I wake up in my bed, desoriented for a moment. I had to be really exhausted and yesterday evening had to simply finish me off.
Yesterday evening. I moan and rest the back of my forearm against my eyes. I feel soft scratching of rough fabric on my face. Bandages? Sense of guilt clenches my chest. I even don´t remember nursing myself in the evening. I moan again.
"Babybird?" I hear familiar voice.
I freeze with terror. What is Dick doing in my room? And how will I explain those damned bandages to him?
"Tim, do you hear me?" speaks Dick again. "Are you awake?"
I want to sit up, but my head spins so hard, and my stomach is making somersaults. I rather flop myself back into pillow.
"What on Earth have you been doing?" Outrage in his voice replaces worry and relief. "Why…?"
He leaves the sentence unfinished, but I know what he wants to ask. In a flash I go through all possibilities I now have.
"Who?" I exhale the answer myself in the end.
"Who? Like ´Who found you?´ ´Who else knows?´ " he fires back, outrage in his voice still more audible. "Tim, I found you on your bathroom´s floor in the puddle of your own blood. And judging by the other scars on your arms this wasn´t the first time you did something like this. And no, I didn´t tell anybody," he adds. Unspoken ´yet´hovers between us.
There is silence for a long time. I keep my eyes closed. I do not dare to open them, to look at Dick. I do not dare to open my mouth, I have no idea what possibly could I say.
"Tim, I, more than anyone else, understand that you don´t talk about your problems with Bruce. I totally understand you don´t talk to Jay, not mentioning Damian. But what about Alfred? What about me? Why didn´t you call me, Babybird?"
So much sorrow and remorse sounds in the last sentence. Tears well in my eyes, I feel them flowing down my cheeks, around my ears, on my neck and pillow.
"I didn´t want… to bother you..." I whisper.
"Babybird," he says, his voice broken, "I am your big brother. You can never bother me."
I feel his weight as he sits on my bed and takes my hand into his. "You don´t have to be alone in this. You don´t have to be alone, ever. The family..."
"No!" I cry in panic, finally opening my eyes. "Please…"
I gather all my courage to look into Dick´s eyes. "Please," I whisper again.
"Tim, you need help," he begins, but I start to shut off. Help? What, pills, white coats, doors with locks only on the outside… Arkham? My heart pounds so hard it hurts, I breath as if sprinting, my stomach churns painfully. In the distance I can hear Dick´s alarmed voice.
"Babybird! Tim! Breathe! Slowly, right, that´s it..."
I fix my eyes on his and I see what I need to see so desperately. Concern. Acceptance. Love.
My breath and heartbeat slows down little by little. I don´t know how I find myself in Dick´s arms. He rubs my back carefuly.
"It´s all right, nothing happens. We sort this out somehow. But you are not going to patrol tonight. No way, " he adds firmly. I have no strength left to argue.
"What would you say, let´s see, you have a stomach flu," he loosens his grip and winks at me conspiratorially. "… sounds good," I exhale wearily.
"Good. I´ll go get you..." he looks at me inquiringly and corrects himself. "I call Alfred to get you chamomile tea and some graham cracker, it will make you better."
He sits at my bedside until I drink the tea and have at least a bit of the cracker. Surprisingly, it really makes me feel better. I nibble on another small piece of cracker, but I don´t want to push my luck any further.
I hear the silent knock on the door. I shoot alarmed pleading look at Dick. Without a word he heads to the door and I hear him telling to somebody outside that I am sick and currently sleeping.
In a moment he is again at my side, smiling at me, holding my hand.
"I am so sorry," I sob. "Damian is right. I am useless. Weak."
Dick cuts me off. "Don´t say this ever again. Damian has no clue what you´ve been through. What you managed. How strong you are."
Dick stays at my room until the noon. We talk, or rather he talks – mainly about his job for the police, and I listen. I don´t mind to listen to him, I´m more than aware he doesn´t want to push me into anything else, but I know I won´t be able to avoid serious conversation. Finally I fall asleep again.
When I wake up, it´s already getting dark. I remain lying, I´m not patrolling today anyway. I´m grounded. I have to grin.
"Morning, sunshine," giggles Dick. He is still sitting next to me, not looking like he´s going out himself.
"Batman and Robin can handle it tonight," he shrugs. "And while you were asleep, I got one of my famous brilliant ideas," he says and bloats with mocked pride.
I cock my eyebrow. Dick´s brilliant ideas are indeed famous. Slowly the panic is starting to get hold on me again.
Dick notices. "Easy, you will like it. Hey, shouldn´t I be offended?" he teases me. He didn´t persuade me fully, but I beckon him to continue.
"What if you come with me to Blüdhaven with me for some time? I´ll tel Bruce I need you to help me with a case. Which is by the way quite true. I would really use some help. And a partner."
He falls silent. "I miss it, Babybird. I miss the time we spent together." He falls silent again.
"I´m so sorry. I suck terribly at being big brother." He lowers his eyes, looking like he is going to cry.
Very long, very awkward moment passes by.
"What do you say, "he asks shyly at last.
What do I say? I´m glad he can´t read my mind. Hurricane of emotions. Of possibilities.
I admit, it takes me a while, before I get a grip. Before I make it clear to myself which way I want to go. And which way I don´t. I lift my eyes and look at Dick. The poor thing looks nervous, trying to guess my thoughts and my answer.
Instead of answering I hug him tightly.
"I´ll take this for a yes," he exhales with relief. I nod.
Yes.
No more masks.
OK, I´ve read so many sad Tim Drake stories lately, I decided I´d give him a bit happy ending in mine ;) Hope you liked it, feel free to comment or PM me :)