Since Guest (Nat) asked so nicely, I worked a little overtime on this one.
Also, to the other guest who keeps asking me to update 'Wherever you will go'? It's complete. I do, however, have something else I'm working on. Let's just say it's 'Wherever You Will Go - 2.0'
I own nothing. All characters/storylines belong to Shonda. I'm simply 'borrowing' them.
I Will Be
Unable to process what had just happened, what Callie had just said, Arizona took off in the opposite direction. She needed to breathe. To think. Her girlfriend had held her last night, and told her that everything was okay. Her girlfriend had defended her just this morning on her mother's porch, but now? Now she was telling her 'she got it'. Gets what? What does she get? Trying to remain calm, Arizona shoved her hands in her pockets and slowed her stride. Have I given her the impression that I'm going to leave? Have I given her a reason to believe that I don't want her? Us? Tears falling from blue eyes, Arizona placed her head in her hands and sobbed.
I thought she trusted me. I thought she knew I was all in. Struggling to figure out where she had gone wrong, Arizona turned around to find Callie making her way up towards her. Turning her back again, the blonde continued to walk away from her girlfriend. Girlfriend? Is she even my girlfriend anymore? Scoffing to herself, she caught sight of a diner across the road and decided it would be a good idea to head inside. She has just given me her freaking blessing to leave. To go back to Natalie. Groaning, she crossed the street and made her way inside the diner.
Ordering a strong coffee, the blonde slid into a booth and placed her head back. This isn't happening. Anyone else? Arizona would have just shrugged and walked away, but right now? Right now she was truly hurt by Callie's words. She couldn't believe the brunette had simply replied with 'I don't know'. What does that even mean? She doesn't know? Furrowing her brow, she tried to figure out Callie's words. She doesn't know if she trusts me? She doesn't know if she loves me? She doesn't know if I'm going to leave her and go back to the woman who broke my heart? This was messed up. So messed up that Arizona wasn't even sure how she felt right now. She wanted to shout and she wanted to scream but she couldn't. She felt so deflated right now that she just wanted to sleep. Forever.
The clearing of a throat caused the blonde to flinch in her seat. "C-Can I sit with you?"
Shrugging her shoulders, Arizona didn't even make eye contact. "Whatever."
Sliding into the booth opposite Arizona, Callie sighed. Placing her hand over the blondes, her heart broke when she pulled away. "Arizona, I'm sorry."
Nothing. No words. No movement. No… anything.
"I just, I thought it was okay. I thought I was okay with all of this. I mean, I am, but I'm a little scared." Callie tried to give some sort of explanation for her behaviour. Her words.
Zero.
"Please talk to me, Arizona." The brunette's voice broke. "I didn't mean for it to end like this. I just, you didn't say anything when I brought up the house thing, so I freaked. I'm sorry."
The waitress bringing Arizona's coffee caused the blonde to sit up and open her eyes. Thanking the older woman, she added a little sugar and gave the black liquid a quick stir. Taking in the scent of her beverage, she closed her eyes once more and sipped. Jeez, that tastes like shit! Deciding to force the disgusting coffee down, she added a little more sugar and persevered. "You really hurt me today," Arizona spoke so quietly that she wasn't even sure Callie had heard her.
"I didn't mean to." Callie ducked her head to try and catch the other woman's gaze. "I never should have said that."
"But you did." The blonde gave her girlfriend a sad smile.
"I know." Tanned fingers ran through dark hair. "I, uh, I-" Sighing, Callie realised she didn't have an explanation for her actions. Yes, it was foolish to say what she did, but did it stem from somewhere? Was she unintentionally holding her emotions in without realising?
"I knew it was too good to be true." Arizona scoffed.
"What?" Tears fell from brown eyes. "W-What are you talking about?"
"You, this morning. Last night. Hell, since we first encountered Natalie together. I should have known you wouldn't be okay with it. Why would you be? I mean, I was going to ask the woman to marry me before she fucked my best friend, so why? Why the hell would you be okay with it?" Arizona laughed. "I should have known."
"Y-You were going to ask her to marry you?" Brown eyes widened. I mean, I know she loved her, but marriage? Wow!
"Yeah. Is that so hard to believe?" The blonde scoffed.
"What? No. I just, I didn't realise it was going that good."
"It was. It was going extremely good… for the most part." Arizona sighed. "It was only towards the end that things changed. I'm talking weeks, not months, so yeah, I was very happy until around 18 months ago."
"Wow, you really loved her, huh?" Brown eyes dropped to the table in front.
"Yeah, I did." Pale fingers ran through blonde curls. "But, I love you more."
"Arizona, I-"
"No, Callie. No!" The blonde raised her hand between them. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to stand there and back me up in front of her and then give me your blessing to leave. You don't. What you said today? Hurt. It hurt so freaking much."
"But, you just said you were going to marry her. You loved her, a lot, Arizona. You don't just lose your feelings for someone like that. It doesn't just disappear."
"Except it does." Arizona scoffed. "When the one woman you loved more than anything, the woman you thought you spend forever with… cheats on you? Those feelings do just disappear. Some people may be able to forgive, but I don't. I don't forgive the people who break my heart."
"I never meant to hurt you." Callie tried once again to place her hand over the blondes. Thankful when she didn't pull away, she immediately tightened her grip. "Please believe that I never meant to hurt you."
"I may have loved her, but I love you more. It may have been good with her, great even, but it's so much better with you. As for the marriage thing? I'd marry you tomorrow given half the chance."
"I love you, Arizona." Callie stood and pulled her girlfriend up. Wrapping her arms around her waist she pulled her into an embrace and held her tight. "I didn't ever mean to hurt you."
"Come on, we need to get back out on the road." Throwing down some cash, Arizona silently led her girlfriend out of the diner and back towards her car.
Sat quietly in the passenger seat of her girlfriend's car, Callie felt awful. She had never meant to hurt Arizona. She was the only person who had been there for her over the past year, and although she had been through some tough times, Arizona had given her a reason to believe that love did exist. She gave her a reason to believe that she could be happy. Truthfully, Callie never imagined herself with someone so beautiful, or perfect. Yes she did often wonder if it was too good to be true, but Arizona had been supportive, loving, and just an all round amazing girlfriend who had stood by her so far. So why now was she thinking the worst? Why was she waiting for the day that the blonde packed up her bags and left? It didn't make any sense. None of it. You really need to get a grip. She doesn't have time for your crap.
Placing her hand on the blonde's thigh, Callie gave it a squeeze and closed her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Arizona."
Giving her girlfriend a slight nod, Arizona kept her eyes on the road. They would be home in under thirty minutes, and they had plenty of time to talk. They had to talk. If Callie was worried, it caused Arizona to worry and that didn't sit well with the blonde. "I know you are." She had always been honest with Callie, and she had never kept anything from her, so right now, she rattled her brain for anything she may have missed.
If it had happened, Arizona would tell her. Struggling to find anything other than what she had told her, she figured it could only be a good thing.
The day had started out a little strange, but after confronting Natalie, Arizona had only fallen more in love with Callie. How she had backed her up? No one had ever done that for her before. How she had bigged her up? No one had done that, either. She was telling the truth when she told Callie that she loved her more. She truly did. She had always hoped that one day Natalie would have some sort of place in her life, even Julie, but as the days passed, and the heartache consumed every inch of her being, she had settled for no contact. She didn't need the contact. Not with either of them.
Sure, memories had come flooding back when she saw Natalie, but that didn't mean she still loved her. That didn't mean she about to walk back through the brunettes door and take her in her arms. It simply meant that they had once been something. They had once shared a connection. They had once loved each other. That was now all in the past, and Arizona truly hoped that Callie could believe that. If she couldn't, or wouldn't, then they could never be together.
One year, that was all the time they had known each other. One year, but Arizona felt as though they had spent a lifetime together. The most amazing life. Surely it could only get better from here? Surely Callie knew just how much she meant to Arizona?
Those questions would be answered soon. Before the night was out, she would make sure Callie knew everything.
Stepping off of the elevator, the couple made their way down the corridor and slid their key into the lock. Stepping inside, Arizona felt like she had been away forever. It had only been four days, but the feeling she had right now, coupled with the coldness of her apartment left her a little unsure of their current situation.
"Should I order in?" Callie questioned as she placed her bag down near the entrance of the hallway leading to their bedroom.
"Sure. I'm good with whatever you want." Pulling out a couple of beers from the refrigerator, Arizona took a seat on the couch and lifted her feet onto the coffee table.
"Pizza?" The brunette raised an eyebrow.
"Sure. Sounds good."
Knowing their order by heart, Callie called their favourite pizza place and ordered their food. Ending the call, she moved around into the living room and took a seat at the opposite end of the couch. "It, um, it's going to take a little longer. There is a game on tonight."
"Okay." Pale shoulders shrugged. The TV powered on, Arizona began flicking through the channels for something half decent. Groaning as she went through each channel, she left it on a random trashy show and threw the control down on the coffee table.
Sensing the mood her girlfriend was in, Callie cleared her throat. "A-Are we okay?"
"I hope so," Arizona stated as she focused on the flat screen in front of her.
"That's not really an answer, Arizona."
"I'm sorry but I don't have anything else for you, Cal." Pale shoulders shrugged. "I thought we were okay when we left my parents house. Turns out that we weren't, so?"
"I never should have said it." Callie grit her teeth. How can you be so fucking stupid? "I just, I had a moment. I've never been jealous of anyone before. No one has ever gotten close enough to whoever I was with for me to be jealous."
"Seriously?" Arizona scoffed.
"Honestly. Before Suzanne, it was just like one-nighters. Neither of us cared what happened, and then I was the only asshole ever stupid enough to stay with Suzanne, so no, I've never been in this situation before. Everything since meeting you has been new."
"How do you mean?" The blonde furrowed her brow.
"Everything. The love? It's new. The attention? It's new. The hand holding and the cuddles in bed? New. So, the idea of being with someone who has an ex who cares about them enough to send stupid messages trying to split us up? Very very new." Brown eyes dropped to the beer label barely holding on to the glass bottle. "It's no excuse, but it is all very very new to me. This. Us. All of it."
"I'm not her, Callie. I never will be her. You have to understand that."
"I do."
"But do you? Really?" Blue eyes narrowed. "Because after today? I'm not so sure."
"I do, I promise." Callie glanced back up to find a broken blonde staring back at her. "No one has ever turned down someone else for me. No matter what the situation was. Then when I asked you about moving in together, it was like you just… froze!"
"You know what I was doing when you asked me that? I was trying to hold back the excitement of moving in with you. You know, in case we didn't find what we wanted right away. In case it's not as plain sailing as we think."
"Really?" Callie sighed.
"Yes, really. You asked me how long it would take us to find somewhere. I was trying to figure it out. I was just in my happy bubble. B-But then you said what you said. How you got it? What did that even mean?"
"Just that I understood if you wanted to go back to her. You know, after you'd seen her, you may have changed your mind. After she had spoken to you."
"So what? I spoke to her the morning after we arrived."
"Yeah?"
"I then came upstairs and had you scream my name. Did you think I was just going to give you what I thought you needed and then go back to her? Pack my bags in front of you and then make my way down the street to her?"
"No." Dark curls shook. "That's not what I'm saying."
"Were you giving me an out, Callie?"
"MAYBE I WAS!" The brunette raised her voice. Shocking herself, she placed her hand over her mouth. Suzanne would have punched me if I spoke to her like that. Closing her eyes and taking a breath, she steadied herself and waited for the blonde's response.
"Why would you do that? Is it your way of saying that you don't want to be with me? Do I need to find myself a hotel?" Arizona placed her beer down on the coffee table and stood. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, CAL!"
Flinching at the sight of Arizona almost hulking out, Callie pulled her knees up to her chest and shook her head. Tears falling from brown eyes, she repeated "Don't" over and over. Rocking her body gently, she closed her eyes and tried to breathe. "Please, don't."
Her back turned on the brunette, Arizona was yet to see the state her girlfriend was in. "Don't what?" Arms flailing around, Arizona turned to see the petrified brunette huddled up in the corner of her couch. Oh god.
Rushing to her side, Arizona dropped to her knees and froze. "Callie, I'm so sorry. I-I" Watching the brunette bring her hands up in front of her face as some sort of defence, the blonde backed away. Moving further away, she almost tripped over their luggage before finding the furthest corner and sliding her body down the wall. She thought I was going to hit her. Sobs shaking her body, Arizona sat, void. They'd never fought before. Never. Sure, Callie had freaked out before, but it was never during an argument. It was usually when something triggered a flashback. Something that didn't directly involve Arizona.
Devastated at the sight in front of her, she didn't know what to do. She knew that right now there would be no reasoning with Callie, and she didn't want to approach her, so she removed her body from the floor, moved as far away as possible, and pulled out a pen. Stood at the kitchen counter, she scribbled the words 'I'm sorry' on a piece of paper and quietly made her way down the hall.
The click of the door closing told Callie she was safe. She knew she was safe, no matter how many arguments they had. But something had triggered her old response to such a situation and she hated it. She hated that she had just silently accused the woman she loved of potentially being abusive. She hated that Natalie even walked this earth. She hated herself.
Groaning as the sunlight hit her eyes, Arizona pulled her pillow from behind her and pushed it into her face. She couldn't wake up just yet. A little more sleep would do her some good, and she couldn't face her girlfriend right now. Immediately noticing that Callie's side was untouched, her heart dropped into her stomach and fresh tears started to fall from already swollen blue eyes. She's gone. I know she has. Well done, Robbins. You fucked up big time.
Removing her destroyed body from her bed, she quietly stepped out of her bedroom, still dressed it yesterday's clothes. Making her way down the hall, she listened for any sign of Callie. Hearing light snores, she released the breath she had been holding and made her way into the kitchen. Pizza sat on the counter, untouched. Never in her life had she felt so devastated. Deciding that she shouldn't be in the same room as the brunette right now, she took herself back off down the hall and closed her bedroom door.
I mean, I get that she's had a bad time, but we should be able to argue like any other couple. I cannot go through that again, but I also can't promise that we won't argue. Torn, she slipped out of her clothes and changed into some clean ones. A shower could wait until later. Checking the clock, it was just before nine. Picking up some pumps, she made her way back out of her bedroom and slipped them on when she reached her apartment door. Lifting the handle of her luggage, she picked up her cell phone and wheeled her bag to the door. Do I leave her a note? Do I kiss her goodbye? Unsure, she waited for a moment. Deciding she would be best to just leave, she unlocked her apartment door and grabbed her purse.
"W-Where are you going?" A husky, sleep filled voice called out.
Glancing back at the brunette now sitting up on her elbows, Arizona tried to compose herself. "I, uh, I figured it would be best to leave. Stay as long as you need to, I'll stay at a hotel or an on-call room."
"No, please don't." Callie's voice broke. "Please don't go."
"Callie, I love you more than anything in this world, but I cannot stay here when I know how frightened you were of me last night. I won't do it."
"I-I'm not."
"You thought I was going to beat you, Cal. I only yelled because you yelled at me." She sighed. "Just, please stay here as long as you need. Don't worry about rent. I'll take care of it. I think you need some space right now."
"No!" Shooting up from the couch, the brunette ran towards the door and stood in the way of her girlfriend. "You can't leave."
Forcing the blonde back inside, Callie jammed her body between the door and her girlfriend. "No." Tears falling, the brunette shook her head. "T-This, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. Being with you. You make me the happiest I've ever been, Arizona. The happiest. I'm terrified of losing you."
"Cal-"
Holding her hand up between them, Callie sighed. "I'm insecure, okay? I saw the goddess you used to share your life with, and I freaked. So, yeah, I was giving you an out. I wouldn't make you choose between me and her."
"That last night was not you being insecure. That was you terrified of me."
"I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about what led up to it. Yeah, I was jealous. She's known you a whole lot longer than me, and she's been with you through so much. I just, I don't like her. And I don't like the mess she has made. I mean, look at us? You are standing at your apartment door, ready to leave. To leave me." Callie's voice broke. "You cannot leave me."
"This? Me leaving? It has nothing to do with Natalie. I'm sick of talking about her. She has no relevance in my life anymore. None whatsoever."
"Then take off your jacket and stay, please?" The brunette gave Arizona a pleading look.
"H-Have you ever thought about therapy?" The blonde spoke barely above a whisper.
"For what? For my jealousy?" Callie scoffed.
"No, Cal. For what you've been through."
"No, and I don't plan on going to therapy either. I don't need to sit there and tell some stranger about how many times I've been beaten. I don't need to sit and tell them 'how it made me feel' when she kicked the shit out of me."
"I-I think you do." Arizona gave a sad smile. "I think you need to speak to someone. Someone who can tell you that we aren't all like her. It broke my heart to see you so frightened last night. Frightened of me. I just, I don't think I can be here right now."
"So, that's it? I freaked out and now you are walking away?"
"No, baby." Blonde curls shook. "I'd never walk away from you. I just, you need a little space. You know, to think about things."
"I don't need to think about anything. I know what I want, and who I want." Tanned hands gripped onto Arizona's waist. "I only want you, Arizona."
"And you have me." She smiled. "You know that."
Stepping away from Callie, the blonde placed her luggage in the corner of her room. The same corner she had last night backed into when she saw the look of horror on the brunette's face. "I, uh, I'll head to the hospital. Check out what shifts we have when we go back in a couple of days."
"T-Then you'll be home?" Brown eyes lit up.
"Yeah, later. I think I'll catch up on some paperwork. Just, take some time to think, Cal. Think about what you need to do."
"I-I-"
Placing her hand on the door handle, Arizona turned it and made her way out into the corridor. Glancing back at her girlfriend, she gave her a slight nod and smiled. "Think about the therapy."
Thanks for reading, guys. Looking forward to your reviews. The more the merrier. Hit me with them!
I'm not likely to be on here again today so I'm wishing each and every one of you, wherever you may be in the world, a wonderful and loving 2017. Thank you to everyone who has spent their 2016 reading my fics. Even if I only started writing in July. It means so much to me that people care about my writing.
Sending huge amounts of positivity to all of you for the new year. You lot truly are the best!
PS, Calzona WILL rise!
One love! X