young girl smiling and giggling with her friends as they picked more dirty clothes and items off the ground.

"I met my wife 'ere. Never thought a man like me deserved somethin' so lovely. But…" he shrugged, "guess life has a funny way of workin' out."

The loving look of adoration in his eyes made Kagome shrink back. She knew that look all too well, and the sight of it made her ill. How many times had Inuyasha looked at his revived priestess that way? And the night Kagome had wandered off in tears…he'd looked at herthat way and called her Kikyo. She tried to tell herself that it was dark; maybe he hadn't seen her properly. And now that she wore priestess garb, maybe he'd made a mistake. But her heart screamed that that was no excuse. He knew her scent. He was just too deep in grief to think rationally.

Kagome brought a hand to her chest, where her fingers clutched at her robes. She felt dizzy; breathing became difficult. She fought the bitter sting within, but the pain of that moment lingered, fresh and raw like the wounds on her body.

Children ran through the filthy streets, throwing balls of mud at each other and laughing as though the flood hadn't changed a thing. Their mothers chased them down, scolding them for their recklessness and holding them close, promising a delicious treat for dinner if they behaved.

Her heart throbbed, heavy as stone. A memory of the creature's voice caressed her thoughts with cruel gentleness.

Why are you resisting this? What do you have left to fight for? The well is broken. You cannot go home…

"Lady Priestess? You alright? You've gone pale as a ghost."

"I'm fine, thank you. I think I'll return to Rika and see if I can help tend to any of the injured."

She bowed, unwilling to see or hear any more, and headed for the hut where she'd seen the rows of injured in their futons. If she didn't do something useful now, she thought she might break down.

Rika agreed to her request with caution. She warned Kagome not to push herself. At most, she allowed her mix the salves and powders needed to treat superficial wounds. Still, it was something to keep her busy while Kagome worked out what she would do next. The villager's words stuck with her. If something broken could be used to make something stronger, perhaps she could try to find a way to repair Kikyo's bow. It was a long shot, but it was better than sitting around wallowing in self pity. At the very least, doing something would help her avoid darker thoughts.

She spoke with Rika about this, and to her surprise, the woman had information to offer that changed everything.

"There is a bow maker who used to live in our village. He is supremely skilled at his work and has made many bows considered sacred and infused with power. In order to perfect his art, he decided to live on his own on the mountain not far from here. Perhaps he may be able to help you. However," she cautioned, "the villages on the way to the mountains are rumored to have been attacked."

"Attacked? By demons?"

"Or humans. Lately, noble lords and their vassals have been seen in common villages, searching for something. We are isolated here, and merchants only visit once a month to trade. We aren't caught up with the happenings in these parts. However, you must be careful to avoid those villages unless you are struggling for supplies or need shelter. It's too dangerous now that…" her voice trailed off. Rika looked away, and Kagome knew why she'd stopped.

"You know, don't you?" Kagome asked. "That I have no power. And now I can't even fight."

"I know because once, I was a priestess myself."

Kagome raised her brows at this.

"Yes. I was priestess to a noble house when a demon attacked our estates. I tried to fight it and nearly lost my life. When I awakened, I had none of my previous strength. I still don't know what happened, but I recognize the look on your face. I saw it when I looked in the mirror after what happened to me."

Kagome stayed silent.

"The first step is forgiveness. For yourself. You must understand that this isn't the end for you. Also, I do sense that our situations are different. For some reason, your powers have been sealed, but they are not gone. You must find the reason, but you can do that only by first understanding yourself. I don't need enhanced senses to see that you are lost and confused, my child."

"I guess I've just had a lot of bad luck lately," Kagome sighed. "In any case, thank you for everything. I can't stay here, though. I have to leave right away. I don't know how I'll get there, but I need to find this bow maker as soon as I can."

Without a word, Rika settled her hand gently over Kagome's bandaged shoulder. "Remember what I said, Kagome. You must take care, or you will not be able to regain your full strength. Do what you think is best, but do not push yourself past your limits."

"I understand," Kagome smiled. "Thank you again, Rika."

"Perhaps one day, we will see each other again. I hope that, by that time, you will be whole once more."

They spent the rest of the day packing, preparing some light supplies and traveling gear for Kagome's dangerous journey. It was around mid-day that Kagome's senses began to tug at her subconscious. It started with a feeling that something wasn't right and escalated into a heavy sense of dread that wouldn't leave her at peace.

Was it a warning? Could the creature have found her? Or was it something worse? Whatever the case, she wanted to get away from the village as soon as possible. Risking their lives wasn't something she was about to consent to, even if it meant that she would have to leave in the middle of the night. Fortunately, she managed to keep her unease off her face, so that when Rika and the rest of the village retired for the night, she was able to slip away unseen.

Armed with fresh sandals and clothes to keep her warm and comfortable, Kagome walked through the nearby woods with a single torch in hand, determined to put as much distance between herself and the village as possible. It was here, in the middle of a small clearing on the edge of a lake, that she finally understood what the dark presence on the edge of her thoughts represented.

She turned around and lowered her torch, raising her chin to hide her fear. Squaring her shoulders, she subconsciously wrapped her hands around the grip of her broken bow, praying for the strength and resolve to face this moment.

"I know you're there," she called in a quavering voice. "Please come out now. There's no reason for you to hide."

A figure stepped out from the darkness of the dense trees. Though clouds obscured the moon, she could still make out the figure's face. A shudder ran down her spine. Suddenly, the crescent moon mark on her shoulder seemed to throb in response to the adrenaline coursing through her veins. It felt heavy, like a giant had decided to put all its weight on her shoulder just then.

"Sesshoumaru," she whispered. "How did you find me?"

He continued moving forward without a word until he stood just in front of her, towering above her and blocking out the meager moonlight. Her instinct screamed for her to run, but she knew that no matter how quick she was, she could never escape him. Powers dead. Bow shattered. Bones broken and body bruised and battered. She was at his mercy, and she knew it well.

"Did you truly think you could hide from everything?" He asked. "How foolish."

"I wasn't trying to hide," she snapped. The mark on her shoulder grew heavier. Her heart clenched tight. "I'm sorry for what happened that night. I don't know what the monster inside me did to cast that spell, but I would never use something like that against you."

He stared her down, his face unreadable. "And where did you think to go now that you hold no value to your friends?"

The words sliced at her like knives. She raised her chin higher, refusing to allow him to cut her down so easily. "I'm going to see if I can repair Kikyo's bow while my shoulder heals."

"If it will heal at all," he countered.

Kagome's eye widened. "You…heard? You were that close to the village and I didn't —"

"I have no need to listen to a healer woman's words to see the obvious. Humans are frail and weak. Their bones break easily and their bodies heal slowly. If you cannot wield your bow, what use is it to repair it? Your purpose here is over. Go home."

"I can't," she bit out. "And even if I could, I wouldn't."

"Why?"

"Because the Jewel is incomplete. I swore I would do everything in my power to put it back together and I swore to defeat Naraku."

"Something that is now impossible in your state." He looked across the lake as though distracted. "If you go to that mountain, you will die."

"Then I'll die," Kagome said. "What do you care anyway? Why did you follow me here? If you're away from me, I can't use this spell against you. And if I die, then the spell will be gone anyways. It's not like you came to take me back to Inuyasha." She turned her back to him. "Just go away and let me do what I can to help the people I care about."

For a few moments, he was silent. Then —

"No. I will not."

Kagome turned back, her eyes widening and her eyebrows shooting upwards. "What?"

"Do I need to repeat myself?"

"You're not responsible for me, Sesshoumaru. I don't see what this is all about."

"I will not take you back to my brother, nor will I allow you to travel on your own while you bear that mark."

She stepped back, raising her palms in the air. "Wait…think about this rationally…what will killing me now get you?"

The apathetic mask on his face shifted slightly. "I am not here to end your life."

"Then what do you want?"

"Until the mark is gone and until This Sesshoumaru understands the connection between the entity that possessed you and Naraku, you will have the honor of traveling under my protection. When it held you in its sway, the entity mentioned Naraku's fate and claimed to fight against those who would affect it. Therefore, you are currently the only lead available to find that hanyou's whereabouts."

Kagome realized that her jaw had gone slack and rushed to close her mouth before she embarrassed herself. This was probably more words than she'd ever heard Sesshoumaru speak at any one time. She clutched her bow tighter, wincing at the pain in her shoulder.

"So…you're saying you'll come with me? To see the bow maker on the mountain?"

"I will lead. You will follow. My retainer will meet us on the way."

"Sesshoumaru, I…"

"Make no mistake," he warned her. "You are under my protection, but you will follow my commands without protest. And if you ever dare to use the spell against me, I will not hesitate to end your life."

Kagome nodded in understanding, doing her best to keep her cool in the face of Sesshoumaru's intense gaze. When he turned away from her and slipped back into the forest, Kagome followed timidly behind him. Following his orders blindly didn't set well with her, but for the sake of her friends and for the sake of defeating Naraku, she reasoned that she would have probably done anything.