3. Wipes, Bears and Breakups
"What's this?" Edward smirks as he opens the door to his apartment.
"They're the tools you'll need to break up with Tanya," I smirk holding the white balloon-tied bag with a little bear inside. "Where are the sharpies I gave you last Christmas?"
I step into his place and place the bag down on his dingy black coffee table, ready to get to work.
"Oh, my most prized possessions?" he jokes and places his hand on his chest.
"I'll have you know," I stand with my hands on my hips, "those were on sale."
"Uh huh."
"I got all thirteen for $12.67. Thirteen. Five of them being the newest of colors."
"I'll check the drawer and bring your cake." He walks away and I smile.
"If you come back in here with more than one fork, I'm leaving!"
"Again I ask, what is this?
"It's a break-up-bear," I take the cute little brown bear out of the back and throw in the open pack of markers to keep the balloons from flying away.
"Now because this was so last minute, we have to customize it ourselves. I would've had to wait 30 minutes for this shit." I pull off the cap of the black sharpie with my teeth and add, "I should've brought my bed dazzler."
"Only you would still own one of those and think it cool," he smirks and I reach over ready to draw a teardrop under his eye.
"Hey hey hey," he calls out and backs away from me.
"You're right. What the hell I am thinking?" I reach into the bag and pull out a different marker, "you need blue for tears."
"Bella, there's no way in hell I'm letting you color in some tears on my face."
"Well are you actually gonna cry?" I ask and chuckle, "I don't think so, c'mere".
He leans forward and laughs. This is what I love about my best friend. Never willing in the beginning, but he always bends at the end.
I draw a small blue teardrop under his eye and smile. Honestly, he looks fucking stupid and that's a huge achievement for someone like him. Someone so handsome.
"Do I look believable?"
"You look as believable as that muffin crumb you tried to pass off as a mole last week." I grin at the memory, lightly spit on my thumb and reach over to wipe off my handy work.
"Ew," he leans away again, "use one of your makeup wipes!"
"I don't have any makeup on. Why would I have one of those? Oh, I know!"
I hop up and run to his bedroom in search for the answer.
"Hey Edward!" I call when I don't find what I'm looking for. "Where's all of Tanya's stuff?"
"In a box in the kitchen!"
I head into the kitchen and peer into the box. I pluck the pink box I caught her buying and chuckle, "I can't believe he let her keep this here," under my breath.
"Oh hell no," Edward stands and backs away towards the fireplace.
"Oh they were good enough for her pussy but not your face," I raise a brow, trying to keep in my laughter.
"Bella keep her Vagisil wipes away from me or—
"Or…" I start while he looks around…and lands on my cake, the bastard.
He heads towards it and raises my fork ready to destroy.
"You wouldn't dare."
"You want to bet?" His ever-present grin lifts into a smirk and I almost throw the box at him to get rid of it.
"Ed—
"Eddie? Baby I'm here, open up!" Thank God this is the last I'll have to hear of that screeching.
I hold up a finger and head over to the couch, tossing the box beside me.
"Stall her," I whisper as I pick up the black sharpie and finish my work. Just as I finish the balloons, Edward goes over to let her in.
"Eddie!" Tanya screeches and lifts her arms to sweep him into a hug, "what's this on your face?"
He backs away and that's when she notices me. She shoots me a glare and looks to Edward questioningly.
"Tanya I've been meaning to do this for a while." He rakes a hand through his hair and my stomach drops.
I don't know what I'm doing here. As much as I dislike Tanya, she doesn't deserve to be broken up with an audience to watch. I stand up from my seat ready to sprint back to Edward's room.
"No Bella you stay," she points a prickly finger at me, "I knew it. I knew you two were having sex behind my back."
I blanch and look at Edward in a panic.
"Tanya, I would never," Edward starts.
"Tanya we have never had sex," I stand with arms outstretched just in case the looney bird flies at me.
"I see the way you look at her Edward, and you! You couldn't wait for Mike to dump your pitiful ass."
I don't answer the first part, but I'm starting to believe the second.
"Tanya, that's enough." Edward reaches out to her for whatever reason, but Tanya's already on her way over to me. For years to come, I'll shudder at the memory of what happens next.
She takes her break-up-bear and shoves it into my cake. My amazing-ass chocolate lava cake and I just about slap her. She takes the balloons and waves them around as if to keep us at a distance and heads into the kitchen.
Edward inches closer and closer to me as we hear all three balloons popped. Two minutes later Tanya returns with her box in her hand and stares. Just stares.
I slowly pick up her box of Vagisil wipes and pass them over to Edward. Can't forget those.
"I'm sorry we didn't work out Tanya," he sighs and quickly drops them in.
Tanya's glare never leaves me and I take a seat behind Edward on his couch. Where I'm sure I'll be sleeping tonight. I can't risk her following me home.
Tanya takes out the item, throws it at us and storms out of the apartment.
I pick up the box and place it at the top of the fireplace, "momento?"