Chapter 8

That was the first time Alison said out loud to someone that she was given up for an adoption by her mother when she was born. The first time ever. It was so hard. And painful. But it finally seemed that she accepted who she truly was. For so long she was unable to say it. When she was younger kids at school were very mean. They bullied her a lot because she was given away. The only escape she had were books. Lots and lots of books. Those books haven't only given her an escape, they've given her the knowledge. And the knowledge has given her the confidence. All that has tought her to be strong and to always want more, to be better. Of course that the pain was always there, following her around whereever she went, but it was managed. She managed to keep it hidden from the world most of the time. Few times she let herself be vunlerable, but only at home, mostly when she was alone, rarely with her familiy around. But they understood her because they have all been through it themselves. It was comforting to know that she wasn't completely alone.

Now that she has said it and her mother was there to hear it, she felt strange. Not much has changed. The pain was still there, but she was at least proud that she maybe helped that boy understand that life's not easy for anyone and that he can still do better regardless of what other may think or say. For a moment there she forgot that she was talking to a patient, so she suspected that her superiors were probably angry at her. But she could deal with that. As long as Amelia didn't figure out who she was and what she was talking about. But after Alison dropped the bomb shell she ran away, so she didn't have the time to see their reactions. She ran for some time until she found an empty closet room. She hid there, crouched down like she used to when she was little and then she let heavy tears fall down her face.

At the same time, Amelia was sobbing hard in her office, away from the curious looks of people. She replayed the last day probably a hundred times in her head trying to find some clues that would prove to her that she's wrong and just imagining things. But there was nothing of that sort. It was only clearer to her that she wasn't mistaken. Amelia was now sure that Alison was her little girl.

Then a scary thought hit both of them. At some point they had to confront each other. They had to talk. Alison was even thinking of running back to NYC. That's how much she was afraid of looking Amelia in the eyes and asking - why. Although she wasn't actually afraid of the question. She was more afraid of the answer.
Unlike Alison, Amelia was afraid of all the questions she wouldn't know how to give answers to.

The rest of the day Amelia spent in the OR, doing surgery after surgery, focusing on the brains in front of her and trying to save lives. She needed to feel useful. And Alison spent the day between trying to study in the skills lab and working in the ER with Dr. Kepner.
Even if they didn't know it yet, the two of them were so alike. Both running from their emotions and hiding behind the books, papers and work.

Around 9pm Alison's first shift was officialy over and she was so relieved. She couldn't wait to go shower and sleep in a real bed. After what happend with that patient earlier she couldn't find the strength to call her family after all. She was very upset and very tired and she didn't want them to see or hear her like that. So she just texted them that she was stuck at work and that she would definetely skype them tomorrow. Alison hated lies more than anything, but this one was a white lie in her mind, for their own good. She changed from scrubs in her regular clothes and decided to go through the very strangely quiet ER to avoid anyone stopping her on her way out.

As she was passing by trauma room 2, where everything started yesterday, she heard someone calling her. She turned around and started shaking when she saw who it was.

''Can we...maybe...talk for a minute?'' – Amelia's voice was very insecure, but she was sure enough to open the trauma room door and show Alison to come in.

Alison's thoughts were in a mess and she had some trouble making herself move, let alone talk, but she walked in the room without a single word.
Amelia closed the door and bit her lip trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. Those moments of heavy silence dragged like hours. Alison was looking down, unable to look at Amelia, afraid of her own reaction.

''You were born in NYC, weren't you?'' – Amelia finally broke the silence.
Alison just nodded, still unable to speak. She had a feeling where this conversation was going.

'' The 'S' in your name...'' – Amelia had to stop for a second to gather all the strength she had to say the words, then shakingly continued – ''What does it stand for?''

Alison flinched like she was burned and looked up at Amelia. For a few seconds she just looked in her eyes. They were teary and she could see so much fear and pain. She opened her mouth to answer, but couldn't find the words at first. Finally she answered – '' I think you know.''

Amelia sighed heavily. There was not a single doubt in her mind anymore. But now she was left speechless. She struggled with her own thoughts then whispered – ''You kept it...''

''My name was the only thing I had from you. So I kept it as a reminder that you really exist somewhere, even though you left me. So yeah...'' – Alison said bitterly.

Amelia couldn't fight the tears anymore. The guilt was eating her alive all these years, but the guilt she felt while looking at Alison was something she couldn't bear. She sobbed for a minute trying to compose herself, while Alison was just standing there numb.

''I had to put you first.'' – Amelia inhaled and continued – ''Put aside all my selfish feelings. There was no chance I would let you grow up with nothing. I was a mess and in some ways I still am. And in time you would resent me and start to hate me, because I was unable to give you more and you deserved more. A good life, family...I couldn't give you that.''

'' So you gave me away instead... All these years I wondered how you could choose to let me grow up without you. I was so angry at you.'' – Alison swallowed hard – ''I am still so angry!''

''I wasn't...'' – Amelia choked a little and said with tears – ''All I had to give was love and that just wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough...''

''Of course it would've been enough. That love you talk about...'' – now Alison was on the edge of breaking down – ''Your love was all I would ever need. And I needed it so bad and I have missed you since the day you left me! But you decided that it was more important for me to have all those material things...''

''I am so sorry!'' – Amelia interrupted Alison – ''I...I'm sorry for all of that. But...look at you now. You're beautiful and so intelligent and successful. And I will never be sorry for giving you the chance to become all those things.''

''You may have given me that chance, but...'' – Alison frowned and looked Amelia with so much sadness – ''I grew up knowing nothing about you or any of that. All I knew was that I was given away. And I was so little and so insecure and HURT. I thought I wasn't good enough, smart enough...and I was alone! You may have given me the chance, but you made me and orphan too. For years I cried myself to sleep...''.

Alison's words stabbed Amelia's heart like knives. She did that to her daughter. She made her suffer that much when all she wanted to do was to keep her from suffering.
''I'm sorry...I thought...I thought I was doing the right thing. Saving you from myself...''

''You did the right thing. For yourself! You're a world-class surgeon now. You built a life.'' – Alison's words were filled with anger and resentment.

''And I did that all thanks to you. You saved me, baby girl. You gave me the reason to fight my addiction and to stay alive. But you were innocent and you didn't deserve to be dragged in that mess. And believe me, it was terrible...'' – Amelia tried to explain – '' I HAD TO PUT YOU FIRST!''

Alison couldn't move. Couldn't speak. Couldn't breathe. Those words stunned her. She felt real physical pain at that point and an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion.

''I just...I don't know what to say or how to feel. I wanted to meet you and talk to you, and say everything that was buried deep inside for so long...I thought it would give me some closure and help me move on...'' – Alison was fighting with tears when Amelia said – ''Move on? Alison, please!'' – she frowned and could barely whisper - ''Don't...''

''I'm not sure I can stay here and see you every day. I'm not sure I know how to get over this anger...'' – Alison's words hit Amelia right in the face.

''I know I don't have any right to ask you this...But please...'' – Amelia cried – ''Give me a chance.''

Alison looked away. She couldn't be there anymore. In that room.
''I need to go. I'm sorry. I need time...''

After saying that, she left the trauma room without even looking at Amelia. She didn't really know what she meant by saying she needed time, because she had plenty of it. 18 years, to be precise. But this felt different. She wasn't only imagining what her mother was like. She had her right there in front of her, apologizing for everything, answering her questions and saying all those words she wanted to hear, but for some reason those words didn't sound the same out loud as they sounded in her mind. Alison was shocked by her own reaction, by all that anger that came out like poison from her mouth. For years she dreamed of meeting her mother. She had thought of so many different scenarios, but apperentely all those were only wishful thinking of a child missing a mother. She was still hurt. Even though deep down she knew Amelia was right in some was, she couldn't admit it yet. Not to Amelia, not to herself.

She couldn't keep it together anymore or run from all the emotions boiling inside of her. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide anymore. After many years that mask of strength finally fell off and she broke down. Just like that. Everything erupted from her. Anger, loneliness, fears, every single weakness turned into storm of tears. It was all too much and she just fell apart.

After Alison left, all the heaviness fell on Amelia. She cried and didn't even try to stop the tears. She didn't know what to do, but there was one thing she knew. She couldn't let Alison go like that. She couldn't make the same mistake again. So she ran after her, without any hesitation. And there she was, her little girl, in front of the ER, in the dark, alone, crouching down, crying so painfully, holding herself not to fall apart.

A/N: This was so heartbreaking, hard and challenging to write. I would really like to read your thoughts. Thank you for reading.