'What am I doing,' I thought to myself.

This was so unlike me. I suppose that's partly what made it so thrilling; the feeling of risk and being idiotic while not caring about the consequences or other people's reactions.

I had no idea who this man was or what threat he posed to me but here I was in an alleyway, my jeans pooled around my ankles and his mouth around me to pleasure me.

He released me and looked up at me. The distorted view made his eyes seem bigger and his face narrower.

"You're so fucking hot," he said in an accent I wasn't overly familiar with. Perhaps it was a particular region in London that I never heard very often.

The whole point of going out was to go somewhere where no one would know who I was. I couldn't risk my place at the University if word were to get back to my parents of what I was up to.

The man brought his hands up to hold the back of my thighs and I ran my fingers through his far too gelled hair. I was so close and it felt incredible, to have my heart pounding in adrenaline and fear and then to have that laced with something more sexual.

He was older and quite a good flirt and although my head kept telling me that it was a bad idea to have a one night stand the rest of me was screaming for it.

I needed release like this. My head was all over the place from my studies and trying to convince Isabel that her new boyfriend was an asshole. As well as keeping secrets from my family. Not that my parents would care, they were always vacant when we were children and not much had changed since.

I came suddenly and watched the man smile as he swallowed. Perhaps for some seeing someone swallow their semen is attractive but not particularly for me.

"You look cute when you cum," he grinned and kissed me gently on the lips.

Already I was starting to feel a little repulsed by him. Now that I'd had my release he was surplus to requirement and rather irritating.

"Give me your number, we can meet up again," he said bluntly.

"I'm not from around here," I said quickly. "I don't do this sort of thing usually."

He looked to the entrance of the alley just as voices could be heard and then back at me.

"Come on kid, let me buy you dinner."

"No, really. I'm not interested in dating anyone."

He looked me over and sighed.

"I can see when I'm not going to get anywhere. You've a gorgeous arse though. I think you'd quite like what I want to do to it."

I shook my head again, already cursing myself for having been so stupid.

'He could have become violent,' my head admonished me.

I left the alley and he stood behind, either to make it look like we weren't together or to wait for his next prey I wasn't sure.

My hands shook from the cold and I had difficulty lighting my cigarette. I would have to call a taxi but at this time of night I would be faster walking. The noise from the nightclub pounded in my eardrums and I sat on the steps of the building opposite to regain my bearings.

The man I had been with stood at the entrance of the alleyway now, his face shadowed by the lack of street lights there. I watched in confusion when he was approached by three men who I hadn't noticed before.

It was impossible to hear what they were saying but I found myself straining anyway. The man I had been with held up his hands defensively and my stomach jolted when I was that one of them had what looked like baseball bat.

My thoughts were unhelpful to me, only providing a litany of 'Oh shit, oh god.'

He cried out when they pushed him back into the alley were they couldn't be seen.

I didn't realise I had stood up but I was now standing, my legs propelling me across the road without any sort of rational thought.

I ran to the club doorway where I found a bouncer and told him what I saw.

He used his earpiece to ask for help and it a few minutes they had followed me to they alley. The men had left already.

"Oh shit," I could only say, my voice strained.

In a daze I called an ambulance and helped the bouncers to support his head and stop him moving.

He gave a sickening groan as he lay on the cold and damp ground. Removing my jacket I tried to place it under him without hurting him.

"You'll be okay son," the bouncer tried to comfort him.

"Fuck sake Gerry, who does this," his colleague spat.

"You know him," he asked me quietly.

"No."

He nodded as if he knew and said nothing more about it.

We sat in a horrifying silence when we knew he wasn't breathing. I suppose we should have tried to resuscitate him but we were too afraid to touch him and break him further.

I stayed until the ambulance came, taking the next cab that I saw. The driver was too shocked by my blood stained appearance to refuse.

I lay in bed, horrified by the image of the man covered in blood and bruises, the word 'Fag' written across his forehead. I hadn't left the house since I had come back and that had been on the Friday. I was almost certain it was now Monday.

'That was almost you.'

A horrible thing to think after someone has gone through trauma but something we all think none the less.

There was no point in my mourning this man. I had to get on with my life.

Getting out of bed, I pulled out my textbooks and started my studying.