A/N I'm truly sorry for the delay. I got really sick and wasn't able to write. I feel a bit better now and at least are able to write again. So I'm also sorry for a short chapter. I hope the next chapter will be longer than this again.

A special thanks go to Tummer22 whom did a great job and beta read this chapter for me.

As always R+R, please.

Chapter 37

It's a little over a week later and Olivia has had her first treatments in the past week. The first Proton therapy and chemotherapy. The past few days the side effects of the chemotherapy had kicked in hard. She has never been so sick in her entire life as she is now and recovering from two gunshot wounds isn't helping either. Of course the Detective gets meds against the nausea but they don't help much. And the poor brunette can't keep anything inside. Not to mention how much it hurts to throw up with her wounds. By now Olivia is exhausted, miserable, in pain and having mood swings.

"Alex, why don't you and Casey go do something with the two of you for a couple of hours? I'm not going anywhere and the only thing I'm doing is puking my guts out. And I'm sure that isn't most pleasant thing to see all the time." Olivia asks.

"It's ok Liv. I don't mind. And I'd rather stay with you. Abby is coming here in a few hours and Casey can do something with her. Maybe I'll join them then." Alex answers.

"Alex I've always done everything on my own. I'm not used to be taking care of and Abby will fuss over me too when she is here. You've been here with me all the time and I'm happy and thankful that you are here but there is only so much that I can handle. I've had only the first week of my treatments and it only gets worse from now on. And I'll need you then more than ever. So why don't you take some time for yourself now that you can have it? And give me some time to breath and to get used to the fact that for the first time in my life I need to be taking care of." Olivia asks gently.

"Do you want to get rid of me?" Alex asks hurt.

"No, of course not. I married you for heaven's sake. I wouldn't have asked you to marry me and spend the rest of our lives together if I wanted that. I never want to get rid of you, Lex. I love you and I always want and need you in my life. But I really hate it to be so sick and I hate that you have to see me like this. Being so weak and vulnerable. Later I'll be too sick to care about that but I'm not now and the last thing I want is to push you away and shut you out. I would hate myself for doing that. I never want to hurt you or for you to get hurt. But you know as well as I do that I'm the 'fight or flight' type of woman when things are getting to close. And that's not what I want with you. I married you because I love you more than anything or anyone in the world. There is no one I trust more than I trust you and there is and never will be anyone else I want to be with but all of this is new to me. And I need to get used to the fact that I'm not alone anymore that I have you now. We both need to heal from everything that happened to us in the last weeks. And we need to do that together but some times I just need to be alone for a few hours. Can you understand that?" Olivia asks carefully.

"Yes I can. Of course I can understand that. I'm sorry for asking that. I know that you need me as much as I need you and that you love me very much. I also know that you sometimes need to be on your own. And that's alright. As long as you keep talking to me like you are now things will be alright and we will be alright. And you are right about Abby too and me of course. I like to fuss about you and take care of you but I know that you are not used to that. That this is the first time in your life. And that it can be too much some times. So I'll get out of your hair for now. Just promise me that they will call me if you need me. As much as I understand it I hate to leave you alone when you are so sick." Alex answers.

"I promise. Don't worry about me for a few hours or try to at least. And get some else to eat than hospital food. It's not that good and I'm sure you can get something that tastes better." Olivia says.

"Ok, I'll try not to worry too much for a few hours. But I won't promise it. Try to rest a bit when you're not throwing up. I'll be back in two hours. Abby should arrive not long after that." Alex says.

"I'll try to rest a bit if I get the chance. If it's possible can you buy a book or a magazine for me?" Olivia asks.

"Sure. Anything particular?" Alex asks.

"You know what I like to read. So I'm sure you can find something." Olivia answers.

"Ok. I'll go now then. I love you Olivia Benson." Alex says.

"I love you too Alexandra Benson-Cabot." Olivia answers.

Alex gives Olivia a quick kiss on her cheek and then leaves the Detective's room. 10 minutes after Alex left Olivia gets sick again spending the next 15 minutes in the bathroom. After the nausea settles down a bit she gets back to her bed and calls a nurse. A few minutes later the nurse walks into Olivia's room.

"What can I do for you, Detective? Are you feeling sick again?" The nurse asks.

"Yes I'm sick again, but that's not why I called you. I'd like to make a phone call if that's possible." Olivia answers.

"How long ago did you get something for the nausea?" The nurse asks.

"2 hours ago so it's to soon for a new doses." Olivia answers.

"Yes you are right. You'll have to wait for an other 3 hours I'm afraid. I'll get a phone for you so you can make a call. Just don't make it to long, you need to rest as much as you can." The nurse says.

"I won't and thank you." Olivia says.

The nurse nods and walks out of the room, returning 2 minutes later with the phone.

"Here you go, call me when you are done and I'll come to get the phone." The nurse says.

"Thank you. I will." Olivia answers.

The nurse nods again and walks out of the room closing the door behind her to give the Detective some privacy. As soon as the door is closed Olivia picks up the phone and calls Abby's cellphone. The Texan picks up after two rings.

"Carmichael." Abby says.

"Abs, it's Olivia. I need you to get something for me if you can." Olivia answers.

"Sure Liv, name it and I'll see if I can get it. Not that I don't want to get you what it is that you need, but can't Casey or Alex get it for you and how are you feeling?" Abby asks.

"Like I've been sick for the past few days. And no Alex or Casey can't get it. I don't want them to know it for now. I don't want them to worry more then they already do. And I will tell them later. But I just managed to get Alex out of the hospital for two hours to do something nice with Casey and she wouldn't have gone if she knew it." Olivia answers.

"What's wrong Olivia? What do you need me to get?" Abby asks worried.

"I need you to get... I need you to get a pregnancy test. I know they've done a test here at the clinic. But I think it was too early or it gave a false negative." Olivia answers softly.

"Are you sure? I mean are you sure it was a false negative?" Abby asks shocked.

"No I'm not sure that's why I need the damn test." Olivia snaps.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I'm just shocked I guess. Is there something specific that makes you doubt the test they've taken?" Abby asks carefully.

An other wave of nausea hits Olivia.

"Yes there is. Look Abby I'm gonna be sick again. Just get the test will you? See you later, bye." Olivia says and ends the call to 'run' to the bathroom again.

A/N 2 Poor Liv, chemotherapy can make you really sick and she obviously is. But is it only the chemo that makes her so sick, or was the pregnancy test indeed taken too early or a false negative and does the circle closes just as it did for Olivia's mother? Or could it be that it is something else?