My life was quickly turning into a mess. But I carried on with my miserable existence, hopeful that I would be able to leave my room one day. I remembered what Mama had said to me in the library, before my days of confinement. A few weeks. That's what she had told me. I would be staying in my room for a few weeks. But as the days slipped between my fingers, I wasn't get any closer to learning how to control my powers. The days turned to weeks, and my hope began to wane. The weeks turned to months, and the months turned to years. I felt like one of those fairytale princesses in those storybooks Mama would read to me at night. Trapped in tall towers, forced to lead lives of solitude. I felt like I could relate to them. But at least they met with happy endings, being whisked away to freedom by handsome princes. I, on the other hand, saw no happy ending in sight. By the time I was twelve years old, I had already resigned myself to living the rest of my life in my room.
Even when I was a young child, I had always known that magic was a sensitive subject. Long before Anna was even born, Papa had asked me to keep my powers hidden from the public eye. The only people who were allowed to know of my abilities were my family and a select few servants. The reason for this secrecy could be traced back hundreds of years. People who were accused of having magic within them were often condemned by the masses, who thought of these so-called "witches" as unholy demons. Even today, some people still hold this mindset towards those who practice magic. For some reason, these magicians were always thought to have bad intentions, when in fact they were likely just frightened and misunderstood, having no one to turn to. The common people did everything in their power to rid the world of all those who practiced magic. More often than not, these "sorcerers" were promptly put to death and left unburied. This would explain why it is so hard to come across real magic these days; either the common people have succeeded in killing off all wielders of magic, or those who still practiced magic are too scared to come out. But no one would have suspected that someone in Arendelle's royal family - indeed, the heiress to the throne - was herself a so-called "magician," born with the ability to create ice and snow. Mama and Papa managed to keep my magic powers hidden from the public, political, and religious eye. They knew that if just one person caught wind of my secret, the news would spread like wildfire. And before they knew it, they would have lost their eldest daughter to an angry mob. That was why I was known to most as the ordinary-sounding "princess of Arendelle," and not "Elsa the Snow Queen" or something like that. And that was also why Papa decided to take his protectiveness of me one step further by keeping me in my room.
As the days slowly passed, my parents continued visiting me. They never gave up on me, even though I had already given up on myself more times than I cared to count. They constantly assured me that I would eventually be able to conceal my magic and live a normal life once more. I wished that I could share their optimism. But as the years came and went, I could see their hope slowly fade. Although they tried to be as encouraging as possible, I could see in their eyes that I was gradually becoming a lost cause. But despite the hardships, they refused to give up on me, and for that I was grateful. However, I still felt guilty that they had to sacrifice so much - their time, energy, and yes, even their staff - to help me. I was becoming a very problematic burden for my poor parents, who still had to spend their time and energy towards ruling the kingdom.
My personal tutor, who had been educating me for most of my childhood, was now gone. She was one of the many workers that Papa had fired in order to keep my secret safe. Instead, Mama became my teacher. She taught me the usual school subjects for a girl my age, such as reading and mathematics. But apart from all that, she also instructed me in a very important duty - ruling Arendelle. I had always known that I would be the queen someday. I may have had dangerous powers, and I may have been holed up in my room like a prisoner, but I was still my parents' eldest child. And as such, I was also the rightful heiress to Arendelle's throne. Mama taught me everything there was to know about being a queen, from political discussion to proper etiquette. Although she taught me well, I nonetheless dreaded my coronation day. Nothing made me more nervous than all the attention I would be receiving as queen. What if someone were to discover my powers? What would happen then?
I remember coming to Mama with my concerns. I was just a ten-year old girl, sitting at my desk with a quill in hand. I was faithfully carrying out my studies as Mama sat on my bed nearby, watching over me.
"Hey Mama?" I said as soon as I finished writing. I set the quill down and stared at the paper, waiting for the ink to dry.
She turned to me, having been snapped out of her pensive mood. "Yes, Elsa?"
"I'm going to be the queen one day, right?"
"That's right. Why do you ask?"
I paused to face her. "What if I haven't learned how to control...well, you know...?"
Mama cocked her head ever so slightly. "What do you mean, Elsa?"
"My magic. What if I can't control it yet?"
"Elsa, please sit up straight. You're slouching, see?"
I straightened my back. "I mean, I don't know if I'll be able to keep my secret...well, a secret."
Mama smiled at me encouragingly, her compassion shining as usual through her pale blue eyes. "Of course you will, Elsa. By the time you become Arendelle's queen, you will have full control of your ability. I promise."
"And what if I don't?"
Mama paused and looked past me, putting a slender finger on her chin and sighing. "Well, Elsa," she replied, "the way I see it, there are two different ways this could turn out. And it all depends what you decide to do, and which kind of person you choose to become. On one hand, you could choose to endanger the kingdom by revealing your powers. I'm sorry, Elsa, but no matter how easy it may seem, nothing good will come out of it." She looked past the wall, at a future that she never hoped would happen. Then she turned back to me. "Or, you could be the good girl that you always have been, and keep the kingdom safe by hiding your powers from everyone." She took my gloved hands in hers, a note of urgency in her kind eyes. "Please, Elsa. Be a good girl. You must always be the good girl. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Mama. I understand."
Meanwhile, Papa would visit me in the afternoons, or in the evenings if he was too busy with work. He would teach me how to control my ability - a task that was just as difficult for him to teach as it was for me to learn. Papa was a king, not a magician. When it came to my powers, he was just as in the dark as I was. But he tried his best to help me through it all. "Conceal it, don't feel it," he would say to me. Although his strategy was only making things worse, he was only doing what he thought was best for me. And it must have tortured him to see his daughter suffering like this; I could see the pain in his eyes every time I lost control. But he always put on a brave face, and never gave up. That's what I admired about him. No matter how many times he saw his hard work go to waste, he stuck by my side and refused to give up on me, even though I myself had already done so countless times.
On top of all that, Anna kept visiting my room. Every day, she would excitedly run over to my door and knock excitedly, asking me to play. I loved hearing the sound of her voice; it was the only thing that held me together during my miserable time in confinement. Although she always stayed outside my door, her comforting presence was like a constant companion that gave me a shred of hope for the future. Her question always remained the same. "Do you wanna build a snowman?" But every time she asked that, I had to choke back tears. It was the same question she had asked me that fateful autumn night, before I struck her. It was difficult to think of that night, especially when her requests to play constantly reminded me of it. But it was even more difficult to say no to her every time. Nothing wounded me more deeply than being forced to shut out my own sister.
"Of course I want to build a snowman," I nearly said on more than one occasion, "Come on, let's go outside." But no. I simply couldn't play with her. It was for the best, I tried to convince myself. This way, Anna would be safe from me and my powers. But in hindsight, I now realize that in dashing her hopes like that, I was hurting her more deeply than my powers ever could. Every time I said no, I felt like a little part of me died away. Her visits were becoming as much of a curse as they were a blessing. I thought that after being shunned for so long, she would eventually give up on me. But if there was one thing about my little sister, it was that she was incredibly stubborn. No matter how many times I sent her away, she would always come bounding back the next day, full of optimism. She was motivated by the hope that I would one day leave my room and become her best friend once more.
But as the years passed, that hope seemed to drift farther and farther away. The idea of me leaving my room became something of a fantasy to her, an impossible future that she could only experience in her mind. And so, her visits became less frequent. Instead of daily, she started visiting every other day. Then twice a week. Then every other week. It was a gradual process, but the two of us were growing further apart. Our strained relationship showed itself in the way she spoke. The enthusiasm that was in her voice whenever she asked me to play was slowly dying away. It was as if she expected me to say no to her. Poor Anna. She had been abandoned by her only friend, and she had no one else to turn to, as the castle gates were shut. The worst part, though, was that she had no idea why I was being so cold towards her. Whenever she asked, Papa and Mama would brush the question aside or change the subject. The servants, too, were under strict orders to keep my magic a secret from Anna. I could only guess what sort of misguided theories were forming in her young mind. Perhaps she thought I didn't love her, that I somehow didn't want to be with her anymore. As the years passed, and Anna started keeping her distance from me, I wanted nothing more than to run out of my room and hold her in my arms once more, assuring her that what I felt was precisely the opposite.
As for me, I tried my absolute hardest to control my powers. "Conceal it, don't feel it," I would say by myself, repeating Papa's words to me, "don't let it show." But I felt like the more I tried to suppress my powers, the more difficult it became. My ability was linked to my emotions. Whenever I laughed or cried, I would feel the familiar icy feeling build in my heart and spread up my limbs, threatening to release itself. So I figured that in order to suppress my powers, I would have to suppress my emotions as well. I tried to be ice cold, showing nothing, feeling nothing. But it was no use. There was just too much fear and self-doubt. The hope I once held, which told me that I would live a normal life someday, was dying fast. With every passing day, my heart grew heavier, and my powers became stronger and more uncontrollable. Sometimes I would wake up from a terrible nightmare (which started happening more often as the years passed) to find my sheets covered in frost. Or after refusing to play with Anna, I would sometimes freeze the wall or floor unwittingly.
I remember one particular incident when things really got out of hand. I was already twelve years old. I had already been living in my room for four years. I was sitting on my bed, staring at the wall in complete boredom. To keep myself from going crazy, I grabbed the nearest book I could find - which turned out to be an ordinary geometry schoolbook - and started leafing through its pages. It was surprisingly interesting. I found myself engrossed in perimeters and areas when I suddenly heard a knock at the door. Immediately, I knew who was on the other side.
"Elsa?" said Anna. I closed my eyes and smiled to myself, eagerly soaking in the sound of her voice. I hadn't heard it in weeks. "Hey, Elsa. It's me again. Hey, I bet you're wondering what I've been doing for the past few weeks!" I didn't respond. It had already become a routine between us; she would stay at my door and tell me about her life, while I would just sit and listen. After finding herself met with my usual silence, Anna continued speaking. "I think some company is overdue. Wouldn't you agree?" More silence. "But there really isn't anyone to talk to here in the castle. Mama and Papa seem to be a lot less talkative. And the servants can't seem to carry on a conversation without having to 'get back to work.' Can you believe it? But I've found a few friends. They're not the most talkative people, but they're pretty cool. They live in the art room. There's Mona, Adam, and - my personal favorite - Joan. You should meet them sometime! Y'know, when you're not busy doing...whatever it is you do in your room."
I giggled to myself as I realized that Anna's "friends" were just the pictures that hung in the castle's art gallery. But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel immensely sorry for her. Was this how lonely she had become? So desperate for companionship, that she had started talking to the pictures on the wall? At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to go out and wrap my sister in a tight hug. But even that simple act would expose my secret. She would only have to touch my ice-cold skin to know that something was wrong with me. I started sobbing as I realized that I couldn't even embrace my own sister anymore. Although I tried to be as quiet as possible, Anna must have heard me somehow. She tentatively knocked on my door. "Elsa? Are you alright?" I didn't respond. "Did I say something to hurt you? I'm sorry, Elsa. But hey, I think I know what'll make you feel better!" I braced myself - this was always the hardest part. "Do you wanna build a snowman?" I looked out the window; sure enough, it was snowing outside, the perfect weather for building a snowman. But instead of saying no to her, I just sat hunched on my bed, wiping my wet eyes with the back of my hand.
After thirty seconds of silence, I heard Anna sigh as her footsteps receded back down the hallway. After making sure she was out of earshot, I buried my face in my hands and cried. It was just so unfair! It wasn't my fault I had these powers. Why did it have to be me, of all people? I couldn't even control my abilities. Why couldn't someone else have had them? Someone who would have more use for them, perhaps. Like a soldier, or an ice harvester. Not a princess. These powers were only tearing my life apart! I couldn't spend time with my family, I couldn't go outside, I couldn't even hug my sister when she felt lonely. I was just...trapped. Forever consigned to a life of solitude, confined in my room until the day I die. The thought of living my entire life here sent a shiver up my spine.
And then, I screamed. I didn't care who heard me, or what would happen. I just...lashed out. At the world. At myself. At everything and everyone I ever knew. Anger, frustration, and sadness all came out at once. I felt cold and empty all over. And then, silence. Absolute silence. I slowly opened my eyes...and saw a large patch of ice on the wall on the other side of the room. Immediately, my heart jumped. Was that me? Did I do that? After catching my breath, I tentatively got off my bed and approached the wall. I ran my hand on the patch of ice, inspecting it with wide eyes. It formed a distinct pattern on the wall, several spikes jutting out from a single point - much like a snowflake. And it was large, too. Larger than anything else I had previously created. It covered the entire lower half of the wall. Before this, I hadn't known how powerful my abilities had become. I had been suppressing them for years. But as I gazed with horror at the frozen wall in front of me, I suddenly realized that no one around me was safe.
"Elsa!" came Papa's voice from outside. My head whipped towards the door as Papa and Mama burst into the room, panicked expressions on their faces. "Are you alright?" asked Papa, "We heard screaming, and-" He turned towards the frozen wall, and his eyes went wide. Mama put a hand to her mouth and gasped. "Oh my God," Papa slowly muttered under his breath.
"Elsa?" Mama said, "Wh...what happened?"
"I'm scared," I said, brushing the question aside, "it's getting stronger!"
Papa regained his composure, trying to be strong. "Getting upset only makes it worse. Calm down." He knelt down and tried to hug me.
Immediately, I recoiled from him. "No! Don't touch me!" Papa stood back up, his face full of surprise and grief. "I don't want to hurt you," I explained to him. But even then, I could see the sadness in his eyes. Mama, on the brink of tears, put a hand on Papa's shoulder and looked at me mournfully.
"We understand, Elsa," Papa said.
After that day, Mama and Papa never touched me again.