Finding Home 7
It's a bit hazy when she wakes up, but warm and comfy. Mal is definitely behind her breathing heavily in her sleep. How she got from the couch downstairs to her bed is uncertain. Henry possibly carried her? Or Mal and her magic. Either way she is grateful for the thick comforter hugging her body. It's saturday, which means there is nothing to do but sleep in. Pancakes. She should make Henry pancakes. Does she have strawberries? He likes them with his breakfast, and freshly squeezed orange juice. She could do that for him.
"You awake?" Mal's voice ghosts around her as her body slides closer, wrapping around Regina's midsection. She hums in response, curling tighter into her personal furnace. "I know you want to sleep, but I think you and Roland need to talk." Regina stills, blinking her eyes open, she forgot he was here, how on earth could she have forgotten that. "He found your heart."
Shit. Shit. Shit. That wasn't supposed to happen. She wanted to explain to him everything before he saw the state of her badly bruised organ. "He just wants to know what happened Regina." She blows out a guilty breath, nodding into her pillow, and perhaps today is going to be that day where she lets her wounds split open, and hopefully, oh god hopefully he understands. So much for a lazy weekend morning. Mal kisses her cheek, and Regina pushes the blanket off of her, swallows thickly and pads over to the bathroom, a hot shower definitely needed before this all goes down. She can hear Mal move from bed too, promising her a cup of coffee when she is ready.
Donning jeans, a green silk blouse and damp hair loosely hung about her shoulders she takes one last breath and heads down the stairs to where three voices are already awake. It's jarring, walking into the kitchen and seeing Roland there, sitting with a cup of coffee in his palms, a grey henley long sleeve tucked into dark denim jeans, a checkered green and black button up hanging softly open, an ensemble that clearly came from Henry's closet. Bless her boy and his pure heart of gold.
"Morning mom!" Henry turns, smiling brightly as a her mug he made her in the fourth grade extends out from his hands. She loves this mug. Cracks and all. Doesn't have it in her to magically fix the little leak that beads where the clay yellow handle attaches to the not quite cylindrical cup. It's bright blue, a shining orange sun painted on one side, a messy small handprint in red on the other. It's beautiful to her.
Gratefully she takes the coffee from him, presses a kiss to his bedhead hair, and saddles into a stool beside Roland who is smiling at her. A quiet morning passing his lips, and it is perfect. This is perfect. Sitting with her boys over morning coffee.
They talk about nothing really, it's mostly Henry that keeps the conversation going as Mal flips a pancake behind them, apparently Regina's cooking skills aren't needed. She listens to Henry explain his newest hardship at the school, the kids there aren't being exactly attentive with christmas breakfast approaching. It's becoming harder and harder for him to give a meaningful lesson about the ogre's war when everyone is chattering away about vacation plans.
"Why don't you just take them outside for a class?" Roland questions behind his mug. Henry hums, chews on the suggestion for a second. "Like let them play outside instead of learning?"
"Not necessarily. But from what I know of the ogre's war it extended through four winters, and soldiers had to fight in the snow. Maybe you could do like a reenactment of it or something?"
A smile breaks out on Regina's older boy's lips, as he pats his younger brother on the back. "That's a great idea Ro! Thanks."
"It's nothing."
"You know what, why don't you come with me one day?"
"Why?" Roland stiffens confused. But Henry is Henry and chuckles through Roland's sudden anxious questions. "Well they used swords, which I can kinda show them, but their main weapon against the ogres was a bow and arrow."
"You want me to teach them to shoot an arrow?"
"I don't know if the board would let me use actual arrows, but I'm sure we could fashion something less severe. What do you think?"
Regina watches from the side, flicking her gaze between a smiling hopeful Henry and the nervous twitch in Roland's hands. "You'd be great at it." She comments out quietly, shrugging her shoulders when Roland's eyes widen at her interjection.
"I...uh...I'll think about it."
"Great! Let me know."
Pancakes are served and they spend the rest of the morning with Maleficent regaling tales of her time through the ogre's war. How there had been king after king begging her to help, for with a dragon on their side, surely no foe could stand a chance. Regina snickers beside Mal who is beyond smug at the reaction she gains from both Henry and Roland. The dragon seems to forget that Regina was there, had spent many a fire lit night in Maleficent's castle as the woman badgered on about the fact she could take down the entire ogre's army with a simple spout of flame, but the kings deemed her too dangerous to request her skills. She hadn't set a single monster on fire, and the fact of the matter was beyond aggravating for the Dragon.
Regina stands, collects the plates and turns to the sink, letting their laughter hug her tight. In the middle of scrubbing a pan, Roland is suddenly beside her, looking out the window as he moves so they are shoulder to shoulder. He sighs heavy with a shake of his head. "Dad was the best at archery." She smiles small at that, because it's true, there was no arrow that could rival his own. He'd promised to teach Henry once Regina decided he was old enough to wield a bow….only to find out later they had already been practicing. The revelation on their guilty sheepish caught faces when she had starkly questions how her prized apple tree suddenly had cuts and marks in it. Robin had made it up to her later though, in many many ways.
"Yeah. He was incredible at it. Are you nervous about helping Henry?"
"I suppose. I am not as good as my dad was."
"He'd be proud of you regardless I'm certain."
Roland shrugs, a glassy look crossing his face as his eyes go hollow. "I'm not entirely sure of that." His confession hits Regina like a ton of bricks as she drops the pan quietly into the sudsy sink of warm water and reaches for Roland's hand, squeezing it gently as the bubbles run between their fingers. And he doesn't even flinch at her touch. Squeezes back if anything.
Her heart thunders in her chest as she looks up at him. He's grown so much. She just wishes she could have been there for him.
"We should talk."
"Mal told you about me finding your heart?"
"She did. And I'd like to take some time with just us to explain to everything I can to you."
He nods, "I'd like that. Can we go to his camp?"
She stills. Since Robin died she hasn't stepped foot where the Merry Men once resided. Every single tree there reminds her of him, of their time together. But this isn't about her and what she can or can't face. This is about Roland, and if he feels comfortable there, well she will simply have to put her own anxiety to the side for a few hours.
"Of course we can."
"Do you mind if I go alone first?"
"Not at all. I'll meet you there at noon?"
"Sure."
He leaves with one last squeeze to her palm and the moment she hears his footsteps fade and the front door close behind him, she lets her tears fill her eyes and fall into the cooling dish water.
"Are you alright?"
Mal steps in behind her, hands gently placed on her hips as she deposits a chaste kiss to Regina's damp cheek. Wiping away her tears she nods, mumbling out I'm fine as she turns to burying herself into her Dragon. But Mal stops her before she can find safety. Tips her chin up and chuckles, "You have bubbles on your face."
For all the nervousness that is firing up Regina's spine, she laughs, let's Mal wipe away the remnants of dish washing from her cheeks and leans into a kiss. "You're doing the right thing Regina."
"I hope so."
.
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…
..
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When he walks into the Merry Men's camp it's like walking into a ghost house. There are still a few strung up tents tied to thick pine trees he remembers one being Tuck's, another Alan's and the last, his father's. He walks slowly up to the green canvas homes, struggling to not sink to his knees at the sight of the broken down fire pit they all used to sit around. For all the anger he had towards them, for taking him away from Regina, for not really explaining what happened to his father, it's bittersweet to sit down on the large oak log and take in the home he used to have so long ago.
The snow puffs about his shuffling feet in the dirt, the bark of the frozen tree chilling his skin through the denim trousers he borrowed from Henry. Even his breath is like a smoking cloud that dissolves into the cold air. There isn't much warmth here anymore, not like there used to be. This place always had life to it. A song that sang loudly between the trees. It's just silent now.
Frowning at the spiking chill in his fingers, he kneels next to the crumbled firepit, arranging the stone blocks back into something that resembles a half decent circle. Brushing off some twigs, he tips them up, like a teepee his dad used to say, you have to make a home for the fire or else it won't burn properly. Grabbing some sodden mulch he piles it in between the branches and digs for his matches.
The first two don't do much, it's too wet to start. Grumbling he tries again, eliciting a bit of smoke this time, but it's not going to grow into anything. He turns to try and locate something half dry, a pile of leaves in the far corner underneath the coverage of tree's could possibly provide something half decent.
"Need a light?"
He swirls on the spot at her voice, finding her standing in a thick wool coat and green scarf tied around her neck at the edge of the camp. She looks scared to be here. And he wonders why. Perhaps it too brings back painful memories. He shrugs and glowers at the pitiful wisp of smoke curling from his little attempt at a fire. "Everything is wet. I can't get it to start."
He watches they way she hesitates at the clearings edge, her eyes flicking to Robin's tent to their right, a sad expression painting her face below the mask he knows she wears. He promised to do better for his dad. After seeing her heart, he knew that he had been cruel in where he placed his blame on her. His boots crunch the leaves below as he walks up to her, extending a hand she looks down at before lacing her fingers into it. "It's weird being here isn't it."
She nods, smiles but her eyes flush with wetness. Maybe he should have just suggested they talk at her manor. Somewhere she felt more at ease. "I haven't been here since he died."
"I remember you coming here to tell me."
"You do?"
Her eyes are wide and fearful as he nods morosely, exhaling a dismally sad breath. "I don't think I understood what was going on to be honest. I just remember you crying and no one saying anything and my dad not being there."
"I'm sorry." She whispers out guilt ridden. She should have been stronger for him. He lost his dad and she had simply sobbed as a little boy of five had hugged her tight and told her it would all be okay.
"Don't be. I lost my dad. But you lost him too."
He squeezes her gloved and slowly walks them back to the firepit, letting Regina sit on the blanket she quickly produces to keep their legs from freezing on the rock solid cold tree trunk. Watching as her hand twirls gently and a solid high flame consumes his little teepee of twigs, he finally lets a heavy breath go, thanks her quietly and sits down beside her, both their eyes trained into the flames.
It beautiful in the winter here, she's always loved the way the air sparkles with frost, trees hang heavy and low with packed crystal white snow, everything having this ethereal look to it, as though if you breath too heavy it will all crack and fall apart. Tugging her coat around her tighter, she leans into Roland's shoulder, being able to vaguely hear the beating of his heart, strong and steady.
They can't sit here forever though. And she can't avoid the green canvas tent behind her that once upon a time she spent many many nights within, tucked into a warm body who peppered her with affection.
"Can you tell me what happened? What really happened that night?" His voice is somber and sad, breaking the quiet of the forest around them. Her heart jumps anxiously at the memory as she closes her eyes and breathes out a heavy heavy breath.
"When we were in the Underworld you dad stayed with your sister in the forest while we tried to find Hook."
"Why was she even down there?"
"Belle was watching her and Neal here in Storybrooke, and Zelena masqueraded as the Blue Fairy and I guess something went wrong and your sister, mine, and Belle were sucked into the portal there."
"Zelena doesn't seem like a very smart mother. Surely that wasn't any place for a child. It's why I didn't go with you and dad."
"No. She wasn't at the time. But love can make you do some strange things."
He huffs, frowns at the fuzzy memories of a little baby in pink he'd been introduced to briefly. They hadn't honestly had much interaction before everything went sideways. He doesn't even know her name.
"Anyway. We got your sister back and then I made the mistake of thinking I could trust Zelena's judgement. She believed Hades had changed for love. Your father was furious with me when I asked him to trust me, to trust the woman who had stolen both of you away from me, the woman who had murdered your mother in the past."
That he didn't know. His heart thumping angrily at the thought they would even consider that woman to be an ally. After everything she had done to them. He scowls and stiffens and Regina feels it and sinks slightly in her posture beside him.
"It was a mistake. I never should have let my guard about her down, but I wanted so terribly to believe that she was going to try and be better."
"You did what you thought was best at the time, I suppose."
His tone is flat, clearly unimpressed with the story thus far, and it was only going to get worse. "I will regret that decision forever."
"Why?"
"Hades double crossed all of us, tried to trap us in the Underworld so he and Zelena could return here and rule without any of us being there to stop him."
"She picked a real winner didn't she."
Regina chuckles sadly, wipes her eyes that build with tears. "My sister is a complicated woman."
"What happened after that? You guys obviously got back."
"We did. You father and I broke into my office where Hades was keeping your sister." The words catch in her throat. The locked away memory beginning to form into her mind. The way she had apologized for being so crass with Robin's child. How he'd forgiven her, his promise that she was his future, that kiss that left her tingling from head to toe. It had been the last time she'd ever get to feel him like that again.
"Hades killed him didn't he?"
Her tears fall but she nods out a quiet yes. They fall into silence, Roland watching the flames as his heart begins to bleed at the thought of his father dying as a hero. That's all they told him. Not who, not how, but just that he died being the hero they all knew him to be. That was the last they would ever speak of it.
"He had this crystal that could obliterate a soul, wipe a person from existence and he turned it on me."
Roland stills and tilts his face down to Regina's who is crying quietly beside him. Her lips quivering, pink chilled cheeks stained with heavy trails of pain that escape eyes shut tight.
"He saved you."
"It's my fault he died."
His head swirls at the idea, but he knew his father, and his papa was a man who put those he loved first. He was a hero in every shape and form. There is no doubt in his mind that his dad would have done only what was necessary in order to save her.
"No. No it's not."
Regina cries only harder at that, burying her face into her palms as Roland covers her little torso into his arms, and hugs her tight. "He loved you. And I know my dad. He didn't do it without thinking about the consequences. He knew what he was doing."
"It should have been me though." She shakes in his arms, "He shouldn't have gotten in my way."
"Do you really think my dad would have listened to you?"
"What?" She sniffs hard, pulling back from his body and searching his face confused as he smiles down at her. "Think about it. When did you ever know my dad to listen to anyone when someone who he loved was being threatened?"
Her mind floods with all the times he had done just that. Not listened to her. Gotten in her way and almost died for it. In the Enchanted Forest, here in storybrooke when the darkness tried to take her, in Camelot when a blade meant for her had stabbed him instead. He was stubborn when it came to her protection. The thought makes her heart skip.
"He was beyond stubborn in that regard and there if he was here today, you know he'd tell you he would do it again."
She cries, nods, and leans back into him. He's right. And she knows it. But still, his protective streak had cost him his life, simply because he loved her, and she never wanted that from him, his life to be taken for hers to be sparred. That wasn't supposed to be their ending.
"I'm proud of him. Now that I know why he died. Makes me feel better, more at peace I guess."
"I'm sorry you lost him Roland."
"Me to. And I am sorry for you too. Like I said, he was my dad, but you loved him too, and loss is never easy."
"When did you become so wise?" She smirks through her tears as he grins and shrugs, "Not a clue."
They fall back into an easier silence as the fire heats the air around them. Perhaps this is good for her, to talk about what happened, she's never truly spoken to anyone but Maleficent about that night. It feels...freeing in a strange way.
"I miss him."
"Me too."
"Will you tell me about your heart?"
Exhaling hard she sits up straight, leaving Roland's shoulder rest for now, "When I got home from New York, you were gone. I think it was Ruby who told me that the Merry Men had taken you back to Sherwood Forest. I was furious."
"You were?"
"Of course I was. You were not just theirs. I loved you." She shakes out angrily at the memory of learning her little knight had been taken without even a conversation or goodbye. "For days after you left I had tried everything to open a portal so that I could at least come and explain what was happening, possibly convince them to let me have you for a little while every year."
"You wanted me back?"
"Roland." She turns and cups his cheek tenderly. "There hasn't been a day that's passed that I haven't prayed for you to come home to me. I have missed you more than I can express and I feel so unbelievably guilty that I never got to say even a goodbye to you. It wasn't fair to you."
"Wasn't fair to you either."
"No. It wasn't. But you were so young and understandably couldn't possibly know why everything had suddenly changed. I should have protected you better."
His eyes burn with tears, swallowing the lump in his throat heavily as he breathes out a shaky, "I'm here now though."
Regina smiles, lets a few tears fall from her thick lashes as her head shakes back and forth before holding his gaze strong.
"You are. And I promise that I won't let that happen ever again."
"I guess you couldn't open a portal though?"
"I tried. I really did. Magic can be finicky and when the black fairy's wand had shattered when the portal closed, it closed off everything. For a while no one could travel anywhere."
He nods, beginning to understand more and more why he grew up without her. "Is that why your heart looks like it does?"
"Part of it certainly."
Frowning he tilts her fallen chin back up to his eyes. "What happened to it then?"
Regina sighs, sniffs back till she can steal her emotions at bay and explain to him as best as she can. "I couldn't give up on you, or your father."
"You tried to bring him back?"
"I did, many times. But magic is finicky and it's nearly killed me in the process."
"He'd be pissed with you doing that."
"I know." She chuckles, seeing his bright blue eyes in the distance of her heart, the way he'd certainly be huffing out an aggravated breath at her for putting herself in jeopardy like that. But she missed him.
"Why didn't it work?"
"I needed more than just my heart to bring him back I guess."
"You gave up pieces of your heart for him?"
"And for you."
His eyebrows raise high into his hairline as he gapes openly astounded and confused at her.
"I was so desperate to get you both back that my own well being didn't seem that important at the time. As long as it worked, I would keep trying."
"Yeah he'd definitely be mad at you for that. I am a bit to be honest."
She freezes beside him, "I was trying to find you."
"And putting yourself in danger in the process. Neither of us would have wanted that."
"Roland you were five."
"Doesn't matter. You are my mother and there is no way I'd want you to do that for me."
Her jaw drops, eyes flooding with new fresh hot tears. He called her his mother, present tense. It makes her heart flip and crash about against her ribs.
"What?"
"You called me your mother."
"You are. Why do you think I came back to find you?"
He looks oddly bewildered at her stunned expression. It's true. She's been that person for him. He doesn't remember Marian. Not really anyway. And the memories of Zelena masquerading as her have been magically wiped away. Regina in all essence is his mom. He just figured she knew that. Regardless of his anger towards her in the beginning, he is still that same lost little boy holding her memory in his heart like a vice grip. And now that the truth is beginning to come out, the anger is swallowed by a longing to have her back. He's missed her. And he wants her to be there again. Wants a mother back. Wants her back.
Her arms curl slowly around his neck and she buries her face into his chest, crying hard, and he isn't sure if it's from pain or happiness, he hopes it's the later as he hugs her back tightly. "I mean if you still want me to stay…"
"Always Roland. Always." She laughs through her tears into him, gripping his shoulders harder, as he chuckles into her hair, soft as he remembers it to be.
"I have a question though." He pulls back, looking her straight in her eyes. "Do you know what could bring him back?"
"I don't in all honesty." She confesses, "I thought that maybe because he and I are soulmates that my heart would be enough." Her voice trails off.
"What about using mine as well?"
"Roland." She shakes her head, because that is a definite no. "I won't use your heart."
"Why?"
"Because. I don't know if it would work, and even if it did, I can't do that to you, he wouldn't want that."
"I'm a grown man, I can make my own decisions and I want you to do it. Just let us try."
"Roland-"
"Just once. If it doesn't work then I won't ask you again."
She shakes her head, but he cups her cheek, his button brown eyes melting her soul.
"Please mom."