I lay back into the sofa and held the cigarette to my lips again, my hands shaky and the back of my throat raw from sobbing. Each time I heard a creak on the stairs I thought it might be Ivo coming home and I would jump up to run to the door, but it wasn't.
I wondered if I should call someone but I couldn't think of anyone to call, no one would care. I hadn't seen any of my friends in months. Who do you call when the only person you can call is the one who left?
I considered going to the hotel and begging him to come back with me. I started planning what I would say. Perhaps I should apologise for being so vacant when we had sex, he was probably also frustrated at having to support us both financially. I knew he was mostly angry at what Martin had said but I was at a loss as to how to fix that. He would have to take me back, he couldn't not. What would I do with myself without him?
Everything seemed so dull without him around. When he had disappeared for a week to some conference about the University I felt lost and adrift. Everything around me seemed so disorganised. I hadn't realised that Ivo was the one who cleans up the mess I usually make and so I spent most of the day before he came back hurriedly throwing things back into place. I had been sexually frustrated for the entire week, my body having been trained and craving the usual sexual activity.
Thinking back now I realise that he had stocked the fridge and ensured that all outgoing payments were covered as well as leaving extra money for emergencies. He left notes on how to work the washing machine and a reminder to go the eye test that he had booked for me. Without Ivo in my life I would be hopeless and helpless. He cared about me and for me and I need him.
I had tried calling him but his phone was turned off. It was half two in the morning and I considered that he would be sleeping but it seemed unlikely. Maybe he would come to his senses in the morning and everything would be sorted. We would laugh and cry about it and then carry on as we had before after some really intense relationship discussions from Ivo.
I hope.