A/N:

This one goes to SophieHolmesWatson – who has requested an Anxiety and S/H fic. I have read quite a few S/H stories (which all involve cutting or poisoning) so I have decided to be a little different. This is really more of subconscious self harm in this case.

I don't own Merlin

CHARACTERS: Merlin, Arthur & Gwaine

RATED: T

GENRE: Hurt/Comfort, Angst

WARNINGS: Possible triggers, subconscious self harm and supporting character death

THE ADVENTURES OF MERLIN

Harm

When Arthur awoke that morning, rain pounding upon the window like it was trying to get in – he in no way expected that everything would be perfect. As it was, he was roused gently by the soft footfalls of a servant that was most definitely not Merlin, who had already began to set out a lavish meal for him to start his day...and oh lords when he caught sight of the young man who was so performing his duties so faultlessly, the King really had to struggle to hold in a groan.

'Good morning, George,' Arthur greeted politely, snickering internally at the expression on the servant's face having been addressed so nobly.

The youth gave him a deep bow, his hair not quite brushing the floor, and Arthur resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

'I hope you slept soundly, My Lord,' he responded, turning away in order to lay his plate with the morning meal.

'No worse than usual, George.' The King replied as he stepped behind the privacy screen to change. 'Say, George...have you any idea where Merlin is today? He insisted that he continued serving me, despite the obvious change to his status,'

There was a moment of silence. 'Ah...yes – I did hear about that...I was informed by the kitchens that Merlin had yet to collect your breakfast and that I was to bring it to you in his stead. Very irresponsible if you ask me, after receiving such a generous promotion...unprofessional.' The young man replied haughtily.

The King scowled through the screen as he shrugged his tunic on. 'It's a good thing I didn't ask you then, isn't it George,' he said quietly, hiding a smile at the sudden flush of his cheeks.

'O-of c-course, Sire. I meant no offence. Is there anything else I may do for you?'

Arthur shook his head. 'That will be all. You may go.'

The young royal let out a huff of annoyance as George left quietly, barely latching the door behind him. As he began to pick at his breakfast, Arthur couldn't help but feel some trepidation at the Warlock's glaringly apparent absence.

He ate his meal in silence, anxiety gnawing at his gut when his bumbling manservant-turned-Court Warlock still did not show, hair messy from oversleeping and a sheepish grin plastered upon his face.

Because obviously, that's what was going on...wasn't it?

Sighing resignedly, the King left his breakfast dishes and exited his chambers, following the familiar path to the Physician's chambers. Along the way, he was greeted by swooping bows and bootlicking servants – but today, he would have none of it.

He crossed the courtyard quickly and entered the dim stairwell that led up to the chambers, making a mental note to ask Merlin if he wished for more...comfortable accommodation, now that he was a respected member of the Court.

As Arthur reached the roughly hewn door, he first regarded the absence of any sound suspicious – surely Gaius would be making some noise as he went about his potion making routine? Reaching out slowly, he jiggled the door, frowning when he found it locked.

The door was never locked. It was an unspoken rule – Gaius was always available for emergencies, no matter the time of day or night.

Swallowing the dread that had lodged in his throat, Arthur took a deep breath and kicked out with all his strength.

The frame splinted and the door slammed into the opposite wall with a resounding crack.

That's when Arthur's stomach dropped into his boots.

No...

He approached the bed slowly, ignoring the burn of unshed tears behind his eyes – the shape under the old blanket was definitely human, and he hesitated as he reached out with a trembling hand – almost too scared to reveal another loss to his heart.

The tears spilled over and dripped from the end of his nose as Gaius stared, unseeing towards the ceiling – his skin grey and heart still.

He most certainly did not look asleep or at peace.

He looked dead.

As Arthur stood and turned towards Merlin's room, he realised that it was no longer silent – he could hear, from the antechamber – a constant and methodical thudding noise.

Wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his tunic, he climbed the steps slowly and reached out toward the door.

'Merlin?' he called gently.

The thudding did not cease.

The King's hands continued to tremble as they pushed the door open, and as he entered the darkened room, a fist of panic clenched at his heart.

'Oh Gods...Merlin...'

The sadness over the death of an old friend was quickly overcome by concern as he saw Merlin. He sat in the farthest corner of that little room, knees drawn to his chin and staring blankly ahead, eyes red and puffy from crying – the thud, thud , thud of his head as he bashed it against the wall nearly bringing his breakfast up. In the darkness, Arthur could see a slug of crimson, still wet and glistening as it slid from Merlin's nose, hugged the contour of his lip and dripped from his chin.

The sight of this galvanised him into action, and stumbling forward – he circled the bed and dropped to a crouch in front of the distraught youth.

'Merlin?' he called gently, resting his hand upon the side of his head, only to flinch at the stickiness he found there. Arthur pulled his fingers away and stared at the crimson that stained his digits for a moment, before noticing the splatter of blood against the stone from where Merlin's skull constantly bounced off for god knows how long.

Swearing softly, the King placed his hand back to Merlin's head to cushion it from the stone and used the other to tap lightly at his cheek.

'Merlin – can you hear me?' He asked gently, his brow furrowed in concern.

For a moment, Arthur didn't think he would respond, until his breath hitched and his wide cobalt orbs shifted to him.

'I...I tried to save him...' he whispered roughly – his voice hoarse. 'I t-tried for hours...'

Merlin's voice cracked at the last word as he trailed off.

Arthur swallowed thickly and brought his hand up to brush the unruly strands of his raven mop from his brow.

'What did you do, Merlin?' he demanded gently.

'I tried...for hours, Arthur...' he repeated, as the tears began to fall. 'I wasn't powerful enough...wasn't strong enough...'

'Did you use your magic Merlin?' The youth flinched and looked away. 'Merlin...Answer me.'

The tone brooked no arguments, and Merlin shifted his gaze again.

'I wasn't strong enough...'

Merlin stared into his eyes for a moment – those cobalt orbs reflecting such pain – before they disappeared, rolling back beneath rapidly fluttering lids.

'Merlin?' Arthur's heart thudded against his ribcage as he shook the youth gently, having no idea what the hell was happening as he began to twitch beneath his careful hands.

Clenching his teeth, the Once and Future King gently lifted the boy, one hand cradling his head, the other tucked beneath his knees – and as he rushed to exit the chambers, Merlin went suddenly rigid.

Arthur closed the door behind him with his foot, lowered him to the ground and stepped back in fear as his limbs began to jerk spasmodically.

'HELP!' The King bellowed, biting his fist in an attempt to restrain the sudden onslaught of emotion that very near overwhelmed him.

Merlin's body was as taught as a bow-string as he arched off the ground, pink foam spraying from his lips as he grunted through his tightened throat.

'SOMEBODY HELP ME!' He near screamed, crashing to his knees – not giving a damn about who saw him in this state - his face a river of snot and tears as the man who had come to mean more to him than anyone he had ever known, writhed upon the cold stone.

'Princess? What the hell is going on?' Came a very familiar, gruff voice from the bottom of the stairwell.

'G-Gwaine?' Arthur called back in a tremulous voice, his hands hovering above Merlin, not quite knowing whether or not to touch him. 'Please help...I don't know what to do...'

Gwaine sprinted into action, the tone of the King's voice taking him by surprise as he rounded the curve in the stairs and stopped suddenly as he took in the scene before him.

Arthur was an absolute mess, his face red and wet as he reached forward to touch his friend only to freeze and turn his wide, fearful gaze upon Gwaine.

'Please...I don't know how to help him...'

The Knight felt his heart break at the vulnerability in those cerulean eyes...something he had only seen once before, the night his father died.

Fearing for both his friends, he crouched down before his King and rested a calloused hand upon his shoulder.

'The only thing we can do, Arthur – is wait for him to ride it out. Any interference from either of us could cause further injury. When the convulsions stop, we can help him.' Gwaine explained gently, like he was speaking to a frightened child, which at this point – seemed to be the case.

Arthur, usually strong and brave, was terrified beyond belief that he was going to lose the man who had become closer to him than blood.

'Arthur,' Gwaine asked carefully, keeping steady eye contact with the young King before him. 'What happened?'

The king's gaze flickered to the seizing youth and then back to his Knight.

'Gaius is d-dead.' His adam's apple bounced erratically as he fought to calm himself from the myriad of emotions that were threatening to tear him apart. 'Merlin tried to save him...and I think he used too much magic...'

A harsh gagging turned their attention back to the young man and Gwaine swore.

'Ok, Arthur...I think now is the time to help.'

The King scrambled closer to Merlin's side and looked up at the knight in fear. 'What's happening, Gwaine?' He asked fretfully.

'He's choking on his own vomit. I need you to grip his head firmly and turn it to the side.'

Arthur nodded jerkily and followed Gwaine's instruction as the knight gripped his jaw and prised it apart.

The convulsions were beginning to still now, but the danger had yet to pass. As the King held Merlin's head, he idly brushed his thumb across the curve of his cheekbone, trying to offer comfort and reassurance where he could.

Wincing, but unable to turn away, he watched in horror as Gwaine pressed two of his fingers down the youth's throat. He wriggled them around a bit until Merlin's oesophagus contracted around them and as he pulled them free, the boy wretched violently, bile and bloody foam spilling from his pale lips.

Arthur turned him completely then, releasing his hold on Merlin's head to rub soothing circles against his back.

A sob broke loose from the boy and the King pulled him gently into his lap, resting his face into his dark hair.

'Oh Merlin...I'm so sorry,' he murmured, allowing relief to fill his heart.

'W-why couldn't I save him?' Merlin asked shakily, his body wracking with sobs. 'He was like a father to me...'

'Shhh, Merlin...I know. I know. I'm here...I'll never let you go.' Arthur soothed, rocking them both as Gwaine disappeared to get a damp cloth and some bandage.

'It hurts...' Merlin whimpered, gripping Arthur's wrists where they wrapped around his slim torso.

The king pressed his lips to the top of his head and held him tighter.

'It will, Merlin...but it will also get easier.'

Merlin turned his head to peer up at his King.

'W-why are you doing this?' He asked, not at all familiar with this side of Arthur.

The King gave him a watery smile and pulled him closer. 'Because you are the brother I never had.' He whispered earnestly, finally able to reveal this secret, now that Merlin had his. Arthur brushed his hand across Merlin's trembling chin as he continued. 'And I don't want you to feel as though you are alone.'

Hope you enjoyed! I may do a sequel to this one. Stay tuned!