Please don't hate me for this ridiculous excuse of a drabble. I just... I don't know. Okay? XD

Summary: in which poor Fishlegs accidentally eavesdrops on a "conversation" that's not very healthy for his virgin ears…

Behind closed curtains

Fishlegs needed to go get his father's favourite sword sharpened. He knew Gobber was busy doing supplies inventory with the Chief for the day, but hoped at least Hiccup might be available – today was a no-fly day, what with the horrid chilly gales blowing mightily around Berk. Not even the dragons wanted to leave their masters' households.

So Fishlegs wrapped a warm thick scarf around his neck, trotted up the hill to the Chief's residence and knocked. Nobody replied, of course; neither of the Haddocks had a habit of being indoors if they could help it…

Which was absolutely mind-boggling as far as Fishlegs was concerned. In days like these he loved to just snuggle with Meatlug under a nice warm blanket and read a book or two or three.

Now to check the forge for any sign of the Chief's son.

As he approached the building, he could hear the voices coming from the back; one of them was definitely Hiccup's. Good. Fishlegs made his way into the smithy and was just about to pull Hiccup's workshop's curtain back… when he heard it.

Something – or rather, someone – thudded against the wall.

Fishlegs' hand suspended in mid-air, awaiting its brain's command. Maybe that sound had just been outside.

Another thud. A groan. Nope, that was inside. Behind the curtain.

The voices floated from that unseen space and Fishlegs dropped his hand, leaning in a little closer. He wasn't eavesdropping, just... Trying to make sure he wouldn't be interrupting something. Fishlegs didn't want to be rude, after all.

"Ow! Hiccup, be careful." Someone hissed. Not just someone; that was Astrid's voice, no doubt there. There was some rustling of fabric on a hard surface - wood or metal.

What were they doing…?

"I'm trying, I'm trying." Hiccup said, his voice strained, "But we're not angled right."

"Maybe I should just climb off for now," Astrid suggested, "Give you a better view."

Now Fishlegs was confused. Better view of what?

"No no, don't climb off." Hiccup pleaded, "At least not yet. Just give me a little longer, will you?"

"Okay… But I'm not very comfortable like this, you know?" Astrid said. Hiccup apologized. More rustling followed, a few more groans and even a couple of gasps. Fishlegs inched even closer to the drapes, trying to comprehend what could possibly be making all those different sounds.

Fabric… clothes? The clattering and the tinkering, maybe… was Astrid wearing her studded skirt today? Or maybe she wasn't wearing it anymore. Oh.

"Ahh," Astrid hummed, "that's a nice touch. Try it again."

"Okay…" Hiccup said tentatively. There was an inaudible whisper, followed by a small twang – and whatever it was that Hiccup did, it immediately made Astrid giggle.

Astrid. Giggling.

By this point Fishlegs was completely red all over his face, but he was in a sort of trance; he tried telling his legs to move out of the way, but they didn't budge. And they're on his name! The nerve of them.

"Okay, now I'll try," Astrid's voice rattled with curiosity and amusement, while Fishlegs' brain rattled with some very, very indiscrete thoughts.

"Okay. You press it like this…" Hiccup said, and there was some more rustling and shifting about behind that curtain. Astrid giggled again.

Fishlegs made a mental note to ask Hiccup exactly what the heck he was doing to the girl. Not that Fishlegs was planning on putting that knowledge to the test anytime soon. It was just for… academic purposes. Yes. He merely had a theoretical interest in in. Plain bookish inquisitiveness.

Of course.

"Hiccup…" Astrid started again after a little while, "I really want to stretch my legs."

"Okay, just hold on a little longer."

"Easy for you to say. I'm not in the most comfortable of positions, you know… This place is so cramped."

Sweet Frigga on a pedestal, positions? Poor Fishlegs' mind had gone rampant by now, and the images he conjured up were those of a very acrobatic nature; limited, of course, as was his knowledge of... whatever it was thet Astrid and Hiccup were doing back there. There was some more shuffling and ruffling; then some tinkering and gasping. What the Hel.

"Sorry! But this is what works better for me."

Well. Fishlegs never really thought of Hiccup as a greedy person. Guess he was wrong.

"Besides," Hiccup started again, his voice now a little tense, "this in the only place nobody will bother us. People almost never come back here."

"I know, but still…"

"Okay, almost done here. Just hold still… Yeah, okay. Now just sit back like that," Hiccup instructed, "and… how does that feel?"

Fishlegs couldn't really tell WHAT those noises were, but it sounded like Astrid was… jumping? Shaking? He had no idea, but it sounded crazy!

"Feels fine. It fits alright! That's actually a lot more comfortable," Astrid replied happily. There was some more shaking, then feet stomping on the ground, and Astrid whimpered – Fishlegs felt a little frazzled despite himself.

"Great! Well then, we're all done for today." Hiccup let out a long, long sigh and there was another thump and a thud, a swish and then a clatter.

What in Odin's blind eye were they doing?

"Sorry if it took too long Astrid, it's just I'd never tried that before."

Tried what before?

"Ah, that's okay. I'm glad you called me over for it, anyway."

Called her over FOR WHAT?

"Well, doing this by myself just really isn't the same thing… Thanks."

Doing WHAT BY HIMSELF?

"Sure! Technically you're doing me a favour, so you can borrow me anytime you want."

Fishlegs heard them kiss – there was some mild slushing followed by a loud smack – and then Hiccup chuckled. "Anytime…?"

"Anytime," Astrid replied, nearly a whisper – but by now Fishlegs was so close to the curtain he could hear a fly land on a needle.

By Thor, were they going to go at it again? Maybe if Fishlegs pulled the drapes juuuust a little bit to the side, he'd be able to –

The curtain swung open suddenly and Astrid nearly collided into the statuesque Fishlegs – who went from bright pink to pale white and then back to pink again like a flashing Snoggletog light, stumbling backwards like he'd been poked by a hot metal rod.

Astrid looked taken aback and seemed to eye Fishlegs with unmasked suspicion; Hiccup just looked nervous. He shuffled about and stepped outside of his workshop, pulling the curtain close behind him. The couple's clothes seemed dishevelled, their cheeks a little more colourful than usual, strands of hair sticking in all the wrong directions.

"Hey there, Fishlegs! What brings you over to my neck of the woods?"

Fishlegs didn't know anymore. He didn't even know whether he was more scared or more embarrassed by the whole episode.

He stammered and stuttered and tripped on his own tongue and made a perfectly nonsensical excuse for himself, then rotated on the spot and scampered off the opposite direction.

The couple stared blankly at the wobbly Fishlegs as he scurried back to his house.

"… What did he mean, he left his socks on the stove?" Hiccup inquired. His girlfriend merely shrugged and shook her head, just about as flabbergasted as he was. Fishlegs did have his odd moments every now and then, so this little episode didn't really surprise Astrid. She then noticed something lying on the ground.

"Look, isn't that his dad's sword?" Astrid asked, walking over to the forgotten weapon and picking it up. "It looks blunt. He probably brought it over so you could sharpen it," she concluded after examining it.

"Strange. Wonder what got into him," Hiccup said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "You think he saw anything?"

"Hard to tell, but I think not."

Hiccup sighed with relief and grabbed Astrid by the waist, careful not to touch the spikes on her skirt. He kissed her gently on her left cheek and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Good. I want your new saddle to be a surprise for everyone else. It's gonna be so cool!"

END

Pfff so shoot me if I find the idea of a Peeping Tom Fishlegs amusing. :p (also the over reactive mind of someone who doesn't really know what sex/making out sounds like)

All that noise to make a saddle, huh? It's just that Astrid's new saddle design looks great… What if Hiccup offered to make her the new saddle, and asked her to "model" for him so he could make it as comfortable as possible? IDEK. I also don't know HOW that idea eventually mutated into what you've just read but it did, okay? Sorry. XD

So the next drabble I want to update is both NSFW-ish and totally goofy, and I'm not sure if that's the greatest combo ever but it just seems to RIGHT in my mind... xD

I'd like to thank you peeps for the reviews, the faves and the follows. Means a lot to me, really. Even the people who've never said anything, thanks. :D but don't be shy, you hear? TALK TO MEEEEEEE. I'm talkative. :3