Frozen Hearts

By- An Unknown Foreign Beauty

Chapter 4- Stages of guilt

Doctors said Anna got a large blood clot inside her brain, and she was taken to surgery immediately. Elsa curled in a ball in a chair beside her parents in the hospital lobby. Mrs. Kingsley was crying hysterically, while Mr. Kingsley remained as silent as usual with his one arm draped over his wife's shoulder. Elsa remembered that look in her father's face- the same tearless, expressionless look which she had seen in the night of her mama's death.

She couldn't remember that night much, she was only five years old. But she remembered the expressionless look in her papa's face. He didn't cry when they allowed them to see the body. He only took little Elsa in his arms and held her tight. He didn't tell her anything. But she soon realized that her mama was never going to wake up again.

A strange wave of nausea hit the pit of her stomach. Slowly she stood up from her chair beside her, moved near the glass window, and stared at the pouring rain outside. It was almost two in the morning, but she couldn't even close her eyes for a moment- what if everything ended up like the night many years ago, when she and her father was sitting in a room like this, waiting for the doctors to come with the news of the death of her mother. What if…what if….

Oh, she couldn't think anymore.

Mrs. Kingsley rushed near the first surgeon who came out of the operation theater. The man was dressed in green scrubs, his face was covered with a green mask, and the way he shook his head to Mrs. Kingsley's query made Elsa to feel sick inside her stomach. Mrs. Kingsley broke into tears again; Elsa knew something was going really wrong behind those closed doors. The sickness kept growing as her eyes followed the surgeon moving near the scrubbing basin, and she noticed the red stains in front of his surgical gown.

Blood. Anna's blood.

Suddenly her knees felt very weak, and Elsa steadied herself leaning against the window. She didn't know whom to blame for everything, she had so many things in her mind. Anna was the best thing that happened in her life. Why did everything good her life never last for long?

Whose fault was it?

May be hers. Or why did her grandparents have to die together just two years after her mama's death?

Elsa certainly remembered the night after the funeral of her grandparents, and her papa smoking through the night breaking his own rules. She remembered the horrible sounds coming from her papa's bedroom. She didn't knock. Eight years old Elsa stayed awake all night long clutching her teddy. Alone.

She was a bad omen. According to the woman her papa first dated bad things always happened in her presence.

She should never let Anna in her cursed life.

But she couldn't resist herself from being close to her new step-sister. After years of isolation and loneliness, she succumbed to Anna's overwhelming affection. At first, she was hesitant to meet her new sister after the marriage of their parents. But the moment that strawberry haired girl with twin braids stepped into her life, Elsa knew her life had turned upside down.

"I'm Anna." The younger girl smiled, stretching her hand forward to meet the older one. Elsa was so hesitant to take her hand. But Anna simply dropped into the empty seat beside her, and grabbed Elsa's hands from her lap. "We're going to be best friends. Aren't we?" Her smile was contagious, "And best friends have to stick together."

Elsa raised her blue eyes to meet hers. Her lower lip was trembling with the cry she was trying to resist. Oh, how much she yearned for a real companionship? "Really?" She whispered, unable to believe her ears. For the first time someone really offered herself to be her friend.

Unwillingly Elsa's gaze rested on her hands tucked in her laps. She could still feel Anna's first friendly squeeze when she told her about the death of her mother and grandparents. Her presence caused all the bad things happening around her. Her relatives believed that, her classmates believed that. And for the last fourteen years she believed that. But Anna never did.

"Don't believe them Elsa." Anna hugged her soothingly, "They are superstitious. You are wonderful."

Tears rolled down from her big blue eyes, she didn't even try to wipe them away. She didn't know what she would do if something bad happened to Anna. Anna was her only sister, only friend in the world. Elsa closed her eyes; memories of their time together began to flash in her mind like a film.

Those times….those wonderful times they spent together….

A smile crossed Elsa's lips when she remembered their first social outing together where both of them appeared in sweatshirts and pants instead of fancy party dresses. It was Anna's idea of course. Elsa was very worried about the reaction of the guests, but it was Anna's who taught her how to ignore them. Anna taught her how to overlook the critic eyes of people, and to eat ice-cream hiding under a table.

Whenever Anna came home crying with her poor grades, Elsa was always there to defend her from their parent's disappointed glares. It was Anna who arranged small party in the rooftop when Elsa was left alone during the lunch time.

Elsa knew how much they meant to each other. How Anna reacted when she saw the ice-miniature of herself in Elsa's fridge, or how Anna taught Elsa how to dance in the night before their first prom.

Those awkward moments strengthened the bond between them.

And those pillow fights…. Mrs. Kingsley's angry glares when both of them appeared from their rooms in the morning with feathers all over their hair….

How many pillows they destroyed in their months together? Elsa lost count. But she could surely count the days she hadn't had to see her therapist.

And in the three months Elsa certainly learned one thing.

Caring.

But caring was never an advantage.

People said that the horse went wild. But Elsa didn't blame the horse. She was young, and completely new to this environment. She was scared of the new rider. Being an expert rider, Elsa must have known that. She should never let Anna ride the horse.

But she was too much carried away with everything.

And now Anna was lying on an operating table, dying.

Now it left only one person she could hate- herself.

Suddenly, a huge clap of thunder scared Elsa half to death, and she jolted up to a sitting position, trying to catch her breath. She glanced over her shoulder to check over her parents, then the door of the operation theater busted open.

"Is there any family for Anna Kingsley?" Three of them were startled by the voice of a nurse. "Yes." Mr. Kingsley stepped forward, and the nurse shook her head towards an elderly doctor. "Dr. Troll wants to have a few words with you." Three of them turned to find an old doctor in green surgical gown; he moved forward to shake Mr. Kingsley's hand.

"Mr. Kingsley, I presume."

"Yes, I'm Anna's father." He shook back the old doctor's hand. Elsa moved closer to her mother, who clutched Elsa's shoulder to steady herself. Elsa couldn't understand half of the words the doctor was telling to her father, but one thing she could understand that her sister was still alive.

"It was a close call." Dr. Troll said to the anxious father, "She got a huge clot inside her brain. She was so lucky that she survived."

Elsa took a deep breath. So, Anna was alive. Oh, my God. She couldn't forgive herself if she died.

Elsa walked near her father, and took his hand. "Can we see her? She couldn't but interrupt the conversation; her voice was still thick from the cry she was holding back. Mr. Kingsley saw the anxious look in his elder daughter's eyes and asked. "Yes, can we visit her now?"

"Yes" The good doctor took a glance of the elder Kingsley girl, anxiously waiting for his next opinion, "She is in the recovery room."

Dr. Troll began to lead the small group of people to the room where Anna was held. "What are her chances?" Mr. Kingsley asked on their way to the recovery room.

Dr. Troll heaved his chest and expounded his honest thoughts. "She is awake, but her mind is still in pretty much fragile condition."

"My girl!" Mrs. Kingsley let out a sob, and Mr. Kingsley held his wife's shoulder to support her.

At last they reached the room where Anna was held. Standing in the door way, Elsa could see her little sister, lying pale in the hospital bed, and was connected to so many machines that she looked overwhelmed, and tinier than usual.

"Can we go inside?" Mr. Kingsley asked.

"Yes, of course." Dr. Troll shook his head, giving a careful glance to his patient, "Just be careful. Anything that reminds her of the accident can deteriorate her condition."

Mr. Kingsley thanked the doctor for his efforts, and the good doctor went on his way.

Three of them stood at the doorway, at loss for word. Elsa was gripping at the doorframe, trying to process the news. Mr. and Mrs. Kingsley were thinking of making it easier for their girl. Mrs. Kingsley broke the silence.

"You can see her later, Elsa, when she gets well." Her voice was affectionate and soothing.

Elsa knew that. "I understand, mama." She smiled, tilting her face to look into Mrs. Kingsley's eyes. "You two go inside. I'll wait here."

"Thanks, Elsa." Mrs. Kingsley patted Elsa's hand, before turning to the door, "It's just only a matter of a few days."

"I know, mama." Elsa assured her.

"But…" the strange calmness in Elsa's voice didn't escape Mr. Kingsley's ears. As Mrs. Kingsley walked inside Anna's cabin, Mr. Kingsley stopped near his elder daughter, cupped her chin, and tilted her face, so that he could look into her icy blue eyes, "Will you be alright, dear?"

Elsa could certainly read the fatherly concern in Mr. Kingsley's voice. She gently touched his fingers which were touching her chin, and smiled, "Anna needs you, papa."

A sigh escaped from Mr. Kingsley's throat. He certainly knew the depth of maturity of his older daughter in the situation like this. He knew how much stubborn she could be. But he also knew she would never be alright.

As both of her parents disappeared inside Anna's cabin, Elsa stood at the doorway for a long time. With all the bandages and machines, Anna looked so tiny and buried from the glass that separated Elsa from her. But she knew she was alive and that was enough for now.

A strange lump was beginning to form inside her throat; she didn't attempt to swallow it. Guilt overwhelmed her, and she wrapped her arms around her to steady her trembling body. What had she done? She couldn't protect Anna. Instead, she let her fall.

She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. Old fear was returning again. Old thoughts were flooding her mind.

Everyone was right about her. She was a bad omen. Her presence would take everything good from Anna's life. Now she couldn't stand here and endanger Anna's life with her presence anymore.

Two drops of tears rolled down from her blue eyes.

Through the glass which separated her from Anna, Elsa took a glance of Anna's face, and ran.

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