The Greatest Secret Agent
by aightaight2
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At the edge of the Champ de Mars Training facility stood a cluster of old, rundown warehouses. In their heyday forty years ago they had been a hive of activity, the designated supply center for the entire trainee cohort. When a new Logistics Depot had been built on the other side of the campus, an attempt had been made to wring some further use out of them by converting them into a secondary ammunition dump.
It hadn't worked.
Tristain had neither the need nor the desire to hoard large stockpiles of gunpowder, and the robust, strongly warded storage basements had remained empty for more than two decades. They had eventually fallen into complete disuse after a sergeant had discovered a group of recruits using the free space to house their illicit still. In the last few years, the Halkegenians had rarely given the decrepit old storage site a second glance.
On this day, however, one particular basement was no longer empty. Secure behind the wards, a group of Faeries were plotting the downfall of one of their colleagues.
"Come on, Klein – quit stalling. I know you've got the spell memorized," came the instruction from his temporary sensei.
"But… but why me? Why do I have to do it?"
"You agreed, Klein. Someone has to do it, and of the three of us, you have the lowest stats."
"Can't Silica do it?" he asked, petulantly. "If someone's gotta be the «Tiny and Cuddly» type, she'd be the best choice."
"She's never been a victim of the Rat, so you're it. It won't do you any good to pout about it now."
"I'm not pouting!" protested Klein. "Samurai don't pout - they glower. Or they scowl, but they never pout! Not riding American cars not pouting was the last will of my grandfather!"
"You mean your grandfather who gave me handmade dried persimmons after we escaped from SAO? They were delicious too. I wonder if Asuna could make some like that…?" the black swordsman added, clearly distracted by the thought of his wife's delicious cooking.
"It's easy for you! You're the «Giant and Solid» type, just like the Floor 74 boss! How'm I supposed to get into the action if I'm less than a foot tall?"
The burly gnome placed a heavy hand on the red-head's shoulder, momentarily stopping his grousing.
"Klein, you know as well as I do that the small fluffy bosses were by far the most difficult to defeat in SAO. You've got the right stats, and the Headmaster has provided us with the means. You know how hard it is to fool the Rat, and we've already done the ground work. We've invested a lot in this, and you gave your word. It's too late to back out now."
The Salamander looked defiantly into the eyes of the Gnome and Spriggan for a second longer, before sighing in defeat. "Fine. You'd better keep things straight though – we've only got one shot at this, and if either of you laugh, I'll be coming after you instead."
Taking a deep breath, Klein targeted the small white Familiar in front of him, before starting the incantation for the unfamiliar illusion magic.
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The problem with working for politicians, thought Argo, is that when they're not around, they need someone else to fill in for them.
Sakuya and Alicia were stuck in a meeting with Thinker and Rute, and they had called on their Agents to fill in for them. Thus the eclectic group of Fae clustered in Old Osmond's Office.
The Headmaster was in fine form, holding forth on the Theory he had come up with after doing some 'research' in Arrun's Central Library.
"Cardinal Mazarin and your Lords have all agreed that it is important to capitalize on every opportunity to build up our intelligence gathering capabilities, and I have something of an interest in the area. It's a little known fact that the world's greatest secret detectives are those of the rodent variety. I see from your Pixie that you understand this well, young Argo," Old Osmond said in stentorian tones, glancing directly at the tiny face peeking out over the top of the Cait Syth's pocket.
"Sa! Suisen's only blossomed recently, you know!" she replied protectively. She gently prodded the top of the pixie's head until the tips of Suisen's ears were hidden once more. Since her partner's blossoming Argo had noticed her tendency to rise until her ears were peeking out, even if she kept the rest of her head down.
"The Headmaster's right, I think," said Kirito, turning at an angle to keep his fellow SAO-vivor in the corner of his vision. "We need to maximize our counterintelligence operations to prevent Reconquista from having free rein in Tristain. If Argo hadn't known about the benefits of the rodent link, she would never have called herself 'Argo the Rat' in SAO," he added, winking at Argo to show that he was just humoring the Headmaster.
Pointing at his Familiar, a small white mouse, Old Osmond continued.
"I've had Chuchu at my side for over forty years. He's one Halkegenia's best reconnaissance mice, but even he didn't learn the Trade all on his own. I've learned a lot from your own literature, Argo – James Bond, Batman… even Basil of Baker Street. A detective can be self-taught, but to become a top notch Agent you need the right sort of training from an experienced operative."
"James Bond isn't a rodent – and neither is Batman, Cha!"
"Have you ever seen a bat?" asked Old Osmond, not losing a single step, "everyone knows that they're simply rodents with wings. And as for James Bond… well, if he was a mouse, maybe he wouldn't have been captured by his enemies so often!"
"So, what is it that you are proposing?" Argo asked in resignation.
"As I said, I believe that it would be best if we start looking into the possibility of training some more agents. Pixies… mice… perhaps others. One of Chuchu's trainers is in town at the moment - Kirito can show you the way. Perhaps after you speak with him, you might have some more ideas for the Combined Allied-Tristain Special Intelligence Bureau. Let me know what you come up with, and I might be able to help you out even more."
Pulling out his pipe, it was clear that the meeting had come to an end.
Argo bowed politely to the Headmaster before leading Kirito out the door, shaking her head in exasperation as soon as the door was closed behind her.
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"So, tis it?" Argo asked, focused on the vacant looking buildings before her. The Champ de Mars complex was recognizable at a glance, but she'd never really considered the structures before. They were in plain sight… but easily overlooked. Perhaps Old Osmond had more nous than she'd initially thought.
"Yes. The bunkers are all at least five mails deep, warded to protect the gunpowder that was supposed to be stored there. They've been empty for years. With a little help from the Earth Mages and Gnomes it'll be easy to link them all up."
They had made good time from the Academy of Magic, albeit with a short delay while Kirito stopped by the palace to pick up lunch. At least he had shared Aa-chan's sandwiches with her. She had relished his mournful look as she slowly chewed each bite in front of him. He'd scoffed down his own share so fast that he had nothing to do but watch as she finished her own meal. Delicious!
Aahhh. Baiting Ki-bou… it never gets old.
"Well, tis time to get this over with, Ki-bou."
Pushing open the warehouse door, she gazed around the dim interior, the boarded windows letting in just enough light for her sharp Cait Syth eyes to pick out the details. The wooden floor was surprisingly bereft of dust. As she padded across it, it chirped softly like a nightingale. She stood still, letting Suisen dart out of her pocket to silently scout the lay of the land. If anyone her size tried to enter unannounced, the noise alone would alert the guards.
"This way," said Kirito, leading them down the stairs to the vault-like door below.
"Nee-chan," whispered Suisen, returning once more to her shoulder, after pressing her ear up against the hatch "I can't hear anything through that door."
"That's right," chuckled Kirito. "They even warded the room against vibrations. It's completely soundproof. Don't be surprised by who's inside - the Headmaster's met a lot of interesting characters during his journeys over the years," he warned.
With a strong push, he slid the door open.
Argo stared.
She'd seen some strange things in SAO… and in Halkegenia… but this took the cake.
Surrounded by a series of lanterns was a white mouse. A large white mouse. A large white mouse dressed in a white suit with a red belt and a black eye-patch over one eye. It wasn't standing like a mouse, either, or even like a regular person. Instead, it was bouncing up and down on its index finger, causing an oddly hypnotic effect.
"Wh..wh..what?" exclaimed the Cait Syth.
Opening its single yellow eye, the mouse pushed off its finger, doing a double somersault before coming to its feet.
"Ah. Kirito-san. You're back," it said in fluent Japanese with a British Accent. "This is your friend, Argo?"
"W… wait a minute – you can talk?"
"Of course I can talk." Turning to the Black-clad Spriggian, the mouse continued. "Are you sure this one has has right stuff to be the Head of Intelligence, Kirito-san? She seems to stutter a lot."
"But… but you're a mouse!" the Cait Syth interrupted.
"Quite right, my dear," he confirmed, patting her on the knee in lieu of her hand. "Well spotted. Not only am I a mouse, I speak 34 languages fluently, including some extra-terrestrial ones – native Halkegenian among them."
"Umm…" Argo seemed lost for words at this rejoinder, her brain forced temporarily off line.
"This is 'DM', Argo," interrupted Kirito before she could reboot her mind. "He's a specialist in 7th level Yoga-Hopping, and he's also one of the greatest secret agents who ever lived. Even his code name has a code name," the Spriggan claimed, causing Argo's mien to go even blanker.
"Umm, Argo?" asked Suisen, standing on tiptoes to stroke Argo's ear in an attempt to comfort her. "I can hear at least one more person here. And… it sounds like they're… sniggering?"
At this, the Black Swordsman couldn't hold it in any more. He fell to the floor chortling as Agil stumbled forward from the shadows, also struggling to hold in his guffaws.
As she watched, the mouse shimmered before turning into a red-haired Salamander, eyes sparkling as he masterfully failed to mask his own hilarity.
"Ha hahahahaha… the look on your face!" he proclaimed, giving up on hiding his mirth at the successful sting.
That was enough to break her out of her paralyzed thoughts.
As the three Fae scampered out the warehouse door, Klein uncapped a Puca music bottle and tossed it towards her.
"Enjoy!"
The strains of the old cartoon's opening theme began to play.
He's the greatest; he's fan~tas~tic; wherever there is danger he'll be there
"Klein…."
He's the ace; he's a~maz~ing
"You Wretched RODENT!" she yelled after the retreating miscreants.