I spent the evening in my room, waiting in case Roland intended to speak with me, rather than running to find Cedric to tell him the latest development. Being found in the laboratory at night could have been difficult to explain, and Roland may have forbid me to continue working with Cedric. He would probably put a stop to my work anyway, if he was serious about marriage.
The nausea and worry kept me from sleeping very much. When sleep came, the dreams were full of Roland, not Cedric, and harsh words and death. I screamed once, sitting straight up, sweating profusely while my heart pounded and I clutched my sheets. There had been too much death in this castle. Both Roland's wives, James. A sense of foreboding fell upon me, but I could not tell what it meant.
Ready earlier than usual, I was in the laboratory before Cedric appeared from his room. We both glanced at each other cautiously.
"I see you slept as well as I did," he remarked.
Nodding, I turned to him. "Roland told Amber that we are to be married. That, Roland and I are to be married," I stuttered.
"I know." He saw my confusion. "The servants hear most things in this house."
I could not stop wringing my hands, until I pressed them against my stomach to quell the new wave of nausea.
"Do you want to marry him?"
"What?"
"You would be a duchess. You would not have to worry about a home or money or-"
"Do you want me to marry him?" I stifled a sob, terrified that Cedric would say yes.
"No."
"Then… help me." I sounded so pathetic. Cedric did not say anything, and neither did I. We stood there looking at each other, and even with him close I felt so alone. Shaking my head, I turned to go. "Never mind. I will-"
"Sofia," Cedric was at my side. "Ask Roland for Johnna to visit. When she is here, you'll leave. Johnna and I have it planned." He took my hands in his.
"But what if Roland wants to marry before Johnna can come? He didn't even ask me, he just stated it like… like he was going to go for a ride."
"He will hold off on the marriage if you make it clear that you must have Johnna in attendance."
I nodded. "But I want to leave now. Today."
"It will be safer when you can have an escort. Ask for Johnna to visit. Let me know when she will, and I will arrange your travels immediately."
"And until then? Must I act like I approve of this?"
"Unfortunately, I think that is the safest. If he knew of my feelings for you, I would be unemployed and you might be married before the sun sets."
I shivered and Cedric pulled me into his arms. "If I leave now, I won't be missed until later today."
"But how far will you get?"
I squeezed my eyes shut as my head lay on his chest. Cedric had no faith in my ability to survive, but did I?
"Besides," Cedric went on, "you would not be able to find a position anywhere near here. No one would hire anyone that the duke is searching for. And he has friends in many places." Cedric's hand rubbed up and down my back. His voice became rougher. "I should get to work." He let go only a little. "You can help if you want."
I nodded and pulled back, wiping a stray tear that had escaped.
Cedric asked me to unload the trunk. Opening it, I was surprised. Across the top lay Cedric's dress fancy clothing, but underneath was books of all shapes and sizes, a few scrolls, and writing utensils. "And here I thought you packed like Amber," I mused. He heard me and laughed.
The trunk was just emptied and I was wiping my hands on an apron when there was a knock at the door. Cedric called for the person to enter, and a servant came in to let me know Roland had requested I meet him in his study.
Bidding Cedric goodbye, I trepiditiously made my way to the study. Baileywick was not there as usual so I let myself in after knocking. Roland sat behind his desk, his eyes scanning a document. Finally, he looked up and addressed me.
"Where were you, Sofia?"
"I was helping Cedric in the laboratory."
"Hmm." He glanced at the document again and set it down. "You needn't do that anymore."
"It's not a bother-"
"You will not continue. You have no need of employment." He stood and came over to me. "Do you have a riding habit?"
"No."
"Borrow one of Amber's and meet me at the stable in an hour. It is time to start your riding lessons."
"Will you be teaching me?"
Roland laughed. "No, but I want to make sure Kurt finds you a suitable horse for learning. I can't have my future wife in any danger." He turned us toward the door.
"May I invite Johnna for a visit?"
"Of course. It will be good for you to see her. Write to her and ask her to come at her leisure."
"Thank you, your- uh, Roland." Before he opened the door, he brushed my lips with his. "I'll meet you in an hour."
The first lesson was more about taking care of the horse than actual riding. A mare named Lissa was chosen for me. Her coloring was beautiful, sometimes grey, sometimes sable, with a braided mane and tail. Roland left me in Kurt's care, and he instructed me on brushing Lissa and feeding her and such. I had no idea that so much work went into riding, though I was sure that the stablemen would do most of the hard work.
After, I returned to the castle to wash for lunch. Baileywick found me and asked me to take the meal with Roland in his study, so I went. I thought Amber might join us but after a few minutes, I realized it would be Roland and me alone.
"You will not have to help Amber with the balls for the rest of the season, but you and I will be attending a few of them. I won't have you going to any without me."
"Is it because-"
"It is because I don't care for you to be alone," he said rather brusquely. We were quiet a moment.
"Michael has grown. Have you been to see him?" I hoped Roland had stopped in to see his son.
"No. There's no reason for me to see him now. He's healthy?" On this subject it seemed Roland cared.
"Yes, I think so. He's trying to talk, and he can sit up on his own now and scoots around on his hands and his knees."
Roland smiled and I realized I was smiling. "You will make a good mother."
"I can't be his mother." My smile disappeared.
"But you will be a good mother to our children, and a good stand-in for Michael." Roland stood, walked over to my chair and pulled me up out of it. His lips met my forehead, then his cheek slid along mine. "I can't wait to marry you, Sofia." I felt his hands on my waist, moving upward.
"Roland," I pushed away.
"I need you." His lips were on mine, almost devouring me. One arm snaked around my back while his other hand found my breast.
"Roland," I said more earnestly, though not entirely hating the physical feelings he was invoking.
"Say it, Sofia."
"I need time, Roland."
He paused but continued. "That's not what you were supposed to say," he whispered as his lips nipped at my earlobe.
"What was I to say?" my breath caught.
"That you want me too." A moan escaped me as he began to suck on my neck just below the ear.
He pushed me so my behind was against the edge of the desk. I felt my skirt being lifted and that brought me to my senses. "No." I pushed against him, hard. "No, Roland, I need… I need time."
He scowled down at me. "Time for what?"
"Time to…" I could not think fast enough, "time to get used to this idea and I mean, you… I am still young. Don't I even get a say?"
Roland laughed and took my face in his hands before kissing me again. I thought I would have to stall him again but he stepped away. "I apologize, Sofia. You are so mature and level-headed; I forget that you are young. And it's true, I'm used to getting my way without having to woo a lady. You deserve to be courted." He kissed me again. "But I will not court you long, my dear. And the way you kiss me, I don't think I will need to." Our lips met again, gently. "Shall we finish our meal?"
"I don't think I can eat." I was still trying to catch my breath.
His grin was devilish until we were interrupted by a knock on the door. "Enter."
I flushed. He still had me pinned against the desk, in a vulnerable and compromising position. Baileywick opened the door and strode in with envelopes in hand. If he had any opinion on what he saw, his face showed nothing, but when Roland moved to take the post and I was free, I saw the glare Baileywick sent me. Smoothing my skirt, I moved to leave.
"I did not excuse you, Sofia." Roland had not even looked up, but was on the other side of the desk, breaking wax seals.
I stood in place, and tried to look anywhere but at the two men in the room.
"Lord Ian will be here tomorrow." Roland dropped that note on the desk and lifted another, which took longer to read. "Send a note back to Blackthorn. Tell him I agree." He dropped that letter also, and looked up. "Sofia will be sending a letter to Lady Johnna, inviting her to stay at her leisure."
"She may give the letter to me when it is ready and I will post it, your Grace."
"Thank you, Baileywick."
"Shall I send for the servants to clear the dishes?"
"Yes. Also, step in here for a moment." Roland led Baileywick into the adjoining room. I heard their voices and took the time alone to look around the room I had rarely been in. There were portraits and landscapes on the walls, as well as a large mirror. My fingers trailed across the edge of the desk, as I walked around, and then my eyes landed on the second letter Roland had been reading.
The script was not as fine as Johnna's but small and tight. It is time we moved. The discontent will not increase further. Others are waiting upon our decision. The door opened and Roland and Baileywick reappeared. I studied the portrait behind Roland's desk. "Keep me apprised," Roland said, and Baileywick bowed before showing himself out the door.
"Is this your father?" I asked, not truly caring.
"Yes." His arms encircled me from behind. I knew I should ask something about the portrait, but I was wondering what the lines I read from the letter meant. Roland rested his chin upon my head. "I suppose I should let you go so you can invite Johnna to come see us."
"Yes." I wanted to close my eyes and pretend it was Cedric's arms around me, but Roland felt different, and smelled different.
Roland released me, walked me to the door and reminded me to be at supper that night. I nodded and quickly went to my room. The first thing I did was wash my face; I was still flushed, and then I sat for a few moments, fighting the rising guilt because Roland's kisses and caresses felt good, better than they should have, but the man I loved was elsewhere in the castle. How could he ever forgive me? I hated myself.