Thanks for the reviews, guys. Keep em' coming. Sorry for the delay in updating. This chapter is a little longer than usual so I'm hoping that makes up for the long wait.
**WARNING - CONTAINS THE SUBJECT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE**
I own nothing. All characters/storylines belong to Shonda. I'm simply 'borrowing' them.
I Will Be
Life had been better. Arizona knew that. She knew that there was a tension in the air, and she knew that no matter how hard she tried to block it out of her mind, it wouldn't budge. The feeling of Suzanne's skin on her own was enough to make the blonde baulk, and although she hadn't told Callie the whole story, she knew she would have to eventually. Suzanne had left an impression on her. One which she hoped would be wiped from her mind soon. Knowing that her girlfriend's ex had moulded her body against her own, Arizona found herself stumbling from her bed and out to the bathroom in record time. Emptying the contents of her stomach into the porcelain beneath her, she felt the tears fall from her dull blue eyes. God, this is so fucked up. Settling back on her knees, she held her head in her hands and took deep breaths.
Bringing up her hand, Suzanne gripped onto the blonde's throat and forced her against the counter. "I think we need to spend a little more time together, don't you?"
Narrowing her eyes, Arizona smirked. "You really think I'm scared of you, don't you?"
"Maybe you're not, but you really should be." Suzanne licked her lips and eyed the blonde. "You've no idea what I'm capable of, Arizona."
"Oh, I know exactly what you are capable of. I've seen your handy work, remember?"
"Well then, you should know exactly how this is going to go." The redhead shrugged. Pulling Arizona away from the counter, she backed her up against the wall and pressed her body against the blondes. "You remember the day I was arrested?"
"Oh yes, how could I forget? Greatest day of my life." Arizona smiled. Refusing to back down or show any fear, the blonde continued to humour the other woman.
"Right before you came in here? I was going to make love to my fiancé."
"Ex-fiancé," Arizona stated. "And I can assure you, that was totally one-sided."
"Oh, really? She didn't tell you how wet she was for me?" Suzanne smirked. "She always was hot when she was begging for it."
"Nope. She didn't mention a thing." Arizona knew exactly what had gone on in this same apartment a year ago. She also knew that it was a perfectly normal reaction for the body to respond in that way. However sick it seemed.
"Well, she was. She was soaked."
"Why are you telling me this?" Swallowing hard, Arizona clenched her jaw as she felt the redhead's hand slip between her thighs. "You do nothing whatsoever for me, Suzanne. You really are wasting your time."
"Oh, we'll see." She smiled. "You seem like the kind of woman who would fuck anyone she could get her hands on."
"Wow, thanks for that." Arizona scoffed, feigning offence. "I don't 'get' or put my hands on anyone, unlike you."
"Mm, you love it really. The whole bad girl feel. I know you better than you think." Raising an eyebrow, the redhead popped the button on Arizona's jeans and slipped her hand inside.
Desperate not to give in, and desperate not to retaliate and kick the crap out of the woman who was now about to assault her, Arizona grit her teeth and closed her eyes. Suzanne's breath washing over her face, her heart pounded and her legs started to shake. She was about to blow, and right now, that wouldn't do her, or Callie any good. No, Arizona had to keep her cool. No matter how much this was turning her stomach. She was right, Suzanne did nothing for her, and she never would.
"Ready to go a round with me, Dr Robbins?"
Glancing to her left, Arizona slid her hand out along the wall and gripped onto the edge of the kitchen counter. "Mm, I guess. I mean, Callie would never have to know, right?" Shifting her body and Suzanne's along the wall a little, she stretched out her hand and reached for the block atop the marble counter.
"Never," Suzanne smirked.
Gripping onto the handle of the object she so desperately had to reach, the blonde smiled. Pulling the metal object out of its resting place, she forced the redhead back and brought it up to her throat. "If you don't take your fucking hands off of me, I swear to god I will watch you bleed out on this floor."
Doing as Arizona said, Suzanne, pulled back her hand and stood with her eyes trained on the woman in front of her. "My bad." Raising her hands between them both, Arizona dropped the item from her hands and took a breath, the wall her best friend right now, and the only reason she was still standing.
Feeling the back of Suzanne's hand connect with her face, she felt the searing pain shoot through her entire face. Eyes watery, she dropped to the floor and closed her eyes.
"If you ever hold a knife to my throat again, I'll do more than slap you. Fucking whore." The redhead's foot connecting with Arizona's ribs, she smiled as heard the gasp leave pink lips.
"You'll never get rid of me. I'm too good to lose."
Finding herself curled up on her bathroom floor, Arizona glanced up to find her girlfriend standing over her. Blue eyes connecting with brown, she gave Callie a sad smile and sat up. Wincing, she held onto the sink to pull herself up and tried to straighten herself out. "Hey."
"Arizona, are you okay?" Callie's voice was trembling. "W-Why are you in here on the floor?"
"Didn't feel too good. Sorry."
"Don't apologise, just…talk to me." Callie sighed. Running her fingers through her hair, she could see that Arizona was struggling with something. "Would you please talk to me?"
"I-I, uh, I think I just need to sleep. I'll be okay in a little while." Wrapping her arms around herself, the blonde slowly moved out of the bathroom and into the hallway.
"Can I hold you?" Callie pleaded. "I really need to hold you, Arizona."
"Maybe later, yeah? I'm a little sore right now." It wasn't a complete lie, but the blonde wasn't sure Callie would be so helpful if she knew what had really happened in her old apartment. The adrenaline of the previous day finally wearing off, Arizona couldn't help but wonder if she had done something wrong. Did I cheat on her?
"Oh, okay." Shoulders slumped, Callie moved away from her girlfriend and gave her a little space.
"Callie, wait." Arizona croaked out. "I-I'm sorry. It's not you, I promise. Just, um, I'm just processing."
"Sure." Tanned shoulders shrugged.
Watching her girlfriend leave the space they had shared, Arizona felt her heart breaking. She won't care that I didn't want it. She will just think it was all consensual. I'm the one who went to Suzanne's apartment. She won't see it any other way. Shaking her head and wiping away a stray tear, she stepped into the bedroom and closed the door. Sinking down into her king-size bed, she closed her eyes and begged for the images in her head to stop.
Stepping out of her fourth shower in 24hrs, Arizona felt a little calmer than she had earlier in the day. Knowing what she knew, she couldn't keep it from her girlfriend for much longer. In her eyes, not telling meant that there was a reason to hide something. She'd always been raised, to tell the truth, and even if it meant it hurt the person, she couldn't hold it back. It wasn't fair to Callie, and it wasn't fair to herself. Sure, Suzanne knew what she was doing. She knew that Arizona didn't want any of what happened…to happen, but it had, and although she had her reasons for it, she still felt like she had betrayed the one person who meant more to her than anyone else in the entire world.
Not knowing what the future held for her and Callie, it caused the blonde to feel a little unsettled. She hadn't meant to close herself off earlier. She hadn't meant to push her girlfriend away, and that hurt more than anything. Callie was the true victim in all of this. Callie hadn't asked her to go to Suzanne's apartment, she never would. She hadn't asked her to fight her battles or protect her. That was just the kind of person Arizona was. It was how she had always been. She is going to hate me. I can't do this. I can't let down the one person I love, and I cannot allow her to be around me anymore. She will see me as a cheat. I know she will. Wrapping herself up in her robe, she quietly opened the bathroom door and hoped that her presence would go unnoticed.
"Hey." Callie sighed. "I, uh, I made us some dinner."
"O-Oh." Blue eyes focused on the floor. "I don't feel so hungry right now, Cal. But thank you."
"Arizona, you have to eat." The brunette stepped closer to her girlfriend.
"Don't." Stepping back, Arizona retreated into the bedroom and closed the door behind her. What the hell is wrong with me? She is just trying to help. She loves you. She loves you, but for how much longer?
Sat on the edge of her bed, she rocked herself and tried to stop the sob escaping. The sob she had been holding back since she woke a few hours ago. Her body was tired. Tired and aching. She didn't know what to do for the best, and she couldn't bare to look Callie in the eye. Why does putting her away, and going to all of that trouble feel pointless? She still managed to get inside my head. You're an ass, Robbins. You let her in, and now look at you! Embarrassing.
Slipping off her robe, she glanced up at herself in the full-length mirror and scoffed. "Fucking embarrassing." Her bruises a deep purple, the tears finally fell.
"Arizona-" Cutting herself off, Callie's heart broke for her girlfriend.
"CALLIE!" Pulling her robe back up her body, Arizona moved away from the other woman and faced away from her.
"Arizona, this has to stop. I know what she is capable of, I lived with it for two years. There is nothing that would surprise me, but I really need you to talk to me."
"I can't, Calliope." Blonde curls shook. "I really want to, I need to, but just…not yet. Please."
"Why?"
"I just, I need things to be okay for a little while longer." Blue eyes glistened.
"Things are far from okay, Arizona."
"I know that, Cal. I know that we are not okay, but I just need it to be half okay before everything turns to shit."
"Why would it turn to shit?" The brunette furrowed her brow. "I know what happened."
"No." She sighed. "No, you don't."
"Y-You lied to me?" Callie scoffed.
"I didn't lie to you. What I told you…it happened, I just, there's more." Arizona placed her head in her hands and sobbed.
Moving closer to the blonde, Callie decided she wouldn't put up with this distance for much longer. Wrapping her arms around pale shoulders, she held her girlfriend until her sobs lessened. "Arizona, I love you no matter what. You have to know that."
"Callie, this is so much worse."
"It can't be. You protected me…once again. I could never be disappointed in you. If you hit her, if you fought back, that's fine."
"I didn't, the brunettesquestionthough. I really didn't." Sighing, the blonde looked up to find loving brown eyes staring back at her. "I could have. I just, I chose not to. Figured it would be better for you in the long run."
"Then all I can say is…thank you." Callie smiled. "Thank you for looking after me. For loving me. For being more than I could have ever imagined. I love you, Arizona. Forever."
Wrapping her jacket around herself, Arizona made her way inside Joe's and headed straight for the bar. She knew alcohol wouldn't solve any of her problems, but right now, it was the least of her worries. She wanted to feel numb. She wanted to forget about the fact that she allowed Suzanne to do what she did. Sure, it was probably the wrong approach, but it worked. It got Suzanne out of their hair for a long time.
"Double scotch please, Joe." Pulling her body up on the bar stool, she groaned and took a breath. Her ribs had been giving her a little more bother this evening, but she wouldn't show her girlfriend the pain she was in. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm the one who is supposed to protect her.
Handing the blonde her drink of choice, Joe furrowed his brow. "Not your usual, Robbins. Long day?"
"Mm, you could say that." She faked a smile as she sipped on the golden liquid. The sting of the alcohol hitting her busted lip causing her to wince, she dropped her gaze.
"Everything okay?" Joe questioned. "You, uh, you don't look so good."
"Yeah. All good. Just took a tumble a few days ago." She lied. God, I sound like a victim myself now.
"Well, it looks pretty painful." He gave the blonde a sad smile. "Just shout if you need anything, yeah?"
"Sure. Thanks, Joe." Giving the bar owner a nod and a smile, she toyed with her glass before pulling out her cell phone.
Finding a text message from her girlfriend, she sighed and unlocked the screen.
Hey, I've just arrived home. I miss you. Will you be late? - Callie x
A genuine smile gracing her lips, Arizona hit the keybthe brunette's question.
Hey, just out catching some fresh air. I'll be home soon. - A x
Okay, so it wasn't entirely the truth, but she didn't want her girlfriend heading out alone to find her. Not when it was cold and dark outside, and not when she had been working on a stack of papers at the hospital. Did she go to work because of me? Couldn't blame her if she did.
Great. I love you - Callie x
Smiling at the words visible on the screen in front of her, she had to hold back her emotions. Will she still love me when she knows what happened? Do I even tell her? "Of course I have to tell her. I can't not tell her." Muttering to herself, she rolled her eyes and knocked back her scotch.
Motioning for another, she leant forward and placed her elbows on the bar. Head in her hands, Arizona couldn't help but wonder if she had made a mistake in trapping Suzanne like she had. Sure, she hadn't asked the redhead to be so forward, and truth be told, she had never expected her to act in that way, but she could have knocked her on her ass there and then… but she didn't.
Well, this is a fucking mess. Thanking the bartender for her drink, she quietly sipped on it and glanced around the bar. Would Callie know where she was? Would she come looking for her? She had been off with the brunette, and right now, she fully expected her to come storming into the bar demanding to know what was going on. She had every right to do so. She hadn't done anything wrong, Arizona knew that but right now she wasn't feeling herself, and the best place for her was away from Callie. Away from her girlfriend where she couldn't cause any more issues between them.
Stumbling her way down the corridor, the walls being her best friend right now, she finally made it to her apartment door and fished her keys out of her pocket. Four double scotch later, she was beginning to really feel the effects of the strong liquid. Ugh, she's going to kill me. Slipping her key into the lock, she took a breath and tried to stand… balanced. Nope. Not happening right now.
Pushing the door open, she found the dark brown eyes she had fallen in love with so long ago. God, she's beautiful. "Hey." Swaying in her spot, she tried to gauge the brunette's reaction.
"Hey. You okay?"
"Sure." Putting one foot in front of the other, Arizona made her way through the apartment and towards the hallway leading to her bedroom.
"Arizona." Callie croaked.
Turning back, she found her girlfriend standing in the living room. "Yeah?"
"What's going on?"
"Nothing. Just took a little detour after my walk." She smiled.
"To the bar?" A perfectly defined eyebrow rose.
"Y-Yeah." Wringing her hands, the blonde cleared her throat and shrugged. "Sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" Brown eyes narrowed.
"Everything. Just… for being a mess. For not being able to talk to you. For ruining what we have. For meddling in your past and your own business. I'm just sorry, Callie."
"Ruining what we have? You haven't ruined anything, baby." Stepping closer to the blonde, Callie took her hands in her own and gave her a sad smile. "You could never ruin anything."
"Oh, I, uh, I think I can. I-I think I have." the blonde choked out. "C-Could you just hold me?"
Wrapping her arms around the blonde for the first time in what felt like forever, Callie allowed a single tear to fall. Don't fall apart right now. Tightening her grip, she let the silence settle in the room. Having no idea what to even say, she simply stood quietly, giving Arizona whatever time she needed. What does she mean she thinks she ruined us? Why would she say that? What she did, that was nothing short of amazing.
Pulling back, Arizona locked eyes with the deep brown of the woman clinging to her. "We need to talk, Callie."
"O...kay." The brunette furrowed her brow. "I really don't like where this is going."
"No." Blonde curls shook. "Me neither."
Pulling Arizona by the hand, she guided them both to the couch and took a seat. Turning to face the blonde, she searched her face for some sort of idea as to what was about to happen. Nothing. "Arizona?"
Nothing.
"Arizona, are you breaking up with me?"
Head snapping up, baby blues filled with tears. "No. I told you, I'd never leave you."
"Then what is going on?"
"I, um-" Taking a breath, she tightened her grip on the tanned hands in her own. "Something happened… a-at the apartment. With Suzanne."
"What?" Brown eyes widened. "What did she do, Arizona?"
How does she know Suzanne did something? Does she not think I can fend for myself? Um, Robbins? Look at your sad ass. You don't look like you can handle yourself. "S-She… touched me."
"Yeah." The brunette scoffed. "I can see that."
"No, Callie." Blue eyes dropped their gaze. "I don't mean that."
"Oh God." Hands coming to cover her mouth, Callie gasped. "She didn't. P-Please, tell me she didn't?"
"No. Well, yeah. I mean… God, this is just fucked up." Standing, Arizona began pacing the floor. "Callie, what happened in that apartment, I know I instigated it. I know I let her attack me, but she didn't just land a few punches."
The bile rising in her throat, Callie wasn't sure she was prepared for this conversation. "D-Did she, oh God, did she rape you, Arizona?"
"No." The blonde sighed. "But she did, you know."
"No." Dark curls shook. "I don't know."
"She felt me up. Shoved her hand down my jeans."
"So she did assault you." Callie shot up from her seat.
"Callie, please sit down. It wasn't quite like that."
"Well, she either did, or you had sex with her. So, which is it, Arizona? You aren't making much sense right now."
"Yeah, well my life isn't making much sense either at the minute." Sighing, the blonde took a seat and pulled at her fingers. "I need you to listen to me, and when I've finished you can choose what you want to do. Okay?"
"What do you mean choose what I want to do?" Callie scoffed.
"You can decide whether you want to stay or go."
"I-I don't know where this is going, but I don't like it." Brown eyes stared intently. "Just say what you need to say, Arizona."
Giving a slight nod, the blonde took a breath and closed her eyes. "She didn't assault me, Callie. I mean, some may say that she did, but I didn't stop her. Not at first. That doesn't mean I wanted her, though. If you don't believe anything else, you have to believe that."
Mouth agape, Callie was lost for words. Truly.
"It all happened so fast. First, she was talking about you and how you two did, well, whatever. That's not important right now." Fixing her gaze on those gorgeous brown eyes, she tried to focus. "She was trying to get me to react. She wanted a reaction from me. I don't know if she wanted me to hit her, or just, I don't know. The next thing is, she's got my jeans unbuttoned and her hand is inside."
"I can't do this." The brunette's voice broke.
"Please, just wait," Arizona begged. Thankful that Callie hadn't moved, she figured it was okay to continue. "I didn't stop her… at first, because if I had, I'd of done something I would have come to regret. Sure, I'd have taken great pleasure in hurting her, but what good would it have done me? I'd have lost my job, my home, my life, and probably you." Giving her girlfriend a sad smile, she noticed the brunette's features had softened slightly. "I knew she wasn't going to stop. I knew she would go the whole way. Why? Because it would have hurt me, and it would have hurt you. Meaning she would have won. So, I figured enough was enough."
"D-Did you like it?"
Wow, that was not the response I expected. Shooting up from her seat, Arizona paced the floor. She hasn't just asked me that. "Are you serious?" Throwing her hands up, the rage in the blonde's voice was evident. "Are you asking if I got off on it? Are you asking me if she made me feel the way you do?"
Noticing the change in her girlfriend's behaviour, Callie tried to diffuse the argument that was quickly escalating. "No, I just, I mean-"
"You want to know if I was wet!" It wasn't a question. The disgust in Arizona's voice almost too much to bare, she shook her head and sighed. "I cannot believe you have just asked me that."
"NO, Callie! No, I wasn't wet. I didn't like it. I held a FUCKING knife to her throat to stop her! A FUCKING KNIFE!" Blue eyes meeting glistening brown, Arizona calmed herself down. "You know, I thought I was doing the right thing. For you. For us. I thought if I trapped her like I did, this would all stop. She would be gone and we could move on with our lives. I never went to that apartment with the intention of fucking your ex-abusive fiancé, and the fact that you think it was something I may have liked, well, right now…I don't even have any words left to give you." Moving away, Arizona dropped her gaze and made her way down the hall.
"Arizona, wait." Callie shot down the hall after her.
"No. I think I've said all I have to say. I knew this wouldn't go how I wanted it to, and I knew this would end like this. Maybe this was a mistake from the get-go. You warned me, and I jumped in any way. I never wanted this to happen, Callie. I never wanted to hurt you, but it seems I'm just some fucking failure like everyone else in your life." The door slamming shut, Arizona retreated under the covers of her cold, lonely bed, and broke. Sobs wracking her body, she wasn't sure she'd ever stop.
Taking in the words that had just fallen from the blonde's lips, Callie stood, shocked. Truly shocked. Has she just ended us? Has she just told me we are over? Shaking herself from her thoughts, she turned the handle and pushed the door open. This can't be it. She has done all of this for me. To help me. To protect me. "Arizona?"
Nothing.
Determined not to give up so easily, the brunette slowly made her way over to the bed occupying the most amazing woman she'd ever had in her life and slipped in beside her. "Arizona, please. I'm sorry."
"No, I am. I told you I'd ruined us. I don't expect you to be okay with this. The only good thing to come from this is the fact that Suzanne can't hurt you anymore. She's gone for a long time, and you are free to live your life wherever and however you want without looking over your shoulder."
"Because of you." Callie sighed.
"Yeah. I'm not sorry for what I did. Yes, I'm sorry for hurting you, but I'm not sorry for my actions. You can be happy now, Callie. With whoever you want to be happy with. That's good enough for me."
"I'm not leaving, Arizona."
"Sure. Until you decide in the morning that you can't even look at me." The blonde scoffed. "Maybe you should contact your parents. See how they are doing."
"If you want me to go, then I will." The brunette's voice broke. "But I'm not leaving you for my own reasons. You'd be breaking up with me."
"I'm just tired of getting this wrong all the time." Arizona cried. "I try to help you, and it just backfires. I don't have anything else to give. I'm done with the drama. I really am."
"That's good, because I am, too." Callie pulled the trembling body of her girlfriend against her. "Thank you for always being there to protect me."
Running her fingers through blonde curls, Callie closed her eyes and concentrated on nothing but her breathing. Yes, her stomach had turned before at the thought of Arizona maybe enjoying what had happened, but once she realised just what Suzanne was like, she knew that her girlfriend had done the right thing. She also knew in her heart that Arizona would never do anything to hurt her. Kicking herself for even ever thinking it, she wasn't sure if words could fix this right now. She's right. If she'd have hurt Suzanne, I'd have been alone. No Arizona. No future. No… nothing.
"I love you, Arizona. No matter what happened in that apartment, I love you." Pressing a kiss to the blonde's forehead, Callie took in her familiar scent. "We are stronger than this. She has gone, and we are going to go away for a little while. I don't even care where. I just, I need it to just be us. I need to reconnect with you. Show you and tell you how much I love you. Thank you."
"You're really not leaving?" Arizona choked out.
"No, baby." Dark curls shook. "We have far too much to do together."
We have too much to do together, and no other person in the world would have done what she did for me. No one else cares for me like she does. No one loves me as much. The love is so intense, I feel as though I'm going to burst most days. She's the only one that matters right now. Arizona Robbins, my one true love. The reason I'm breathing today.
Thanks for reading, guys. Keep the reviews coming. They help a lot.