Author's note: Thank you all so much for making it this far. I'm going to need you all to trust me through the rest of this. A lot is about to go down, especially in this chapter. Forewarning, I know a few of you may already have started to think about the events that you will read here. I gave a hint on my Tumblr (booksrockmyface), but I'll give it here again, so you can be even more prepared.
Katniss is a midwife. Peeta and Annie have slept together. Put those two together and think about it.
I welcome all comments on these events, but I would very much appreciate you do so civilly (especially with each other).
I'm going to publish a new chapter of Cheese Buns and Bad Puns very soon after this, which is much lighter, so I suggest going there as soon as you're done here or look into my newest one shots I posted called Announcement and Long As I Got You (if you haven't already) to cleanse yourself of all the heaviness in this chapter.
Many thanks to my beta LavenderVanilla who helped me get through this one. You, my friend, are a blessing to this story and I wouldn't have made it this far without you! (Guys, you need to go read her stuff! It's great!)
Happy reading. Mostly...
Trigger warning for very brief talk of abortion and suicide.
Chapter Eleven
For the next several weeks, Annie retreated into herself and only left her room when Peeta begged her to eat a meal. But he wasn't much better. He put on a smile while selling breads and cookies, but as soon as he was back at home with Annie, his mind was filled with all sorts of conflicting thoughts.
He wanted to hold Annie and kiss her and let her know it would all be all right. But at the same time, he knew if they went in that direction again that he would never forgive himself. How would he ever explain it to Katniss anyway? And if he ever saw her again, did he owe her an explanation after so long apart?
Annie was back to crying in the middle of the night. He heard her try to muffle it, but the walls were so thin and her sobs so loud despite her efforts. It broke his heart every time and he knew there was nothing he could do that wouldn't harm both of them.
Mags said to just give Annie time, but that was all Peeta was doing. Annie wouldn't even look at him when they were in the same room together. She no longer came to the bakery stand. She barely existed anymore and he could feel himself starting to lose hope again.
He knew she didn't want him around, so he left earlier every day and stayed late getting the new bakery cleaned up and in working order. It was well after dark every night when he made it home and threw together a meal she wouldn't eat.
One night, he awoke to the sound of Annie coughing in her room. It was a sick, wet sound. And then he heard her feet running outside, the door banging open and then slamming back into the frame. Peeta quickly followed, pausing to light a lamp. He found her hunched among some bushes several feet from the house.
"Annie?" He asked softly. There hadn't been much conversation other than him begging her to eat and her softly complying. He wasn't sure she'd say anything to him at all, though he prayed she'd let him back in.
She turned slowly, wiping the back of her hand across her mouth. Tears streamed down her face, fear written in her features. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she finally said, "I don't feel well." She turned and retching some more.
Peeta placed a hand on her back as he sat the lamp off to the side and pulled Annie's hair away from her face.
She eventually sat back, wrapping her arms around herself. "Peeta, I'm scared." She said softly.
"Of what?" He asked, slipping his arm around her shoulders.
She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Everything." She cried into his shoulder.
All Peeta could do was hold her and rub her back. There was nothing else he could think to say because he felt the same way. He was sure every move they made was watched. Could someone be watching them even now?
He looked around them, cradling Annie closer to his chest as he surveyed the area. Katniss once told him what to do if a predator was closing in.
"You have to remain as still as possible." Katniss told him. "As soon as you start to run is when they attack."
"But if I'm still, it will get me anyway, won't it?" Peeta asked.
"Maybe. But less likely. Move slowly, make yourself small. And they may see something else more tasty-looking."
He grinned and placed his hand on the side of her cheek. "How unfortunate that no one is tastier than you."
"Are you saying I deserve to be eaten?" Katniss grinned.
"Well, maybe not by an animal." Peeta smirked. "Unless you want me to be an animal."
They fell into a heap on the ground, giggling as they kissed and groped.
Annie shuddered against Peeta's chest, bringing him out of the memory. He helped her up, his arm still holding her close as she clung to him. Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she'd stopped sobbing for the moment. He helped her inside on her unsteady feet. Several times she stumbled and he caught her.
"I have you." He assured her, though he wasn't really sure he did.
When he paused outside her door, she tightened her grip on him. "No, I can't sleep alone tonight." She begged.
He opened his mouth to tell her all the reasons that was a bad idea, but she gave him a pleading look.
"I just need to sleep, Peeta. I can't sleep alone." Her voice was so small. "Don't make me be alone."
Damn you, Johanna, for turning Annie back into this mess.
He nodded and led her into his room. He sat the lamp on the table and pulled the blanket aside, helped her sit, and then pulled the blanket up to her shoulders as she curled on her side. He kissed her temple and immediately regretted it.
Peeta reached to turn off the lamp, but Annie grabbed his hand. "Please don't. There are so many faces in the dark."
He gently laid a hand on her cheek and wiped a thumb across the moisture under her eye. "I'm here, Annie." He said softly before walking around to the other side of the bed and slipping in behind her.
She pulled his arms tightly around her as she broke into heavy sobs again. She eventually grew quiet and it took several moments before Peeta realized that she was asleep. She had worn herself out with her grief. Her breathing was still shallow, but her body relaxed slightly. He continued to hold her and willed her to get a full night of sleep. He wasn't sure he could handle any more crying and still hold himself together.
Annie was restless throughout the night. Every time Peeta finally started to drift off, she moved and woke him up again. She pressed her eyes into his neck after a while and clung to him. Her face was still wet, or was wet with new tears he wasn't sure. She slept with shuddering breaths, keeping Peeta awake for good.
He stared out the open window past her head. Which way was Twelve? Was that the way? He wasn't the one who was good with those things, that was Katniss. She would know. Was she looking toward Four? Did she care anymore? Should he?
The lamp burned out and Peeta finally gave up on sleep. He slipped out from under Annie, trying hard not to wake her after such a fitful night, and made his way to the kitchen. He stoked the fire and got to work on the dough. It was calming, but it was also exhausting. Very little sleep meant that he'd have to lay on the charm even thicker to keep anyone from seeing how much his eyes drooped. Maybe if he made less than normal he would sell out quicker and get to come home early.
"Peeta?" Annie's voice in the doorway made him jump.
He let out a long breath and shook his head. "Go back to bed, Annie."
"Where I've been for the better part of two months?" She sounded hopeless as she moved to the stove and started making breakfast.
"There's no shame in it, Annie." He said softly, putting the large ball of dough to the side and starting on the next recipe.
She said nothing as she mixed eggs together in a bowl while the pan heated.
Peeta watched her back as she worked, his hands deep in a new pile of dough, this with slightly different ingredients.
Annie said softly, "I've been unwell for a while, I was just able to keep it from you better."
He paused and looked up, his chest hurt again. It always seemed to hurt when she talked like that. "How unwell?" Was the ocean calling again? What would he do if she gave in? He'd be stuck with no one and nothing but the bakery.
She turned and examined him with her wide, curious, sad eyes. She turned away once more and pulled the pan off the stove, making them both a plate. "Just a little off. Vomiting like last night."
He pulled his hands out of the mixture and stepped across the room, resting a hand between her shoulder blades. He pressed his hand against her forehead. "No fever."
"I don't feel feverish." She assured him. "And I don't feel like there's anything wrong, I just feel sick. And tired. But I think it's just all the worry and the fear and the…" she rested her hands on his chest, "all the confusion. Because I just want to go to bed with you. And I want to be happy with you and forget everything. But we can't because that would be so wrong. Finnick and Katniss are together. But are they safe? Do they feel for each other the way we feel for each other? Or do they hate each other?"
Peeta placed his hand on Annie's cheek. "Do you want to try to run? Find them?"
She shook her head. "It won't be safe. For so many reasons." She stepped out of his grasp and set their plates on the table. "You should eat."
He took his seat and watched her as he ate slowly. "You only have him to lose."
She looked up sluggishly. "What?"
"If we go." He put his fork down and leaned forward, clasping his hands together. "Johanna said it would be dangerous because it could mean death, but we're not living. Not really. I already lost my family and Katniss being here. And all you really have left to lose is Finnick. So do you want to risk it?"
"I don't know." She swallowed and looked down at her plate. "I'm not strong, Peeta. I never have been. Finnick was my strength. And you…" She stood and put her plate forcefully in the sink. "You can't keep worrying about me. If you want to go, you go. I wouldn't make it. You and I both know that." She walked out of the house.
He ran after her and grabbed her arm. "I'm begging you, Annie, please don't leave me until we figure this out. I can't be here without you and I don't want to leave if you're not coming with me."
"Peeta, I don't even know what I want anymore." She was dejected. "Nothing feels right." She gently removed her arm from his grasp. "Just give me a few minutes to think." She walked away, pausing a moment to look over her shoulder. "I'll be in the cave. Please come get me before you go into town if I'm not back."
He heaved a sigh and nodded. He watched her walk away before he slowly made his way back into the house and finished the baking. As he gathered the first batch of bread, Annie stepped back into the house. She stopped Peeta in his work and pulled him in for a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Be safe." She whispered.
"You too." He whispered back.
Annie's mornings were so routine that she was able to do all the baking Peeta left behind without much thinking. After so many days ignoring the world for her own grief, it was like there was new life ahead of her.
"New life." She said softly, voicing her thought. Another idea played on the edges of her realization. It was filled with worry. What was it? Could she live with it? She rubbed her temple as she reached into the edge of her mind to grasp it, but a knock on the door allowed it to flitter away.
Johanna let herself in and laid out a handful of coins as she started looking through the wares on the table.
"We should be in the new bakery next month." Annie said. "At least, I think that's what Peeta said."
Johanna nodded. "What I hear. I also hear you've been a little out of it." She grinned. "I've missed our banter."
"I haven't." Annie said as she pulled some rolls out of the oven. "You ruined my life, Jo. I was happy. I was certain that I'd never see Finnick again. And I had all these hopes that he was as happy as I was. And that he was free. And I imagined him living life the way he always did with a joke and a smile and not worrying about all the bad things." She crossed her arms and leaned back against the counter. "He always says I worried enough for both of us."
"I know that he and Katniss are okay. I've asked for more detail, but that's all I have right now." Johanna rested her hand on Annie's arm. "He works in the coal mines. She helps her mother's apothecary business. She's also a midwife. She helps people."
"Midwife?" Annie finally took hold of that thought from a few minutes before and covered her mouth. "Johanna?"
"What?" Johanna saw the look of fear on Annie's face and grasped her arms. "What is it?"
"I think I need one of those." Annie could feel the darkness coming back and she worked even harder to push it away. "Jo, I think I…" Her hand drifted to her stomach and tears came to her eyes.
Johanna looked from Annie's face to where her hand rested and back again. The realization hit her just a few moments later and she pulled Annie into her arms as her emotions spiraled out of control. After a while Annie pulled back and reached for a handkerchief in her pocket.
"Could you keep an eye on this while I visit Mags?" Annie asked as she dabbed at her eyes.
"Do you think she'll tell you something you don't already know?" Johanna asked gently.
Annie shrugged. "I need Mags." She hurried into the front room and retrieved her shawl before she stuck her head back into the kitchen. "Peeta will expect those rolls at the stand in an hour. Please keep an eye on them. And don't say anything yet." She ran out, making her way to the older woman's house in record time.
Mags was on her knees in her garden pulling up the last of her summer garden and putting in her winter crops. She glanced up at Annie's approach, took one look at her face, and pulled her into a tight hug.
When they finally pulled away, Mags picked up her basket of vegetables and led Annie inside. "Would you like something to eat?" She took a seat at the worn kitchen table.
"Depends on what you have to offer." Annie sat down opposite Mags. "Not a lot has agreed with me lately."
The old woman looked her over and asked gently, "So you been sick?"
Annie nodded.
Mags gave her a knowing look. "Hurting all over? In your back?"
Annie swallowed. "Yes."
"Skipped your monthlies?" Mags started to sort out her crops. "A little more tired than usual?"
Annie helped with the sorting, the old woman's words bouncing around in her mind. "I've been sort of…lost…lately. It's why I haven't been around."
Mags gave her a sympathetic look and nodded. "You know what I'm going to say, don't you?"
"Do you think I'm carrying a baby, Mags?" Annie asked softly.
"I'm certain you are." Mags said with a sly grin. "But I'm even more certain you already knew that."
Annie nodded, feeling her face contorting in her grief. "What do I do, Mags? I don't want this."
Mags patted Annie's knee. "If you don't want to go through with it, then I know a thing or two."
Annie pressed her face into her handkerchief. "I don't want to end it, Mags. I never could. I just didn't ever want…" A sob escaped her and then another until she leaned over with keening sobs. "How do I tell Peeta? How do I live with this?" She dropped to the floor and wrapped her arms around Mags's legs, crying heavily into her lap.
The old woman's hands patted and rubbed her shoulders, murmuring soothing words until the younger woman's cries grew soft and then stopped.
Annie sniffed and looked up. "What's next? What do I do now?" She sounded like a little girl and she was brought back to the memory of Mags showing her how to plant a garden.
Mags cupped Annie's face in her wrinkled hands and brought her back to the present. "You tell your husband. And you take care of yourself. And you try not to worry about Finnick because it could be harmful to the baby."
"I can't not worry about Finnick, Mags. I love him." She felt the hysteria coming on.
Mags kissed her forehead. "I know, child."
Annie clenched her teeth and tried to calm her thoughts as they started churning again. She had seen the fear in Peeta's eyes that morning begging her not to leave him alone, but she wasn't even there. And this would take her even farther away. He'd hate her for that, even if he wanted the baby.
Annie slowly stood and nodded. "I'll try."
"So what are you going to do?" Mags asked gently. "How can I help you?"
"Help me keep an eye on myself and Peeta." Annie said softly. "I didn't plan for this baby, but I do plan on bringing it into a healthy home." She stepped toward the door. "I'll come back tomorrow. In better spirits, I hope."
"Hold up a minute, Annie." Mags gathered a few heads of cabbage and several carrots into a basket. "You take those on home and eat them up. It'll be good for you and the baby."
Annie hugged Mags once more, holding her tightly for a long time before she gathered the basket and headed back home.
She took longer this time. The air was cold as it blew off the water and she pulled her shawl tighter around her shoulders. Winter was about to set in. She paused and looked out over the water, dropping her hand to her stomach once more. She'd felt her body growing and changing, but didn't really register it. She still had trouble comprehending. What if this had nothing to do with a baby? What if she was just ill?
She turned and finished her journey home where she found Peeta mixing what looked like a cake batter. She walked over, sat down the basket from Mags, and wrapped her arms around his waist.
He hesitated just a moment before he hugged her back. "Johanna is watching the stall. You want to relieve her or finish up here? Or lie down?"
"I'll relieve her." She kissed his cheek. "I love you. I haven't stopped."
He stepped back and looked everywhere but at her. "I haven't either." He combed his fingers back through his hair. "I'm just so…"
"Confused?" She finished for him.
He looked at her finally and nodded. "Yes." He turned and poured the batter into a waiting cake pan.
She watched curiously. "Who ordered a cake?"
He smiled. "Well, it's your birthday. So I ordered it."
She took a moment to think and then looked down. "I've been so lost…" All her emotions were finally coming to the surface now that she was out of the fog. She felt warmth welling up in her chest that he was to thoughtful to remember her birthday. Tears stung the corners of her eyes, grateful tears this time. Her own father never remembered her birthday. She grabbed Peeta's face and pressed her lips to his. "Thank you. I'll go to the stand."
She slowly made her way out of the house. She'd tell him later. This wasn't the type of news she could tell him with a full day of work still ahead.
Peeta watched Annie leave, but he wanted so much to call her back and pull her into his arms and tell her that whatever was distressing her, he would make okay again.
But he didn't want it to be her. He wanted Katniss. He needed Katniss.
A lot of people saw her as harsh and unfriendly, but she had always been soft with him. Kind from the moment she first saw the bruises on his cheek from his mother's hard punishments. The next day, she'd brought a salve her mother had made that helped with the pain and lessened the bruise sooner than the past.
From then on, Katniss was always there to help him with a burn or cut or wounded pride. It grew more serious as they grew older and they started thinking about the future. Maureen had wanted Peeta to marry a girl who was a merchant. An actual merchant. Katniss didn't count because her mother had married far below her rank when she'd eloped with a former slave. And even though she still peddled her medications, Iris was no merchant as far as Maureen was concerned.
He was still thinking about Katniss when Johanna appeared at the door a short time later.
Peeta looked up from his latest batch of dough. "What are you doing here, Johanna?" He asked as he went back to forming rolls.
"I came to talk." She sat down at one of the kitchen chairs and crossed her arms over her chest. "Annie looks better."
"I suppose she does." He continued to make rolls. "No thanks to you."
She leaned forward so quickly, Peeta barely had time to move out of her way. "No thanks to me? What is that even supposed to mean?"
"Annie and I…" He shook his head. "I don't owe you any explanation without yours first."
"Look, I can't tell you anything. It could mean—"
"Yeah, I get it. Death and destruction." He snapped as he slipped a pan of rolls that had been left to rise earlier in the oven.
"There's a revolution brewing." Johanna said quickly between clenched teeth. "And I can't give you a lot of details, but your daddy got on someone's bad side. So did Katniss's. That's why you're here and Finnick is there."
"But how can I get back to Katniss? And Finnick get back here?" He took Annie's cake out of the oven and started mixing up a frosting.
"Are you sure you want that?" Johanna challenged.
"Of course I do!" Peeta tried to calm his voice before he said anything else. "Why wouldn't I? Katniss and I have been in love since we were small. The only thing keeping us apart was my mother."
"So would you still want to go home to Katniss if there was anything different?"
"Like what?"
"Anything. Annie gets sick or has a baby? Katniss has a baby with Finnick?"
"Why would you even…? Does Katniss…?" He was too frustrated with her implications to form a complete sentence.
Johanna stood. "I don't have all the answers, Peeta. But I do know there is danger if you try to step out of line. Focus on the bakery and keeping Annie sane. Help is going to come eventually, I just don't know when. And I'd rather see you two try to be happy than trying to run and harming yourselves."
"I could be happier back home in Twelve. With Katniss. Making a life working in my father's bakery, not struggling to start my own. Not living with a woman who isn't all here. I love Annie. I do. But that's supposed to be Finnick's job and I was forced to take over."
Johanna shook her head and threw her hands up in the air. "If I could fix it, I would. And I know you would too. But we're all stuck." She turned and left the house without another word.
Peeta watched her go until he couldn't see her anymore and then he went back to work. He tried not to dwell on Johanna's words, but there was no way he couldn't. He just had to take her at her word. How was he even supposed to believe what she said was true when there was no proof that they were in danger? Just because he was here? It wasn't right. And it wasn't fair.
He made his way into town with the third batch of breads for the stall a short time later. He paused when he got within sight of the booth.
Annie stood with a young mother whose name he'd forgotten, leaning down and laughing with the little boy at the mother's hip. He laughed happily as Annie pulled coins from behind his ear and made them disappear in her hand, magically turning them into rolls each time until there were half a dozen in his mother's basket.
As they walked away, Peeta finished his journey over. She put the money away and leaned on her hand, watching her husband's approach.
"You look like you're in a much better mood." He observed.
"I am." She said. "I just needed some fresh air."
"Good." He started refilling the boxes.
She placed her hand on his arm. "You should go home. I'm fine here."
He examined her face. "Are you sure?"
She nodded. "All those long days you were here by yourself worrying about me at home in my…I was lost in darkness. But it's going away by the hour. I want to make it up to you." She squeezed his arm gently and then dropped her hand. "Go look over the work on the bakery and then go home and bake some more."
"Okay. If you want." He was a little reluctant.
"I do want." She said with a smile, her eyes even matched.
"How about crawfish etouffee for supper?" He asked as he picked up the box where they stored the money. "Or would you like something else? It's your birthday?" He fished out some coins.
"I would love etouffee." She smiled and tapped her cheek. "Don't leave without a kiss."
He grinned and leaned closer. He hesitated only a moment before he pressed his lips to her cheek. If someone was watching, he was going to give them what they expected. "Don't linger when everything is gone. It's your birthday and we should celebrate."
"Not—"
He shook his head. "Not that way. But I baked you a cake and I'm cooking one of your favorite meals. And I have a gift for you. So come home." He gave her a grin and walked into the fish market.
Annie watched Peeta move around the market until he found a stall selling crawfish. She watched him negotiate. As someone who wasn't from Four, he bartered as well as the rest of them. She wasn't sure how life in Twelve was for a baker, but she really didn't figure haggling was part of it. Their prices were always pretty set.
He walked out the other end of the market and she watched him until his blonde hair was lost in the crowd.
The afternoon dragged by until the final hour when more and more people stopped by to get breads for their evening meal. Annie was more than happy to bring home the empty boxes along with the money they had earned that day and walked home as quickly as possible, dodging people all along the way.
She stepped into the house and called, "Peeta, I'm home."
"Happy birthday, Annie!" Peeta said as he stepped into the room with a cake in hand. It was small and covered in white frosting. Annie knew from the last time her husband had made a cake that the confection was delicious. He'd allowed her to lick the bowl, explaining that his father had let him do it when he was a child.
She smiled and swiped her finger through the side of the cake, sucking the frosting off. She laughed. "Thank you." She leaned in to kiss his cheek, but he turned his head and caught her lips instead.
"I've missed kissing you." He whispered, his face conflicted.
She shook her head. "Oh, that's gotten us into a lot of trouble."
"It has." He agreed, turning and heading into the kitchen.
Annie followed and said, "Peeta, I need to tell you something." She dropped the money box in its designated drawer and leaned against the counter. She swallowed, looking down. How do I say it?
"What is it?" Peeta asked as he filled bowls of etouffee for each of them.
After a few calming breaths, she stepped forward and took the bowl from his hand, replacing it with her own hands. "Do you remember how we made love?"
He nodded. "We've all but agreed never to do that again."
"We have. And we never have to. Not unless…" She felt the tears at the back of her eyes. She hadn't really thought about it since she'd left Mags. With a shaking voice she said, "You're going to be a father, Peeta."
His face was uncomprehending until she dropped her hand to her stomach. "A baby?" He whispered. "We made a baby?"
She nodded, no longer able to speak.
Tears fell down Peeta's cheeks as his face contorted in grief. "It's not right."
She shook her head. "It's not."
He turned and leaned his hand on the counter, covering his face with his other hand as sobs shook his body. "We should have been more careful. We should have considered it."
"Yes." She placed her hands on his back. "We should have."
He turned. "We can't leave now."
She shook her head, fresh tears falling from her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I know Katniss and Finnick—"
"They'll hate us if they ever see us again." He said bitterly.
They reached for each other at the same time and held tightly as they cried together. Annie was relieved that she no longer held this alone.
When Peeta was finally recovered, he stepped back and wiped his face on a nearby towel. "You need to eat, Annie. Now more than ever."
She nodded and took a seat. They ate in silence until their bowls were empty. Then he stood and walked toward the cupboard where she hid her favorite Finnick drawings and pulled down a book.
He sat beside her and placed the book in front of her. "This will probably hold up a little better than loose paper."
She opened it and found Finnick's face laughing up at her. She turned the page and found another of Finnick standing up to his knees in the ocean holding a fishing spear. Others followed, similar to drawings he'd done for her before. After a dozen drawings, the pages were blank.
"I'll draw you more whenever you want. Or when I feel like drawing him for you." He promised.
"Peeta, with the baby—"
"I don't want it to change us, Annie. I want us to continue being friends and working together." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "And we'll raise our baby together."
She closed the book and stood, slipping quickly out of his embrace. She put the book back in the cabinet. "You're going to hate it."
"I'm not." He promised.
She turned and leaned against the counter. "You don't know that."
"You don't either." He stood in front of her. "I love you. I'll never stop loving you. And no matter what happens, I'll love our baby. I'm going to take care of both of you like you deserve." He placed his hands on her shoulders and slid them down to her hands. "You'll be okay and I'm going to see to it."
She felt the tears again and nodded. "Thank you."
He wiped away her tears. "Let's eat cake. You can have as much as you want."
She gave a watery chuckle and sat back down as Peeta cut them each a slice. "You really didn't have to go to all this trouble. Cakes are expensive."
"Not when you're a baker and have a few extra ingredients." He took a bite and nodded. "I'm not too bad."
She laughed around the cake in her mouth and nodded. "And not modest at all."
He shrugged. "And why should I be?"
She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I love you, too."
Peeta smiled and patted her hand. Annie ducked her head and finished eating her cake. She stood and started getting ready to wash up when he stopped her.
"Your birthday." He said. "You should get a break from this."
"I've had too many weeks of a break." She said as she continued.
"Then two will work faster than one." He sidled up next to her and helped with the evening chore, barely saying anything to each other, lost in their worries about the future now that there was a baby on the way.