Thanks for your recent reviews. Also, thank you to NKOTBROCKS2007 for your review and for sharing your thoughts. Means a lot.
I own nothing. All characters/storylines belong to Shonda. I'm simply 'borrowing' them.
I Will Be
Sat in the same spot she had been in for almost two hours, Callie was struggling. With everything. Right now she wanted nothing more than wrap Arizona up in her arms and never let her go. But she couldn't. She couldn't because her girlfriend was nowhere to be seen, and she wasn't answering her calls. Callie knew the blonde was dealing with things. She would often take herself off into another room if she had things on her mind, and that was fine. It was fine because she had seen the love in those baby blues as Arizona left her apartment. But, she could also hear the hurt and the heartache in that voice. The voice which had been nothing but supportive and strong since they had met. And now I've messed it up.
Sighing, she ran her fingers through her hair. How could I ever have done that to her? Why did I flinch? Why did I hide away? She would never hurt me. I know that. You need to fix this, Torres. You cannot have a relationship like this. You need to fix yourself. Arizona isn't the problem here. She has never been the problem.
Opening her message tab on her cell, she sent off a quick message and sat back. I have to do this. I have to fix myself. Callie knew that Arizona could only do so much to help her. To help her situation. The rest? She had to do it for herself.
Hey, I miss you. I'm about to make a call. I've taken your advice and I'm going to see a therapist. I love you - Callie x
Making the call she had never imagined she would, her voice trembled and her stomach somersaulted. It's the right thing to do, Cal. For both of you. Remembering the look on Arizona's face as she was about to leave with her luggage gave Callie all the confirmation she needed. She knew she was doing the right thing. Sure, her own image may be a little hurt if people knew she was in therapy, but those people had no idea what she had been through. They didn't know she was choked in bed most nights instead of making love. They didn't know that she would usually have a plate of food thrown at her head instead of enjoying dinner with the woman she loved. They didn't know anything. It's not their business.
All that mattered was that Callie did was was right for her relationship. The only relationship she had ever been sure of.
Powering off her computer, Arizona flicked off the screen and sat back in her seat. Her cellphone had been set to silent all day, and although she desperately missed her girlfriend, she refused to allow their situation to disappear into thin air. It wasn't as simple as that. The problems they now faced were real, and rather than shove them to the back of her mind, she figured it would be best for them to work on them. We have to work on them. Checking the time, it was a little after nine at night. Jeez, time flies, huh?
Wondering what she had even spent her day doing, she stood from behind her desk and turned out the light. Her cell still sat on her desk, silent, she pulled the blanket down from the back of her couch and settled her tired body down. She needed to think. She had to give Callie space, even if the brunette hadn't asked for it, and insisted that she didn't need it. It won't do any harm. Closing her eyes, she lay her head back and felt her body relax. The first time since yesterday. She could feel sleep taking over, and she knew that she should head back to her apartment but she couldn't. She couldn't face Callie right now. She couldn't look into those brown eyes that had shown nothing but fear last night. She couldn't bring herself to be in the same room as her girlfriend, and that hurt more than anything Callie had said to her last night. That hurt more than any 'I get it' she had heard fall from those red lips.
Would that feeling ever pass? Would she ever hold the brunette again? Could they move past the idea that Callie was last night terrified of the blonde? Arizona didn't know. She didn't know what the future held, and that caused an overwhelming sense of anxiety to settle in the pit of her stomach. I'm scared.
Allowing her body to take over, she drifted off into another world. One that didn't include fear or worry. One that only held her and Callie locked in each other's arms.
A little over an hour later, Arizona felt a presence in her office. Sleep felt too good to give up right now, so deciding that she wouldn't give in to the temptation of consciousness, she pulled her blanket up closer to her chin and turned on her side. I need to sleep. Hoping whichever nurse was stood before her would take the hint, she blocked out all thoughts.
The familiar scent of a beautiful brunette hitting her senses, blue eyes finally flickered open. Calliope. Tears immediately forming in blue eyes, Arizona closed them once more. She cannot be here right now. Knowing that Callie was knelt down in front of her, Arizona sat up and moved to the opposite end of the couch. Blanket still covering her body, she kept her hands beneath it and found a spot on the wall in front of her to concentrate on.
"Arizona?" Callie furrowed her brow. She knew they had things to talk about, but this? Her girlfriend moving away from her? The inability to look at her?
Blonde curls shook. Then nothing. Continued silence.
"Baby?" Moving closer to the blonde, Callie knelt in front of her once again. "Please, talk to me."
"I-I can't." The words fell from pink lips almost silently.
Placing her hands on Arizona's thighs, Callie gave the other woman a sad smile. "You can. I'm right here, Arizona."
"I-I'm scared to even look at you." Blue eyes dropped their gaze from the wall and down into her blanket covered lap.
A single tear from brown eyes caused Callie to quickly wipe it away and clear her throat. She had to be strong right now. She had to show Arizona she could be strong. What does she mean she can't look at me? Why is she scared? "Why?"
"Because if I look at you, I'm scared that all I will see is you… terrified for your life on my couch. I'm scared that when you look at me, you will see her. I'm scared that we can never go back to how it was."
Shit! This has affected her way more than I thought it would. This isn't good… at all. Ducking her head and trying to find Arizona's sight, Callie brought her hand up to the blonde's chin and curled her fingers. "It's okay."
"It's not," Arizona stated, flatly before dropping her gaze again.
Closing her eyes, Callie brought her hands up to the top of the blanket and pulled it away from her girlfriend's body. Taking pale hands in her own, she brought them up to her lips and began kissing along Arizona's knuckles. "These hands? They could never hurt me." Placing a light kiss on both of her wrists, Callie smiled. "These arms? The only thing they do is hold me. They hold in the most amazingly perfect way."
Tears falling from blue eyes, Arizona let out a sob she had been holding back. She'd held her emotions in all day, but now? They were freely flowing from her entire being. Her lips, her touch. God.
"I need you to look at me, Arizona. Please?"
Baby blues glancing up, the hesitation was clear from the blonde. It was obvious that she was frightened to touch the brunette. Every second that passed broke her heart a little more. "I, uh."
"You don't have to say anything." Callie placed a finger against the softest pink lips and sighed. "Just please look at me while I speak." Gaining a slight nod from the blonde, Callie silently thanked whoever was listening up there and smiled. "I know I freaked last night, I know that. I didn't mean to, i-it wasn't because of you, I swear. I just, I was shocked that I'd raised my voice. Then when you yelled back, I was even more shocked. I know I have things to deal with, and I promise I will, I just, please, I need you to know that I'm not scared of you. That, last night? I didn't expect it to happen. I guess it was just my bodies instant response. I didn't intentionally do that, I promise you, Arizona."
Staring into the brown eyes in front of her, only highlighted by the moonlight streaming through the window, Arizona sighed. "I know you have been through a lot, Callie. More than anyone should ever have to go through, but that broke my heart."
"I'm sorry."
"No, you don't have to be sorry. Me yelling was always going to cause that reaction. I didn't think, so I'm sorry."
"No, Arizona. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around me in case I freak. We won't work like that. Nobody would. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I'm sorry for causing you to hurt, it honestly wasn't my intention."
"C-Can I hold you?" Arizona asked a little hesitantly. Things were far from okay, but Arizona needed something. Some sort of connection right now.
Standing, Callie lifted Arizona's arms above her head and straddled her legs. "Please." Wrapping her arms around the blonde's neck, she felt strong protective arms pull her in and wrap around her waist. Dropping her head down to the curve of Arizona's neck, the brunette took in the scent she had missed for over 24hrs. To anyone else, that wasn't a big deal, but to Callie, the blondes familiar scent was protective. It was safe. It was love. "I love you so much, Arizona."
"Can we go home?" The blonde croaked, trying hard to suppress her sobs.
"Grab your things, and let's get out of here." Callie smiled as she placed a light kiss to pink lips. "Let's go home."
Reaching her apartment door, Arizona stopped and thought about the previous night. Shuddering at the image recreated in her mind, she took Callie by the hand and turned the brunette around to face her. "Callie, are you sure you are okay with me being here?"
Furrowing her brow, Callie was a little-taken aback. Does she honestly think I'm scared of her? Is she really that worried? "Of course it is. First of all, it's your apartment anyway, and second? I don't want you away from me a minute longer."
"Okay." The blonde gave a slight nod. Watching her girlfriend slip her key into the apartment door, she took a deep breath and followed her inside. The place was spotless. Cleaned from top to bottom. "Callie, did um, did you spend the day cleaning?"
"Um, yeah." She shrugged. "It's something I do when I'm nervous."
"Right." A slightly dimpled smile appeared. "You, uh, you did a great job, but you didn't have to do it."
"Yeah, I'm not just an awesome surgeon, and I wanted to do it. Helps me to think." The brunette threw Arizona a wink. Adding a little sway to her hips, she made her way into the kitchen and pulled out two bottles of wine. "Drink?"
"Um, sure." Pale shoulders shrugged. "I'm just going to take a quick shower."
"Okay." Brown eyes narrowed. "You… want some company?"
"No, no. You just hang here. I'll be out in five." Arizona smiled as she made off down the hallway and straight into the bathroom.
Sighing, Callie grabbed her glass of red, followed by the bottle and moved into the living room. Taking a seat on the couch, she felt her anxiety return. She's never turned me down before. Knocking back her wine in two gulps, she quickly refilled her glass and took a minute. She's just actually turned me down. Once again finishing her wine off swiftly, she sat back and closed her eyes. I've ruined this. I've ruined us. She's scared to be around me.
The sound of smaller feet padding down the hallway caused the brunette to sit upright. The red wine having already gone to her head, she narrowed her eyes and followed the blonde's form around the kitchen, into the living room, and as she sat down beside her, she pounced.
Swinging her leg over Arizona, she straddled her hips and attacked soft pink with her own needy plump red lips. Hands roaming, she ran her fingertips up and underneath the blondes fresh tank top. Arizona's scent attacking her, spurring her on, she attached her lips to the spot below her ear and bit down. Wincing, Arizona tried to pull back. "Callie, stop." Continuing her assault on the soft toned body she was straddling, the brunette slipped her hand past the waistband of Arizona's shorts and groaned. "Callie, stop!"
"No, I need you, Arizona. I need there to be an us." Once again forcing her lips against the blonde's, Callie gently bit down on her girlfriend's bottom lip.
"Enough, Callie!" Taking a hold of the tanned wrist disappearing below her waistband, she pulled her face away and lost eye contact with the brunette. "Enough." A sigh fell from pink lips.
"Y-You're turning me down… again?" Callie removed herself from her girlfriend's lap and returned to the opposite end of the couch. Sat with her head in her hands, she tried to find a reason for Arizona's behaviour. Sure, they had fallen out, but the blonde had agreed to go home. She had held her in her office. What the hell is the problem?
"It's not about turning you down. You know I love you, Callie." Arizona sighed.
"Then what?" Callie turned to face the other woman. "What the hell is the problem?"
"The problem? Seriously?" The blonde scoffed as she fixed her stare on her girlfriend. "This isn't about sex. It won't fix itself with makeup sex."
"That wasn't makeup sex." Callie stood. "That was me just wanting to be close to you."
Getting to her feet, Arizona gave Callie a sad smile. "That's a lie. It was totally makeup sex."
"Whatever, Arizona." Grabbing her bottle of red and her empty glass, Callie turned to leave the space she was sharing with her girlfriend.
"No." Arizona stood in the brunettes way. "Don't walk away, Callie."
"I'm done fighting with you. When you know what you want, let me know. When you have decided if you want to be with me, let me know!" The brunette spat as she tried to move away from from the woman blocking her path.
"That's not fair." Blue eyes glistened before dropping their gaze to the floor. "That's really not fair." Stepping away from the other woman, Arizona moved back into the living room and took a seat. "If you want to leave, if you don't want to talk, then do your own thing. That's fine."
Watching the blonde sit in silence, Callie realised that she was being unfair. She'd not gotten her own way, so now she was taking it out on the woman who genuinely was upset. The woman who had spent the day locked away in her office for fear of upsetting Callie. "Arizona, I'm sorry." Placing her glass and bottle of wine down on a nearby table, she moved around to the other side of the couch and stood in front of her girlfriend. "I'm sorry."
Teary blue eyes glanced up at her and her stomach turned. She had never seen Arizona so upset, so hurt. "Maybe we should just sleep, yeah?" The blonde's voice broke as she stood and made her way down the hall. "Y-You, um, you can take my room tonight. Our room. I'll take the guest room."
"W-Wait, please."
"Goodnight, Calliope." Arizona closed the door behind her and pressed her back against it. She needed something solid. Something to ground her. Her body sliding down the hardwood, she hit the floor and sobbed. She doesn't understand that I need to give her a little space. She doesn't understand that she broke my heart just yesterday. She doesn't understand that I'm not as strong as she thinks I am.
Eyes flickering open, Callie pulled a pillow over her face and groaned at the thumping in her head. Last night she had locked herself in their bedroom and drank the remainder of her bottle of red. Shit, my head hurts. Turning and stretching her arm out, it was routine. The sadness immediately hit her when she realised that she had spent another night without Arizona beside her. Another night without Arizona's protective arms around her. Another night… alone.
Sitting and bringing her feet to the floor, she placed her palms flat either side of her and steadied herself. Bad idea, Torres. The smell of wine evident in the room, she stood, wrapped her robe around her and moved towards the window. Cracking it a little, she figured it would be a good idea to let a little air in. Arizona will think I have a brewery in here. Checking the time, it was a little after eight. She's probably up already.
Taking a couple of breaths, she left their bedroom and made her way down into the kitchen. Silence and no sign of her girlfriend, she checked the bathroom, before heading further down the hall and coming to a standstill outside the guest bedroom. Knocking lightly, she waited for any sign of life.
Nothing.
Trying the handle, she was relieved to find the door unlocked. Pushing it open a little, she found something stopping her from entering. Pushing a little harder, she was hit with a bang.
"Ow! Shit!" A sleepy voice called from behind the door.
"Arizona?" Watching a hand grip towards the bottom of the door, and then open, Callie furrowed her brow. "What are you doing on the floor?"
Rubbing the top of her head, she groaned. "Must have fallen asleep down here." Getting to her feet, her aching body stumbled over towards the bed and climbed in. "I need another hour."
Watching the blonde bury herself beneath the thick cover, she wasn't sure she even wanted to talk. Not only right now, but ever. "I, uh, okay."
About to step out of the room, Callie changed direction and instead made her way towards the bed. Climbing in behind the blonde, she wrapped her arms around her midsection and held her tight. She needed to feel Arizona's body against her own. She needed to smell her. Touch her. Hold her. Just be.
A hand splayed across a toned stomach, she felt her girlfriend's body begin to tremble. Pulling her in closer, she pressed a kiss below Arizona's ear before lowering her voice. "Baby, I love you more than anything, and I hate seeing you like this." Placing her head in the crook of the blonde's neck, she closed her eyes. "Please talk to me."
"I-I don't, um-"
"Look at me," Callie asked as she removed her arm from around Arizona's waist. "Please."
Turning to face the brunette, blue puffy eyes found dark brown. "I'm tired, Cal."
"And you can sleep soon. I just need you to hear me out, please?" Gaining a slight nod from the blonde, Callie smiled. "Arizona, I'm sorry for what I said last night. I know it was unfair. I just, I don't know what to do. I feel like we are drifting apart and I don't want that. I don't want us to not be together." Tucking a lock of blonde hair behind her girlfriend's ear, she ran her fingertips down the side of Arizona's neck. "I'm going to therapy. I promise. I know that I have issues I have to deal with, and I know that it's not your fault. I never meant for you to ever think it was your fault. You have to know that. Please, just don't push me away."
"I-I wasn't pushing you away, Callie." Arizona sighed. "Y-You, I, you don't trust me."
"I do trust you, Arizona. I trust you with my life."
"That's not true, and we both know it." The blonde laughed. "You have to be honest with me, you have to be honest with yourself. Less than 48 hours ago you questioned my loyalty to you, my love for you. That doesn't just disappear. You don't just forget how you felt."
"It was just me being stupid. I do trust you, Arizona. Natalie just got inside my head. I have to stop letting people get inside my head." Callie stated. "I'll be damned if you I lose you, Arizona."
"We have to work on this." The blonde responded. "Not even the Natalie thing. I'm over that already, well, kind of, but your past. You have to work on your past. Not for us, but for you."
"I know." Callie agreed. "I know exactly what I need to do. Just, promise me you won't spend a night away from me again. I can't bare it, Arizona."
"I just figured you needed a little space."
"I don't. I just need you, with your arms around me. That's all I need." Callie smiled. "Please, I just want you."
"Okay, no more sleeping in separate rooms." The blonde gave a half smile. "I do need to sleep right now, though."
"Can I stay?" The brunette raised an eyebrow. "Just to cuddle?"
"Sure." Snuggling down into the warm body of her girlfriend, Arizona felt a little weight lift from her shoulders. Callie had agreed to therapy, and she truly hoped that it would bring some sort of help to her. Will it help if she brings it all back up again? Will it make things worse? She didn't know. What she did know, though, was that they couldn't move forward without trying something. Anything.
I'll take anything I can get right now. Anything to help the beautiful woman beside me move on with her life.
Thanks for reading, guys. I look forward to your reviews.