Ch 9

Work became insanely busy over the next few days, and Michaela was frustrated at not being able to visit Sully. She needed to see him, not have a sterile talk on the phone where she could not see his face. She had to be able to gauge for herself his true condition.

Finally there was a late afternoon when she was able to get away and she went out to the farm. When she saw the house she smiled, there was something about the solid wooden structure that made her feel at peace. The turmoil inside did not fit with the surroundings.

Climbing the steps she wondered what she would find. Sully had seemed all right after his episode, now she was worried if he was still handling everything or had he slipped even further back. She knew that there were some who just could not come back from the cliffs edge. These were the ones that took a lot from her emotionally.

Others managed to take steps forward and then slid back some, but each time forward helped with a final good recovery. This was what she wanted so very much for Sully. He was a good man and she had read so many amazing citations of his bravery.

He stuck up for the underdog and his men loved, respected and admired him. She did not want to see him slipping through her fingers. She was buoyed by the fact that he had begun to heal the other day when she was there.

Knocking on the door, admiring the bevelled glass oval in the door, she smiled when she heard Wolf barking. He had been a saviour also. She was grateful that he taken the pup and had bonded with the small animal.

She heard Sully's heavy footsteps come to the door and was amazed at the difference to the first time she had knocked on the same entrance.

He opened the door, and seeing who was standing there he smiled and stepped aside for her to enter.

"Coffee?" he enquired.

"Yes please, thank you," she answered as she entered the room, looking around. The room looked tidier. The blanket was folded and the fire place was cleaned, small changes that pleased her. It showed that he was still in a good place.

He returned from the adjoining kitchen, still smiling, "How do you have it?"

"With some milk or cream please," she returned with the same kind of smile.

Carrying two steaming coffee mugs he placed them on a coffee table between the two chairs. He sat on the aged looking one and she sat on the other. The pup looked at Sully and lay down at his feet. It seemed obvious the pup followed the lead of its master.

"Doctor Quinn..."Sully began, looking at her.

"Please call me Michaela," she responded with a smile. The unit had a policy that they would all be referred to by their name, it was less intimidating for the clients, and not the formal institutionalised way it had been in history. The patients were more at ease and talked readily instead of clamming up.

Tentatively Sully rolled her name around before saying it. He liked the sound of it and was sure there was a story to tell.

"Michaela, what actually happened the other day?" he asked warily. He had had flash-backs of crying like a baby and of lying on the floor with her. Ashamed that he had finally cracked, he wanted to apologise, but with only snippets of memory he was afraid he had done or said something inappropriate. Lying on the floor was his major concern. He especially didn't want her to feel sorry for him. Nobody was to feel sorry for him.

She leaned forward and took one of his hands and waited till he looked from their clasped hands to her face.

"Sully, nothing happened that was not supposed to."

He was not aware he had held his breath as he let out a shuddering sigh, and nodded in understanding.

She waited as the silence invaded the room, both now showing more interest in sipping their coffee.

Finally she invited him to talk, "Sully, please talk to me. You have begun; don't let yourself slip back into that dark space."

Sully just looks at her surprised. CD had used those same words when he had told him of his feelings about Abigail and was showing him Hannah prints.

"Sully, you have to talk. You cannot carry this around with you," his friend had said only nights before he died.

Michaela saw a faraway look and knew instinctively that he was recalling a significant memory.

"I don' know how to do this," he responded in a small voice.

"I know it will be very hard, but I suggest you start at the beginning. What was your childhood like?"

"I was born on a ship somewhere between England and America. My father hated New York as he loved the green rolling hills from home. He got real sick on the wharves and died soon after we arrived. I was still a baby and I don't remember him. Mum had a photo near her bed an' cried a lot."

There was a silence while he composed himself before he continued.

"My brother had an accident on his bike. He was hit by a car. I was there and ran and told our Mum. She ran and sat on the road with him; she wouldn't let anyone touch him. It should have been me. He was the eldest and her favourite."

Michaela looked more intently at Sully, realizing he had felt guilty for living and his brother dying. There was another long pause before Sully even more quietly continued.

"She cried and cried, and stayed in bed. I tried to be a good son and did all that I could, but nothing helped." His eyes began tearing up. "A doctor saw her and wanted to electric shock her, send her to one of *them* hospitals."

Michaela shuddered; she knew by the emphasis on *them* what type of hospital he was talking about.

"Said she had Melancholia." He looked from the floor to Michaela and asked, "What is that?"

"We call it depression these days."

"Oh."

"Sully, let us leave it there for today," she suggested. Sully only nodded. He picked up the pup and instantly there was a lick and a wag of the tail. Sully smiled and responded to the dog with a gentle hug.

Michaela did not want Sully to explain what she already knew, and lead him into another low as she had to leave presently.