Reviews are appreciated
Enjoy
Chapter 3
Erin woke up the next morning with a hurricane of emotions in her chest. She desperately wanted to see Jay, but she also knew that they had to have a serious talk. She wasn't very good at talking.
She wemt with her normal morning routine, thinking about Jay all the while.
"Guess what Mason?" Erin asked her son while they were eating breakfast. She watched him look up at her as a glob of syrup dripped down his chin.
"What, mommy?" He wondered.
"We're gonna go to the park later." She decided against telling Mason what and who they were going to the park for.
"Really!" His blue eyes lit up at her statement and he was practically bouncing in his chair.
Erin just smiled and nodded her head at her son. She continued to watch him as he ate his breakfast, her mind once again drifted to Jay. She should have told him from the start, she knew that. She just didn't know how. She was afraid.
She was still afraid, even after their conversation last night, after him telling her he wasn't mad. He was a forgiving guy, and he had always been understanding with her, but she knew he was probably more angry and hurt than he was letting off.
"Mommy, I'm done. " Mason said, pushing his empty plate towards her and smiling proudly.
"Good job, baby!" Erin complimented and watched as her son's smile widen even further.
She couldn't wait to see the original owner of that smile.
"Go play, Mason." Erin barely got the words out before he dropped her hand and ran towards the playground. He had way too much energy for his own good.
She had barely settled into the bench before she heard his voice say her name. She turned and there he was, smirking and holding out a steaming paper cup towards her. She took the cup from him and their fingers brushed ever so gently. His eyes shot to hers when they did and she felt the goosebumps erupt up her arm. She quickly looked away and felt him sit next to her, a little too far away for her liking.
For a moment they just sat together, sipping their coffee and watching Mason run around the park. It felt so natural, like it was always supposed to be this way. She thought of how she missed out 4 years of this.
"So, what brings you to New York? " She asked, wanting to start off light.
He looked at her and smiled.
"I took a job in Narcotics here." He said, she felt a warm feeling flooding her body. She wasn't sure what it was.
"So you're here for good?" She had to make sure she was hearing him right, that her mind wasn't just tellng her what she wanted to hear.
"For good. " He replied, looking back at the park.
She remembered what she had brought him, and reached for her bag to retrieve them.
"I brought you these." She said, holding out a small folder of photos of Mason as a baby.
He took them from her and immediately started to flip through them, smiling as he did so.
"He's so cute." Jay smiled, holding the phtos a little closer to his face every time he turned to a new a picture.
"He's the smartest in his class, the teachers are convinced he's some sort of genius robot baby." Erin laughed.
"Rugged good looks and razor sharp mind." Jay grinned, and she felt her own lips mirror his smile.
"When they come togther." She muttered.
He kept flipping until he reached the beginning again, then he looked at her with a slight sadness clouding his blue orbs.
"Does he know...about me.?" His voice was shaky.
Erin sighed and fiddled with the material of the cup.
"There was this one time, he found a picture of us in my closet. He wondered who you were, he knew all my other friends and had never seen you before. I was going to make something up but it felt wrong, you know. So I told him, I told him you were his dad. I told him how we lived in different places and had different jobs. And I told when the time was right, he would meet you. He didn't say much, I'm not totally sure he understood it all, and that was a while ago, so I'm not sure if he remembers."
Erin watched him exhale, trying to take in everything. She knew how hard this probably was for him.
Her chest felt heavy as she thought of the thing's she needed to say. She kind of wished she was holding a beer instead of coffee, needing the fake courage.
"I know I should have told you, and I'm sorry. But I was so overwhelmed. You were all the way in Chicago and I was here, and I know it sounds stupid but I was afraid. I was afraid of you and how you made me feel, I was afraid of being a mom, of what kind of mom I would be. I just...I need you to know I'm sorry." Her voice cracked and she felt the tears well up in her eyes.
Then she felt his warm, comforting hand land gently on her knee. She peeked up at his eyes and her tears almost fell due to the look in his eyes. There was no trace of anger. There was the same understanding, the same softness there always was. And maybe another something she wasn't ready to see yet.
"I'm sorry." She whispered again.
Jay took a deep breath and rubbed his thumb across her knee.
"Do I wish you would've told me?" Jay paused, leaning in ever so slightly to make sure she really understood him.
"Yes, of course I do. I wish I could have been there for him, and for you. But, I let go too. I stopped calling, I stopped reaching out. And I regret that, I regret losing you." He was whispering by the time he finished speaking, his hand had moved up the smallest distance and was now resting on her thigh. His eyes were staring deeply into her own, and she watched his gaze flick to her lips for a moment.
Then a small voice cut through the thick air between them.
"Mommy!" Mason called, barelling towards her and jumping into her lap. She looked at Jay for a moment and he looked just as shaky as she felt.
"Hi." Mason said to Jay, now leaning against his mother's chest and staring at Jay.
"What's up buddy? " Jay asked, meeting Erin's eyes briefly and smirking.
"My name's Mason." Mason said, extending his small hand towards Jay.
Erin smiled and said quietly, only so Jay could hear.
"Always the gentleman."
Jay laughed and took Mason's hand his own.
"Nice to meet you, Mason." Jay said, shaking his hand gently.
"I went down the slide 4 times, all by myself!" Mason told Jay excitedly.
"Wow." Jay said.
Mason got up from Erin's lap and stood in front of Jay.
"Can you push me on the swings?" He asked, pointing towards the swing set.
Jay met Erin's eyes again, silently asking permission. She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders.
"Sure." Jay said, getting up to follow Mason back to the playground.
Mason turned back around and called back to his mom who remained on the bench.
"C'mon, momma." He said, then looked back to Jay to make sure both adults followed him.
Erin laughed and got up from the bench, following along side Jay to where her son, their son, sat on the swings.
Erin leaned against the pole of the set as Jay pushed Mason again and again, his giggles echoing through the park. The sound made Erin smile and cused her heart to swell at the sight before her. Mason telling Jay to go higher and Jay laughing along with him.
Then Mason asked Jay to stop pushing and climbed off the swing and walked over to Erin. He grabbed her hand and tugged it downwards, so Erin crouched so she was level with him. The he whispered a question to her that made her heart swell even more and meet Jay's eyes again.
"You're going to have to ask Jay." Erin replied, watching as he turned to face Jay again.
"Do you wanna have pizza with us?" Mason asked hopefully. Jay looked at Erin , hesitance clouding his gaze, but she just nodded at him.
"I'd love to." He answered.
Mason smiled and grabbed both of their hands and led them back to Erin's car, Erin and Jay smiling at each other the whole way.
They ordered pizza and went back to Erin's place to have dinner, they mostly just talked to Mason about random little things. Him and Jay had a long conversation about cars and motorcycles and big machines. Erin just sat back and watched, watched the way Jay would make silly faces or over dramatize certain things, just to make him laugh.
They had settled on the couch and watched a movie, which Mason had fallen alseep halfway through. So Erin had gotten up to put him to bed, and when she re entered the living room, Jay was wandering around looking the photographs that were hung on the wall.
He turned whn he heard her walk towards him.
"He's quite the kid." Jay smiled.
Erin smiled back, leaning against the wall a few feet away from him.
"Yeah." She sighed happily, he was quite a kid.
He leaned opposite her on the wall and smiled again.
"You did a great job, Erin." He said sincerely.
"That's questionable some days." She laughed sadly, looking at the floor for a moment.
"It's his birthday next week, a couple of my friends are coming and we're just having a little party here. I think he'd really like if you came." She paused for a second, internaly arguing with herself if she should say what she was thinking.
"I'd really like if you came." She whispered.
Jay walked towards her and stopped just so their chests were barely touching.
"I'll be there. " He promised, then he leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead and muttered something about heading home.
She watched him retrieve his jacket and make his way to the door, she called out to him as his hand reached for the handle. He turned back at the sound of her voice.
She opened her mouth but no words came out, she couldn't put her thoughts into words. He nodded understandingly at her.
"I know. " He told her, and with that he was gone. But she knew he wasn't really gone. He never really had been.