I'm trying to rip your heart opened and stomp on it. That's what my goal is. Hahahaha. Enjoy;)

I have known pain from childhood and now..my undead life.

I have known pain that spreads like a virus through the body. Pain that explodes through me like a bomb. Burning pain that melts skin and tearing pain that rips flesh.

All of this does not compare to the last year. I am sure that emotional pain is the most demoralizing. I've never begged for Joseph more than I have in these past months.

I had to watch as the one person I had put so much effort into chose the person responsible for her pain. I had to watch the confidence drain from her as she reverted back to the old person she was. It felt like a hot knife twisting in my chest. It felt like being burned at the stake. The worst part is that she wanted me around.

The looks of pity the Cullens gave me hurt even more. We had become slightly closer through Bella. I didn't adhere to their diet but I did hunt in Seattle. Jasper became a friend of mine but he couldn't be around me long. The strength of my emotions around the lovebirds had him running more often than not.

Alice tried to convince me to go back to Italy not too long after we got back. I wondered why at the time but now I knew. I should have listened. I should have known...

The boy proposed to Bella. Of course she said yes. Why wouldn't she? Because of me? No. I'm of no consequence.

Hate boiled inside of me as I watched the wedding from afar. I told her I would be there and yet I could not. I gritted my teeth against the pain as they say their vows. It's like the change all over again.

This wasn't the first time I had gone through this. As a human, there had been Beth, Kala, Sydney, Bri. Alyson. Bella reminded me of Alyson.

Alyson had wanted me more than anyone I had ever known. It had felt good to be loved. I thought she was my soul mate..

Until she found another. The verbal abuse began. The physical abuse later. The cheating and stringing me along. I'd made it a promise that I would make her pay. And I did. Slowly.

I want you to know..

I couldn't do that to Bella. Even though I felt used and thrown aside. Even though the pain filled every facet of my being I wouldn't do the same to her. The thoughts did cross my mind. More so when she came back pregnant.

I couldn't fathom what I would do if she died. Would I follow her like Edward? Would I kill him myself? I decided I would do both. Alice didn't approve but luckily I didn't have to go through with that.

Once Bella turned things got weird and..worse. The child grew faster each day. I stayed away from her as much as possible. Along with the wolf boy of course. He didn't like me much.

I stood with them all during the Volturi threat. I let Aro see me. I used me gift against him discreetly. None of them knew about my power. Not even Bella. I made sure of it.

I stayed away as they celebrated and savored their mates. Envy flowed cold in my veins.

Bella was offended by my continued aversion to the child. Every time I saw her I saw Edward. I already had to see him enough.

Bella told me that she had no choice. That she loved Edward. That nothing could have changed her decision. I listened to her emotion filled rant silently. I let her break my into a thousand pieces and throw me to the wind.

...how low you made me

I stared into her eyes and saw the pain. The longing. In that moment, I let go of everything tying me to this world. I shut myself off because..she knew. She knew what we were. I could fucking see it.

I let the numbness take over as she walked away.

I sat on the side of the river as she walked away. The double edged sword of the mating bond stabbing us both with each step she took. I watched her struggle not to turn around. I watched her fail once and I watched

her finally succeed.

I hope it haunts you...

I turned toward the water once again. Even though I didn't see it. My mate's departure replayed in my mind over and over. I ignored the feeling of a presence approaching. I ignored his presence beside but I could not ignore his words.

"You torture yourself by staying," Edward said. My neck tensed and I gritted my teeth. The hate never came. Only numbness. "You have no reason to stay."

He didn't know.

My head jerked in his direction stiffly. My shaggy hair swung in front of my eyes. I looked at him blankly. Those golden orbs of his widened minutely at my gaze. I wanted to know what he saw. I hope he saw what he has done.

"You're right, Edward," I said monotonously. I took a lot to speak. Even as a vampire. "I'm gonna go say goodbye to Bella."

He smiled a strained smile. It didn't reach his eyes. I think he was in denial.

I walked at a human pace to the house. I let Edward beat me there. I wasn't in a hurry. I basked in the numb feeling that surrounded me.

As I walked into the living room, all of them sat waiting. If I had the energy I would have cursed Edward. They stared at me expectedly. I could see the pity in their eyes. All but Bella. She stared at the ground. I couldn't bear it and looked at the wall.

"I know that you all have been quite nice toward me in letting me stay. But..I must be on my way," I said breathlessly. Venom tears threatened to come forth. I beat them back with all of my energy.

Bella looked up at me with fury and panic in her eyes. I refused to feel the bond. It only caused pain. She gasped as I shut down my emotions fully. Being a vampire has its perks.

"We enjoyed having you here, Ivy," Esme said with a sad smile. My heart warmed at her lie.

The others, sans Edward, gave me hugs and pats on the back as Bella sat like a statue on the couch. Jacob and Nessie looked at me sadly. Something told me they knew. I didn't know how. Alice's eyes flooded with venom and Jasper stepped out of the house.

"You can't leave. Why? I'm sorry," Bella cried. Her hand clawed at her chest wildly. I knew what she was feelings.

My smile was dead as I looked at her. She would be fine. I just knew it. The ones that didn't know looked at us with confusion. Edward looked angry. I decided not to let them in on the secret.

"Bella, I remember when I first saw you, you were like you are now. I know that with some time you will forget me. I hope I can as well," I said softly. Her sobs never ceased. Alice grabbed my hand. Her eyes pleading. She wouldn't change my plans. "Remember the sunsets, Bella."

I looked toward Edward and let my memories flow freely. Bella sitting at her window. Our meadow. Making love under beautiful sunsets. Killing Victoria. The Volturi threat.

..Keeps you up at night

I smiled blankly as his eyes widened and turned away. They held Bella back as I walked outside. Her screams would have torn my heart to pieces if I could feel.

I tried and failed to not turn around. The look in Bella's eyes would haunt me for what days I had left. Alice's words would as well.

"She needs you. You don't have to do this," Alice said. Her eyes were filled with pain. "Please."

I turned away with one thought on my mind.

Joseph.