"Sherlock, if there's anything I can..." John trailed off, sighing.
Sherlock didn't respond, but John could tell that he was with it enough to have been able to.
"It was your mother." John said, noticing Sherlock's slight flinch as he changed the subject.
"What?"
"On the phone," John said, "It was your mother calling."
"Why did she call you?" Sherlock asked.
"She said you had ignored her calls."
"But she never-" Sherlock paused. "Ah, that explains it."
"Explains what?"
"She never called, John." Sherlock let his eyes slide shut as he massaged his temples.
"Then why would she-" The answer struck John with vengeance. "That... that... snake!"
"Do be careful, this is my mother you're referring to. It is only socially acceptable that I defend her." Sherlock said, his tone nonchalant for his words. "However, in this instance, and most in fact, I do believe that term is applicable."
"She's just doing it to make you look bad!"
"Yes, I thought that was fairly obvious." Sherlock said. "You were paying attention to conversation during at our time at the manor, weren't you?"
"Not particularly." John said, somewhat abashedly.
"Really?" Sherlock rounded on him, somewhat defensively.
"Whatever she was talking about, you didn't seem too comfortable with so I just sort of... tuned it out."
"But you participated in the conversation." Sherlock said.
"With nothing more than a nod or smile if you remember correctly."
"I don't understand..."
"You obviously didn't want me to know what ever it is she was talking about, so I don't know it. I figured you'd be pleased."
"... I am... Just... Thank you." Sherlock was silent for a beat, then his mind switched back to business. "What did she want?"
"She wanted to talk about Jayden, ask you too keep him awhile longer. Another week or two." John said. John watched closely to the tension forming in Sherlock's body as he mentioned Jayden as the topic of conversation, then the release of said tension when it was said they'd be keeping him awhile longer.
"Good, gives me more time to figure out what to do." Sherlock said.
"What do you mean?" John asked.
"He's not going back there, John, he's just not." Sherlock said. "I won't let it happen."
"Sherlock, listen, maybe-"
"-Maybe they're not the same people as before?" Sherlock interrupted. "Didn't you see how he was treated at dinner? That wasn't even the start of it John. It will begin with small things and slowly grow and grow until... He's not going back."
Sherlock's body began shaking the slightest bit, hardly noticeable, almost as though he were shivering.
"Alright, alright. Calm down." John said. "We'll figure something out."
A few moments later the conversation picked up once again.
"What else did she say?" Sherlock asked.
"She asked about his studies."
Sherlock winced slightly. "What did you say?"
"I told her they were going well."
"Alright, I'll sneak them in somehow... Is Mycroft coming over?"
"Not that I know of, why?" John asked. "You know something I don't?"
"She might send him over to check and make sure we weren't lying about the studies."
"What?!" John said. "Seriously?! How are we supposed to deal with this?"
"Uh..." Sherlock shook his head breath locked in his mouth eyes staring out to space, willing himself to think faster. "I'll just have to read his books give him crash course version."
"You do youtube." John said. "Proof."
"Really, John?" Sherlock rolled his eyes. "Of all things that could come to your mind right now? Did you never think that I could have read about it?"
"Ah, but you're not denying it."
"I'm not admitting it either."
"Either way, I win."
"Hmm."
John reveled in his apparent victory for a moment before Sherlock spoke.
"How far did I get? Did I give them what they needed?" Sherlock asked.
"You really don't remember?"
"I-" Sherlock hesitated, and shook his head.
"You did, but after a bit you sort of started spouting off positions and movements, orders, they sounded like. Then you just went silent." John said.
"Oh and I can't wait to deal with the repercussions of that." Sherlock said sarcastically.
"Speaking of which, what's the deal?" John asked.
"What do you mean?" Sherlock asked.
"That one wasn't like the others."
"You're going to have to be more specific."
"You were lost, very lost, but you were... calm, almost." John said.
What would John says if I told him? Told him, that at some points, I had hoped to die. Not because I wanted to really, but because it was better than living.
Sherlock felt his lips dry, and words stick to his tongue. He wanted to say something, but couldn't find it within himself to speak. What could he say that wouldn't put him in a mental ward?
John was a soldier, a battlefield medic in fact, surely he would understand- But what if he didn't? What if he didn't understand and shipped me off to some insane asylum? What if he thought that I'm still that way? Am I still that way? I don't think so. No, living doesn't hurt quite so much anymore. Hmm... Wouldn't it be so much easier that way though? Wouldn't it be less stressful? There would be no cases to stress over, no family, no Serbia... Nothing to worry about anymore.
Sherlock's mind was emptied immediately when he caught himself thinking those morbid thoughts.
But what about John? I saw how messed up he became when I fake died. No. That can't happen. That would be selfish. But I am a selfish creature, aren't I? Still, it wouldn't be right. Never right. John's worth more than that.
It was then Sherlock knew that a thousand words could never express what he had been feeling during that... mental check out. Instead, he chose something short and simple. Something that he hoped conveyed his indecision, his lack of good answer.
"There's always calm in the heart of a storm." he said.
Sherlock looked up at John hoping that he would catch his trail, but he didn't.
"There were some good times then, in Serbia?" John asked.
"Seemed like it," Sherlock shook his head, "but no."
A/N: How'd you like this ending? I hope I didn't get too philosophical for you guys, I have a tendency to do that. I just wanted to draw out the idea that what seems pleasant and like a good idea at one point in time will be revealed as actually some of your darkest times in the future. I wanted to see Sherlock experience this, have him realize that even within his own mind, all is not as it appears.
I'd love to hear from all of you, hear what you think of where the story's going. I know the pace has been a bit slow lately, but it's a build up for something big. We're getting closer and closer to the climax each day. I already know what's going to happen, it's just a matter of getting the words out of my fingers. They've been pretty sticky lately, but today they just rolled off my mind. Anyway, have a great day!