Chapter Nineteen – Part One
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto
A/N: Hello folks, so this chapter picks off right where we left last chapter. It's a looooong chapter. I had to split it in two. I've almost finished the next half of this chapter – just editing and tweaking the beginning. The next chapter will be the last chapter and after that will be an epilogue. I apologize for it being so late, but this took a while. As Naruto promised in the last chapter there will be lots of conversation happening.
Hinata walked back inside her bedroom slowly, taking her steps with great care and determination; her mind far as she wondered what to do. When she was Clan Head Regent there were many Hyuuga that praised the fact that no matter the situation she stopped to consider all of the points. She took her time in making a decision. She wasn't luxuriating in idleness, rather she refused to give an answer simply because someone was impatiently staring her down and hanging onto her next words…as Naruto was doing now. She heard him slide her bedroom door shut.
"I guess we could have that talk now." He smiled nervously and though her back was turned, her Kekkei Genkai was still activated and she could see his jittery posture and shaky orange peel smile and simultaneously see Sasuke's steadfast strut back towards the farmhouse, his back rigid and his heart calm. She deactivated her Kekkei Genkai and turned around to look at Naruto. She recognized that she couldn't make a step forward in any direction until she had this talk with him. She nodded stiffly and sat down with her back against the wall, her legs bent to the side, her kimono just raising up enough to show the barest of hint of her feet up to her ankles.
Naruto smiled benignly and tried to look as non-threatening as possible as he sat cross-legged opposite her. In that one moment when she sat like that he remembered vividly the moment after the first time that they'd had sex. He couldn't stay to cuddle and caress and be tender and protective of her like he'd wanted to and knew that she wanted to as well. They'd been in his old, crappy apartment and Kiba was outside pounding on his door telling him that Sasuke said not to duck out and send a clone, that he needed him at the office in person. He was busy trying to pull on his pants when he noticed that Hinata was sitting up in bed stark naked with her nipples and lips all red and with a full body flush that he would soon learn was a sign that she'd orgasmed, and she was kneeling with her legs not quite in the seiza position, and he almost, almost ceded the Hokage position to the next person or animal or plant that asked for it. But then she said,
"You should go. I'll be alright. I'll see you later?"
And because he was scarily in love with her and yet also in love with his need to be a people-pleaser, and because she was scarily in love with him and also a people-pleaser, in the end he left because she allowed him to leave and because he wanted to. All this time during their divorce and his subsequent marriage, that memory came to him, but not like now. Before he'd simply focus on the sex and the regret at not staying and the lost time that could never come back. However, now he recognized a pattern and he sat there quietly for a while wondering if she realized he was having an epiphany.
"Remember that time when we first had sex?"
Hinata's eyes bulged. She couldn't believe that that was going to be his opening line.
"…ummm…" She ended up nodding.
"Remember when you told me that it was okay, that I should go and I left?"
She nodded again, this time with a bit more authority.
"Did you really want me to go?"
"No, not really. I just didn't want you to miss out on an important meeting."
"Annnd because you didn't want to disappoint me, right?"
"…maybe..."
"HA! I knew it! Now see Sasuke tells me that I'm a people-pleaser; that I just want people to like me, which is understandable given the way that I grew up. You're the same way! We just try too hard. I just realized that what you should have said then was 'Don't go, baby' and I should have told Kiba, 'I'll be there in a few. I'll meet you at the Hokage Tower.'"
"But then that wouldn't have been us." She said quietly.
"True."
"I didn't learn from that experience. I should have told you that 'no, I'm not going to grant you a divorce. We're going to sit here and work this stuff out.' And you should have never have asked me for a divorce in the first place. Don't you think?"
"…umm…" She didn't want to commit to an answer, but that didn't seem to bother him. He barrelled on in his unbridled excitement at finally having a chance to talk frankly to her, beaming happily as if he wasn't having a dangerous conversation that a soon to be divorced man should not be having with his ex-wife.
"I love you because you're really smart and kind and you made me feel like a God and like I could give you everything you ever wanted. I've always told you that you blew my mind when you told me how much I impacted you and how much you loved me when you got in front of Pein."
"I remember. I remember waiting and waiting on a reply."
"You shouldn't have waited."
"I would have waited an eternity and more for you." She said very quietly.
"I know."
Though the conversation was proceeding, Hinata's mind was stuck on a verb that Naruto used: love. He didn't say 'I loved you', but instead 'I love you because…' She couldn't seem to move past it and even though her mind flitted to all the memories he was bringing up – their first time (she could remember the, yearning, the awkwardness, the discomfort, the pleasure), their divorce (so much embarrassment during that time that her mind automatically and forcibly moved to something else, anything else), her confession (her intense clarity of the lack of fear she had, her acute love for him) – somewhere in the back of her mind she kept revisiting that he still loved her and simultaneously wondering why that was having such a hold on her attention.
Naruto similarly was stuck on her words 'would have'. She didn't say that she 'will' wait an eternity for him. Does that mean that she'd moved on? But that wasn't at the forefront of his mind. He really, really wanted to know if she was fucking Sasuke, but he couldn't ask her that…except that he apparently could:
"Are you fucking Sasuke?"
She looked as if he'd slapped her. He too was shocked that he'd had the courage to ask her outright. Also, he had never cursed in front of her before and they both weren't sure which was more surprising – the question or the obscenity.
"I mean – No, you know what? I'm not going to lie. That's exactly what I mean."
Hinata stared at him and he stared back at her defiantly, except he still had that beaming and eager look on his face as if he were asking her something innocuous like if she was sure she wanted to add sour cream as a dressing to her grilled octopus ball and not an intensely personal and embarrassing question at all.
She just barely croaked out, "N-no, I'm not."
He seemed to release a tense breath and she too. But that wasn't the hard question since he then asked:
"Do you want to?"
She simply blinked at him for a few times as if her brain shut down with that question.
"…I really don't want to answer that." She practically whispered as she avoided his eyes
"No, I think that you should. It would make things clearer for everyone involved."
Hinata didn't share in that sentiment and annoyance bubbled within her. It was faint and she didn't recognize it as such. Quietly, she mumbled:
"I don't think you can ask me that question when you're married and do whatever you want with Sakura-san." Her mind went specifically to New Year's Eve when she saw Sakura straddling him in bed.
"You're the one that pushed her on me in the first place!"
"I know."
"Do you really?"
"Yes."
"So you're accepting full responsibility?"
"I may have pushed, but you married her, so if anything I'm halfway to blame."
"Fair enough. Why'd you do that?"
"Because I wanted you to mess up."
"Why?"
"Because I had messed up."
"I never blamed you."
"You're right. You tried too hard to please me. We are similar. I loved you because of how you had dreams and aspirations and you weren't afraid to go after it. You didn't hate yourself now because you always seemed to believe that your future self would be better. And you applied this belief to everyone. You believed that everyone could and will be better than they are now. Your heart is so big and I loved that about you. You're not dumb at all. You may not be book smart, but you have a honed empathetic intelligence. Your biggest fault, our biggest fault, is being able to forgive to the point of stupidity. In this regard, we're made for each other. I love people like you. The difference is that while you have forgiveness for anyone who was forsaken, I draw the line at forgiving myself."
Naruto stared at her. The momentum of the conversation was lost because he was stunned by her confession, by her actually saying the things that she'd wanted to say all these years later.
"I just want you to say that I was to blame."
"You weren't."
"I was!"
"No, you weren't."
"Please, please just accept my mistakes like how you've done with all those other people and forgive me and move on."
Naruto didn't know what to say. It wasn't like him. He simply never blamed her and couldn't see himself doing it now. She was sobbing in a breathless way that could be mistaken for her orgasming or having an asthma attack. He moved closer and hugged her to him. It was awkward because of their position. He was in front of her and when he pulled her in, her face was resting on his chest which he was sure was not good for her back. But now that he was here, they were kind of stuck in this position until she finished sobbed.
After a while she pulled up and sniffled and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. He looked at her worriedly.
"I'm okay. I'm okay now, I swear. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize."
She took a deep breath that breathed more of frustration than a need for air. He threw up his arms.
"Hinata, do you really want me to say that you're to blame? Should I really say that you're stupid for leaving your weapons exposed on a kitchen table like that? Should I say that I'm not to blame too because even though I distracted you, you should have had enough sense to know that you left your weapons unsupervised in the same house as precocious two year old? How on earth would that make you feel better?"
She didn't answer him. She was to blame and she knew it. She knew that if she was to tell Sasuke exactly how her son had died he would tell her the honest truth, which was everything that Naruto just said. She might get angry for a while, but she would accept it. Naruto was simply too forgiving. This was strange. This was what she loved about him in the first place and now a tragedy had come and changed that. She hated that he was so forgiving of her. She couldn't explain it. Though, he seemed to get it.
"Is that why you pushed me to Sakura? If I couldn't understand enough to blame you, maybe if I'd fucked up myself then I'd get it?"
Wow! Hinata couldn't believe that he got it and her expression showed it too. She always thought that he never got it.
"Oh yeah, Hina, I get it. I understand you. Remember what I once told you? 'I like people like you.' I get it. I really do."
There was a cynical tone to his voice and a cruelty in his eyes that she remembered seeing only a few times ever. She knew where this was heading and was quick to apologize.
"I'm really, really sorry, Naruto-kun."
"You don't have to apologize."
"No, I do. I shouldn't have put you in such a position."
"Yeah, but I'm the one that actually fucked up. And I have to live with that. And it's not fair to anyone. It's not fair to Sakura, to my boys or to you, but the fact of the matter is – it was a mistake. Trust me. I feel like an absolute ass for admitting too." He revelled in the unspoken permission he now had to curse in front of her.
Hinata felt like someone had stuck their hand into her chest and was squeezing on her heart.
Oh God! They had both messed up so much and the consequences were so far reaching.
"Sakura's told me that I need to work things out with you. It's going to end one way or the other. Did I mention that I'm getting a divorce? We don't even live together anymore. I still make time for my boys, though. Hmph! Twice divorced and I'm only 26. Well huh!" The reality of the shambles of his personal life seemed to collapse onto him.
Hinata put her head in her hands. Oh God! She had messed up Sakura too and she hadn't even considered it all this time. A burst of hysterical laughter escaped. She raked her hands over her face and then through her hair and muttered.
"You keep forgiving me even though I don't want it. I keep forgiving you even though you don't want it. Seems like we're a match, Naruto-kun."
She snickered uncontrollably and then started to cry again, more of the wracking sobs and again he held her. This time he wasn't just hugging her awkwardly and unsure of what to do with his hands and her head. This time he rubbed her back and pulled her onto him, so she was now sitting in his lap. It was comforting sometimes to just cry, they both knew. He pulled back to get a good look at her. Dewy globes of tears clung to her eyelashes.
"Hina-hime baby," He said softly as he wiped her cheeks.
"Naruto-kun…" She pulled back from him. They both knew that that pet name would be the harbinger of complicated situations.
"Hina," He tried to kiss her but she turned her head away and instead his lips grazed her cheek. She pulled back some more until she nearly fell over and ended up scrambling. She was instantly reminded of the night of the thunderstorm.
They were silent for a moment as lots of awkward stifled the room.
"Is it Sasuke? Is that why?"
She nodded.
"Fucking teme!" He muttered under his breath. She almost laughed again. She was feeling like she was going out of her mind.
"You know," He said, "this is part of the reason of why you feel uncomfortable around me, isn't it?"
Was it really? Was it the attraction? Was the attraction still even there? Or was it the guilt? But she had stopped herself from going further. Was it because of Sasuke? Or was it because they couldn't move past the guilt? She had to do some thinking, some serious thinking all on her own. Because being in Naruto's presence now had her in a swirl of emotions. She couldn't catch herself to breathe properly let alone think.
"And my boys too? You're thinking of them too, aren't you?"
She wasn't, actually. She generally tried her best not to think of them and she was for the most part exceptionally good at it. But now she was thinking of them and she couldn't stop. They would be a problem, she thought, and she hated herself for that thought. She wasn't as big-hearted as people always assumed. Could she love his children with somebody else when their own boy had so tragically passed away? She honestly didn't know if she could do it.
Naruto nodded sagely as if he'd been privy to the shameful thoughts that were in her mind regarding his sons, but she supposed that as usual she telegraphed her reflections onto her face and of course with his empathetic intelligence, he knew just what was going on in her mind and heart. He slapped his hands together and stood up, his mood changing at break-neck speed from melancholic regretful to aspirationally hopeful and maybe even slightly delusional.
"Right, so this was a good talk. It didn't quite go the way I wanted it to, like how I was seeing it in my mind, but…" No, in his mind she had said that she was going to forgive him for his mistakes, she'd love his sons like they were her own, she was cool with Sakura being his ex and their chat would end with him fucking her senseless against her bedroom wall, she making enough noise to let the whole party outside hear her including Sasuke-teme who wasn't even in the party anymore, but who would finally get the picture that Hinata was not his. Naruto ended up snorting out a laugh. He looked maniacal and Hinata looked at him curiously. That was a fantasy that was so fantastical it bordered on an acidy, drugged up, jealousy fuelled delusion.
"Hinata, you have to make a decision," Did she? Did she really have to, her resisting mind wondered, "especially since you and Sasuke seem to be…" He trailed off because he didn't know exactly what was going on between her and Sasuke and she seemed unwilling to provide pertinent answers, "…and especially since things between us haven't cooled down one bit."
Hinata briefly squeezed her eyes shut. She wished that he wouldn't have mentioned that last fact. And yes, she admitted that it was a fact. Or was it really? She resisted his advances…There was a time that there was no threat on earth that would make her do that. Was 'it' a memory or was 'it' still there between her and Naruto?
"I'll leave first. Let me know what you decide, okay?" And he smiled his brighter than bright Naruto smile as if he didn't just ask her to make a life-altering decision. He walked out of the bedroom and she felt like an exhausted, disoriented wreck. She collapsed onto the tatami mat floor wishing she could sink through and through it.
Hanabi spotted the pink hair and the firm steps from a distance. She didn't say anything when during the Spring Dances that were currently going on, Sakura Haruno came slightly storming into the main courtyard where the Dances were occurring. Hanabi from her position at the entrance to the moya stood quietly until Sakura spotted her. It was like an animal catching sight of its prey. Hanabi nodded subtly and Sakura slowly made her way to her. As she neared, Hanabi turned and invited Sakura to follow her to the kitchen. Minimal words were used.
The kitchen was busy, but with a look Hanabi managed to get everyone to vacate. Sakura sat in silence as Hanabi made tea for them. She watched the short girl as she boiled the water and transferred it to a delicate teapot. The teapot looked familiar, but she couldn't remember where exactly she'd seen it before. The kitchen soon filled with the aroma of chrysanthemum. Hanabi put two matching tea bowls and the teapot on a tray together with a sprig of the branch that held a few of the buds and two fully opened flowers. Sakura felt a bit more at ease.
"Sakura-san, do have some tea. You seem embittered."
Sakura blushed at the blunt words as tea was poured for her. The cup was unusual, delicate and lovely. It was lacquerware in a flat design that was a lovely taupe brown with speckles of white. The artist had simply drawn a thick white brush stroke on the inside as adornment and used a colourless glaze. It reminded her of an oyster and then of course pearls. How apt, she thought, for a Hyuuga. She took a sip of the tea. The smell of the chrysanthemum was enchanting. She tried to calm herself and gather her thoughts.
"This is a lovely tea set."
"Yes, it is. It belongs to my sister. It was a gift. I shouldn't be using it, but it's so lovely. It's gotten a lot of use lately here, so maybe she won't mind so much."
Sakura slowly put down her cup. She remembered where she had seen this tea set before – in Sasuke's apartment a few days after New Year's.
Is this what it was like to be in a relationship with Sasuke, Sakura thought. Did he give thoughtful, beautiful and expensive gifts? She'd seen Hinata in that stunning kimono the day of the plum blossom festival. It was a Tamaki Jozen kimono, the artist's touch instantly recognizable. She'd remember catching a glimpse of the bill for the garment in Sasuke's apartment. At the time she'd only seen the name Tamaki, but as soon as she saw Hinata on that bridge in that kimono, Sakura was able to put two and two together.
"He bought her that kimono too, didn't he?"
Hanabi needed no explanation. She nodded and drawled out her, "Mmmmhmmmm."
Sakura nodded and looked down at her tea. There were two petals floating in it. Her hands were trembling. She took a deep breath and steadied herself.
"Why did you invite Naruto and not me? Why did you seat him next to Hinata? Where did they disappear to during the middle of dinner? I haven't seen either of them or Sasuke."
Hanabi didn't bother to inquire how Sakura knew all of that.
"I did not want you at the party. I sat Hokage-sama next to Hinata because I thought that he'd be reminded of old times when he used to be at the party when she was Clan Head Regent and they were married. I do not know where they went to during dinner."
Sakura was surprised that Hanabi answered all of her questions. There was condescension in the pale eyes and the slight smile, but no enthusiasm. Sakura had the feeling that Hanabi had orchestrated what she needed to and now was going to sit back and watch as everyone wrecked everything on their own accord, as Sakura was so helpfully doing now.
Sakura rubbed her hands around the tea bowl and felt the warmth of the tea shift into her hands. Quietly, she said,
"I don't know what to do anymore. Everything's a mess."
"I don't think that I am the person that you should be speaking to. I think that you should be speaking to someone that would care and that would tell you what you want to hear."
Sakura looked up sharply at Hanabi. This little girl was so rude!
"Why do you hate me so much?"
Hanabi's eyebrows crumpled in confusion. To her the answer was obvious.
"She was your friend. She was still grieving over the death of her son. And though she asked him for a divorce, it was clear to everyone that she was still in love with him. He only agreed because he'll always give her what she wants and also too because he's an idiot. How could you do that to someone that was your friend?"
"And you don't see it as the same way now? What Hinata is doing is the same thing."
Hanabi smiled slightly, her eyes cruel. Sakura knew enough to realize that she'd open herself for an emotional shot. "And how is that so, Sakura-san? You're a married woman. You've moved on, no?" She asked with a false air of innocent curiosity tainted with sharp sarcasm.
Sakura held her tongue as she struggled to control her temper. She put down the tea bowl even though all she wanted to do was crush it in her hands. Why did she even come here? To suffer disaster and humiliation? What did she think she was going to find answers to?
"You're young, Hanabi-chan."
"It's Hyuuga-sama," she gently and arrogantly corrected. Sakura ignored her.
"The world isn't black or white. It's like a pearl, ever changing in colour. People often view life in terms of simplistic terms: I was right, you were wrong. The reality of course is that nobody thinks of themselves like that. We might see others in simplistic terms, but for our own actions there is always justification, a good reason, isn't there?"
Hanabi snorted.
"The thing is, Sakura-san, that I find it very difficult to feel sorry for you. To me you've always seemed inordinately proud of the fact that you've never stopped loving the Uchiha. It's as if you're trying to tell the world that this is what true love is – never giving up. You're quite proud in letting the world see how much you suffer for him. You're a romantic and you're stuck in the early stages where you romantics think that unrequited love is romantic. I don't find that idea romantic. It's profoundly stupid and pathetic. It would only be a noble and great love if Sasuke had loved you back, but circumstances prevented you from being together. But that's not the case, now is it? What it is really is just pathetic."
Sakura huffed out an indignant laugh.
"I'm explaining to you why carrying a torch for this man makes no sense."
"The only thing you're explaining is how your parents failed in raising a decent human being with a fully functioning heart. You're drinking tea for a fever you don't even have." Sakura responded evenly. "Can't you see that your sister is the same way?!"
"I know." She replied and Sakura was taken aback. "And I find her absolutely pathetic too. As her sister, I support her being with Sasuke, but as Clan Head Regent…" She trailed off, not being someone to divulge or monologue about her plans.
Sakura stood up. She was fed up and frustrated and what Hanabi said had had a visceral effect.
"You're young and stupid, Hanabi-chan. And myopic too."
Hanabi smiled her condescending smile, making Sakura feel just a bit stupid and yet justified that Hanabi was young and idiotic and arrogant and soon she'd realize that things were not as black and white as the Hyuuga crest.
"What the hell are you doing here?!" Ino whispered fiercely to Sakura when she saw her friend standing near one of the cherry blossom trees and quietly, but steadily pressing her fist into it with the intention of seeing how much quiet damage she could cause it.
They were out on the grounds. Dinner was over (it was fantastic! Diet schmiet! And now Ino was going to go home and revel in the memories of dinner and cry herself to sleep over the flaming wreck that was now her diet) and the Spring Dances had just finished and everyone was milling about, talking about the dances, but just generally waiting to get drunk…which Sakura seemed to have gotten an early lead on.
"What am I doing here?" She leaned into Ino's face, giving a good whiff of crazy eyes and alcohol. "Am I not supposed to be here? Huh? Are you scared of big, bad Hanabi? 'Cause I'm not afraid of her. Are you scared Ino? Are you afwaid? Should I be a-scared? I'm shaking with fear!"
No matter Sakura's pretend fear of Hanabi it was nothing compared to the genuine horror Ino harboured that Sakura would make a scene.
Ino gripped Sakura by the arm and tried to lead her over to a more private area. She was thinking of leading her out of the compound itself, but Sakura was hip to Ino's plan and foiled it by halfway slumping down the side of an old birch. Ino looked around clearly hoping that nobody she knew would catch her involvement in this.
"Sakura why are you here? You weren't invited. Were you though?"
"No I wasn't. Where's Sasuke? I didn't see him."
Let it never be said that this girl is unable to focus on a single goal, Ino uncharitably thought.
"He left during dinner."
"Ha! I knew that he wouldn't these kind of stuck up."
"You do know that you've left out some important words to turn what you just said into a sentence, right?"
"Naruto's probably with Hinata, isn't he?"
"I don't know." Ino looked away. Technically, technically that was true. She had no way to be absolutely sure that Naruto was with Hinata at this precise moment…even though that's what she suspected.
"Did I tell you that I'm getting a divorce?"
"You mentioned it."
"I think Sasuke's going for Hinata, but not if Naruto could do anything about it. You know, it's always some competition between those two!"
"There was absolutely no reason for you to shout that!" She whispered sharply and Sakura looked appropriately reproached. She sunk down some more until she was sitting at the base of the tree. Ino sighed. It didn't look like she was going to be able to leave here any time soon. She took out a handkerchief from the sleeves of her kimono and spread it on the ground before she took a seat. The night sky was clear and the stars out in their numbers. The Hyuuga Compound with its serene gardens and beautiful architecture was one of Ino's favourite places. And now here was Sakura coming to ruin it.
"But it's true. It's always been about a competition for the two of them. They both share a level of spite and inferiority of themselves deep down and it drives them to compete with each other, to be better than the other."
Ino now began to wonder if Sakura was drunk or high. Drunk people didn't say insightful things on the human character like that.
"Do you want to know why Naruto and I didn't work? We're two fundamentally different people. He always looks to the future. But me? I'm stuck in the past. I keep living in the past, of those few fleeting moments that Sasuke and I shared. Like remember, when he saved me during the war?"
"No. I was knocked out by a stupid genjutsu, remember? Me and the rest of the world." Ino said bitterly.
"Right. Why did he do that?" Sakura continued, ignoring Ino. "He didn't really have to? Sure he was pretending to be on our side, but he needn't have gone so far. It's things like that that trip me up with him. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe he cares for me more than he lets on. And that just makes me think that he could allow himself to love me."
"What about all those other memories? You know, like the time that he tried to kill you and he wasn't joking. Not that he ever jokes."
Sakura waved aside Ino and her logic.
"There was this one time before everything went to hell, before I was married. I was babysitting for Naruto and Hinata. Naruto was busy at a conference and Hinata was tied up in some dire Clan meeting. Sasuke came by to check on his godson or something. Or at least that's what he said because I know that he knew that Naruto and Hinata were busy and that I was home all alone with their kid."
"Uh huh, uh huh." Ino nodded distractedly. She noticed Shikamaru in the distance. Shino came hurrying up to him and whispered something in his air. She saw him seeking out Kurenai.
"He came home there to check on the baby and I offered to make him dinner, but what really mattered was that he didn't leave immediately. I couldn't remember the last time that I'd been alone with him. My heart kept racing. I was so nervous because I just knew that something could happen that night. You ever feel that attraction between you and a person? It's hushed, yet dramatic. You're just waiting for the next person to make the first move because you're too scared to do it yourself, in case you're wrong?"
Ino listened, but her eyes were fixed on Shikamaru who was now hurrying out of the Compound. Sakura looked at her friend tracking Shikamaru's movements and formed a conclusion as she whispered, "Maybe you do understand."
Ino whipped around to look at Sakura suspiciously. "What?"
"Nothing, nothing. Anyway, it was like that that night. He was on the couch. I got up and went to the kitchen and when I turned around he was right behind me. He told me that he wanted some ice or something asinine like that. And then he just stopped and looked at me, like really looked at me."
"Does this story have a point?"
"I'm getting to it, Ino-pig!" Ino rolled her eyes.
"Well get to the point, or should I say nail, hammer-head? You like the new nickname? I just thought of it." Ino giggled.
Sakura suppressed an annoyed sigh and continued. "And then he turned away. That was years ago and every day I go over that time in my head. There was something there between Sasuke and me and I missed it. I knew then that I would not ever have a chance like that."
Ino looked at her friend and Sakura could feel the intense gaze, feel it like staring into the sun. She knew that Ino was about to tell her an uncomfortably, brutal truth.
"All this time when you married Naruto, you've been still thinking of a missed opportunity with Sasuke that you may or may not have imagined?"
"I didn't imagine it!"
"Okay, okay. Hammer head, are you really into Naruto?"
"I am, but the reasons that I went after him may have been all wrong. I don't even know why he decided to be with me. I know that he was still not over Hinata, but I guess we were both hoping that we could fill each other's void."
"Yeah? How'd that work out for you?"
"I like Naruto. I really do. He is the kind of guy that you'd marry. He's sweet and attentive and he always does the right thing. He knows how to cheer you up. He's strong and fearless and stupid and silly and protective. I just…I just don't crave him the way that I do for Sasuke. And now I've ruined everything for everybody especially Hinata and Naruto and myself. And don't think I'm only just realizing it. No I recognized it right after Naruto and I had first slept together. The first thing I thought was, 'This was a mistake'."
"That's the first thing you thought? I guess Naruto's game is not on point as I thought."
"No his game is good. It's very, very, very good. I just wish that…" She trailed off, but Ino already seemed to recognize what her friend wanted to say: Naruto was good, but still she wanted Sasuke. "But even though we'd already realized that we'd made our mistakes, we couldn't go back. Not that I want to. I love my children. They are the best thing that's ever happened to me."
They were quiet for a while.
"Hanabi says that I'm pathetic and stupid for loving Sasuke for so long."
"What the hell does she know?! She has her head so far up Hiashi's ass that all she's seeing is a 360 degree view of Hiashi's bowel movements."
Sakura laughed but couldn't shake the feeling that Ino was saying that because she was supposed to be filling the role of blindly supportive best friend.
"Anyway, Sakura you need to look into why you love Sasuke so much. Do you really know him? You keep saying that you really like a guy like Naruto, but yet you can't get over Sasuke? If Sasuke's personality is not the one that you want, then why do you want him? If it's because you never had him (which is what I think it is) then I think that you may need to look into yourself more. It probably isn't because you really love Sasuke, but maybe because of your competitive nature. Maybe you want to be the one that after all this time is the person that he chooses. Maybe you're feeling like you missed or will miss out on something."
Sakura said nothing. She had to mull over Ino's words. She might as well. She needed some peace of mind.
Doggedly Sasuke put one foot in front of the other, past the Western Gates of the Wisteria courtyard, through the stone pathway that was lined with plum and sakura trees and onward past the bamboo and finally to his house. He had never referred to the farmhouse as his before, not even in his mind, but he supposed that he could no longer deny it. It was finished and it was his after almost a year of hard labour. He stood up just beyond the bamboo and stared up at his house. Every part reminded him of her. He looked up at the topmost window and remembered when he kicked her out of the third floor. When he cast his eye on the thatched roof he couldn't help but remember that day when she brought food for him and the genin team that he'd hired. She brought food and comfort and serenity with her and he recalled being up on the roof with her watching the sunset and revelling in the air smelling of her shampoo. He could remember sitting on the logs that were piled against the wall in the backyard and watching the pinprick lights of the farmer's houses in the distance. That night was her birthday and she had wanted to spend it with him. Even as he walked toward his house, his footsteps reminded him of her footsteps as she climbed the stone pathway to come to see him. He wondered what she would have been thinking each time, but it was hard to reason or imagine given the state that he was in right now.
Sasuke preferred if his emotions were stolidly direct; each distinct emotion clearly separated and labelled. This, this what he was feeling was like water falling on a fresh painting – all of the colours running together and he didn't like it one bit. He sat on his unfinished porch that he'd been working on half-heartedly during the last month and tried to think of other things beside Hinata, like say, his unfinished porch. Without Hinata to help him though, he simply didn't have the zeal to finish it. He was seriously considering hiring another genin team.
The sun had gone down and the moon was out brightly. Good night for viewing sakura blossoms, he thought a bit cynically as his mind went back to the Hyuuga party. He forcibly removed the thought and instead his mind oddly brought up a memory about four years old. It wasn't that odd of a recall given his cynical train of thought, however. He remembered Naruto telling him that he'd be caught up in a meeting with Shikamaru, but that Sakura was home with the brat because Hinata was tied up in a Clan meeting. Kakashi was out on a mission. That meant that it was just Sakura at home with the little kid. But Sasuke had wanted to see his godson.
When he'd stepped into the house Sakura was sitting in the living room alone reading a magazine. She looked up and her eyes widened at seeing him.
"Sasuke-kun," She said in that breathless way that she sometimes did and he felt a bit uncomfortable. She seemed to realize that his gaze hardened a bit and he saw her noticeably take a deep breath and calm herself. "What are you doing here? I thought that you'd be tied up in that meeting with Shikamaru."
Sasuke shook his head as he toed off his shoes, giving her no further explanation.
"Where's the brat?" It was amazing how even he too got caught up in the nickname that their little group had given to Naruto's son.
"He's sleeping. I just got him to lie down. He was really missing his parents, so it took a while."
He sat on the armchair and she flew up from the sofa.
"Rice and veggies?"
"Hn."
"I could make you some soba noodles too if you'd like."
"I'd prefer the rice."
"It wouldn't kill me to fry you some fish either. It's already seasoned."
"Hn."
"Great. Rice, veggies and fried fish it'll be."
She practically bounced off towards the kitchen and Sasuke watched her sceptically. She was being very odd.
"Shucks! I forgot to offer you something to drink. Here's some juice." She said with a nervous smile as she came back and handed him a tall glass of orange juice. She went back into the kitchen.
He went to check on his godson.
The brat was sleeping peacefully in his crib. He was only six months old and he resembled Neji terribly. When he was born Hinata looked at his face and said, "Oh, it's you!"
Sasuke didn't know why but he felt a connection to this little baby. It was so strange to him! This little boy made him start to actually and seriously consider having a family. If he was being honest, he was ambivalent at best about the idea of starting a family. What sort of father would he be? He questioned himself all the time. He didn't want to be like Fugaku or even his brother where affection came in little intermittent bursts that had him running down Itachi for just a little bit more of that caring side. But he stopped doubting himself about what he wanted and how he would be. And he knew exactly when this change in heart came about – one day late in Hinata's pregnancy.
Everyone was there shit talking – Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura and himself – as they sat in Naruto's living room. Hinata was in the kitchen. He got up to put his empty glass in the sink. Your host should really be the one to take your glass, but Naruto protested that Sasuke wasn't a guest, he was family. And besides, Hinata was trying to teach Naruto a lesson – don't leave your glasses lying about all over the house; get up and put it in the sink. This rule extended to the regular guests as well and so Sasuke got up to put his used glass in the sink.
The kitchen was so small that you could barely change your mind in it. Hinata was at the sink. He walked in and she turned around at the same time. They collided and he automatically blocked her from too much impact by placing his hand on her belly to gently push her away from him. Her hands were already pushing away this sudden presence from hurting her baby and so, her hands were resting on his chest, gently pushing him away too. They stayed that way one second too long. His face changed. Hers coloured a bit – small, wet handprints were imprinted on his shirt now.
"Oh! Sasuke-san, I didn't notice you'd come in."
He put his glass in the sink behind her.
"Are you okay?" She asked worriedly noticing his slightly confused expression. They didn't talk very much – conversation was stilted.
Before he could answer, her face screwed up and she held her stomach. Oh fuck, he thought in a muted panic, I hope I didn't hurt you.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." She said hurriedly. "It's the kicking. Did he kick you too?"
Realization dawned as he understood what was the strangeness he felt when he touched her stomach. He nodded.
"Yeah, it's a bit weird for me too, so I know it must have felt strange for you."
"Are you in a lot of pain?"
She looked very surprised that he asked her that.
She nodded a bit bashfully and hurriedly added, "I'm almost finished. I just have to dish out the food and then I could lie down."
"We can take out our own food. Go lie down."
She stared at him, then looked down at her stomach because she couldn't see her feet by this point. He didn't know it then, but that was her getting ready to defy him, her stubbornness making an appearance.
Before she had chance to refuse, he grabbed her by the arm, putting his other around her back (her stomach brushed his side) and led her to the kitchen door. It was too quick for her to react. She was too surprised to react in any case.
"Naruto, Hinata's not feeling well." He gave her a small push forward and she looked back at him with shock and annoyance, more shock though. Of course Naruto leapt into action with his protective instinct in overdrive. Sasuke turned his back on that scene, knowing that there was no way Naruto was going to let her lift even a needle any time soon. He stepped into the kitchen quietly resolute in his decision. He knew that he wouldn't have wanted his pregnant wife to be suffering silently as she made his meals. He froze. The idea of a wife and kid for the first time didn't repel him. It would be a long, long time before he realized that that idea of a wife and kid couldn't be filled by just anyone. It would be a long time before he realized that in his mind he had already given that role not to someone that was similar to Hinata, but to Hinata herself. No other woman could compare.
But he didn't know that then. And when he stepped out from his godson's room, the little cherubic face peaceful in sleep, he was considering again the idea of a family of his own.
He sat in the living room for a while. Sakura was in the kitchen keeping up a steady stream of conversation that involved little to moderate response from him.
Would he be able to start a family with Sakura? Never mind that he thought her just a tad bit above useless in her capacity as kunoichi, her baby-making qualities, he was sure, was top notch. He went into the kitchen to get some more ice. It was a bit hot tonight.
"Oh! Sasuke, I didn't notice you'd come in."
He was instantly reminded of that time when he'd bounced into Hinata in the kitchen just seven months ago. Disappointingly, he didn't feel the same way (not that he noticed he was feeling any way in particular at that time).
"I came to get some ice."
"Okay." She took his glass and rummaged around in the fridge for some ice. He looked at her backside and her legs and wondered…
She handed him back his glass and she stood there looking at him expectantly, but he just took up an ice cube and crunched it loudly between his teeth. It was really hot tonight.
She licked her lips and he could practically feel her interest in being with him. It felt like a physical presence in the room stifling and pressing against him.
This, this is why he didn't want to sleep with Sakura. Well, there was a myriad of other reasons, but this one really was the most important reason. Deep down Sasuke feared that if he gave Sakura what she wanted, if he slept with her then there would be no going back. She would only tighten her grip on him.
Whether he had any doubts before, definitively, he realized in that one moment, that he could never be with Sakura.
He turned and went back into the living room and straight out the door.
Now, now as he sat on the unfinished porch of his farmhouse he wondered if he had been with Sakura if things would have turned out differently. He doubted. For one thing, he couldn't stand to be in her presence for a prolonged period of time and also (and Sasuke deeply believed this) eventually one way or the other he would fall for Hinata simply because somewhere in the back of his mind he had decided long ago the kind of woman he wanted to be with and Hinata was that person. It's a shame that he didn't realize this sooner, he lamented, or a lot of unnecessary running around and crying and marriages and children could have been avoided.
With that said, Sasuke had no intention of giving up Hinata to Naruto. They say that if you love someone that you should let them go and if they come back then they truly belonged to you in the first place. Sasuke didn't buy into that belief. No, if you truly loved someone then you should lock them up in a safe room and use genjutsu if necessary to keep them there, he thought. And he was quite ready to deal with Naruto as well…if necessary, that is. He casually put his katana to rest atop his lap as a figure approached from the main road.
Naruto came and sat down next to Sasuke on the unfinished porch.
"How come you never invited me to your house, teme?" He asked as he craned his neck to look back and see inside, but the house was in darkness. Sasuke didn't answer him. "So…what now?"
They sat in silence for about two minutes as Sasuke's ruminative mood washed over them. Sasuke could feel Naruto being fidgety beside him, his obstreperousness threatening to be unleashed. Though they were outside, the space felt claustrophobic with their thoughts and things that wanted, needed to be said. Of course, Naruto spoke first.
"You gave her that kimono?"
Sasuke nodded. Silence again for about another two minutes.
"Sometimes it's good to clear the air, you know, so that we won't be feeling anymore of what we've been feeling."
This was classic Naruto, Sasuke thought. He just always wanted to talk!
"Why didn't you come when I told you that my son had died?"
Sasuke turned to look at him. The light of the moon side lit Naruto well enough and his uncharacteristically steely expression could be clearly made out.
"You never wrote to tell me that. Sakura did."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Why didn't you come? I get that you think you can do everything alone and that's why you were in Mori no Kuni by yourself, but I'm not like that. Why didn't you come?"
Sasuke couldn't see how his presence back then would have helped Naruto since he knew that he was going through his own personal existential depression and definitely couldn't have been there even to silently support. To Sasuke, his absence was a favour to Naruto and him having to apologize (at least that's what he thought Naruto was asking for) kind of grated on him. Nonetheless, he admitted and apologized in his own unique, Sasuke-way.
"I loved your son too, you know."
Naruto turned to look at him in exaggerated astonishment apparently versed in Sasuke-speak and understood that that was as close to an apology that he'd ever get.. "You had me thinking that you didn't really care."
"Yet you made me the godfather of your children."
"But I always knew that deep down you truly cared." He smiled in a self-satisfied way and Sasuke felt compelled to wipe it off.
"I didn't come back because everything kept changing. Each letter that I got from Sakura made me want to stay away more. More and more there seemed to be nothing for me in Konoha."
That hurt Naruto, he knew it did, yet he didn't feel the satisfaction of how he thought hurting his friend in this time would have made him felt.
"But you did come back."
"There was nothing for me out there either. I wanted to leave, I wanted to stay. It was maddening."
Naruto nodded. "I understand. Sometimes you wonder what's the purpose of it all. I tried to bring the Shinobi nations together, but that didn't work. Things fell apart and I've been trying and failing under your I-told-you-so eyes ever since. I'm not getting anywhere it seems. My son died, my wife left me. I have two boys now whom I love, but I can't love fully because I'm carrying a lot of guilt and resentment and it shames me. It really does. This isn't like me, but things happened and I've changed. My friendship with some of the most important people in my life is in a state of disrepair and it might never be fixed again. This isn't the life that I wanted for myself or for the people that I love. I'm scared because I don't want to turn into certain people, people that I couldn't help in the past. I don't know which way is up sometimes, but…I know that things will get better." He ended rather chipper since self-pity wasn't really his forte.
Sasuke had noticed that Naruto had changed. Actually, they were surprisingly similar. They felt everything, but they simply didn't express. They just chose different ways to non-express their feelings – Sasuke said nothing, Naruto said nothing while saying a whole lot at the same time. The difference was that Naruto always looked to the brighter side…of course.
For the first time since they were genin he looked into his friend's eyes and felt identification there. It was probably always there, but he ignored it. This time he couldn't and wouldn't ignore it. There was something there, almost like a look of deadness that could see way past and beyond into loneliness and despair and the fear of failure and purposelessness. He looked at Naruto, his friend he'll admit it, damn it. Naruto was his friend.
"So you've found a reason to stay home with us in Konoha?" Naruto asked casually, but the eagerness and fear could be heard in his voice.
"The whole point is whether a person can go home again. It doesn't matter where specifically or physically that place is. Home is where I can be the person I want to be, need to be because they know me here."
"Home is where is Hinata is, isn't it? Wherever that is." Naruto said quietly, understanding dawning on his features.
Sasuke nodded.
"You really love her, huh?" He asked with faux lightness.
Sasuke nodded again. Sasuke gripped the katana tighter, turning it in his hands slowly. He and Naruto drifted during the last year or so…well if he was being honest, they'd been drifting since the death of the brat. They drifted and they met up again and then drifted again and then met up again. It was their way. Would this really keep them apart this time? They'd had much bigger rifts, but nothing as deep and personal and affecting like a woman to come between them.
"I'm really happy for you. No I really am. Like I said, I've wanted this for you for so long. But…but why did it have to be her?"
"Does it matter? Should it be really bothering you?"
Naruto looked at Sasuke. The katana was shining brilliantly in the moonlight. The blue gleam seemed like a beacon. These days they bantered and argued and debated ideas, hardly taking to blows to solve their disagreements anymore. He kind of missed those days, if he was being honest.
He understood what Sasuke was asking him in those few words.
"I don't know. We'll see what she decides to do."
Naruto stood up and walked off. Sasuke watched him go and realized in that moment that he didn't want to lose his friend. He also really didn't want to lose Hinata either.
A/N: So that's the first part. Tell me please what you thought of Naruto and Hinata's conversation, and Hanabi's thoughts on Sakura's love for Sasuke, and Ino's conversation with Sakura and Naruto's conversation with Sasuke. (I told you that there was a lot of talking).
Chapter Nineteen Part Two will appear in a couple of days, maybe even tomorrow if I finish it early. Coming up: Hinata's choice.