Chapter CXIX: Seinfieldian Conversations

June 11, 2544 (UNSC Calendar)/

Esztergom (Ezhtergom), Viery Territory, Reach, Epsilon Eridani System

"Finally over," I boasted.

"So quickly?" Pavel groaned. "I've been busting myself to do my hours and get my service done, but Amber needs constant attention."

"I'm almost done myself," Cam said with a shrug. "At least my community service thing was easier than yours."

I agreed, while I was stuck picking up trash from the highway Camilla had to sit with children and read to them. She probably even slapped on secretary glasses and tied her hair up in a ponytail to the complete sexy librarian look. I bet that all the orphans loved her.

"How much do you have left?" I asked Pavel.

"Fifteen hours, I can probably do them in two days."

"What exactly was your thing?" Cam asked innocently.

Pavel looked nervous before mumbling an answer. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Fair enough," she shrugged.

I had no idea what they had him doing, he was probably waist deep in shit looking for missing stuff or something like that. Or maybe he was doing something not very manly, like reading to old people. Is that even a thing?

"Gotta go," he said. "Amber needs some help with Lavanya."

"Hey, when are you going to introduce her to us?" I asked.

"When you're not in a bar."

I looked around. "Makes sense," I shrugged. "Maybe some other day?"

"Of course," he replied. "Just not today, maybe…two days from now."

"Sounds good," I replied. "Say hi to Amber for me."

"Will do, have fun."

"Oh we will," Camilla assured him. "That sounded dirt, didn't it?"

"A lot," I nodded.

"I'll be going…bye…" Pavel said.

As Pavel walked out the door I took a healthy swig from my beer. It was relatively early in the morning so I wasn't about to down any hard liquor.

"When were the rest of the guys supposed to arrive here?" Cam asked.

"Any time now," I replied. "I think they should be here soon."

"Ok."

And soon it was. A few seconds after the exchange the door opened and in barged Lamberti, Rob, and Snark. They seemed a little bit sleepy, but they still smiled and waved before coming towards us. It suddenly occurred to me that it was incredibly sad that we only had one place where we hung out on the entire planet. We were in our mid to late twenties already for God's sake.

"Hey Sarge," Lamberti waved. "Drinking so early?"

I gave him a mock salute with the beer bottle and beckoned for him to join us. They all ordered regular beers while Rob instead asked Lys to get him a light lager. Who the fuck does he think he is? He's not even German, I thought that Scottish people were supposed to drink whiskey all day long. Hence the name, scotch.

Lys brought my friends two Coronas, the go-to beer in most places along with Heineken. Rob got a Tennet's. Don't ask me what that is.

"Did you know," Cam started. "That Heineken and Corona have been on the top of best selling beers ever since the twenty-first?"

"No, I didn't know that," Lamberti told her. "Tell me more."

Damn it, don't tempt her.

"Well, Heineken was the first beer to be drunk on another planet. On Mars as a matter of fact. Brazilian astronauts opened up a six-pack to celebrate their landing. Several American beers followed. Corona only got that honor when the Jovian moons were colonized, they were the first alcohol company to open a brewery on another planet or moon."

"Stop right there," Rob said. "How do you even know that?"

"Please don't stop me," Cam told him. "As I was saying, Corona opened its famous Jovian brewery on Titan in what some considered a publicity stunt. It proved to be an excellent business move. None of the colonists had considered the possibility of alcohol. Sure, they had brought some with them, but not enough to last. The brewery…"

This is actually kind of interesting.

After rambling for about ten minutes Camilla finally stopped. "And that's about it."

"Well, that was actually interesting," Rob pointed out.

"Where's Grigori?" I asked.

"Stayed in New Alexandria," Snark dismissed. "Something about friends, you know, the usual."

I nodded, understanding just exactly what was going on. Pavel wasn't here so I couldn't exchange knowing glances with him. Instead I finished the rest of my beer. I stood up and placed a bill on the table. "For my drink," I explained. "I'll be here at about…say eleven?"

"Where you going Sarge?" Snark asked.

"Frank has got a hot date," Cam teased.

I didn't blush. I don't blush.

"Oh my gosh you do!" Lamberti exclaimed.

"Relax, I was just making a joke," Cam snapped at him.

"Moody much?" Arcangelo complained with a groan. "So Sarge, who's the lucky girl?"

"None of your business," I replied.

"Wait, I was right?"

I shrugged and felt like this would be a great time for reaching into my coat pocket and lighting a cigarette. Would've made for a pretty sweet effect. Unfortunately, I didn't smoke.

"Wow," Cam went on.

"What?" I snapped defensively.

"Nothing! It's just that…you're not the kind of guy that I picture takes girls on dates…"

"Yeah Sarge, you're more like the talk 'em and bang 'em kinda bloke," Rob agreed. "No offense."

"Why would he take offense at that?" Snark asked.

Truth be told, it made me slightly uncomfortable to know that I had that reputation on board my ship.

"Who's the girl?" Lamberti asked again.

I gave him the same answer. "None. Of. Your. Business."

This time he shrugged. "Very well, have fun."

"Isn't it a little bit early to have for a date though?" Rob asked.

"It is," I replied as I made my way out the Grenadier.

"Oh Sarge, you're kind of an ass," he grumbled.

"Don't push it," I warned. I was still his CO.

"Have fun Frank," Cam waved goodbye.

"How come you get to call him Frank?" Lamberti asked her.

I had decided that I had had enough of this shit and just shut the door behind me.

Now, I had about eight hours or so before I had to pick up my 'hot date'. What exactly could I do? There was a strip club just next door, I could spend some time there. Probably not a good idea, I needed money for the date. I could catch a movie, but I wasn't really in the mood for it. Maybe later. A good, long nap always sounded good. I doubt that I could sleep for eight hours in a row, but it would be good. Maybe I could catch up on some reading. My uncle always had me reading classic stuff, trying to mold me into a warrior-poet or something like that. His bones would roll over in our burnt house if he ever found out that I'd been slacking on my reading.

Yes, a book and a nap. I could have a bachelor afternoon and then a date night. It was perfect, I was mixing the best of both worlds!

Now, as soon as I arrived back at my hotel I realized that I had a thousand different unread books in my datapad. Getting the large reading package had been a stupid decision. Just because I didn't have to spend any money on housing, water, or power didn't mean that I was smart about my savings. Sure, the UNSC paid for my hotels and rentals and I lived on board the Inconvenience most of the time, I probably should've had more money in my account than I did.

So I leafed through the equivalent of three hundred pages and took a nap. By the time I woke up I was already in a rush.

"You look good in the coat Sarge," Scarecrow complimented. "Might want to change to another shirt. Buttoned, fancy."

"I like the shirt," Schitzo complained to him. "The coat, on the other hand…"

I took off my coat, sprayed myself with deodorant and changed my shirt.

"Why do you listen to him!" Schitzo complained.

"I'm the angel on his shoulder," Crow said matter-of-factly.

"What does that make me? The devil?"

"No, just an asshole."

I popped an anti-psychotic and both of them disappeared as soon as I blinked.

"Stupid fucking schizophrenia multiple shit disorder and fucking fuck," I muttered as I buttoned up one of my only two buttoned shirts.

This was a simple white shirt, form-fitting, not too fancy. Marina had bought it for me once. I think it had been my birthday or something. There was no way in hell that she could find out about this. And I could always lie and say that I got it on Old Navy or something along those lines. Jeans, boots, white shirt, coat.

Damn I looked good, I had to agree with Scarecrow on that one. I suddenly found myself hoping that he didn't represent my inner gay man. Damn Freud and his stupid theories. The man was batshit crazy, that's what he was.

I stopped and looked myself over on the mirror one last time. I was satisfied with my appearance and walked out. I was nervous as hell, I hadn't been on a date since forever. Marie barely bothered with foreplay, there was no way in hell I could consider any of my encounters with her a date. Same shit with Emily, both of them were bombshells, but not really the kind of girls that I'd wine and dine.

I hailed down a cab and told it where I wanted to go. I didn't know what kind of music to play. Maybe if I played romantic music…no, this wasn't that kind of girl. Maybe I could play epic music, get myself pumped? Nah, staring at the front window for the entire duration of the trip seemed like the right thing to do.

"Thanks," I mumbled, realizing to late that I was talking to a fucking computer.

"You're welcome, Gunnery Sergeant," the cab replied. "Have a good night."

"You too… dammit!" Speaking to a fucking car, what the hell is wrong with you?

"I didn't think you'd keep me waiting."

I turned around and saw my date, she was standing there, wearing what you'd expect a person to wear on a casual date. Form-fitting pants and a nice shirt with a short jacket on.

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "You look beautiful."

Corpsman Hanna Lockley smiled and blushed prettily, looking away for a second. "Thanks," she said finally. "Shall we."

I smiled broadly and walked inside with her.

"I'm telling you, it was weird. It has been so long since I had a date where we didn't jump into bed right after dinner. It's been almost as long since I had an actual date."

"Did she leave with a smile on her face?" Pavel asked.

"Well, she was smiling," I admitted. "I just felt so weird. I mean, I tried being my usual charming self, but this time I had no idea if I was actually succeeding. I felt silly the whole time I was there."

"Funny, that's how I felt when I met Amber."

"Don't imply anything stupid Pavel, I know I'm not good at this dating stuff, but I'm not stupid enough to think that I'm in love with her."

"Fine, fine. I'm just saying that with time you could be. Last time I saw you so pumped was when you first asked Layla out. And I think I'm making that a bigger deal than it actually was."

"Well what am I supposed to do? I lived a sheltered childhood."

"No you didn't. You were just that one kid with the dead parents."

"Man…"

"Sorry, but you know what I mean."

I nodded. "Yeah, yeah. Gotta grow up and shit. I never thought I'd have to get life advise from a kid."

"I'm one year younger than you."

"My point still holds."

"My point still holds. You've gotta grow up and shit."

"Using my words against me, funny. I like it."

"Yeah, maybe I'm spending too much time with you."

"If things worked like that I would know exactly what to do in this situation," I mused.

"You don't naturally know what to do Frank, when you really like someone you get nervous, you feel like a kid again, like a deer caught in the headlights. When you know that a person is really worth it you blank out Frank. That's what love is, learning to live again."

"Is that from a song?"

"No, made it all up by myself," he admitted uncomfortably.

"Man, your first date with Amber must've sucked even more than the wedding."

"Our wedding didn't suck!"

"I wasn't there, of course it sucked."

"Geez, let it go already."

"No," I said firmly. "I won't be happy until you do your fancy new age renewing your vows thing."

"New age? That went out of fashion centuries ago! Literally, centuries!"

"So did flying cars, but that doesn't mean it wasn't awesome!"

"Flying cars were a waste of time, and money," Pavel replied. "They caused more deaths in a week than regular cars in a year."

"They were still awesome god-dammit."

"You didn't even live through flying cars!"

"Neither did you," I returned.

"Ok, this conversation is devolving into a monster," Pavel grunted.

"Tell me about it," Montgomery shot at us. "You're scaring away costumers."

I looked all around me twice. The bar was as empty as it had been when I arrived. The only difference was that now I was here.

"Come on Cap, it's a slow night, that's got nothing to do with us."

"I know," he informed me. "I'm not stupid."

"By the way," Pavel chimed in. "Why is it a slow night? I'm surprised to see that none of the three amigos are here."

"Those little fuckers went to some fancy film festival or sumthin'."

"Everybody's going to that," Lys complained. "I would've been there if you'd let me out. And it's not a film festival."

"Whatever it is, it's bad for business. I'm not exactly rich here."

"What's this festival about anyways?" I asked Lys.

"It's hard to explain…it's like a town fair mixed up with several film festivals and a rave."

"Oh man, I totally could've taken her there," I exclaimed, slapping my forehead.

"Taken who?" Lys asked.

"His date," Pavel informed her.

"Frank. A date."

"Yeah," I said. "What's so hard to believe about that?"

"Dunno, you just don't seem the dating type."

"I don't understand how everyone manages to use that as an insult," I mumbled to myself.

While we could've gone to this festival or whatever it was, both Pavel and I were too lazy to actually stand up from our stools. The rest of the squad wasn't here so I assumed they were having fun pretending to be in their teens. The only difference is that all of them could buy alcohol, a terrible combination if you ask me, but then again, I am known for being something of a hypocrite.

At about one past midnight my phone rang. I groaned and pulled it out of my pocket. There was a text message on the screen. It was from Albaf.

"You getting this?" I asked Pavel.

"Yep," he replied. "Five hours she says?"

"Goddamn." I looked at Montgomery who just shrugged in turn. "Call Camilla," I ordered my phone. It beeped one time before she answered. "Cam, it's Frank, you get the message?"

"Yeah," she yelled into her own phone. I could hear the party noises in the background.

"Are you with-"

"I can't hear you!"

I rolled my eyes. "Are you with the guys?"

"No, but I can find them!"

"Never mind, I'll call 'em, just get out of there."

"Ok!"

"Drunk as fuck huh?" Pavel asked.

"Not that drunk, but pretty much, yeah. Call Arcangelo, Robert, and Naveen," I ordered the phone.

"Hey Sarge!" Lamberti cheered. "Get the message?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Hey Sarge," Rob joined the call."

"Sup," Naveen said.

"Everyone, I want you on the next train, bus, plane to New Alexandria, sober up, ok?"

"But Sarge…"

"Can it," I snapped. "We've never had our leave interrupted so quickly, this has to be important."

"Fine, fine," Lamberti conceded. "They'd better pay us extra for this."

I hung up and looked at Pavel. "What are you waiting for? Go fuck your wife silly."

"That'll take time," he warned.

"I'll do my best to stall," I promised him. "No go."

Pavel dashed towards the door and disappeared.

"I have literally never seen a human being move that fast," Montgomery mused.

"You should see him when jackals are taking potshots at his ass in the open."

"Oh, believe me," Montgomery muttered. "I know the feeling."

I reached into my pocket and placed some money on the counter. "You can give me free drinks with the change," I told the captain. I pulled out my phone and dialed Hanna's number. After ringing ten times it went straight to voicemail. "Hey, it's me. Had a great time today, really. Anyways, I'm just calling to tell you that I might have to cancel on our Tuesday date. I got a call from Albaf…you know what that means. If you don't hear from me it's probably because I deployed. Still, I hope it's not that, look forward to seeing you again." I hung up and sighed.

"You already had plans for a second date? Right after you finished your first?"

"Listen Lys, just because no one asks you on a second date doesn't mean I can't do the same."

She scoffed and left. I felt a little bad about the comment, but it's her fault for snooping around my business. Mine, not hers. I shoved my phone in my pocket and hailed a cab to the hotel. I packed my meager belongings and signed out, thanking the man at the reception desk for the good service. I felt good about myself for complimenting him. From there I grabbed a ride to the airport and took the first shuttle to New Alexandria. The sun was only beginning to rise when I arrived.

This looks like it's gonna be a long day.

"Is he usually this late?"

"No, usually it's me who's late, ma'am."

"Don't get cheeky with me Castillo."

"Sorry ma'am, I didn't intend the comment to come across as cheeky."

Albaf took a deep breath and rubbed her temples. "He said he would be here five minutes ago."

"I'm sure he has a valid excuse."

Pavel chose that exact time to burst through the fancy mahogany double doors that made up the entrance to the room. He looked like he was out of breath and took a moment to take in some oxygen. As soon as he felt comfortable enough he stood up straight, saluted the two officers in the room and then remained at attention.

"At ease," Wilkins told him.

"Thank you, sir," he turned to Albaf. "Sorry ma'am, lots of inconveniences arose."

"Whatever," Albaf dismissed him. "Now, you all imagine why you're here. We have identified the cell responsible for the bombings of the Ushuaia factories on Mars."

That caught my attention.

"It was a small cell working in Sol. Intelligence confirms that they were part of the Freedom and Liberation Party."

Wilkins took it from there. "The cell was traced to a small building in Mare Erythraeum, Mars. A SWAT team surrounded the complex and breached in, but the cell was aware of the situation and launched an escape rocket."

"An escape rocket?" I asked, incredulous.

"Yes, homemade too. The blast killed all of the civilian police officers in the vicinity, allowing them to escape from the planet. Once they were in outer space they gunned away from Mars' gravity well and made a slipspace jump, no prowlers were in the vicinity and the rebels escaped. A month ago we got intelligence from one of our deep-cover operatives that the cell had been found out."

"Where?" Camilla asked.

"Fumirole," Commander Albaf replied.

"The cell has no idea that they're made. We can expect them to remain where they are for an indefinite amount of time."

"Fumirole is close," I thought out loud. "We can do this thing in less than two weeks."

"Why exactly we?" Robert asked. "Aren't there any Spec Ops teams in Fumirole?"

"Yes, but we can't trust local authorities on this. Fumirole is not exactly a hub for insurrectionist activity, but it is possible that the cell could be tipped and make a dash for it."

I nodded. "So, when do we ship out?"

"Immediately, the ONI prowler Four Over Five is already waiting for you. Lieutenant Wilkins will accompany you for the mission as your commanding officer."

"Does Brooks know about this?" I asked."

"Yes, he's not happy about it, but he knows."

"Very well then ma'am," Wilkins said. "I do believe that's all."

"Yes, correct. Have a good one."

"Thank you ma'am," Wilkins replied good-naturedly. He turned to face us. "Follow me."

We left the room in Wilkins' wake. The man had a very long stride and left Snark and Camilla struggling to keep up with the rest of us longer-legged humans. The ONI lieutenant led us through the base until we emerged into a wide open space, perhaps three hundred meters long on each side. Sitting right in the middle was a prowler, the submarines of space. At least these things didn't look like giant sex toys. That was a plus.

"Why are we leaving all of a sudden?" Lamberti complained.

"We can't risk someone being tipped off," Pavel explained. "We leave and come back in a couple of days, don't make such a fuss about it."

"It's all a little excessive, isn't it?" Cam suggested.

"I agree," Grigori said in a low voice. "Never did like ONI."

I scoffed. "Funny you should say that."

The man had the decency to look flustered and divert his glance.

"Reaper, this is Commander Schulz, captain of the ship."

"Pleasure to meet you," Schulz said without much humor. "Ever been on a prowler before?"

I shook my head.

"Anybody else?"

Everybody shook their heads.

He groaned. "Well, there are a few set of rules to follow that are different form a regular UNSC ship. For starters-"

"Commander," Wilkins interrupted. "I am sure that this can wait, none of these men have slept in the past few hours and I am sure that they are eager to get some rest before being put into cryo."

Lamberti nodded furiously but said nothing.

"Fine," Schulz sighed. "Wilkins can take you to your quarters."

"Lieutenant, what about our weapons?" I asked.

"It has been taken care of," he replied vaguely.

"How exactly?" Snark pressed.

"All your weapons were moved from the Inconvenience."

"Great," I said without much feeling.

Wilkins stopped. "Here, there are four rooms, two bunks each. Work it out yourselves."

"Cam gets her own room," I said as soon as Wilkins turned the corner. "Pair up."

Pavel and I walked inside the closest room. The room itself was more cramped than our quarters back on board the Inconvenience, but that was not surprising. There were two beds built into the wall and two closets side to side. A small bathroom with a toilet and a shower were also present for our use. The closets held each three pairs of cargo pants of different sizes. I couldn't help but notice that they were Navy issue. There were also three gray shirts hanging, different sizes all. My jeans were starting to get uncomfortable, but I still had my own duffel bag with civilian clothes inside. I rummaged through it and cursed inwardly when nothing inside was of military origin, only a spare pair of boots.

"ONI prowler, huh?" Pavel mused. "Could our life get any weirder?"

"Well, tentacles could burst from the walls and try to get inside your holes."

"I'm not from eastern Asia," he dismissed.

"That's stereotyping," I told him. "Careful about that."

"Whatever."

"To answer your question, no, I don't think that there are many ways to get any weirder. Spartans, innies, assassinations, executions, experimental tech ship dismissed as senseless...what more could we possibly get?"

"Zombies?" Pavel suggested.

"Yeah, the last thing we need is zombies."

"Why, we could use them on the Covenant, I bet the little grunts would panic at the sight of them."

"They would also work against us," I reminded him. "They're like animals."

"Maybe if we used them appropriately, we could turn the covvies into zombies, have them eat themselves, bomb the shit out of what's left of them."

"How would that work?"

"Well, we could identify the zombie pathogen and send it into Covenant space in a ship emitting loud pings, as soon as the covvies locate it and take in the ship we release the pathogen through a spray can or some shit, letting the first domino fall. It would work better if we sent a couple hundred probes, have them all release the virus at the same time."

"Or we could just leave infected individuals for brutes to find, nice zombified steak."

"Damn brutes," Pavel growled. "One thing is actually hating us and fighting against us, but why the hell do they have to eat us?"

"They're monkeys mixed with rhinos," I said. "Add the mentality of a wolf and you've got yourself a pretty nifty combination."

Pavel hummed before sitting on his bed. "I guess that the zombified steak would work better than the probes. Elites aren't that stupid."

"Plus," I added. "Brutes could infect elites like it was nobody's business, bite their faces and shit."

"I'd pay to see that."

"You have no idea."

There was a few moments of silence as we both undressed and switched into our Navy clothing. It felt kind of weird not being in my usual all-blacks, but it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. The gray shirt failed to identify me as a member of any branch, so I was cool with not being taken for a swabbie.

Pavel chuckled.

"What?"

"Nothing, funny thought."

"What?"

"Well," he started. "Maybe the zombies would get out of control and we would be forced to work with the Covenant to save our asses."

I stared at him. "Yeah, like that could ever happen."

"The zombies?"

"The working with the Covenant."

We looked at each other for a few seconds before we both started laughing uproariously. We laughed long and we laughed hard. It was about two minutes before either of us could calm down. It took a lot longer until the giggles completely subsided. I still laughed about the idea whenever I thought about it. So incredibly stupid.

"Hey Pavel," I said as soon as we were both calmed. "You never introduced me to baby Lavanya."

"Yeah," he apologized. "As soon as we're back I will, promise."

"Do I get to hold her."

"Only if you treat her with as much respect as you would your rifle."

"I'll treat her with as much respect as I use for my knife," I assured him. "Without the slashing and hacking around, of course."

"Ha-ha."

"No, I'm serious, I want to meet her." I suddenly made a face like I had just gotten the greatest idea ever. "Maybe I could catch Amber breastfeeding h-ow!" I rubbed the back of my head profusely while Pavel just chuckled to himself.

"She's my wife now, you've got to be more respectful, else I might try beating you up."

"You'd fail miserably."

"I'd still knock out a couple of your teeth."

"Two teeth against several broke bones?" I asked him. "Sounds like a bargain."

"Think they are recording us?" Pavel asked out of the blue.

"What?"

"I mean, do you think the room is bugged?"

I shrugged. "Dunno, it's not like we've revealed much about our lives other than our incredible capacity for creating stupid scenarios in our head. Oh, I know, talk about your sex life, that's bound to scare them off." This time I actually caught his hand and twisted his wrist when he tried to hit me.

"Lego, lego, lego!"

I let go of his hand as he requested and gave him a nasty kick in the ass. "Catch some sleep Pavs, we'll probably drop as soon as we're unfrozen, don't want to go to cryo while tired, do you?"

"Nah," he admitted. "I call top bunk."

"Suit yourself."

I was asleep in seconds.

Thanks to Sniper Fodder for proof-reading.

Well, all I can say is that I'm genuinely sorry for the quality of this chapter and the lack of quote. I tried to do a decent filler chapter but couldn't come up with anything that was actually good. At least Frank finally got himself a date, and with a pretty medic too, could it get any more cliche? And at least I had fun while writing the zombie discussion. Oh, the irony!

Stay strong.

-casquis