"Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing."
Helen Rowland
She slipped into the kitchen without knocking. it made me smile she felt comfortable enough to do so. Since the fight at the diner, Red had been coming by a lot more often, much to my pleasure. I slept better with her around, and sometimes I wondered if she knew it. "Hey, Bella," I greeted her from where I stood at the sink, wrist deep in soapy water and dishes. Lining herself up at my side, she surprised me by grabbing up the drying towel from where it hung on it's peg. "What can I do for you?"
Taking a slippery dinner plate from my hand she shrugged, drying it with three methodical wipes. "Your mom's out with the girls. I'm kind of going stir crazy in the house all by myself."
"With the rain like it is we just can't chance you being out and about," I said, as apologetically as I could. "We can't catch a scent when it's wet like this. We're all patrolling non stop in rotation, but it's pointless. But you know you're welcome to drop in here any time you want. I have cable, unlike my momma anyway," I added, a teasing reference to her ridiculous True Blood addiction.
"Really?" She asked lightly, taking one the girl's plastic Sponge Bob cups from my hand and wiping it down. "I didn't think... I don't know. I feel like you're avoiding me."
"I'd never avoided you," I replied, with my own measure of amusement. "I thought you might want some space since...well. Since everything went down."
She snorted, her breath ruffling her too-long bangs. "I thought we were doing the friend-thing now?" She asked, looking at me through the corners of her eyes. I scrubbed at the spoon in my hand, and said nothing. "Or is that just...I don't know. You know what they say. Once you fuck there's really no going back."
"They don't matter," I replied with a benign smile. "I'm sure I can do the friend thing. I mean, I don't actually have any girl-type-friends. Or you know, any friends outside of the pack." Well shit. Put like that it kind of made me sound like a loser.
"Really?" She echoed herself. "The pack is really like...your whole life huh"
"The Rez too," I corrected her, handing her several spoons. "And momma, and the girls." And you, I added internally and hoped she wouldn't see it in my face. "It's not so bad."
"I wasn't saying that it was," she said quietly, thoughtfully. "I guess it's just kind of sad. You don't have anything that's just yours."
Oh I did. Or at least I liked to think so, or maybe just hope so. "I've never looked at it like that," I replied in kind. "I mean, this whole Rez is mine."
Red huffed, rolling her eyes so hard her head should have bobbled. "Yeah, but the Rez belongs to... to every one. It's yours but it's not just yours. Haven't you ever wanted something just for you? Something only yours?"
"I..." Yes. Goddamn it, yes. "I think every one has at some point. I'm sure there's something that's mine and no one else," I said instead, shrugging my shoulders. Water splashed at the edges of the sink, seeping along my counter tops. She wiped at it, laughing at me.
Giving me a smile I couldn't quite decipher, she wiped down another plate, sliding onto the plate rack above the sink. "Well if you've got nothing else, I guess you have my virginity. That's not exactly something you can share."
It was said so carelessly but I froze anyway, every muscle seizing up in my body with shock. The glass tumbler I'd only just been washing slipped from my hands, smashing against the floor. She yelped as the glass shards bounced off her shoes, skidding across my floor. "Shit Sam, what the fuck?"
"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head. "I'm sorry. I...I thought you said you were a virgin." I choked on the word, curdling bubbles of dread roiling in my stomach .
"Actually I said the opposite," she answered, grabbing my broom from the corner. "I'm not a virgin. I mean, you would know. You were there."
"No I wasn't," I denied at once. "You weren't a virgin."
She opened her mouth and then snapped it closed, taking a deep breath. "Okay, I realize given my recent behavior that you might have assumed I was kind of a slut," she said, with careful calm. Her cheeks pinked up anyway, either with embarrassment or anger. She kept it in check. "But I'm really not. I...I have no idea what's gotten into me. But I er...I was... I mean...shit. You were my first. That's why I freaked out and ran. I mean...I should have told you, I know that, but then I just...I didn't know how and then it was kind of to late and...It's just...I dunno, it wasn't what I -"
With every word she said, I felt myself getting a little bit colder, mouth welling up with spit as my stomach did flips. "Oh God," I sucked in a breath and spun where I stood, glass biting into my feet with every step I took. The toilet never looked so welcoming as when I was hurling my dinner into it. I was horrified; how could I have not known? Yes she was tight, but I'd been with tight girls. And there hadn't exactly been a hymen, but Red was eighteen, so that wasn't so hard to believe. Had she bled? I'd didn't remember blood. Thank god for what foreplay I had managed; I'd pounded the girl. She hadn't said. Why hadn't she said?
"Sam?" Red said softly, as I heard the bathroom sink running, My eyes were closed, forehead pressed into the bed of my arm where it hugged my toilet bowl. "Hey big guy," she said with a forced laugh. "Come on, rinse."
Looking up from my pathetic little pity party, I took the bottle of mouth wash she had proffered, swishing quickly, and spitting it into the toilet. She leaned over me, flushing, before shoving a glass of water int my hand.
I drank, setting the glass on the back of tank. "I didn't know," I said, my voice still rough.
"Yeah," she said, crouching next to me. "I kind of figured that out by myself, just now."
I shook my head, stomach threatening to send up bile. "No, no. This is all wrong," I groaned, dropping my head back into my arms. "Christ...I hurt you. I couldn't have not hurt you; I'm huge."
"And your ego is about as big as your dick, huh?" Red teased, nudging me with her cool palm. "Hey come on. I'm fine, it was fine. I mean, it was pretty obvious I enjoyed it." This time the blush was purely embarrassment.
Looking up at her, I glared. "I hurt you, you said I did. I should have stopped-"
"I asked you not to," she remind me, unhelpfully. She looked so earnest, like she didn't see the problem.
"Did you bleed?" I forced myself to ask, looking away from her. I could see her profile in my mirror, the smooth slope of her nose, and the curve of her neck. Even in the shitty lighting, she really was painfully pretty. "I didn't notice any blood. I mean...I didn't smell it." All I had smelled was how wet she had been, and my sweat mixed with hers, painted across our skin. It had been over powering.
"A little," she admitted quietly. "But I hear that's normal for the first time. It did hurt but uh...you know. You did a lot of prep, so that helped. Sam, the sex was fine. I was fine."
"Obviously you weren't," I replied, angry and tired. "You ran! God, I don't even blame you. The way I fucked you...that is not the way any one deserves for their first time. My freaking kitchen counter-"
"Yeah, all I can think is how your sisters totally eat there," she said, almost randomly. "It did scare me okay? I didn't know how to handle it. It was my first time, that's a big deal, and I didn't really like you much, back then. I was more horrified that it was you, than with the sex, really."
I choked back the bile rising up to my mouth, shaking my head hard. "Yeah, that makes everything totally better. Fuck."
"I don't know why your getting so worked up over this," Red said with a sigh. "It's not like you fucked me and kicked me out you know? And I thought about that, after ward. And I regretted not telling you, and maybe I even regretted running instead of staying, but you didn't do anything wrong, okay? Since we're doing this friend-thing, you gotta believe me when I tell you that you didn't do anything wrong."
Looking away, I pushed myself away from the toilet, leaning back against the tub instead. "I brutally fucked you on my kitchen counter. I didn't put a condom on, hell I didn't even take my jeans off. So much is wrong with that. You deserve better than that."
"I got what I asked for I think," she replied with no shame. "And I liked it. Sam, I liked the sex. Hell! That was half my problem! I don't know. I feel like it was exactly what I needed. And afterward, I couldn't make heads of fucking tales of it. I went a little crazy, you know?"
"Oh I know," I said with a wan smile. "Jacob told me you propositioned him. Dropped right down in his lap and everything." I wouldn't ask, but I did hope she would tell me her reasoning behind that.
"That little ass hole." To my surprise, she laughed, scooting over to sit beside me against the tub. She folded her hands in her lap and turned her head to look at me. "The sex confused me...I mean, before that I hadn't...I'd only ever really kissed one guy before that. I wasn't exactly leading the most exciting social life. God, this is embarrassing. But...I don't know. When I was with you...I hadn't really felt that good since...ever. I kind of forgot everything, you know all the shit that I let get to me. It was kind of like being free for fifteen minutes. I just thought that maybe that's what I'd been missing. Sex, you know. So yeah, I went to Jake. I thought he could make me feel good again, I just wanted to feel that way again."
"Tyler?" I asked, before I could stop myself. I wanted to take the question back, tell her she didn't have to answer, but she did before I could stop her .
"Jake turned me down," she replied with a shrug, her shoulders rubbing against mine. "Which, yeah, was kind of a blow to me because...well, Jake has always liked me. I'd thought he'd be a sure thing but... And then I was just kind of desperate. Tyler asked me out while I was getting groceries and I said yes. Typical shit; movie, dinner. Next thing I know, I'm dragging him into my house. And I'm not like that, I'm really not. Contrary to like...everything you've ever seen me do. I just wanted ...the...the-"
"The warmth back?" I replied, tipping my head back to look up at my ceiling.
She looked at me again; I could see her do so in the mirror through my peripherals. "Yeah, something like that. Really we just kissed."
Snorting, I turned my head to look down at her. "You had come all over your shirt. I'm not an idiot, Red."
Smiling the return of my endearment, she blushed a little more. "Yeah, but I swear I'm not lying. He um. Okay, don't judge me," she said seriously before huffing out a long breath. "I was sitting on his lap and we were...er. Um. Grinding? And kissing and stuff. And he kind of...I don't know. Out of no where he was whipping it out and before I could even pull back the reigns he like...just came. As soon as he had himself out of his pants, bam, all over my shirt. And because my life is just that awesome, that's about when you knocked."
With painful clarity, I remembered the awful things I'd said after he left. "Fuck I am an asshole," I breathed. "All the shit I said-"
"You didn't know," she cut me off. "And honestly, I hadn't done anything to make you believe otherwise. We were both wrong with our assumptions, Sam. I said some shitty things that day that I was wrong about too. You're not worthless or a loser. You're actually a pretty decent guy. And you like me. I don't know what the fuck that's about but well..."
"You're a pretty decent girl yourself." I sighed, thunking my against the sliding shower door.
Red fidgeted against me, leaning in closer to till she was snug against my arm. "I'm freaking freezing," she admitted, before turning her gaze to her shoes. "Why the interest in me? I mean, it can't be my charming personality or my current, stunning level of personal hygiene. When did it all start? Cause' I got to admit, I can't really pin point a time when either we didn't know each other, or we hated each other."
"I never hated you," I reminded her. "You want to know when?"
She nodded solemnly. "Yes. Please tell me when you're frightening obsession with me began."
"It's not frightening," I replied, uncomfortable. "I'm not obsessed. You don't really think that, do you?"
"Sometimes," she admitted quietly. "I mean, I'm not actually frightened of you. I just don't understand it. There's no rhyme or reason to your interest in me."
"There are plenty of reasons to be interested in you," I informed her, equally quiet. "For me I guess...that night I picked you up on the side of the road? You were all wet and so mad, marching fifteen miles drunk off your ass in the rain and you looked so pathetic but so...determined. Like fifteen miles wouldn't stop you from getting to where you wanted to go. Might take you forever, but you were gonna get there. I admired that, even if I didn't realize it right then."
"I was so mad," she breathed. "I couldn't believe Jake would leave me like that. No, seriously, I didn't believe it. Because I knew Jake, and I knew he'd never do that, and I just...I thought if I saw him, if I could just see him and hear him say it, then it would be okay, but..."
"I kind of derailed that idea," I finished for her. "That's what happens when you dig for answers, Red. You keep digging, eventually you're gonna find the well."
"I don't think I'll ever stop digging," she said with a smile. "So. That night huh?"
"That night," I confirmed. "That night I just...saw a girl who wouldn't quit. It changed how I looked at you." That had to be by far the largest understatement in history but I wasn't in the mood to talk semantics.
She toed off her shoes, and wiggled her toes against my calved in her miss-matched socks. "You told me I wasted my energy on the wrong fights."
"You did," was my reply, totally unrepentant. "No one can possibly have the energy to be mad at every one and their cousin all the time." She smacked my arm, playfully, and the cautious camaraderie was all that was keeping me together. Friend-thing, she had offered, and I would take it greedily. We'd come to our understanding, made our peace, and worked our way through civility. This was her step, she'd found her way into my life this time, over a pint of ice-cream and bad TV only barely a week prior. The ball was in her court now.
Shaking her self a little, she cocked her head to the side, looking all the way up into my eyes as she spoke. "See," Red said, smiling a little. "I think fighting you was the best choice I ever made. It was the first time I really knew what I was fighting, and what I was fighting for. I don't know, but...I think if anything really changed me, it was that."
tbc