"Tim, you are a funny one," James laughed, affectionately ruffling my hair before pulling me closer to him. Everything he did however was with hesitancy. He was simply waiting for me to push him away from me, to run away screaming. He believed me to be fragile.
Slowly he leaned in to kiss me, his lips lightly brushing over mine. I closed my eyes but felt him pull back in order to look at me, to gauge my reaction before going further. I didn't decline and so he moved in again, this time more forceful. His lips parted mine and I felt the wet heat as his slid across my bottom lip when he pulled it into his mouth. I didn't understand how it was intended to be pleasurable but he gave a soft moan, resting his hand on my cheek before kissing me deeper than before.
His other hand came up to rest on my inner thigh and I felt a jolt go through me but I ignored it. As James pulled away I gave a soft sigh and enjoyed the smile on his face. He was quite handsome in a way and I would much prefer his advances than some of the other boys. At least when James was around the others let me be for a while.
It gave me a sense of worth when they wanted me. I knew they only wanted me for the sake of sexual gratification but they would whisper kind things to me, stroke my hair and give me affection. I was willing to take love in whatever form it was offered to me, the feeling of being hugged was so lovely that I wasn't about to give it up.
I knew that it was my feminine features and quiet demeanor that made me so desirable. At least this way when they had my mouth wrapped around them they could pretend to themselves that they were pretending it was a girl. They believed they could manipulate me into wanting it and into not telling anyone when I was never going to anyway.
James took care of me, ensuring that I was rewarded for my efforts and so I felt the least I could do was give him some kind of happiness in this lonely place. I wore his scarf around the school and he would gaze at me in admiration when he saw me.
At first I had hated it all. Everything hurt and I felt so trapped but after a while, it wasn't so bad. James had tried to relax me to make it easier and I dreaded to think what it would have been like with one of the other boys the first time. I knew James felt something for me, it was more than sexual. Most nights he would sneak into my dorm and cuddle me underneath the bedclothes, sneaking away in the morning. Leythe was a lonely place and I couldn't hate him for wanting some form of comfort there.
Ivo didn't understand. He thought they were all perverse and demonic for having wanted me at all. He had demanded to know why I hadn't told anyone what they were doing which made no sense to me. I had wanted them to, it had been useful to me. They helped me with my homework and kept the bullies away from me.
I would never be able to make him understand. I wish none of it had ever happened but no matter what I can't change that it did. I resented that Ivo couldn't just let me reason it in my own mind when it was the only way I had of dealing with it. I needed to feel like I had wanted it so as not to feel as powerless and trapped. It was the only way of keeping the nightmares at bay and the only way I could stay with Ivo.