Chapter 22

A/N: Hello dear readers, I hope you're still around and didn't give up on me and this story. I am very sorry for being away for so long. Life was kicking my butt these last 3 months and I'm trying my best to write again. If you decide to stick with me I'll be eternaly grateful!

''Mom, I had the worst day...'' – sobbs interrupted her and she was in such disstress that she didn't even realize what she said.

''Why this world has to be so awful? Why good people end up in the worst situations, ones they never deserved? I don't understand! And I'm so tired of fighting with myself and this freaking hospital is making me exhausted, depressed and I'm hungry all the time. Like..., all the time! But I don't even notice it anymore. Sleep and food are not on my menu apparently. And I'm rambling and whining like a 5-year-old. Telling you all this stuff, like you already don't know it yourself. I'm going to stop myself now. I'm sorry.''

Amelia was shocked after Ali's first word and hardly heard anything of what came after it. Alison was just rambling without even stopping to take a breath and it seemed like she really didn't realize what slipped from her mouth.

''Hey...HEY!'' – Amelia had to shake Ali and again use her stern motherly voice she just today found out she had. ''Let's go home now. You can take a long shower while I'm making something for dinner. We'll eat and when you're a bit calmer we can talk. Now just breathe. It's going to be okay.''

Even though, Amelia usually didn't know how to filter her thoughts in that kind of moments, this time she stopped herself in time and didn't blurt the first thing that was on her mind. It was the very first time Alison called her 'Mom' and it made her heart swell with love. But at the same time, she was worried for her daughter. So much distress didn't come by in just one day. It was definitely piling up for some time and Alison kept it all inside.

And noone knew, how much damage piling up heavy emotions could make, better than Amelia. She was the queen of keeping it all to herself and then exploding in the worst possible way. But this time, she was a grown up in the situation, even more, she was a parent. That came with some reponsibilities too, no matter how old the child was. Eight, eighteen or twenty eight. And she wanted to kick herself for not noticing the signs before.

''But...but...I don't have a home here. Just a room where I sleep when I grab the chance to do so. I miss having a home.'' – Alison kept rambling without realizing what she was saying.

She felt like something ate half of her brain. Truths were tumbling out of her mouth and she found that she wasn't able to control it. Everything that happened that day hit her hard. And what scared her the most was that she couldn't figure out why. For some reason the feeling of utter weakness and uselessness was swallowing her.

Amelia, after hearing what Ali said, felt a lump forming in her throat, but she decided she would keep it togehter and so she did.

20 minutes later they were entering the Dream house.
Alison was silent and just looking around. It felt so homey. Everything didn't look as neat as she would imagine a doctor's home would, but all the toys, pillows and blankets that were everywhere around made it look so warm and friendly. In the kitchen was the biggest mess with all their schedules hanging on the fridge, surrounded with a lot of sticky notes and artwork from the kids, bottles, cereals, baby food.
It definetely was a home, but it didn't feel like it was hers. She felt like a stranger or maybe a guest in this beautiful huge house, which was a home to the people who were supposedly her family.

Right then Ali missed her adopted family even more. She didn't feel like she could fit in this home like she wanted to. There was nothing in the world she craved more than having her mother and family to love and protect her always. And it felt like she was on a good path with Amelia and her uncle and cousins, but now when she actually was in the Shepherd home Alison felt detached.

There wasn't anything familiar there. Everything was different and quiet, and all that made her feel lost. Once again fighting and wanting to belong, but still couldn't quit reach the feeling.

Amelia noticed the way sadness darkend her daughter's usually bright blue eyes, while she was looking around. She could understand what was going on in Ali's head, That feeling like she was out of place followed her since she was sixteen, but with time she learned how to deal with it. Watching her daughter struggle with the same burden was a completely different story. It made her heart ache. But she was decisive to make Ali feel her love and comfort, and maybe, just maybe, in time this would become their home.

''Come on, let me show you my room.'' – Amelia said breaking Alison's thoughts and leading the way – ''It's right here down the hall. I have my own bathroom, too. You can take a shower if you want to. I'll leave you something to wear on the bed.''

It felt to Amelia like she was talking to herself, but she keept talking nevertheless – ''The towels are on the bottom shelf.'' – she showed and sighed when Alison didn't react.

''Listen to me, please! You're very tired. And you had a terrible day. Your emotions are in a conflict and you feel lost.'' – she waited to have Ali's full attention and then continued – ''I understand and I can help you. Please Alison! Let me help you.''

''I'm not used to having help.'' – Ali finally said and looked in Amelia's pleading eyes. ''At least not this kind of help.'' – she added quietly.

''Let me try.''

''And what if I get used to your help and having you around, and then something happens and you leave me again?'' – Alison asked, vulnerability written all over her face.

Amelia hugged tightly Ali's shaking frame and whispered softly – ''Good dreams are here to stay, sweety. Got me?''

Ali managed to smile a little while nodding.

Amelia was relieved and said – ''Good. Remember that or I'll remind you every day if necessary.'' – she kissed Ali's cheek, turned her towards the bathroom and mock glowered – ''No more stalling, girl. Hot shower for you now.''

''Okaaay, Mom. Hot shower it is. '' – Ali's eyes brightened again.

Then she ran to the bathroom before Amelia had the time to react. Because it was the first time Ali consciously called her 'Mom'. It wasn't her just rambling or being upset. She said it on purpose this time and for that reason it meant even more to Amelia.

While showering Alison thought about her feelings and the little talks they had throughout the day. It was amazing and quite scary how much impact words could have. She felt low since opening her eyes that morning and thinking how only one sentence changed that and turned everything around.

'' Good dreams are here to stay!'' – she repeated over and over again, feeling better everytime she said it.

While Alison was showering Amelia had to complete a very hard task, for her even harder than brain surgery. She had to make dinner.
There was no doubt Amelia knew how to have fun. And being a kickass neurosurgeon wasn't that hard too, in her book. But cooking. That was a skill set she never managed to learn, or so she thought. The reason could be lack of trying, of course, but Amelia was quite sure that cooking was one thing she would never be able to master.

It was all great. Standing your ground, worrying and then acting all stern, but apart from all that there was something that popped right up in her mind while she tried to recall how her mother was with her sibilings and her. There was always a delicious meal waiting for them at the end of the day and no matter if they had a good or a bad day, they would all eat together and talk about everything. It was her favourite part of the day when she was little, because her sisters and brother were there and had to pay attention to her.

At that particular moment Amelia felt so inadequate. But there was no way that she way great at surgery and wasn't able to make something at least eatable.
So 15 minutes later macaroni and cheese were on the table and Amelia hoped she didn't mess it up, even though she was pretty sure she coudn't have messed it up even if she tried to.

After taking a long hot shower Alison felt much more relaxed. But dressing sweatpants and a 'Harvard' T-shirt Amelia left for her on the bed made her feel so comfortable that she wouldn't have any trouble falling asleep right then and there. Except for one thing. She was hungry and hoped that Amelia made them something good to eat.

''Hey there, little one. Feel better?'' – Amelia asked when she saw Ali coming.

''Much better, thanks. I'm so glad we wear the same size. These sweatpants are heavenly comfortable.'' – Ali accompanied her statement with a grin.

Amelia laughed – ''Maybe I'll let you steal them.''

Ali's grin spread even wider when she caught Amelia winking.
''Oh, dinner's already on the table.'' – she exclaimed happily.

''Well yes, but don't expect much. It's only macaroni and cheese.'' – Amelia frowned – '' Add cooking on the list of the things I suck at.''

''I love macaroni and cheese.'' – Ali tried to console – ''And I can show you how to cook few dishes if you'd like. Nana tought us how years ago and we even played 'Masterchef' sometimes.''

''This is kind of embarrassing. I should be a grown up here and yet you are offering to teach me how to cook. Ahh my mother would be so proud.'' – Amelia couldn't help herself and her sarcasm sometimes.

''Trust me, I'm not an expert either. I know a few things I can show you. And then we could maybe learn more together. Cooking can be fun, you know. You just have to give it a chance.'' – Ali tried to lighten up Amelia's mood.

''If you say so, Masterchef Alison.'' – Amelia teased – ''Come, let's eat.''

After the dinner they settled on the couch in front of the TV and were trying to find something to watch. Amelia figured there was no better moment to ask Alison about her day and what was it that made her so upset.
Ali seemed relaxed for the first time that day and even if she refused to admit it to herself, she was enjoying having Amelia there by her side. It was surprisingly soothing for some reason and she wanted to keep that feeling for as long as possible. Her whole day was a mess and she wanted it to at least end on a good note. Not in tears or in deep thoughts about her life.

''Do you want to talk about your day now?'' – Amelia finally asked.

Alison was a bit apprehensive to answer at first, but she decided it would be too bad to destroy the mood with heavy talk like that. So she said – ''Would you mind if we talked about it tomorrow?''

''You won't run away?'' – Amelia inquired insecurely.

''I won't.''

''Okay.''

''Okay.''

Then Alison relaxed once again and in no time fell asleep, repeating in her head – Good dreams are here to stay! Good dreams are here to stay! Good dreams are here to stay!

A/N: I'll try to post a new chapter every week from now on. Again, thank you for reading. As you already know, reviews are very welcome. :)