Girl of Porcelain

TUESDAY

It was about 10 when Nathan and Vic met, deciding to prank that hipster wannabe.

"She's showering, so hurry up," Vic said, smiling diabolically while putting on her pink lipstick. Nathan grinned, then he nodded and opened his backpack, fishing out a red spray bottle. Vic opened door number 219. This was the first time Nathan saw her room. A crappy guitar was laying next to the sofa, and a plant which didn't look healthy. God, all of these posters … she tried so hard to be cool, it was already embarrassing. He looked around, searching for something to spray a little message on. The carpet? The windows? Then he turned his head, seeing her photo wall, containing the shittiest, most average pictures ever. He knew what to do.

"Nobody … messes … with … me … bitch," he growled. Then he took a step back, admiring his piece of art.

"There, I fixed it," he said and Vic smiled. – "Classic. I'll text you her reaction after she's seen it. And now buzz off, she could be ready any second."

"Almost done," Nathan said, then he took out a photo he had made. It was a monochrome and there was a sheep head laying on a tablet, next to him Max's head he had cropped out and sticked on the photo. In a fit of yesterday's anger, he had taken a knife and had scratched out her eyes. Mark had called it sick, even though he had admitted that he kind of liked it, but Nathan himself thought of it as a fucking masterpiece. He would've never thought that the photo he had made one year ago would come in handy.

"Serves you right, you stupid bitch," Nathan said, then he laid it on her bed. Vic and him kissed on the cheeks, then he left her room, walking down the hallway of the girl's dormitories, hearing loud pop music coming from a room, and a girl jumping on her bed, laughing. Then he heard Vic scream, "Turn this shit off, slut!" and another girl started yelling at her.

Girls – sometimes, Nathan was glad to be a guy … and not having to deal with chicks.

"Get the fuck out of here, creep! Try to watch me while I'm taking a shower and I'll kick your ass," this fat bitch called Alyssa yelled, and she looked at him with her purple hair, trying so hard to look tumblr. Girls like her grossed him out.

"You really think anybody wants to do that voluntary?" Then she froze, and Nathan retched, thinking about her showering. Why did she play so hard to get when she was already hard to want?! Nathan chuckled; that was actually Vic's quote he had prayed on the school's wall. So far, nobody seemed to care about it.

Then he exited the dormitories and inhaled the fresh air. God, it felt so good. He was up since 8, and he was already so freaking tired. Why was that? Actually, there wasn't a time he was actually awake. He always felt like he was not really there. Existing, yes. But not emotionally. He went to his room and grabbed his second phone.

'Keep your mouth shut about everything. Or I'm coming for your ass. I know where you sleep', he texted Max. That should do it. Nobody messed with him. She should know that, for her own sake.

He put his phone under his sofa, then he went outside again, as a stupid yet tempting thought flashed to his mind, the thought of not giving a shit at all and going to the sea and taking a bath. What the hell was wrong with Nathan? But then again – why not? Why the fuck not? Why shouldn't he go to the lot, start his fucking car, drive to the lighthouse and take a fucking bath in the–

"Nathan Prescott," a voice said. Nathan turned round. He sighed. Chloe's step-fuehrer, as she would say. Bitch knew how to call people names. "What were you doing in the girl's dormitories?"

"My friend still got my flash drive, so she took me to her room and gave it to me," he said, staring at Madsen's thick bush right over his lips. He frowned, crossing his arms. Damn, he looked so intense. He seemed like he had seen something minutes before. Nathan glanced at him.

"And your friend could't wait and bring it to the door?" he asked like he was Sherlock fucking Holmes or something. What the hell did he try to do?

"Can I help you?" Nathan hissed, but Madsen narrowed his eyes. "Boys aren't allowed in the girl's dormitories and vice versa." What kind of fucked up concept was that? Jesus christ, they had been more liberal back in the fucking fifties.

"But apart from that, this was not the reason I wanted to talk to you," he said, and Nathan thought about all the things he had done. Did he know about Kates vid? Or had he found out about Nathan's new graffiti about Mrs. Grant? Or maybe he had noticed that it had been him and Zach stabbing Well's wheels last week.

"Do you know a man called Frank Bowers?"

"No, I don't? Was that it?"

"Well, let me just tell you straight ahead, there are some rumors that you are selling drugs Blackwell students. Is that true?" Not only students, Mr. Madsen. Everybody who got cash and could keep their mouth shut.

"No, it's not, and I really have to go to attend class now," Nathan snarled, and suddenly, his headache started to appear, again.

"I just wanted to inform you that there are witnesses claiming that you've been selling drugs, especially coming from that drug dealer called Frank Bowers. So be prepared for my men investigating your room."

"What …?!" Nathan gasped. Shit! No, they couldn't do that! If they investigated his room, he'd be fucked. There were blood stains from Chloe passing out Nathan couldn't wash away, and these mutts were surely able to discover his drugs from the last party …!

"Who the fuck do you think you are? I don't think that my father, the most influential man in whole Arcadia Bay and beyond, would approve of you violating his son's privacy," Nathan yelled.

"I think I'm head of Blackwell's security sentry and you are in serious trouble, young man. I will talk to Officer Berry about that, and I'm sure he won't endorse knowing that you could be hiding drugs or pills in your room."

"Whatthefuckever! I ain't gonna do shit, you can't fucking scare me. My room's clean and you know that. You'll hear from my attorney," Nathan hissed, then he went away, holding his head since these stupid headaches started to appear again. Shit!

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit," Nathan mumbled, "don't panic, don't panic, everything's ok." Then he took out his phone and called Mark. He knew he wasn't allowed to do so, and Mark would certainly be pissed, but he had to. He started to get another attack and he knew that didn't end well.

"Hello? Yes …?"

"Mark, I know I shouldn't call you, but it's urgent," Nathan said, trying hard to breath. Come on, Nate, we've practiced … inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

Mark sighed, "Uh … hold on."

"You know that Max snitched on me and got me reported, right?"

"Yes," Mark said and Nathan could literally hear him roll with his eyes.

"Okay, and now Madsen has heard some things, too, that, ugh, that I've been pumping drugs and shit, how does he know that? Shit, Madsen wants to investigate my fucking room! You have to tell him not to do so! He'll listen to you, crap, if he sees Chloe's blood and shit, I'm so fucked! My dad's gonna take me from fucking Blackwell!"

"Sure, okay," Mark said. Nathan sensed that he wanted him to stop babbling, but he couldn't do so, the words were falling out of his mouth.

"Because, like, I know I should't have a gun and stuff, but I don't want these fuckers to search for drugs because they will find some, and if Sean knows about that, i'll be fucked, and I don't know–"

"Listen, I do have a class I have to teach, I have to go–"

"Uhm, yeah, I know, but this is like really fucking important to both of us, and you need to hurry the fuck up and talk to him about that!"

"Mm-hmm. Okay, I'll do that," Mark said firmly, and Nathan swallowed. Seemed like he did in fact take this seriously, even though Mark didn't seem as worried as Nathan.

"Sean already saw me taking drugs, and if he finds out, he's not gonna believe me anymore," Nathan said in panic, nervously nibbling on his fingernails.

"Oh, I know. That makes sense," Mark said mechanically. Of course it does, you dense idiot. Sometimes, Nathan wished Mark would be a little bit more empathic.

"Seriously, I have to hang up now–"

"But–"

"Lets talk about this later," Mark said, his voice was firm, and Nathan felt super annoying, but he could't stop it. His head was throbbing and his hands were sweaty and cold, like his fear would cling to his stomach and swell at his throat.

Silence.

"We'll talk later, okay? I have to go," Mark said, but his voice had turned soft.

"Why the fuck don't you wanna talk about it?" Nathan yelled; God, he sounded like his fucking wife. "Seriously, this isn't little Max snooping around at the girl's potty!" His muscles started to twitch again, that always happened during a panic attack.

"Because I can't have this conversation with you right now, okay? Would you please just hang up the phone?"

"You best fucking do something," Nathan hissed. – "Okay," Mark said tenderly, and Nathan smiled, feeling sorry for his outburst of rage.

His head was throbbing. He looked around; nothing to drink. He should really get used to take a bottle with him. Why was his head like that? He grabbed some pills, then he swallowed them, which sent shivers up Nathan's spine. God, how he hated his body. He felt like a wooden mannequin, but his innards were rotten and worm-eaten, and little maggots were eating their way up Nathan's head. Slowly consuming him. Kris had told him to take a breath every now and then, to take it slow, partying all around the clock wasn't healthy. Well she did have a point … but how was Nathan supposed to feel anything without pushing his body to the limits? He did what she said, though. Listening to these whale sounds she had sent him, for example. That really calmed him. He wished he'd be in Brazil, with her, seeing these creatures in real life.

Nathan knew that the pills took some time, so he sat down on a bench. Then he lightened a cig as he closed his eyes, trying to listen to the sounds of the morning birds, of the people walking around, looking at him judging, tried to catch the light October breeze. Such a nice day. Normally, he would've loved to photograph some things, walking around with his camera, maybe trying out some angles on Vic, framing her under some trees' shadows. Photographing was the only activity which calmed him down, stopped his random twitches that used to appear all of sudden. … But not today. Today was different, not only because of his shitty headache. There was something in the air … The day Rachel had been murdered by Nathan had been the same. The air was warm, a little breeze now and then, some butterflies flapping around and shit, it was such an un-fucking-believably nice day. Then this had happened.

Nathan took a drag as he observed the people passing by, looking at the squirrels or at him, and Nathan knew that none of them liked him. What a weird thought. Nathan had always wanted to capture some whales in motion, and Vic recently had promised him to go on a cruise. He looked forward to this day. Why did he want to become a famous photographer in the first place? Well, he didn't know. Back when his mother had died two years ago, he had thought that he would never frame anyone again. But the death … it had attracted him, and he had started to admire it. To capture it. Desperation and fear had turned to passion and new strength.

The first time Sean had hit him had been at his mother's funeral. Back when Nathan had photographed her in her coffin. He had thought she looked calm and peaceful, but Sean hadn't. Once, Nathan had almost been charged because he had broken into a graveyard by night and had photographed a dead cat laying on her owner's grave. Vic and Kris had always been the only persons who had seen something in him … something different than his last name.

Suddenly, Nathan needed to retch again. Shit, maybe he had taken too much of these pills. He knew how to take these fuckers without water and everything, that was his hidden super power. But then again, who cared anyway if he died? Well, not him. Since these pills, Nathan started to sweat and twitch a lot more than he usually did, and this was the reason he didn't attend class anymore. How could he do that if he couldn't manage to keep still for one minute? During the summer, Vic had always wanted to go swimming, but since Nathan had gotten an ugly ass rash directly on his chest, he couldn't do so, as well.

Fucking hell, maybe Mark was right. His "state" got worse everyday. 90 percent of the time, Nathan felt like just being there. Nothing more. He needed to, well, stimulate his senses by playing horror games or watching videos on LiveLeak, seeing somebody getting shot or whatever. Pretty fucked up, very true. But the only thing making Nathan feel alive … apart from that one guy. This kick, he needed that. He had gotten the same kick drugging Rachel Amber, but the kick hadn't stopped. And Rachel had died.

He saw the nun when he threw his cig away. Sweet Kate Marsh. Nathan wondered why she kept going to school instead of locking herself into her room, crying until her eyes fell out. Kate was one of the best victims they had. Almost perfect – if there wasn't the fact that she remembered a few things. It felt so good seeing her suffer. That way, Nathan could forget his own miserable life for at least a second.

"Samuel got the feeling that today, something terrible will happen," a voice said. Then, Nathan saw Samuel sitting down next to him. Nathan wanted to stand up before some of the club members would see him, but he suddenly felt so weak, and he just wanted to relax and close his eyes for one moment.

"And I think I'm not the only one thinking that," Samuel said without looking up. Nathan swallowed. No, he wasn't.

"The squirrels told me. Animals sense a lot more than us humans."

That's it, Nathan thought, there will be the day I'm leaving this shithole full of freaks and creepy pedophiles. Alone, or with Mark.

"Look at these squirrels," Samuel said as he threw some nuts to them, "they like Samuel because they communicate on the same spiritual level. What animal are you communicating with, Nathan?"

What the fuck. Come on, there had to be a place where Nathan could be all alone. Just one fucking minute.

"I don't know what the fuck you talking 'bout, but you fucking creep me out," Nathan said and the moment he wanted to stand up, he saw Zach kicking a football which landed directly on Kate Marsh's face. She cried out. Nathan giggled. Zach just hadn't any fucks left to give, that's why he loved him.

"I think your spirit animal is the whale," Samuel said, "you're craving for the sea. I can see it in your eyes. They're aquamarine and starry, just like a wave on the ocean."

"I don't give a shit about whales or the sea or fucking spirit animals. That's hella bullshit, nothing more," Nathan snarled.

"That's what your mouth tells me. But your eyes say something different. I've seen your posters about the global warming, and the ones about the polar bears and the whales. You have a good heart. You've just abandoned it."

Who did this creep think he is? Why did everybody have to fucking analyze him? And why … were they always right? He loved whales. He loved these fat, giant fishes, he thought they were fucking majestic and yes, he fucking loved Moby Dick, too. Was he that easy to see through? That … transparent?

In a fit of anger, he stood up. All of these fucking idiots. Nobody knows me or what I like or what I think. You all think you're so clever, walking around with these cheap cameras or this Insta shit, thinking you're the next Diane fucking Arbus. But your shitty lenses cannot capture me. Capture what I really want, and what I suffer from every fucking day. None of you can what I –

"Ugh," he groaned after he suddenly collided with Kate, who already insisted on apologizing, seized with panic.

"Don't even try to hit on me, hoe," he growled, and Kate's nose turned red as she started to cry again. God, this girl really got on his nerves.

"You'll be sorry for that one day," she whimpered. – "You keep saying that, but I'm still waiting for that day. Show me ya naughty side, biatch," he laughed. Then he saw her hastily typing a number, bitch probably wanted to beg Jesus for forgiveness. Nathan wasn't the one having to apologize. His fucking life needed to apologize to him.

Suddenly, he needed to retch again. Fucking shit, when did this stop? … No, this time was different, he really was about to puke! Nathan felt the cold sweat on his back, then his stomach lightning a fire in his abdomen. Shit! He gasped, holding his mouth, then he ran. He didn't care about the students looking at him like he had gone fucking insane, and he didn't care about the fact that he didn't care about anything anymore. The only thing that kept him from vomiting on the school's hallway was the result of him being – officially – a psycho. Nathan retched again, feeling his eyes water. He held his breath. Everybody was looking at him. He saw the sign of the bathroom, and Nathan gave a sigh of relief.

He kicked in the door, then he raced to the toilet, falling on his knees and puking his guts out. His head was spinning, and his body was cold and trembling. He wiped away his tears, then he used his sleeve to clean his shaking lips from saliva.

"Oh god, oh shhh- shit, shit, shit," Nathan whimpered, retching again.

"Nathan? You okay, bro?" a familiar voice asked carefully. Hayden, fucking hell. No way Nathan would ever talk to this jerk again.

"Fuck off!" Nathan yelled before he needed to puke again. He cried again while clasping the toilet seat, trying to suppress the flashbacks of this very night.

"She's dead, Nathan. Get away from her!" Mark said firmly, dragging Nathan apart who was holding Rachel's dead body tight, leaning over her, screaming at her.

"No! Don't do this to me! Rachel! RACHEL! I, I didn't want to …!" Nathan whimpered, gasping, trying to hold back his tears and his nausea. There had been this one bittersweet voice whispering into Nathan's ear, demanding to take a photo, to frame this girl for eternity, to make the most innocent, pure and morbid photo. But this voice had died after Nathan had realized what he had done.

"Nathan, get out! You're just making it worse. Get some fresh air and calm the fuck down, we need to stay focused. Get out and take a deep breath," Mark said insistently.

"No! I killed a girl, I killed Rachel! I killed her, I, ugh, I … I killed her!"

Nathan stood up and looked into the mirror, seeing a shell of someone he had used to be. His face was pale and empty, his eyes red and swollen like Kate Marsh's. What if he was dead and nobody had told him?

"I killed her," Nathan mouthed, looking into the eyes of a murderer, "her death is my fault. I killed her. … I killed Rachel for a photo."

Suddenly, his fist was faster than his mind, and he took a swing and punched the boy in the mirror. Shards were clinking, dark blood was floating out of a crooked hand, and the boy in the mirror was gone. Nathan dazedly looked at the shattered mirror, red sprinkles were covering it. Then his gaze went to his hand. It was throbbing and covered in blood. Then, the pain arrived at his hand, and Nathan pressed his lips together, trying not to scream.

"FUCK!" he cried, removing a tiny shard. His head was spinning and he needed to grab the washbasin in order not to fall over. Then he let water pour all over his hand. The wound wasn't big, but shit, it hurt. Then Nathan looked up, again, and a tear ran down his pale cheeks.

He looked into what had been left of the mirror, seeing a twisted, distorted figure in the mirror. Who was that? Was that really him? This couldn't be. … Nathan didn't know this boy. What had happened to the boy who liked to draw whales and read adventure novels under his blanket? When had he decided to make the shittiest out of his life …?

"Yo, some crazy shit is going down at the girl's dorm!"

Nathan rubbed his eyes, sighing. No way he was coming. He needed some rest right now. Why couldn't he have one fucking quiet minute? Why was everybody freaking out over some shi–

"Kate Marsh's gone fucking insane! Check it, everybody!"

Silence.

"No …" Nathan's breath got stuck in the bottom of his throat as he stared at his swollen, bursted knuckles, feeling his blood run cold.

"No …" he mouthed. His knees started to get numb. Then he heard people scream. He tried to run, but he failed and smashed on the ground as he struggled to get up. This can't be happening, Nathan thought while making his way through the girls' dorm, staggering. Numb. Vic ran toward him, wanting to talk to him, but Nathan didn't hear a sound. He wouldn't make it to the dorm.

Then he saw her. She was standing on the roof, her feet close to the edge.

"Ohmygod, what a fucking attention whore, right? I've been filming for ages and she hasn't done shit. Bitch enjoys it too much, let me tell ya," Vic snarled. But Nathan could neither respond nor look at her. He tried, but his lips felt so heavy. His whole body was … numb. He tried to run away, but his legs refused.

She doesn't act. She's going to jump.

Nathan couldn't move. Everybody stared at her, and it felt like time would stand still. Someone was standing in front of her, talking to her. Was that … was that Max? Nathan gasped. How did she get on the roof …?

"She's so not gonna do that," Vic said, trying to sound firmly. But she failed. "Too much of a pussy. She just wants to lecture us. She won't jump. She, she wont …" she stuttered, then she lowered her phone in fear.

Rachel.

Suddenly, Kate took another step back, and Nathan held his breath. His knees got weak. "No …" he whispered, staring at the girl of porcelain.

I've made a mistake, and if somebody deserves death, then it's me.

"Shit Nathan, your hand's bleeding," Vic said, but Nathan didn't answer. The blood drops were staining the grass they were standing on, falling on the daisies.

Kate was yelling, stepping back from Max. Her movements were empty and rigid. He had never thought that …! If he had known that Kate had been serious, then …! This, this couldn't be!

Not another girl dying because of him! When did that stop?! He hadn't wanted to hurt her, he had just wanted to please Mark!

I didn't want to do this.

Samuel had been right. Kate had been right. Why had never listened?! Why had he chosen to be an ignorant shit? To not give a single fuck about people's lives? Just because his life was so miserable, it didn't mean theirs was as well.

I didn't want to do this!

Kate turned around, and Max started to run.

Don't do this to me !

A raindrop fell on Nathan's forehead, running in his eye. He mechanically rubbed it out, then Kate's body smashed on the ground. A crack sounded, and blood poured out of her head. Eyes of glass were looking at him. Judging him. One second, nobody said anything.

Then the students cried out, and girls collapsed over her dead body, screaming her name, but Nathan couldn't move, couldn't do anything but stare into her blank eyes. … Rachel's eyes.

Nathan looked down at him, noticing the red splashes on his shirt.

– Then, Nathan woke up.

"NO!" he screamed, shoving everybody away who had surrounded Kate, as he fell on his knees, sobbing.

"NO, NO! Why did you do that!? WHY? I didn't …! I didn't want to …! Rachel! RACHEL!" Nathan screamed and grabbed Kate's shoulders, shaking her lifeless body. The red paint filled the crack's on the cobble.

"Rachel! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Wake up! Please wake up, no, no …!" People tried to get him away from Kate's body, but Nathan held it tightly, pressing her slack torso against his, burying his face into her nape as he shoved his fingers though her hair.

"Why did you do that to me?! Rachel! Rachel! I told you, I'm SORRY!"

"Nathan!" a familiar voice yelled. Then Nathan's body got pulled up.

"No, don't! I need to tell her I'm sorry!" Nathan whimpered, desperately trying to escape Mark's grip, who was dragging him away from Kate to a safe space.

"I killed her, Mark, I killed Rachel," Nathan whimpered as hot tears were running down his cheeks.

"Shut your mouth," Mark yelled, then he glared at him, "do you have a fucking clue how many people can hear you? You need to calm down, right now!"

"You don't understand, I killed her, I–" Nathan gasped as he held his breath, then he stared at Mark who had just slapped him in the face. His cheek started to burn, and he mechanically covered it with his hand.

"Jesus, Nathan, why can't I let you alone for one minute without you fucking everything up," Mark said, looking at his wounded hand, "Kate's death is not your fault. Look at me."

He cupped Nathan's face, then their eyes met. His hands were soft and warm, and Nathan slowly stopped crying. Mark smiled tenderly, then Nathan's breathing turned regular. He inhaled deeply, and Mark opened his arms and embraced Nathan. He closed his eyes, trying to suppress the memories of Rachel's and now Kate's dead face. Smelling Mark's perfume made him feel so much better. He could feel his heart beat.

"See, everything's fine. I'm there," Mark said softly as he stroke Nathan's hair, and his smooth, dark voice made Nathan, weary and burdened, rest for a second.