Author's note: So I'd first like to say that there was a bit of confusion with the last chapter and I hope from here on out it can be made a lot clearer. Please, if something is really off and you think it needs to be addressed, come to me on Tumblr (booksrockmyface) and we can discuss how would be the best way to fix it. This is a very heavy piece and I never want to intentionally harm anyone's sensibilities.
That said, I do take responsibility for my intentions not shining through in my work. I apologize. All comments and concerns are welcome, but let's all try to be civil.
Many thanks to my beta LavenderVanilla for pushing me with all this and for helping me smooth out the edges of an already rough story.
And thank you all for continuing to read. I can't promise rainbows and kittens in the end, but I do promise closure and maybe contentment.
Happy reading.
Chapter Ten
Finnick shivered and pulled the other body in the bed closer. He barely registered that it was Katniss until she moved away mumbling.
He moved close again and pressed his face into her hair. "It's cold."
"Stir the fire." She pushed him away.
Muttering a string of curses under his breath, Finnick made his way across the small apartment and put more wood in the fire, blowing until the embers ignited the new wood. He warmed his hands from the heat a moment and then returned to the bed until the small space heated up.
"I'm sorry." Katniss said softly. She reached out and slipped her hand into his. "I was dreaming about Peeta."
"And I ruined it." He traced circles on the back of her hand. A smile crossed his lips when she didn't pull away. "Tell me about your dream." He rolled to his side, still keeping several inches between their bodies, their hands rested on the pillow between them as they both shifted.
She shook her head. "I have to have some secrets."
"Well, in that case." He closed his eyes and sighed, "Sunday."
"Yes." She said softly.
He opened one eye and looked at her. "Going hunting?"
"No." She sat up and leaned against the wall. "Madge asked Gale to stay home in case the baby came."
He rubbed his thumb back and forth over her hand. "And Prim will probably fetch you?"
Katniss nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest, leaving her hand in his, but wrapping the other arm around her legs. The dream of Peeta had stayed with her, unlike so many she'd forgotten over the many long month since she'd seen him last. In her dream, they were in the meadow. Peeta was drawing her and two children played around them. She could feel herself smiling. She hadn't smiled since Peeta was taken away from her.
She asked softly, "Do you... Do you ever think what it will be like when you're with Annie again?"
Finnick nodded. "I think about it a lot. I think about what you and I did. And I wonder if they have. And if it changes anything. You and I have moved on. That's not our marriage. But Annie loves with everything she has. And when she and I made love the first time…" He sat up beside Katniss. "It comes easily to me. It always did."
"And I know why. You don't have to say it again." She squeezed his hand. "So you think there's no point in looking for them?"
"I think we have to realize that we may get to them and not like what we find." He rested his hand against her cheek a moment and then rolled out of bed. "I'll make breakfast."
She held on. "Don't leave yet."
"Katniss…"
"Just stay here one more minute." She tugged. "You know how hard this is for me, Finnick."
He nodded and sat back down. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he pulled her close and they sat in silence. There was a soft murmur of voices outside the door as the tenants lined up to wait for the washroom and ready themselves for church. But Finnick and Katniss stayed in their bed. He squeezed her shoulders.
"Can I get up yet?" He finally asked.
She laughed and moved away. "As long as you're the one making breakfast."
He laughed. "Yes, dear." He got out of bed and stretched. "Your biscuits are better than mine, though." He picked up his trousers from over the bar in the corner and pulled them on.
Katniss quickly gathered her things. "Yours are getting so much better. And I hear Delly going back to her room, so I don't have to listen to her babble." She hurried out the door before Finnick could stop her.
He shook his head and finished dressing. Breakfast was usually an easy affair, despite the biscuits. Finnick always ended up with flour everywhere. He was sure Peeta would do a much better job, but at least they were edible.
Katniss stepped into the apartment, looking refreshed. She smiled and stepped back through their bedroom area. "I'll clean up your mess." She said.
He laughed. "Thanks." He brushed some of the flour off his shirt. "I'll just head to the washroom while these finish up." He stuck the pan in the oven.
"It even got in your hair." She pointed out as she walked through the curtain. "How does that happen?"
He laughed and tried to brush it out. "I have no idea. I'm no baker."
"I know. Sit." She pointed to a chair. "I'll get it all out before you get flour all over the washroom."
He sat and Katniss grabbed the side of his head, roughly brushing her fingers through his hair and ruffling it. "Annie used to brush her fingers through my hair gently to get me aroused." He said with a teasing grin.
"I don't need you aroused, I need you not to anger the other tenants by leaving flour in the hall and washroom." She helped him to his feet. "Better hurry. Cinna hasn't made it and you know that he takes forever."
Finnick made a face as he turned. "I'll be back and help you clean up."
After gathering his things, Finnick made his way to the door. He opened it to find Prim with her hand raised to knock. "Oh." She blushed. "Hi, Finnick."
"Hey there, Prim." He stepped aside and waved her in.
"Katniss, Mama sent me to get you. Madge is delivering." She blushed deeper as she looked between Katniss and Finnick.
"Run and tell Mama I'm right behind you." Katniss said as she pulled her bag out from under the cabinet.
Prim hurried back out the door and Katniss started to follow. "Make yourself breakfast and then maybe go spend the day with my daddy? Gale will probably be there, too."
Finnick nodded. "I'll see you soon."
She paused a moment, so he took advantage and kissed her cheek.
"Very soon." She hurried out the door, grabbing up her coat as she passed through.
Katniss had been helping her mother in her midwife care since she was Prim's age. Her mother didn't quite trust her to work on her own yet unless there was more than one birth happening at the same time. Prim was able to join more often as she got older. She also had an affinity for medicine and a kind manner that Katniss sometimes lacked.
Iris leaned down to examine Madge when Haymitch Abernathy started shouting for her.
"Prim, see what he wants." Iris said. She looked up at the woman on the bed. "We are very close to bringing your baby into this world, Madge."
Madge nodded with gritted teeth. "Good."
Katniss dabbed at her forehead.
Prim stuck her head back in the door. "Mama, it's Mrs. Abernathy. Her baby is half born."
"Oh, dear lord. Of course that woman would have no sense to get me in time." Iris gathered her things. "Katniss, Prim, you stay here and deliver this one."
"But, Mama, I've never done it without you in the room." Katniss protested softly, running after her.
Iris grabbed Katniss by the shoulders. "You know what you're doing, my sweet girl." She kissed Katniss's forehead and hurried out the door.
Katniss sat on the stool her mother had just vacated. "Just brace yourself, Madge. Prim and I will handle this." She rolled up her sleeves just as Madge let out a bloodcurdling scream.
The new Hawthorne baby came quickly with a loud wail to announce her presence. Katniss laughed. "She gets that from the Hawthorne side, I'm sure." She cleaned up the baby and laid her across Madge's chest. "But thank God she looks like you."
Madge chuckled. "Thank you." She looked on her baby with wonder. "She has Gale's chin."
Katniss leaned over her. "She does." She told Prim to finish with Madge and asked, "Do you want me to get Gale now or wait another minute?"
"Get him, please?" Madge asked without looking up.
Katniss nodded. "Prim, do you have this?"
"Stitching almost done." Prim said. "I'm best at this part."
"Good." Katniss smiled and walked out to fetch Gale. She found him pacing in front of the Everdeen house. Finnick sat on the steps of Katniss's childhood home telling Gale that everything was all right.
"Katniss knows what she's doing." Finnick was saying as she walked up. "This isn't the first baby she's brought into this world."
"But it is Madge's." Gale said. He stopped when he saw Katniss.
She smiled. "I couldn't even tell."
Gale met her in just a few long steps. "Is Madge okay?"
"Both your girls are fine." Katniss said with a grin.
"Both girls? I have a daughter?" He turned to Finnick as he unfolded himself from the steps. "Finnick, I have a daughter." He hugged Katniss tightly and ran to his house, calling for his wife.
Finnick wrapped his arm around Katniss's waist and she leaned against him. "You look exhausted." He commented.
She laughed. "It was quick, but I'm always so tense. So much could happen. And Mama wasn't there this time.
"Effie Abernathy's baby? I passed them tearing down the road on my way here."
She nodded. "Haymitch came urgently. Said their baby was already half here."
He chuckled and gave her a little squeeze. "Ready to head home?"
"I need to get my bag and make sure Madge is still okay. And see my daddy." She turned. "Thank you. You could have stayed home."
He shrugged. "And miss seeing Gale get completely frazzled?"
She laughed. "I've seen it a time or two. It is pretty funny." She stepped away. "Want to come see her? I'm sure Gale will happily show her off."
Finnick smiled. "I like babies."
She nodded and led him toward the house. She tapped on the bedroom door that was partially open.
"Come in." Madge called softly.
Katniss looked over her shoulder at Finnick before pushing the door open and stepping inside. She started to gather her things. "You still feeling all right, Madge?" She asked as she leaned over her friend.
Madge nodded. "Fine." She glanced toward Finnick and then Prim.
Katniss smiled. "It's all normal. But if it gets to be too much, you send for my mother, she can come faster." She leaned down and whispered, "Let your body heal before engaging in anything else." She gave her friends each a significant look. "Let me give the baby one more examination." She held out her arms to Gale and placed the baby on the end of the bed to give her a thorough examination. She smiled as she looked the baby over.
"You just want an excuse to hold her." Prim teased.
"Only partially." Katniss said with a grin as she picked the baby up once more.
"Do you have a name yet?" Finnick asked as he looked over Katniss's shoulder.
Madge and Gale exchanged a look before Madge said, "We were thinking Katniss. If you don't mind. You've been pretty important for all of us."
Katniss could feel her face heating up. She smoothed a finger down the baby's cheek. "That's a big name for someone so small." She held the baby close. "I don't mind in the slightest." A smile crossed her lips, the first true smile in a long time.
"We'll probably call her Katy." Gale said. "To keep down confusion."
Katniss passed her new namesake back to Gale. "I'm honored. Thank you." She kissed the baby's forehead. "I'll come by tomorrow to check on you both. Just rest, Madge."
Madge nodded. "I'll do my best."
"But remember, send Gale for Mama at any time if you something feels wrong."
Finnick clapped Gale on the shoulder. "Congratulations. You have a beautiful baby." He walked out ahead of Katniss.
With one more kiss to all three Hawthorne cheeks, Katniss picked up her bag and followed.
Iris, with her own bag hanging limply in her hand, slowly made her way toward the house. She waved her hand at them and picked up her pace.
Iris said, "That woman is even more of a nightmare giving birth." She walked into her house and didn't wait for the others to follow.
Katniss and Finnick exchanged an amused look and stepped in after her.
Caleb and Prim set out cups of tea and sandwiches Caleb had thrown together. He often did when his wife was bringing a baby into the world. Finnick piled a few sugar cubes beside his cup and popped one in his mouth.
"Why do you do that?" Katniss asked, making a disgusted face.
Finnick chuckled and offered her one. "Because they taste good."
"In tea." She plucked one off his plate and dropped it in her cup. "Gale and Madge are now the parents of a baby girl they have named Katniss." She announced to the room before she took a small bite of her sandwich.
"Oh, how kind of them." Caleb said.
Katniss nodded. "They said they're calling the baby Katy to keep from confusion."
Caleb patted his older daughter on the back. "Congratulations."
Iris added. "And the Abernathys welcomed a boy. Effie insists he will be named Jasper. Haymitch grumbled that he hadn't agreed to it."
Finnick laughed. "The baby will be named Jasper. I haven't known Haymitch long, but I do know he usually does whatever Effie wants."
Caleb gave a hearty laugh. "You have a keen eye, Finnick."
They all ate quietly for a few minutes. Katniss was hungrier than normal from missing breakfast and ate more than even Finnick, who could pack away quite a bit of food.
Prim asked suddenly, "Katniss, are you going to have a baby?"
The other three adults scrambled to come up with an excuse, but Katniss finally put her hands up to stop the chatter. "Prim, I am not having a baby any time soon." Everyone relaxed, but Katniss caught sight of Finnick watching her from the corner of his eye. She finished her tea and stood. "We should get back home, Finnick."
Her husband stood and they said their goodbyes. He helped Katniss into her coat and then picked up her bag by the front door. She gave him a grateful smile. Slipping her hand into his, she leaned on him as they made their way to their apartment building on the very edge of the Seam. It had been a very long day.
It was a quiet journey. Katniss looked toward Finnick and found him looking at her.
"What?" She asked.
"Nothing." He said as he pulled his hand out of hers and pushed open the front door to their building. He stood aside at the stairs and let her take them first.
She stepped into the apartment before Finnick and dropped into one of the chairs. She shed her coat before leaning over to remove her shoes. "Is it really only three in the afternoon?" She asked, spotting the small clock they had put up on a shelf over the counter.
He shrugged out of his own coat as he nodded. Dropping down beside her, he said, "You had a rough morning. I can only imagine…" He started taking off his boots. "About what Prim asked. If you want to have a baby, we can."
"And then how would we get out of here?" She placed her shoes beside the door, hung up her coat, and turned. "You don't want a baby with me anyway."
He shrugged. "It wouldn't be the first time." His face fell, immediately regretting those words.
"Finnick?" She kneeled down in front of him. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing." He stood and placed his boots beside hers. "You look like you could use a nap."
"Do you have children, Finnick?" Katniss asked gently, standing to face him. "You can talk to me, Finnick. You can always talk to me."
Finnick shrugged. "I might have children. I don't know. That was part of it sometimes. I never found out if it worked or not."
"Did Annie know?" She asked.
He nodded and headed toward the window. "Annie knows everything about me and loves me anyway. Because she loves easily." He leaned his arm against the frame. "She even loved her boozy asshole father."
"And what does that make you think? That she loves Peeta?"
"Maybe." He sighed. "I've been thinking about it since we talked this morning. If it was worth it to go. Or if we should stay and try to make our marriage work."
"Of course it's worth it, Finnick. It's worth it to know. And she may love him, but you're the one she loves most. You have to be." She rested her hand on the small of his back. "Just like I love Peeta most."
Finnick turned slowly and smoothed his hand over Katniss's hair. "You say the word and I'll go with you. Whenever you want."
"It could be dangerous." She pointed out.
"It could be." He said. "But being here could be too. And them there."
"And if we find what you're worried about?" She asked softly, wrapping her other arm around him.
He returned her embrace. "Then we'll go somewhere else. Because I love you, Katniss. You matter to me and I want us both happy in the end. If we can't be that with them, we'll be happy together without them."
"It's not just about being happy, Finnick—"
"I know." He pulled her close. "It's a lot of things. And I want all them for you. And I'll move the world for you to have it."
"And for Annie?" She asked, her face pressed into his shoulder.
"Definitely for Annie. If she likes the life she has with Peeta, I'm not going to take it away from her. She had a rough childhood. No mama. Barely any daddy. She needs better. Peeta can give her that, I know. And I'm not sure I can." He kissed the top of Katniss's head. "You really should lie down."
"All right." She stepped away. "Because you insist." She curled up on top of the blanket and closed her eyes, thinking about all she and Finnick had just said.
Did Peeta love Annie? Did he love her more than Katniss? Was it worth it to make such a long, dangerous journey when they could be met with their lovers loving each other?
She sat up and called softly, "Finnick?"
He poked his head through the curtain. "Yes?"
She looked at him a moment and then shook her head and turned away. "Never mind."
He slipped into the bed beside her. "I'm here."
Katniss rolled over and pressed her eyes into his chest. "But I don't want you."
Finnick sighed and smoothed his hands over her hair and down her back. "I know you don't. But I'm still here."
She felt the tears come and she sobbed into his chest as he held her close.
"Sometimes Annie would make lists." He said softly after a while. "I make lists, too."
"Lists?" Katniss sat up, wiping her eyes with her fingers.
Finnick nodded and dug out his handkerchief, handing it over. "If she felt one of her episodes coming. One of the things she would do when it got tough was make a list of all the things that were true in her life. It didn't always work for her, but most of the time it did."
"Does it work for you?"
"Yes."
She wiped her eyes. "What sort of things do you list?"
"My name. My home. My family. What I ate for breakfast that morning."
Katniss nodded. She took a breath and said, "My name is Katniss Everdeen." She shook her head. "My name is Katniss Odair."
Finnick grabbed her hand. "Your name is Katniss Everdeen."
She wrapped him in a grateful hug. "My name is Katniss Everdeen. My home is District Twelve. My sister is Prim. My parents are Caleb and Iris. My best friend is Gale Hawthorne." She looked up. "I'm married to Finnick Odair. He is my friend, too."
He smiled and kissed her forehead. "Yes."
She pressed her eyes into his shoulder again. She said the list again in her head, Finnick's arms held her tightly. She added Peeta's name to the list after the third time and felt an ache in her stomach that she'd missed him for so long.
In a quick movement, she got out of the bed and hurried to the other end of the room. She grabbed her shoes and dashed out the door. "I'll be back before dark."
She made her way to the meadow, pausing only to put on her shoes once she was far enough away from her home. She was in pain from momentarily forgetting Peeta. Would this be her life if she didn't make it out?
She dropped down in the brown grass. It was cold and she hadn't bothered to grab her coat. She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered, not sure it would matter if she froze to death.
The darkness came and she stayed put. She had promised to be home before dark, but it crept up so fast in winter. And she didn't want to be in that apartment with Finnick. They were friends and he cared for her, but he wasn't Peeta. She needed Peeta.
She stood and started to make her way out slowly, stumbling over rocks she usually stepped over so easily. She saw a pair of forms walking her way. They sped up when they saw her and a pair of familiar arms wrapped around her.
"Daddy." She sighed.
"You're frozen." He lifted her up into his arms. "Lead the way, Finnick."
"Daddy, I need you to fix it." She said softly, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I need to get to Peeta."
"I'll do what I can, Katniss." Caleb promised.
Katniss closed her eyes and let the comfort of her father's arms rock her to sleep. Sleep would be nice. For a very long time.